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Boyfriend doesn't want me talking to the ex


Fudgie

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I want to tell him that I've appreciated our time together and that I'll never forget him, even though he's out of my life now. B has always worried about being "Forgotten" about when he's gone. I need to tell him that I won't.

I also feel like I need reassurance that it isn't my fault but that's just stupid and irrational.

I'm not looking for anything on his end. I just want to say that.

 

I have trouble moving on from past relationships if I feel like they a) haven't really done me wrong and b) I've "abandoned" them regardless. I move on romantically but then when I get word that something bad has happened to them like this, I kind of go to pieces and a lot of things come back. That's just me.

 

I don't want to be back with B but part of me feels like I "owe" him something and a part of me feels like I need to take care of him simply because I need to. I don't feel that N is a rebound because I don't have any romantic feelings toward B...just this overwhelming feeling of GUILT and I have to go and make it right. Dumb, I know.

 

I don't know where my guilt comes from. I've struggled with guilt since I was a little girl but I manage. No therapists have been able to pinpoint it. I can't pinpoint it. There was this older guy that took advantage of me when I was much younger and he wanted me to commit suicide with him. I didn't say yes, but I didn't say no. I said nothing because I was afraid. He ended up in the hospital and I got contacted by his mother and I ended up having to call the hospital myself at some point to talk to him. He almost died of a OD. He was so angry and he told me that it was all my fault and that I should have just killed myself.

 

I still think about that and feel this pang of guilt and sadness, even though I know he's a sick, bad, psychotic man who deserves to die for what he has done to me and others.

 

I've had several people through my life try to manipulate me and make me feel bad for their own shortcomings. This has been going on since I was a little girl.

 

I guess this is just the price I pay.

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Well, I guess I was afraid if you do start talking with him, you will naturally gravitate towards him again and feel the need to take over his care. I am just thinking that would be so natural since you've been his girlfriend for so long.

 

As far as saying goodbye, I surely hope your boyfriend would understand that. I think he would.

 

You are probably right. Knowing me, I would be like ".....CAN I COME OVER AND CLEAN YOUR HOUSE. PLEASE LET ME DO SOMETHING."

N would hate that. And I don't blame him.

 

I hope N would let me say goodbye if B died. I know that I will be notified if he's dying so I can call. That's the one thing I'd want to do.

 

I don't trust myself to go in person to see him in that case because I know I'd probably end up staying there and making him food and stuff and I can't do that - I have responsibilities here.

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Honey, it scares me that you say "I have responsibilities here" - are you not in love with B? Are you just with him because you are grateful that he wants to be with you and that he is attracted to you and wants sex with you? Or do you think you owe it to him, because he has been a friend for a long time and thus has patiently pined for you for a long time?

 

Why don't you start drafting a letter for B where you write down everything that you would like to say to him. You don't have to send it, but at least write it all out.

 

As for your history - I don't get why noone was able to help you with identifying where your guilt is coming from, the little bit that you tell here is raising a lot of alarm bells. The fact that you are so non-chalant about is, is sad.

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I was referring to school..I go to school fulltime (classes everyday of the week) and it's out of state, hours from home. I am stuck here. N is not currently here - he's back in my home state. That's where B is too, actually. I would rather be in my home city with N right now, that's for sure.

 

 

 

I'm not sure what I was trying to say here. I just grew up with a lot of different stuff and this is how it's affected me. I had to grow up quickly in some respects and I dono't know why I have guilt.

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Update

 

I ended up calling B. He's in the hospital. Don't know when he's coming out. Don't know what's going on. He sounds miserable, like he hasn't slept. Very sick.

I asked him a whole bunch of meddling questions about his health and his meds. He humoured me and told me. There's a chance that he may get better but we don't know.

 

I was relieved to learn that his son came back to his aid. The one who was out of the picture because he was an alcoholic. Apparently he's sober now and is helping B for some time before he goes back home. I'm relieved for that. VERY RELIEVED. He is caring for the house for a bit.

 

I didn't tell him about N but I told him that us separating was the best thing for both us, and that's irreversible. Line drawn. I told him that I won't forget our times together because he has taught me a lot and supported me a lot, and I wouldn't be the same without him, at least, I wouldn't be the person I am today without him. I told him that I still think he should get treatment so he can enjoy life. He told me that he may get on something soon. Again, relief.

 

I told him that I felt guilty about his heart because I had left. He told me that I was being kinda dumb and that his heart problems have stemmed from issues that he's had for decades, even before I was born. I felt relieved.

 

I told him that I was sorry for being silent but I think it's best if we remain silent, at least for a long while. He says that he understands. That part was a little hard but I stayed firm. I don't know if I will talk to him again but for now, I just need silence myself. If I did talk to him regularly, it would only be if N was okay with it. If not, then no.

 

He gave me an update on the dogs. I smiled. I said goodbye and hung up. Then I cried a little because I felt a lot better.

 

I told N and told him about the whole convo. He seemed touched and wasn't bothered by it once he knew what we talked about. I told him that while I was with B and we loved each other, he has nothing to worry about what happened. He said that he sees that now. He told me that I don't seem upset anymore, and I really don't, and he's glad that I got to talk to him and know what's going on and feel better. So it's worth it.

 

He's right.

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I know. I felt like I needed that. I actually flat was like "This isn't my fault? Is it? I didn't cause this by leaving, did I?" And he was like "Absolutely not. Please don't think dumb things like that." and set me straight.

 

I feel like a weight has been lifted and now I can back to building a relationship with N.

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I think what bothers me is that you actually didn't call a very sick man because you were concerned about him...you called him to alleviate your guilt. The things you said to him were very much all about you. So now you go on to your life with N after unburdening your gullty conscience to a very very sick man. How can you tell a very sick man, basically that you are happy that he alleviated your guilt and now you feel its best that you don't talk anymore. If you truly wanted to support B, you would end your relationship with N so that there would not be this complicating factor and then you would be able to call B and be a supportive friend to him. You could be a supportive friend without it being back to romance. However, it seems that you need to feel like you have a boyfriend caring for you, which is why you jumped immediately to N without spending time alone...and that means you can't be a supportive friend to B and contact him from time to time because of your new relationship with N.

 

You did not give yourself enough time to heal properly before moving on to N. You were crazy about B even in July when you wrote about the break up. Feelings don't turn off that quickly just because you start having sex with someone else. You can go back to your life with N but if B were to die tomorrow you would be back to the same old feelings of guilt, remorse, pain, etc. You can't really have a proper relationship with N until you have fully healed from B..and given that the break up is so recent and his subsequent life-threatening illness you have a lot of painful processing on the horizon that no amount of sex with N and his devotion to you is going to change.

 

If I was in the hospital with a life-threatening illness, I certainly would not appreciate anyone contacting me to make themselves feel better..it is the very ill person who needs the support and comfort from whoever calls...not the other way around. I would also feel pretty devastated, lying on the bed with tubes coming out of my body, in pain, with an uncertain future, and someone who I was once close to just a few short months ago, telling me that the break up was for the best and that they can no longer talk to me anymore.

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I think hearing about his illness triggered an "I need closure" and this was a way to get it - he probably got something positive out of hearing from you -maybe he even enjoyed in some way hearing that you felt guilty because it showed you were thinking of him - good for his ego. I wouldn't have been as concerned as you were about N's discomfort unless the underlying issue was not "I want to call my ex because he is sick" but "I want to share how I'm feeling with my ex". I might have some discomfort about my husband contacting an ex who was very ill but as long as she had moved on I would tell my husband not to worry about my discomfort. I would prefer that the contact be simply a thoughtful card but I would leave it to him and trust him. Maybe N was confused as to why you needed a lengthy conversation with B as opposed to a card. As far as staying in touch I've heard the whole range of comfort to "no way" in various couples -it's such an individual/individual relationship thing.

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I just find it ridiculous that a guy around my age would feel threatened in this situation.

 

Why? Because he was so much older? Because he is of ill-health? She still loved him ... loved him the same as if he were a much younger, fitter, healthier guy. They where together a long time and she loved him very much. There is much evidence of that here on eNA which is why I am rather surprised to be reading about a new boyfriend and their commitment to each other already. As a friend, the new bf watched Fudgie's relationship develop and grow, he knows their relationship. Therefore, he knows more than any of us whether he should feel threatened or not ... and evidently he does!

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Sorry, that should have read .... "and evidently he did!"

 

I'm not going to get into a debate as to whether you should or shouldn't be in a new relationship as that choice has already been made but I think that it is totally understandable why your bf would feel uneasy about you having contact with your ex, given that he must have known how you once felt about him and that you got together shortly after the break up.

 

How will your boyfriend feel if you have continued contact with your ex? Do you feel that you need to have continued contact with your ex?

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Deep down, I feel a need to be in contact with B, not to talk necessarily, but I feel like I need to be his "go to" option in case something bad happens again. It's very hard for me to let go of that instinct. N will not like this, so I am respecting that. But yes, I still do care about B and his health, and that's why I feel the way that I do. However, I can't do anything because it would be disrespectful to N.

 

I moved on really quickly to N but I guess that's just what I felt was right...a lot of aspects of our relationship just seemed to "work" from the beginning, it's not like it took a lot of "prep work" because I had known him for so long, things just fell into place. I feel very good day-to-day but really fell to pieces when I heard that B was ill like this.

 

I loved B to pieces and am not to that point with N.

 

If I had waited to "get over" my guilty feelings regarding B, I would never date anyone again. I waited until I did not feel romantically for him anymore and I moved on. That doesn't mean that I don't still care for him. However, being in a relationship now, I can't do much about it outside of what I already did. I'm glad that I got to call him up and talk to him and see how he was and stuff. It was the first real time that we have talked since the BU, and I needed to tell him, sick or not, that we weren't getting back together because I did give him the whole "GO GET TREATMENT PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE" thing and told him that I wanted him to be happy, but I didn't want him to get the idea that I want to get back with him. I know that he probably will never seek treatment and I don't see him improving.

 

It's a real "damned if I do, damned if I don't." If I am in contact with B/care about him, then I'm disrespecting N's wishes and he must be a "rebound" if I still care about B. If I don't contact B or pretend not to care, then I'm a cold, heartless biotch. I really can't "win" here, but I don't really care. I've done what I've felt is right for me, and for B, and I've said what I needed to say, and now all I can do is step back and watch.

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For the record, the morning after the night we talked, he texted me just to let me know that he was really happy to hear from me and felt at peace with things AND that morning, he had woken up with his heart resuming normal activity, which hasn't happened in a while He is going home soon with some meds. Doctors say that he should be fine and they shouldn't have to see him again. B looks like he'll be fine.

 

*whew*

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