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Ex sends me a facebook friend request after 2 weeks NC

In the Midst

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As many of you know my story, she let me know that her ex move in with her and I sent her a communication letting her know how important for both of us to move ahead, and I wished her the best and thanked her for the treatment she bestowed upon me. I pointed out we were both beginning new lives and I thought it would be best if we did not worry about reaching out to one another. I ended it by saying I will never forget her and she will always occupy a special place in my heart and wished Gods protection on her family.


How should I handle this?


Should I accept or reject? I do not plan on communicating or going on her page until I am able to handle something I might not want to see and most importantly a better man who has grown and changed enough to handle whatever.






Reject with explanation?

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Depends, what are you getting out of it? You might be temped to check her page, especially 2 weeks after a BU (not sure if its 2 weeks of bu and nc?). Is that spike in pain and sadness worth whatever you are going to get from this?


If in 2 weeks she got back with an ex, I would question her character. Sounds really suspect, I wouldnt accept. But again, I am not sure if the BU was 2 weeks also.

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Reject. You're going to see her posting about her life on there and her pictures. A lot of people who are in relationships put a picture of themselves and their SO together as a profile picture. Are you really ready to see that? Maybe sometime down the road where you know you have moved on you should be facebook friends, but for now you should let yourself heal. It's just going to be tempting to check out her facebook page, and then you're going to make yourself depressed by it. I've been through this enough with friends to know. I haven't had a serious relationship, so I can't speak from experience but I do know from comforting many friends that you shouldn't accept. One of my friends younge sister did exactly this, even though I told her not to. She is only 19 but we get along really well, actually better than her sister who is my age. Anyway, she came to me for advice because he had deleted her after they broke up and then a month later he added her back. I told her not to accept because he had dumped her for another girl, and so she was going to see their lives together. She didn't listen and got to the point of depression where she was skipping classes, and she is in college. I went over to her place, she was already logged into her facebook and deleted him from her page and made her get up and get out of the apartment for a while. She is still a little depressed, but getting better everyday now that she can't look at his facebook page anymore. I just hope she doesn't go back on her word and add him back.

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A few reasons,not in order of imporance:


1. It gives her the luxury of being able to keeping tabs on you without really being in your life. She dumped you. She can't have her cake and eat it. Make her live with the consequences.


2 It will drive you insane. You'll waste tons of emotion and mental energy trying to interpret her posts, trying to figure out what to post yourself, and it enables her to toy with you or be cruel or mysterious or coquettish or whatever... It's incredibly easy to paint a false picture of your life on fb.


3 It lets her know she still has a hold on you.


4 By ignoring it, you'll cause he to really wonder what's up... e.g. "Is he mad at me? Has he forgotten me and moved on already? Is he too hung up on me, or was he maybe never that into me to begin with? Is he seeing someone and doesn't want me to know? Has he even checked his page?? Have I lost him? Should I have even sent the request? Have I misread him?"


5. It demonstrates self-respect and resolve, to you and her.


6. You'll get over her and move on a lot more quickly and thoroughly if you cut off all contact, for a few weeks a least. 6 months from now, friend her if you want to.


As for why she'd do this, it's obvious. She wants the ego boost and security of knowing you're still attached to her. This isn't really fair to you though. Show her (and yourself) you have the self-respect to stick to your plan.

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Also, in light of what went down with us, why do you think she would send a facebook request after I requested a no contact policy?


The simple answer should be, why are you questioning this? You previously sent her the message stating that it's best for the both of you to move forward, and added to that, she's now living with her ex.


With that being said, where are you going with this?

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Good lookin out. You're an insightful dude. I can definitely see most of what you said much more clearer partic No.2 and No.1, and 6.


Only question I would have would the dynamics be the same for all of them because the specifics were that she wanted me to make a commitment and she wanted to marry me, and I could not give that to her at the time, and it hurt her. So she chose to limit our contact. She did me no wrong, nor did she dump me. I believe she felt she had lost me because I still had ties to someone else.


To be honest with you I basically acknowledged what my heart had been telling me. I had been wrestling with this for years, literally and I struggled to make my then current relationship work. But if your head and heart are not in unison it makes for some troubled waters.


My expression is going to be what you recommended because I think it is best for me and ultimately her.


To all those who are not in relationships but would like one, make sure your head and heart are in unison. Make a good decision and stick with it. Make that person(particularly women) make a commitment to you and make them earn your intimacy before you give yourself to them. It is too easy to walk away and the emotional toll, scars, and damage to your subconscious mind is way too high to take chances.


A man will love a woman who he is attracted to yet doesn't yield to his advances without commitment and makes him earn her being.


A man will like a woman who he is attracted to but succumbs easy. He will like the next one even better.


This experience has taught me that preventive measures trump reactionary ones, all day every day.

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I've been though this a few times, and one time it was a similar situation to yours, in that I "offically" ended the relationship because I was unwilling to make that major commitment and still had ties to someone that hadn't been completely severed (long story).


Anyway, once you decide you made a mistake and try to reconcile with the person you once rejected, the dynamic changes completely. You are pretty much the "dumpee" at this point. But you're right, it's not exactly the same as if your ex initiated the breakup. I think you do have to explain your actions, that you've come to realize you made a mistake and try to convince her that things would be different... but once you've done that, you do need to go away.


In my situation, I was sincere, as Im sure you are (there will be many people telling her otherwise). I poured out my heart in an email which I'd be afraid to read now, but which sought to explain everything, and more or less offered to get engaged. I'd be afraid to read it, because I'm sure it was overwrought. (Weirdly enough, the other day while cleaning my desk I found a draft I'd handwritten of a letter I was going to send to her back hen -- *cringe* -- thank God I isend that one). She was with someone else by then and rejected my attempt after a couple days' consideration. I tried to stay in touch for a while but she ignored me, at which time I joined this board and stopped trying to contact her. It was sheer agony -- I was dealing with other issues at the time, but losing her really put me over the edge emotionally.


Finally, after three + months of no contact, I did hear from her. I gingerly encouraged the contact, and we did reconcile a few weeks later. (We went too fast, looking back on it, but we did last another year and a half or so -- a story for another day).


After we'd reconciled, she admitted my letter did move her, and she was gratified to learn I realized I'd taken her for granted, etc. But by then she was with someone else and her heart had already hardened against me. To what extent the letter had planted a seed in her mind, I really don't know...


BUT the upshot of it is that, as with every other time I've been "dumped," she didn't come back until I'd stopped trying and gone NC or at least very low contact, for several months. I've come to believe that a complete break is necessary for a reconciliation to take place..


This was in the days before facebook, but I have had some experience with that too. Like right now. This most recent relationship was short (3 month) but intense, and we were already fb friends. I figured I could handle that since it wasn't that long a relationship, and while I was hurt by the breakup, I wasn't devastated. Still, it was agony looking at her page those first few days, trying to figure out what was going on. Her ex posted a picture of her cat, which told me he'd been to her house... then there were some flirty wall posts between them... argh... so I stopped looking, and it's made a huge difference. I didn't want to block her bc I figured that would look too much like I was crushed, but I was able to stop, cold turkey, looking at her page...


In your situation, you had a much longer relationship, you aren't already fb friends, and you TOLD her you wanted NC. So yes, I think you should stick to your guns on that for now.


BTW, I'm still conflicted about what you say in your last few lines there, but I'm inclined to agree. You do have to guard your heart, but there's a fine line between that and developing a hard shell that maybe prevents you from trusting and opening yourself upto the possibility of love...

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