Jump to content

My 68 y/o dad is gay but living a lie. What should I do???


Recommended Posts

Long story. Here are the basics. Around 1997 my mom told me that my dad is gay and having affairs with men on the side. She even knew one guy's name and the town he lived in. Another guy was a 'friend' of my dad that even went on vacation with us once. Looking back they did go on 'walks' together a lot. Anyway, she said he didn't know she knew, and I never mentioned it to him either. At first I really wasn't convinced that he is gay, but over the years I've accidentally come accross things that strongly support that he IS gay including a very X-rated internet browser history (my dad is notorious for not clearing it of gay porn sites), suggestive photos of him with another man that were in his car (I was a back seat passenger and they were just left on the floor in plain view - I wasn't snooping), and numerous online gay profiles & personal ads.

 

My mom (his wife of 40 years) died in 2009 at age 64 from cancer. A few months before my mom died, my dad was contacted by a woman he briefly dated in high school. He is 68 and she is 66. Soon after my mom died they started spending a lot of time together. My dad was lonely and she is also a widow so I was glad they had each other for companionship. Over the months I could tell she was starting to get really attached to my dad and made assumptions that their companionship was more than friendship. I've expressed my concerns about her expectations to my dad and he agreed but he's very non-confrontational and I'm sure he hasn't spoken to her about it (which means she probably assumes she is correct thinking that they are in a romantic relationship).

 

Anyway, as recently as a few weeks ago I was visiting my dad with my kids and husband, and volunteered to 'Google' something that we couldn't remember. When I opened his laptop, his internet browser was left open on his gay Facebook profile (he has one in his own name but this was his 'secret' profile under a false name that he frequently uses for these purposes). He also had numerous gay personal ad sites open. I just discreetly closed them without anyone (or him) noticing and went on with my Google search. My dad has his house for sale right now and the woman he is 'dating' (if you can really call it that) will be moving in on December 1st. They are also planning to buy a house together once my dad's house sells. This stresses me out very much! From the beginning she has been WAY more into him. All of these years she has been thinking of him fondly, but I never even heard of her until she contacted him out of the blue. I know my dad genuinely enjoys her companionship with is great but she isn't looking for that - she clearly wants a LTR. My dad isn't a millionaire but he does have a lot to lose financially if things go amiss with her. I am considering talking with my dad about what my mom told me (that he is gay) and the things I've come accross to support that.

 

I don't care if my dad is gay, but I DON'T like that he has been hiding it all of these years, cheating on my mom, and now he's bringing another woman into it while he's actively seeking men on the side. The way I see it she WILL find out after she moves in because he's sloppy about it and doesn't hide the 'evidence' well. Then what??? I don't want him to be in that situation. I am an only child so I really don't have any family to discuss this with. My husband says not to say anything but I don't feel like that's the right thing to do. I'm not trying to 'out' my dad unwillingly but am I wrong to feel this way since he's being so deceptive? Please - what do I do? What do I say? I don't want to embarrass my dad but I also don't want him to hurt this woman or end up in an unpleasant situation. If she finds out she will be hurt, mad and will surely say nasty things about him to people. I don’t want him to face any of that either. Advice PLEASE!!!

Link to comment

I think you should stay out of it.

 

Your father is a man with much more "experience" than you. You really don't know what's going on with his relationship with this woman (maybe they are sleeping together... maybe she knows about his desire for men as well...). As an adult, it's really his choice to do what he wants to do. I'm sure he knows the risks. It's his choice to make.

 

We don't have to agree with the choices that our parents make - but we have to respect them.

 

I think you should stay out of it.

Link to comment

Thank you for your reply, RedDress. I am considering staying out of it as well. My concern is that he will really damage this woman. My father's secret life led to my mother drinking heavily throughout the 1990's. She died a very unhappy woman knowing that her husband didn't really love her (romantically) and that he was cheating on her for years with men while their marriage remained sexless (yes, she told me - gag!) Knowing my dad so well, I STRONGLY doubt he has told her or has any plans to tell her. And knowing her, there is NO WAY she would be ok with it. She is very conservative and 'traditional'. If I don't say something gently to my dad I really believe the only outcome is going to be very unpleasant.

Link to comment
If I don't say something gently to my dad I really believe the only outcome is going to be very unpleasant.

 

And if you say something will the outcome be any different? It'd just be unpleasent between you and your dad. It is his life and you don't know the full situation to be involved. Honestly for your happiness I'd stay out of it.

Link to comment

I think I'm going to go out on a limb, and say talk to him privately, though do NOT be confrontational.

 

I say this because I fear they may get married, then when she inevitably finds out and divorces him, she will probably take him for everything he has.

 

Even though it is his life and his actions, he needs to be aware of what nasty outcomes may arise. He may think this woman will stay quiet and compliant like your mother, which I doubt is the case.

 

If he wants to be with this woman, he at least needs to know how obvious he is with leaving Facebook, porn, etc. up on his computer.

Link to comment

Thank you for your responses. I know he is an adult and can make his own decisions, etc. etc. etc. If I were to say something to him I would never be confrontational about it and just bring up some important realities that he is obviously missing or choosing not to acknowledge. My dad has always told me to be responsible for your actions and in his public life he is. In his 'secret' life his actions make him a total jerk to those he supposedly loves. Also, I try to think that if this were me living the secret life and he knew about it - would he say something to me? I definitely know he would. I don't care if my dad continues to live in the closet - I'm not trying to force him out, but I just don't like seeing him drag an unsuspecting person into that mess.

Link to comment
And if you say something will the outcome be any different? It'd just be unpleasent between you and your dad. It is his life and you don't know the full situation to be involved. Honestly for your happiness I'd stay out of it.

 

Thanks for your reply. I know what you're saying. I'm not looking forward to bringing this up (if I ever do), that's for sure! But I really believe though that my dad will be more embarrased than mad if I did say something. I would be discreet and private about it. I'm sure he would soon realize that I don't care if he's gay and get on with his life in whatever manner he chooses. However, If SHE found out about it - forget it!!! She'd tell people and it would be a HUGE mess and would take a long time to fix the damage. I'm not trying to out him - he can stay closeted forever if he wants - that is something only he can decide. But I really think it's urgent that he realizes how obvious he is with leaving his gay accounts open on his laptop and clearing his internet browsing history, etc. I feel like as a good, responsible daughter (and his only child) that it is my responsibility somehow to bring this situation to his attention. If I were the one living the double life and HE knew as much about it as I do, I KNOW he would definitely talk with me about it.

Link to comment

Isn't it entirely possible, though, that they might have a sexless relationship anyways? I mean... not to be ageist... but if he is 68 and she is 66... yanno... sex drive declines with age... sometimes parts stop working...

 

OR... I mean... if they are moving in together, chances are they've done it.

 

Personally, I think you are projecting a little bit. It's much, MUCH different to be a 20-something women with small children stuck in a sexless marriage where you desperately wish they would be attracted to you when he is secretly gay than to be a 60-something woman looking for a companion where sex might (keyword might) not be really even be on the menu anyways.

 

So - out of curiosity (and not trying to be cheeky) - what is your main concern? Are you worried that HE will get hurt? That SHE will get hurt? Or about his money and reputation?

 

EDITED TO SAY: Actually, if your concern is the obviousness with which he leaves his browsers open - I think you definitely can broach that. You don't even really have to talk about content. Just that it's... not private and that maybe his future gf might object to some of the material.

Link to comment

I personally think you should talk to him about it. I don't see how just acknowledging it can have a disastrous consequence. He might be thankful that it's out in the open and he can talk to you about it? I don't know. But I'd definitely tell him to be more discrete with what he leaves up on his computer and ask him about his relationship with this woman, just to gauge where they're at and possibly avoid either of them getting hurt.

Link to comment

I would stay out of it, I don't see how you think it is your responsibility to do something. It would be different actually if your dad wasn't seeing anyone and you discovered his browsing history. In that case since you would not be interfering in his love life, then it would just be about you and him. Right now you would just be binging yourself into a mess that is really none of your business.

Link to comment

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...