Hope and healing - a question

[Milsch]

To start healing, do you have to give up every last hope that the person will come back?

 

Or can you heal even while in the back of your mind there is still that faint glimmer?

[Vaglar]

I'm going through the pain of a BU. Unfortunately you can't just switch off the "hope" button and let it go... I can't help you here as I'd like to have the answer as well, but I can say that it takes a very long time to heal. Think in terms of months, not days or weeks.

[John3572]

Both. You can be open to a reconciliation but you have to accept and be at peace with there may not be. I have found that it is much more difficult to move forward if you're still in love witness your ex. If it's a bad break up and feelings are bitter the initial breakup is easier but I've felt saddness about the breakup when my bitterness and anger subsided.

[Jane00]

I think it's possible to do both, but of course it's much more difficult to get over someone if in your mind you haven't really 'let go' of them and are still hoping that you'll get back together sometime in the future. I just wish that letting go of that hope was easy to do.

 

I found this video (and that whole website) very helpful:

 

link removed

[endy]

The best thing to do is let go and let the past live in the past. So yes, that would mean giving up hope because all hope is... is still reliving those past moments, wishing for them back. It takes time for your brain to let go, but the way you live your life and new experiences has a lot to do with it.

 

Life has a flow to it... go with the flow. A symptom of a healthy mind is one that lives constantly in the moment.

[Mesemene]

I would say while it's possible, it's likely to be a lot slower going healing - because it's really hard to place all your focus on yourself, and getting your full "self" back if you're leaving some bits and pieces (mentally) hoping they'll come back. It's a part of you that's still looking back in the rearview mirror instead of forward.

 

Setting both yourself and your ex completely free from the relationship means no strings, not even little ones, tugging on you holding you in place. IMO, it also puts you in a much better place to have an effective second chance if that should ever arise - but instead of looking for it, it should be a pleasant surprise, not something you're holding on to.

[meoww]

I think it depends on your situation.

If it's the case that the main cause of my sadness is the rejection, and less to do with losing someone who is really important to me, then I make a lot of effort to stop hoping we'll get back together.

 

But, if I really love the person--it's really not possible to do that! Just learn to live with it. Eventually you'll start becoming a different person and one thing you can count on is the memories fading. It won't hurt as much just for that. Write it all out, it helps me let go of my memories! It's a really good way to let go of the memories, since you know you can read about it if you want, but they're not lingering in your mind torturing you anymore.

[Liraele]

I think what someone else said in response is important - You don't have to give up hope of reconciliation - but you need to learn to be ok with the fact that it may not happen. It's ok to leave the door open, so long as you can be ok with either outcome, and move your life forward.

[Eocsor]

I think if you can accept that the relationship is over, you can still hold out a little hope that one day you might reconcile. Sort of a pleasant fantasy of what if. But if you hold on to real hope that you will reconcile, then I'd say no.

[mhowe]

I'd say, change the word. You can trust -- that your life will turn out the way it is supposed to. Accept what has happened has happened for a reason. And trust, that in time, you will understand. Meanwhile, move forward ---- leave the past where it belongs.