Confusedbill Posted October 3, 2011 Share Posted October 3, 2011 When I first met my wife we did all the normal things couples did - going out to cinema, going to have meals, going out for walks ect. Even when we got married we still did these things and even when we had our daughter we still found time to find time for each other. Then my wife became ill not life theating but ment she would need to take medicine for the rest of her life still we got on with our Lives. She packed up job 1 because of her illness and to look after our daughter. I should have said that we live with my mother-in law my wife has lived with all her life and I moved when we got together with my wife. In last five years my mother-in law has needed a lot more help and general thats fine. We have always taken her with us to shop, on holiday and where evey go out. But now me and my wife never do any thing as a couple, she is always upset with me saying that I don't help around the home or with my mother-law. I myself go to work during the day when finish I have to get what ever shopping is needed when I get home I then have cook dinner for everyone. If my daughter is staying late at school or going out with her friends I have go and get her. My wife has her own car but has not driven it for over three years or more. I myself do some volentary work where I go to out two or three evening a month and all my wife's says is that always going out. Even when I stay home the only thing we do is watch telly never go out. My wife say we can go out and leave my mother-in law even though she leaves in morning for couple of hour when she goes to work. I know she has to take care her mum : take to toilet, bath her get her up and take her to bed but that should not stop us having some time together. I probly sime a typical man just moaning about things but I don't know another man that does all things I do. Even when when its our wedding anniversary my wife does not want to go out on our own. She will all find fault with whatever I do. She never feels any thing I do is enough I should do more. Even in bed we never haver sex any more a least for last 8 years say she is to tied. She never takes her mother in to bed until very late at night so when its time for us to go bed it's very late. If I try and say any thing about what she does I get a full argument about what don't do. She will start an argument or the silliest thing and then blames me for starting an argument. She never think that what she says or does is wrong. She just keeps finding fault with everything I do. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DN Posted October 3, 2011 Share Posted October 3, 2011 What does your wife do for you? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stay_home Posted October 3, 2011 Share Posted October 3, 2011 That certainly doesn't help that she blames you for everything. Have you ever considered going to counseling before? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RedDress Posted October 3, 2011 Share Posted October 3, 2011 You know... I was going to say that the problem is the mother-in-law... but no sex in 8 years? That has nothing to do with the mother in law. I firmly believe that when people restrict their world to taking care of others (she's in the home all day, with her mother, cleaning poop, etc.) - well... the tiniest little thing that you do is going to get on their nerves. The reason is that their world is small. If you spill a glass of milk... well... it was the most exciting part of the day and it just turned their whole world upside down. Whereas, when you have a big, fulfilling life, a glass of spilled milk is just not going to bother you as much because you have SO much more to worry about. I think somewhere in there, she has forgotten that she is your wife. What needs to happen, is you need to get to a place where you are connecting as a couple. Where you are doing couple things. This isn't going to happen anytime soon if she refuses to leave her mother. There are a couple of ways that you can get this point accross. You can sit with a councillor. You can try to have the heart-to-heart on your own. But you really need to be adament that a solution is found (can you bring in a volunteer nurse or babysitter in once a week so you can go out as a couple?). She's forgotten she is your wife. This is bad for you, it's bad for the relationship... and you know what? It's bad for her too. Don't take "no" for an answer. You aren't wrong. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crazyaboutdogs Posted October 3, 2011 Share Posted October 3, 2011 How is your wife's illness these days? Is she managing physically? How is her emotional health. Being the primary caregiver of a sick parent can be very very difficult physically and emotionally. Does she talk about how she is coping with looking after her mother? Does she have siblings who are not doing anything to help with the care of her mother? Do you think she might need help from a nursing service regarding her mother? It is possible that she doesn't want to go out other than for work because she feels guilty leaving her ailing mother alone. When someone is the primary caregiver of an ailing parent, spouse or child, often there are conflicting emotions...pain to watch a loved one suffer, resentment for putting life on hold to care for the person, feeling guilty for feeling that resentment etc. That's not to mention the physical toll it takes always being watchful to make sure the ailing person doesn't fall, having to physically lift the person, move the person etc. It is possible that your wife is feeling the normal feelings of being a primary caregiver and so she ends up taking it out on you in frustration. Try talking to her about how she is feeling, perhaps make suggestions on how to lighten her burden with regard to the caregiving (maybe hire a nurse a few days a week). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DN Posted October 3, 2011 Share Posted October 3, 2011 One thing you should not do is to blame yourself. Many people would have long since bailed on this situation. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Confusedbill Posted October 3, 2011 Author Share Posted October 3, 2011 As she puts it that she does my washing makes a flask of coffee for to take to work but nothing emotionllly Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Confusedbill Posted October 3, 2011 Author Share Posted October 3, 2011 Her illness is under control She find it hard physical to cope with helping her mother to move her around as her mother uses a frame. My wife does not ask for any help from our doctor or any body else apart from myself. She says she knows best. She wil not take any advise from me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Confusedbill Posted October 3, 2011 Author Share Posted October 3, 2011 Even before my mother-law need the extra help my wife was the same. I think that she felt emotionally upset giving up her job when she got her illness and to look after our daughter. She would look for any part time job which fitted in with her situation. Even then she would find fault with what I did. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crazyaboutdogs Posted October 3, 2011 Share Posted October 3, 2011 Then you need to sit down and have a real heart to heart talk with her. Tell her you are concerned about her and that there are avenues for her to explore so that she doesn't have to bear the burden of caring for her mother on her own. If she refuses to listen then you have to get tougher and tell her all the things you are doing to help her but she is lashing out at you and her stress is impacting the family. Tell her that there are ways this can be managed better, there are avenues for assistance and this is what needs to be done in order to prevent her from burning out, you from burning out and having negative impact on your children. Basically you need to set boundaries and use tough love. Often caregivers are reluctant to relinquish control because they think they have to do everything for the ailing person. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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