lilxtaxxxiii Posted October 3, 2011 Share Posted October 3, 2011 Hello everyone, First of all, thanks to anyone who takes the time to read this. I am freaking out, and have no one else left to talk to! So, I am freaking out. I have been seeing this wonderful guy for about 5 months now. We started off great, and went through a slight rough patch when we had a weird fight almost every weekend. Mostly because of me and the stupid things I get insecure about. However, after one particularly bad and stupid fight, we talked to each other and reached an understanding that both of us need to communicate with the other better. We agreed to talk more, call each other, etc. We even kept our plans to go to San Diego together for a few days. It was a great vacation, and we had such a great time together. We didn't fight, we just enjoyed each other's company and I really felt like we reached an understanding that sometimes, we just say stupid things we don't mean. Stupid things that can easily be forgiven so we can move on. After that, we did not have a silly argument over nothing for more than two weeks! It felt so great, I thought we would finally be able to move on. This past weekend, however, I said one of these stupid things that could easily have been overlooked. It was such a non-issue, and I felt terrible for even bringing it up. He did something that made me feel a little weird, and I wasn't very smooth in saying why I felt weird, and I suggested cancelling plans for the next night because of this. I texted him this stupid thing, and he didn't respond all night so I figured he was annoyed and wanted to be left alone. I had every intention of calling him the next morning to apologize profusely and hopefully laugh with him about how stupid it all is. He texted me first, however. He was furious, and cancelled all our plans for the weekend. He refused to call me or let me call him. I told him all I wanted to do was apologize and explain, and he wouldn't let me do that either. I texted him a few times to check up and him and make sure he's ok. He would only say "I just want the weekend to myself". I emailed him a long apologetic email, telling him how sorry I am to have let something so silly make him this upset, and that the last thing I wanted to do was have a fight. All I wanted to do was say I'm sorry. He only wrote back one line: "I'm fine Sam. Just tired and wanted time to myself." What's going on? Could he possibly be this upset over something so stupid? And I guarantee you, it really is just that stupid and such a non-issue. We planned for a whole week for a day trip with his sister and my sister and he just cancelled it. He wouldn't let me apologize, refuses to speak to me. According to his sister, he hasn't been speaking with her, either. He just keeps saying over and over that he wants the weekend to himself. Well, the weekend is over, and he still has not contacted me at all. I am worried sick, both about him and the relationship. I've cried, I haven't been able to eat or sleep very well. I really care about this guy, I love him. How can he leave me in the dark like this? What's going on? Does he want to break up with me? If he wants to dump me, I wish he would just do so already without keeping me in such awful suspense. Things were JUST starting to get better, and I thought they would just keep getting better and stronger... I didn't think either of us would let something silly get in the way of improving things. Or does he really just want time to himself? Why won't he tell me what's going on? What is he hiding from me? Why won't he tell me why he needs space? He says he's tired... He's always tired... Really? Why won't he even let me apologize? Why is he throwing away what we worked so hard to fix? Why does he hate me... I hate those words so much. "I need time to myself"... Link to comment
mhowe Posted October 3, 2011 Share Posted October 3, 2011 This isn't about the last "stupid" little thing --- it's about the pattern of behavior that defines your relationship. Fighting every weekend is not normal. Going two weeks w/out fighting and thinking that's amazing isn't that normal either. He is most likely tired of the drama, the fighting and the apologizing --- for it all to happen again next week. He is very tired.....of all of it. Because it doesn't end. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted October 3, 2011 Share Posted October 3, 2011 If you want to communicate better why are you communicating by text and e-mail about things that have to do with your relationship and about things that concern you or bother you? I would think that that is one of the poorest ways to communicate in your situation. I agree with the cumulative effect which is probably why it's not a non-issue to him. I dated someone for about 2 months who was insecure and would make regular comments that reflected that - alone, some of them may have been a non-issue but it was the cumulative effect for sure. Give him as much space as he needs and then double it. Let him have breathing room and let him miss you a little. Link to comment
lilxtaxxxiii Posted October 3, 2011 Author Share Posted October 3, 2011 I understand about the pattern, but he has not even given it much time to change. He promised to try and communicate better, and not really doing a good job of keeping that promise right now. He wants time to himself, fine, but he can't just leave me hanging here without telling me what's going on Link to comment
lilxtaxxxiii Posted October 3, 2011 Author Share Posted October 3, 2011 Batya, it was through text and email because it's how he likes to do things... He doesn't like the phone, though he has promised to call more often to avoid miscommunications like we used to have. This time, he refused to call, he refused to let me call... what else am I supposed to do? Link to comment
mhowe Posted October 3, 2011 Share Posted October 3, 2011 He's not leaving you hanging --- he's telling you to leave him alone. So do that. You said something stupid that could have been overlooked, but wasn't. That is his choice. It was your choice to say something stupid, because, you didn't have to. So, give him time to himself --- he texted to say leave him alone, and you haven't even come close to that behavior and it is Monday. Link to comment
DN Posted October 3, 2011 Share Posted October 3, 2011 One constant relationship error that I see on here all the time after a fight it "it was so trivial" or "it was over nothing". But usually it wasn't trivial or nothing to the other person and their feelings should be respected, not dismissed. I agree also with mhowes's post - this pattern of fights is unhealthy. Do not be surprised if he wants to break up, you should be prepared to be able to reassure him this won't happen like this again and you will find better ways to resolve issues if he will try again. Link to comment
DylanNotorious Posted October 3, 2011 Share Posted October 3, 2011 Why are you texting him stupid things then? Why did you start the argument for? Link to comment
Batya33 Posted October 3, 2011 Share Posted October 3, 2011 If he doesn't want to talk by phone then you have to wait until you see him in person to discuss important matters. Honestly, that wouldn't work for me unless I saw the person several times a week - I would think he would want to compromise a bit on that - but the answer isn't typing, that's for sure. Link to comment
lilxtaxxxiii Posted October 3, 2011 Author Share Posted October 3, 2011 The stupid thing I said wasn't exactly stupid... He did something to make me uncomfortable. I wasn't the smoothest in telling him so, but it was still something that made me feel weird and I was hoping to talk about it with him Link to comment
RedDress Posted October 3, 2011 Share Posted October 3, 2011 I hate to say it, but I think this is a simple case of incompatibility. You see... some people think that bickering and arguing over silly little things is "normal" relationship behaviour. Others see this as completely disfunctional. I agree that it's not about the issue. It's about the way that you handled the issue. At this point, he will either forgive you and decide to try to work on the relationship or he won't. I would take this as a very major sign, though, that you need to start to pick your battles. Because if he IS still around... he won't be for long if you continue with the arguments. Link to comment
lilxtaxxxiii Posted October 3, 2011 Author Share Posted October 3, 2011 Batya, I totally agree with you. We've just fallen into a bad pattern of texting and emailing instead of actually talking to each other. We only see each other on the weekends really, and I wish he weren't so uncomfortable with the phone so we could talk at least once during the week... Link to comment
Seraphim Posted October 3, 2011 Share Posted October 3, 2011 I hate to say it, but I think this is a simple case of incompatibility. You see... some people think that bickering and arguing over silly little things is "normal" relationship behaviour. Others see this as completely disfunctional. I agree that it's not about the issue. It's about the way that you handled the issue. At this point, he will either forgive you and decide to try to work on the relationship or he won't. I would take this as a very major sign, though, that you need to start to pick your battles. Because if he IS still around... he won't be for long if you continue with the arguments. I agree with this. You have to deal with things in a similar fashion. Also texting and email is SO bad for relationships I do not even know where to start. Also what is no big deal to someone might be a very big deal to someone else. Communication should really be done face to face. If he asked you to leave him alone though that means he is seriously angry and I would leave him alone till he comes to you. Link to comment
Tanzi Posted October 3, 2011 Share Posted October 3, 2011 What may seem like something "stupid" or a "non-issue" to you may not to him, especially as (by your own admissions) the fights were usually down to you and your insecurities. Don't underestimate the affect your words or actions may have had on him, especially if they have happened time and time again and HE is the one generally on the receiving end of something YOU have said. maybe it really couldn't be over-looked this time. After all, you pledged to communicate better with each other and not two weeks later you are back to square one. Also, you said: why he is he throwing away what we worked so hard to fix and: Things were JUST starting to get better, and I thought they would just keep getting better and stronger... I didn't think either of us would let something silly get in the way of improving things. BUT ... you know what ... maybe that is exactly what he is thinking. Link to comment
Wager Posted October 3, 2011 Share Posted October 3, 2011 Gracious… Have you read through what you wrote? There is no mystery here, and what seems to be unclear to you is stated by you in your post repeatedly. “I am freaking out” “So, I am freaking out” “we had a weird fight almost every weekend” “Mostly because of me and the stupid things I get insecure about” “sometimes, we just say stupid things we don't mean” “Stupid things that can easily be forgiven so we can move on” “I said one of these stupid things that could easily have been overlooked” “It was such a non-issue, and I felt terrible for even bringing it up” “I suggested cancelling plans for the next night because of this” “I texted him this stupid thing” “I had every intention of calling him the next morning to apologize profusely and hopefully laugh with him about how stupid it all is” “He was furious, and cancelled all our plans for the weekend” “He refused to call me or let me call him” “I told him all I wanted to do was apologize and explain, and he wouldn't let me do that either” “I texted him a few times to check up and him and make sure he's ok” “He would only say "I just want the weekend to myself"” “I emailed him a long apologetic email, telling him how sorry I am to have let something so silly make him this upset” “He only wrote back one line: "I'm fine Sam. Just tired and wanted time to myself."” “What's going on?” What is going on?! You two have been quarreling repeatedly and in your own words, over nothing, you choose to text him, again, in your own words, “one of these stupid things,” he responds by clearly not considering it such a dismissible, easily forgettable issue and asks you for time and space – to which you react by blowing up his phone and/or email and contacting his sister? He asks you to leave him alone, he tells you to leave him alone, he demonstrates to you that he wishes to be left alone, and you respect him by haranguing him until he cuts off contact with you entirely as you obviously have no intention of respecting his wishes. My guess is that he is absolutely going to break up with you, and with good cause. You may find his delay irritating, but as he is trying and likely has been trying for some time to convey to you, it is not all about you. If you do not get yourself under control, gain some perspective and maturity, as well as common-sense and self-restraint, not only is this current relationship going to come crashing to a screeching halt, if it is not well on its way to such a conclusion, as it is, but every relationship to follow. Wager Link to comment
Wager Posted October 3, 2011 Share Posted October 3, 2011 If I text and email you a thousand times, will that make you feel better? You prove my point about your immaturity and insecurity better than even I can with your name calling and juvenile passive-aggressive attempts at insult, but you still refuse to take responsibility for your culpability in this failing relationship. You are still making excuses for and trying to trivialize your poor behavior with sanctimonious explanation, none of which will help you resolve the problems with your current partner or prevent you from making the same ones with the next. You make not like how I phrase things, but the truth remains just that, apparently hurts, and cannot be dismissed with a tantrum. I suspect this is not the first time you have encountered such issues in a relationship, and if you continue to refuse to acknowledge them, much less repair them, it certainly will not be the last. Wager Link to comment
diamond78 Posted October 3, 2011 Share Posted October 3, 2011 If this is any indication of the type of remarks you say to your partner or how you react to things, then that explains alot about why he needed a weekend away from the relationship. I get the feeling that he may think you are too much to deal with at times. And no man wants to spend his weekends having arguments all the time even if the reason why you were upset was justifiable. The fact that two weeks of no argument is progress says alot about the incompatibility that exists bewtween you two. What exactly is he doing to hurt your feelings or make you feel uncomfortable?? Maybe we can get to the root of the problem because the constant arguing is going to make the relationship fall apart as clearly evidenced by his emotional shut-down this weekend. Link to comment
SapphireNoir10 Posted October 3, 2011 Share Posted October 3, 2011 Learn from this. Learn to communicate face to face. Not via text. Learn to give someone space when they want it. Chances are even if you two are ok this time, you might not make it through another one of these issues. Link to comment
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