is he keeping me on the back burner?

[ladyjane83]

I posted me original story in the infedelity section, but its got a bit long and so thought I would oost the update her. In short I found out my boyfriend of 1.5 years had another girlfriend for 2.5 years. When it all came out he chose her and was really quite nasty about it saying I never meant anything, which he then took back, but he is choosing to make a go of things with her, but still in touch with me...even though he tells her he isn't. .I think last time I wrote he had told me he wants to work it out with her and that they are just talking at the mo but he promised he would let me know whatever the outcome is. He also said that he cant really keep in touch with me if he is trying to work things out with her and that she would end it if she knew he was still contacting me...but would always reply when I text him and even randomly called me for 'chats' which led me to believe he was having just as much trouble cutting contact. Because if he was serious about her and didnt want me in his life surely he would just say 'look I'm back together with her now (even if they werent yet) and completely ignore all my contact. Last week I asked him if he fancied meeting up before he moves away to uni to clear the air and he can give me some stuff of mine that he has....but he ignored the text and didnt respond and then 2 nights late he called me saying he didnt respond because he panicked because he didnt know what to say because he really wants to see me and thinks it would be nice, but if she ever found out it would be over before it starts, his words were 'my heart wants to meet you but my head says I shouldnt if im trying to work things out with her' we chatted fora while and he was saying how its hard because we always got on so well and if it wasnt for the situation and it was just us then there wouldnt have been a reason to break up. he left it by saying to leave it with him and he will call me in a couple of days.

 

He didnt call when he was meant to, so the next night I called him. We talked and it was fine, he even called me the nickname he used to call me. I asked if he had given anymore thought about meeting up and he went from saying he wants to to just no, I cant because Im trying to work things out and so I asked if they are back together and he paused for ages then said yes. He wasnt going to tell me, and won't tell me how long they have been for (Surely if he was serious about it he would want to tell me so that I would leave him alone, not lie about it and keep calling/texting me) and he lied about going to her town to see her etc he said he hadn't but I know he had. I don't get why lie about it if he is serious about her.

 

I got upset and we hung up then he called back later and we chatted. we left that chat on good terms, I sort of wished him luck with it, he said he doesn't know if it will be the same between them, then he said he will call me in the week for a chat. I went out on sat night and had fun with my friends, syupidly I sent a photo of myself in my dress to him when I was drunk, I apologised the next morning and he said I don't need to, it was a nice picture, he asked if I'd had a good night so I subtly dropped into conversation that I met a guy and have a date lined up (I didn't) and he porperly flipped at me, said why would I think he would want to know that blah blah blah said he "isn't going to call me anymore if I'm going to tell him things he dosnt want to hear, you have a date, wow, good for you" and said there's no point in us talking anymore as it won't achieve anything now (in his words he was only talking to me as friends anyway, so why would me having a date change that?!)

 

I asked if I could call him on monday and he said theres no point as I'm obviously moving on and we have nothing to say to eachother. I called him anyway and he didnt answer, but then called me back and he was so obviously jealous... Was saying how he is with her now so doesn't care what I do, he isn't speaking to me again and I can go on as many dates as I like because he doesn't care. But then would ask questions like how long did I talk to him for, how old is he, what's his name, is he good looking?!, am I friends with him on fb, but then would be like, but I don't care anyway!He was really mean, said why do I need to go out and chat up guys, what's wrong with just having a night out with my friends instead. He said he has only been keeping in touch to keep me happy but now Im obviously moving on then I dont need him anymore etc etc.

 

The on tues I text him and he was still really off with me. Then that night HE phoned me (bare in mind he said the night before he isnt going to talk to me again because he was only doing me a favour and now I dont need him) so I didn't answer the phone. On weds/thurs though he went back to texting me as normal and said he called on tues just for a chat and to check I was ok after our last chat... This is the guy who is "tyring to work things out with his gf and doesn't want to talk to me anymore". I didn't reply to his last one then I got another out of the blue saying "so are you going to go on your date on sat then?" So jealous!!! I told him I wasn't.

 

Then Friday we were texting and he said he is moving next weekend so I said that the offer is still there to meet up before he goes. He didnt reply then that evening he called me... (He seriously can't stop the contacting, no matter what he says!) We talked for 45 mins and he was lovely. He said he doesn't know what he feels at the moment, and that he is trying with her but doesn't know if it will work and that she doesn't seem that into it and so that rubs off on him and makes him not that into it. He said he really wants to meet up for a drink but really doesnt want her to know. He was so contradictory I just wanted to laugh....his words: "I really want to meet up, I think it will nice. But if we do you can't tell anyone and I won't tell anyone either because if she found out it would be over... But I don't want it to sound like I'm going back to sneaking around again because I'm not!" ....really!? listen to yourself!!!

 

He lied about seeing her again, said he didnt see her last weekend, but Im pretty certain he did. and said he isnt seeing her this weekend (but he was driving somewhere while he was talking) he said he would call me on tuesday and have completely ignored me ALL weekend, which is how I know he is with her. Which is fine, I would expect that if he is trying to work things out with her...what I dont get is why lie to me about it if we are 'just friends'.

I think the obvious thing is that he is keeping me there incase things dont work out with her (not that he would get me) but thats really obvious..... but he said on the phone "I dont want you to think Im keeping you hanging on the back burner because if you think that then I would rather cut ties now) so what are you doing??? ok maybe he is just trying to be freinds, but then why lie about seeing her, and also why risk ruining things with her by being in contact with me??

[digdug]

It's called "keeping you on a short leash" and you deserve better. He's keeping you around, just in case, and you are allowing that behavior by contacting him. If you want to move on, then stop texting him, or if you want to remain on the leash, do so, but understand the parameters with which you are under. His behavior is typical of anyone who is trying to play both sides of the fence. I don't get what there is to understand .... I mean, have some pride in yourself. You can't be "friends", not now ... there is healing and growth that need to occur before you can take that step. It doesn't matter whether he lied about seeing her or not, you are not with him, by his choice. He does not owe you any type of answer and you shouldn't be asking questions if you are going to judgmental over the answers he gives you.

 

The reason he doesn't want you to think he's keeping you on the back burner, and lied about it, is because no one wants to admit that they cant let go. But that is his issue to bare. I guess my question to you is what are you doing? What do you plan to get out of this? Why are you subjecting yourself to all of these investigative properties? It doesn't matter what "he" is doing, because you are not "together" anymore. What's more important is what are you doing to grow from this and move on?

[ladyjane83]

I just wanted to know that I'm not imagining things, and I suppose just vent really. Im obviously in love with him, and so its really hard for me to cut contact if he is offering it to me. Its like I want/need him to do it for me. And if what he says is true and he loves her and doesnt want to lead me on then he should want to cut contact. yeah, I think I just want to ask am I imagining it?? He obviously does want to keep me hanging one...despite saying otherwise. Because if he didnt he would just stop talking to me and not care about my feelings. We had a really long chat 2 nights in a row last week about everything, I got to ask all the questions I had about our whole relationship and what happened etc and he said that he shouldnt be calling me anymore as he is with her etc and it felt good at the end of the call, I had nothing left to ask and we drew a line under things. I text him afterwards saying that I feel ready to try to move on after our call and thanks for answering my questions, im going to try to not contact you from now on. and his relpy "we can still talk, I like talking to you, I just mean you understand why I cant be calling you... but if you call me I will answer"..... so basically, he means that if she looks at his calls list it will be me calling him, not the other way around. He hasnt even stuck to that anyway and has called me since. We even went out for a drink, where he lied to her about what he was doing and we had a drink and a chat. He told me he still has fellings for me and thats why he says we shouldnt talk/see each other because when we do he is reminded of his feelings, he cried at one point, said that if he met me when he was single we would still be together etc. he even called me that night after I got in and we talked again before going to bed. But the next day nothing... and in the evening he text saying that he hadn't done/said anything to lead me on and that he is with her and nothings going to change that and he is annoyed because he knew that if we went for a drink then I would get my hopes up and he said that if I think he is trying to keep me hanging on then he would rather cut contact with me now and that he has always been clear about who he is with and who he wants.

But then the following day he called me like nothing had changed and we had a nice talk and he was texting me through the day. And again we talked last night and he even mentioned going out for a drink again. Its as if he reels me in, and I go willingly, but then he has a guilt trip and pushes me back again. Regardless of what he says, I think its obvious he is trying to keep me hanging on?? and he thinks he can say what he likes as long as he follows it up with "but im with her and I love her" like its his disclaimer to cover his back.

[Mesemene]

Ask yourself this - if he called and said "I'm done with trying to make things work with her, can I come over?" what would your response be?

 

If it's anything but "oh hell no!" you need to break off contact, if only to keep your sanity and dignity.

 

If he DID do that, think about it, could you really trust that he wouldn't be doing the same things with her he's currently doing with you, keeping her available and waiting?

 

You deserve better than this human ping pong ball. If a child can't decide between a cookie or candy for a treat and refuses to pick, at some point you have to put your foot down and choose yourself, and say "sorry, take it, because you can't have both."

[ladyjane83]

I honestly dont know what I would do in that situation. At the moment I think "god I want him back" but I know thats just because you always want what you cant have and I miss him. If the situation actually arose I know I would never be able to trust him. I just want to know that its not just me imagining things...he is trying to keep me hanging on isnt he?? if he wasnt he would just not talk to me, he particularly wouldnt want to risk ruining things with her for the sake of talking to me. Sometimes I think he is just trying to keep me happy by staying in touch and saying nice things so that I dont get to the angry stage and call her and tell her we have stayed in touch and went for a drink. But then I think well, if he hadnt keep in touch and met up in the first place then there would be nothing to tell therefore nothing to keep me sweet about!!

I said to him that I will always have my hopes up unless he can say to me that no matter what happens with her, even if he was single, then he wouldnt want me anyway, there is never a chance for us. He said 'I will say that if it will help you, do you want me to?' I said only if its true and he said 'well I'm not saying it then'. He says he is totally sure that she is the one he wants not me,...but his actions suggest that he doesnt really know what he wants. One thing I am sure of is that he definitely loved her and doesnt want to lead me on or keep me hanging on then he would NOT be talking to/seeing me and wouldnt care if that upset me

[Tanzi]

This guy had absolutely no trouble at all in lying to both you and his gf for 1.5 years so he isn't going to have any troule in lying to you again and leading you on. Of course he isn't going to tell you to stop texting him or to leave him alone. It didn't worry him tthroughout your "relationship" with him that you were texting him even though he had another gf so why would it worry him now. Not much has changed as far as he is concerned.

 

So he doesn't think things will ever be the same between him and his girlfriend does he? He flipped out when you told him you were going on a date? Its all rubbish. It doesn't mean anything. They are empty words and sentiments.

 

When he had the choice he chose her. He said he wants to make it work with her. If he does meet up with you, he doesn't want you to tell anyone, because he doesn't want her to find out. Why? because if she found out it would be over. Evidently that isn't what he wants. Doesn't that tell you all that you need to know?

 

He isn't going to end the relationship with her. He didn't when he first met you, he didn't when he entered into a relationship with you and he didn't when you found out ... and even though he is still in contact with you, he still hasn't. He has chosen to stay with her and if he does ever meet up with you it will only be as "the other woman" which is all you have ever been.

 

I'm sorry if I come off as being harsh. I hate what some people are prepared to do to others. This guy doesn't deserve you ... and you don't deserve this.

[ladyjane83]

yeah thats my point.... so why is he even bothering to stay in touch with me at all if he "doesnt want to keep me on the back burner"?!?

[Eocsor]

He isn't keeping you on the back burner, you put yourself there. There comes a point in any relationship like this where you have to take responsibilty for yourself and your actions. If you continue to have contact with him, if you continue to allow him to play you like this, it's your fault. You are chosing to remain at the beck and call of a man who is an absolute scum bucket. You know what he is, so thats your problem now, not his.

[ladyjane83]

I want to tell her what he is doing...staying in touch and meeting up with me. I know she will end it if she knew that. But I also don't want him to hate me, and he will if I do that...

[Eocsor]

I want to tell her what he is doing...staying in touch and meeting up with me. I know she will end it if she knew that. But I also don't want him to hate me, and he will if I do that...

 

Well, if you really want a man that would do what he is doing, I guess do whatever you want. I would respectfully suggest though that you have self esteem issues and that maybe counselling would be a good place to start in a journey towards a healthier you.

[ladyjane83]

I already am going to a counsellor about it, dont worry. Its just every one keeps telling me that I need to tell her that he is still lying to her..... do I or is that something for her/him to sort out themsleves?

[ladyjane83]

And yeah, I do have self esteem issues because my last boyfriend did the same thing to me

[Mesemene]

I'd leave that for them to work out. She's chosen to keep a guy who's broken her trust, it's up to her how she deals with him, because even if it's not you he's texting, more than likely, eventually it'll be another.

[ladyjane83]

I know. Its like a battle of wills with myself...I really want them to break up, and I have the power to do it with one text message to her. but its like a poison solution.

[Mesemene]

It's no solution at all - and maybe it'll help you to really think that way.

 

Sure, it might break them up now - but really, what does that accomplish? Proving to her again he can't be trusted? Deep in her heart she knows that. Making him single/available? What does that do for you, really? It MIGHT give you the brief option to be with him - until you find him texting her, or another girl, or five other girls - and then guess what? You ARE her. And you're the one wondering who he's with tonight.

[ladyjane83]

I know. I think its just that everyone keeps telling me how he cant be trusted and I shouldnt want him anyway but I feel like well why arent people saying that to her?? I shouldnt want /cant have him... but she shouldnt either after what he did. I think im jealous that she at least gets a shot at working it out. even if it doesnt work. Its the old case of if I cant have him I dont want her to either. What he did to her is worse than what he did to me so why isnt she telling him to get lost?!

[Tanzi]

yeah thats my point.... so why is he even bothering to stay in touch with me at all if he "doesnt want to keep me on the back burner"?!?

 

For the same reason he started seeing you in the first place I guess. He has never had any intention on leaving his gf so whatever his reasons for staying in contact with you are, one things for sure ... they aren't honourable!

[ladyjane83]

Yeah, I think he won't leave her..but he knows she might leave him, or there's at least a risk of it and he thinks I can be his back up plan. That seems obvious to me but he says that isn't the case and if I think that then he would rather not stay in touch. Even though he has literally said the words that if it doesn't work out with her then I would be the first one he calls

[ladyjane83]

My friend has offered to facebook the girl and tell her that we were still in touch and that we went out for a drink and portray it just as a concerned friend who wants him out of my life and that I don't know she is contacting her.... I know that he will hate me if she finds out, but that would wear off eventually. I don't know whether to take her up on it.... I want the girl to know, but I would be dreading the ineviatable angry phonecall from him.

[Eocsor]

My friend has offered to facebook the girl and tell her that we were still in touch and that we went out for a drink and portray it just as a concerned friend who wants him out of my life and that I don't know she is contacting her.... I know that he will hate me if she finds out, but that would wear off eventually. I don't know whether to take her up on it.... I want the girl to know, but I would be dreading the ineviatable angry phonecall from him.

 

It's her life so stay out of it. You aren't doing it for her sake, it's for yours. You want him free and available so he'll be with you again. It won't happen. At the very most he'll just use you again and toss you aside. Time to grow up a little and think with your head not with your heart. Otherwise, all the pain you will inevitably go through will be your fault, no one elses.

[ladyjane83]

Ah that is why I want to do it, even though I know its stupid. My friends don't want to do it for that reason, they wouldn't induldge me in that way, they honestly think she has a right to know that he is still lying to her.

[Mesemene]

but I feel like well why arent people saying that to her??

 

Her friends and family may well be telling her the same thing - it doesn't mean she has to listen or take their advice.

 

She has to be pretty stubbornly set on changing him, or at the point herself where she just can't make herself let go, to persist after knowing she can't trust him. Why would she listen to you or any of your friends, or even if she listened, why would she believe it? She obviously hasn't come completely to terms with his cheating - or she'd have booted his butt out the door by now.

[ladyjane83]

I know she would believe that we have still been in touch, plus I hve the call list on my phone to prove it and things that I know he has done etc that I wouldn't know if we hadn't talked. Its so tempting to just ruin things for him, but I don't want the risk of him never talking to me again

[ladyjane83]

I'm so so confused right now. I went on a date on friday night and he was perfectly nice but it just made me feel rubbish. My ex called me as I was getting ready and just messed with my head. I text him when I got in and told him I'd been on a date. In the morning he text asking questions about it and was acting jealous again. Then he called me and we talked for a while and were texting all day. He has really confused me with the way he acts and the things he was sayiing fri/sat. Then today I can't get in touch with him, he is obvs with her, and it reminds me of the situation all over again. I can't stop crying.

[ladyjane83]

well we went for a drink. during which he told me he still has feelings for me, but follows this with 'but I have a girlfriend' like its his disclaimer. he even cried when we were out and we hugged for 15mins in the pouring rain. The contact has since been getting more and more, to the point of 2 hour phone calls interspersed with 1-2 days of blanking me while he has a guilt trip. he had been less forthcoming in telling me he is with her and would not leave her for me, instead he was now avoiding the question and sometimes saying how things I say make him think about things etc.

And then yesterday my 'friend' emailed the other girl to tell her we were still in touch and that he is lying to her. the girl called me. he called me. It all kicked off, he has told me he was only staying in touch to 'do the right thing' and it meant nothing. he hates me now and says he will never talk to me again. So I thought I have nothing left to lose and told her all of the times he has called, about going for a drink and all the things he has said to me. He has denied it all and I think she believes him and is going to stay with him. Which means I will never hear from him again and I am so so miserable.