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The birthday text 9 months later


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It’s been 9 months since we broke up and it was a one-year relationship (almost exactly). Today was her birthday so I decided to message her. I went through the options before doing so. Text? Too personal. Call? Not sure if I’m ready to hear her voice again. E-mail? Seems a bit too formal. FB? Perfect.

 

I did it this morning because I didn’t want to do the night thing. I don’t want her thinking I’m thinking of her at night. I know she’s not a big FB user (that’s why I kept her added) so I’m not expecting a prompt reply--but expecting one--and the anxiety is killing me.

 

I didn’t think this would affect me. We had a fairly mature breakup since it was almost mutual but as soon as I hit send, my heart dropped to my stomach and I’ve been checking compulsively on my FB app to see if she’s messaged back. My birthday is in a month so it’s also got me wondering if she’ll remember too.

 

I’m freaking out. What if she doesn't reply? What if she just doesn't want me saying happy birthday to her? What if she thinks I'm trying to get her back? Did I do the right thing in messaging her? Is it normal to act this way? Does this mean I'm not over her?

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If you have been on this site at all, the bday message is a huge hurdle....and you fell. You are not over her, or you would not be checking compulsively to see if she has messaged back. If she does reply, if she doesn't reply --- it doesn't matter. You can no longer pretend that you have dealt with this and are over her. You need to move on.

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I am seeing a new person. We've been together for 3 months. I thought I was over her. As a matter of fact, I did it because the weekend went really well with the girl, and I couldn't feel anything for the ex. But now this is so different.

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Going to have to agree with mhowe here....if you really were over her I'm not sure you would care so much. Although, I understand putting yourself out there and being scared to not get anything in return. It's a bad feeling, but I admit that when I have gone through that it was because I still had feelings for my ex. I don't think just because you wanted to say happy birthday that means you are still hung up on here. When you share an impiortant relationship with someone, you can still care with out having feelings of 'love'...and wanting to say happy birthday as a kind gesture. But the fact that you hung up on it speaks volumes. I think someone who is over them would probably think 'Oh it's their birthday' send a message/text...what ever and let it go.

 

My exes bday was a few weeks ago and I struggled with this TREMENDOUSLY so I feel your pain. I finally decided against it because I know I'm not totally over him and I couldn't put myself through 'this'....the limbo of will they answer, what will they thing? And maybe the tinnnnnyyyyyy part of you (whether we know it or not) has hope it might open up lines for communication again....wasn't gonna even go there.

 

Just try your best to let it go. It was really nice of you to send the birthday message, but don't hang on if she will reply or what she will think. Let it go as hard as it is.

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It is clear that you still carry a torch for her, and it would have been in your best interest to not send any birthday message. She lost that pleasure when she broke it off with you. She chose to let go of any niceties from you. With that being said, you did it, and it's done, and you really should consider going back to doing nothing. You said yourself that she doesn't go on there often, so you can't expect any response promptly if that's the case anyways...

 

As mhowe said, it's a hurdle we all have to cross, and you hit the hurdle dead on and fell over, and now you are emotionally paying the consequences. I went back and forth in my head about sending my ex a bday message back in august and the day was hard, the not messaging was hard, but that passed, and now i know it was the best option for ME. You have to think about YOU, not her. She's out of your life. She chose that.

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I know I have to let it go, but I didn't know sending that little message would just trigger so much emotion in me. It's just a message, I thought. Hell no, this is horrible emotional and psychological torture. Worst part is I think she won't even log on to FB on her birthday so if there's any hope of her replying, it'll be until later.

 

Then again if she didn't want to hear from me again she could have just blocked me right? I don't know, she's not with a new guy officially but I am. I thought, why not? Why be bitter about it?

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Why do you care? It isn't about you sending a message, it is about you getting a response. From someone you broke up with 9 months ago. And you are "in" a relationship with someone else.

 

Do you really think that because she hasn't done some administrative task on an account that she rarely looks at --- that translates into "if she didn't want to hear from me she would have blocked me". You are not bitter --- you are in denial. And not really being fair to the new chick.

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Because you are clearly still emotionally invested in your ex.....will she read it, will she reply, if she wanted to block me she could have, I don't think she is seeing anyone. And the reason you can here to post is because you sent her a bday text and the action and lack of reply to date and sent you into an anxiety based tail spin.

 

If the guy I was dating was that emotionally invested in his ex, I would be very concerned.

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I broke up with her, but she agreed we weren't working out so it was mutual. There really wasn't a reason why there should be any hard feelings toward each other. She's not seeing anyone seriously and I know it because mutual friends always tell me so (even though I don't inquire).

 

It's not like I told her I wanted her back. I simply said, "Happy birthday." How am I being unfair? How can I control my emotions? They simply went off. It would be unfair if I were deliberately wanting to want my ex. It wasn't like I was expecting all of this.

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My ex and I broke up less than two weeks before her birthday. We had an aboard trip plan(that I loss $1,000 on) during her birthday weekend. She was very immature about our breakup and did not reply when I contacted her regarding re-imbursment about my money. Basically, if she had confirmed we were canceling the trip I would've re-couped some of the $1,000 I sent to take us abroad.

 

Nonetheless, I was still tempted to contact her on her birthday. Even though her being immature and nasty to me should've made me not want to I still did because I pride myself on always being the bigger person. However, I fought the urge and I was thankful for it.

 

All that said, it was a bad idea to contact her on her birthday. Being FB friends doesn't mean you're still cordial enough to talk on special occasions. It will be interesting to see if she does reply. If she doesn't it shouldn't be skin off your nose because you're with someone new and have convinced yourself that you're over her.

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I broke up with her, but she agreed we weren't working out so it was mutual. There really wasn't a reason why there should be any hard feelings toward each other. She's not seeing anyone seriously and I know it because mutual friends always tell me so (even though I don't inquire).

 

It's not like I told her I wanted her back. I simply said, "Happy birthday." How am I being unfair? How can I control my emotions? They simply went off. It would be unfair if I were deliberately wanting to want my ex. It wasn't like I was expecting all of this.

 

Thats why it's best to let sleeping dogs lie. It does seem like you moved on with the new girl before you were over the ex. If you actually care about the new girl, block all means of social contact with the ex. If you don't it means you still hope for contact and are just using the new girl to get over the ex.

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Don't worry about sending her the Bday message. Of course it would have been better not to send it but you can't take that back now. What you don't want to do is reach out to her if you don't get a response. I wouldn't even respond if she does send something back. So many people start panicking and send another email, text or whatever and only make it worse.

 

Your in a relationship and not over your ex. Time to let this girl go if you can't give her 100%.

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Yeah I definitely won't be stressing over if she doesn't reply. The anxiety is getting better now that I sort of let the feelings out and I've stopped checking compulsively.

 

I don't think it'd be appropriate to break up with the girl over this. I think it was just a momentary over-reaction but I do really like her a lot more than the ex. The ex was just emotionally draining so I still feel like her puppet.

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You need to let your ex go. Sure it was a mutual break up but you are with someone now. Why contact her at all? What are you trying to accomplish?

From your side, it may be to "clear the air" and trying to be on friendly terms with her only because you are with someone, but have you thought about how it is affecting her? She has mostly moved on 90% or so and don't want anything setting her back. Do you think she wants to see your facebook profile with your new girl? You both need to let each other go, you with the new girl and she will meet someone too eventually.

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I just crossed this hurdle a few months ago. I was still wrapped up in my ex and was sooo close to sending a bday message. But decided last minute to say F her she lost that coming from me when she broke up with me. But since you did send it already just go back to nc and erase that whole message from the memory bank, pretend like it never happened. You got a new chick so put your effort into her. Next time something like this comes up just be alpha about it and send NOTHING. Trust me it feels better to just blow her off, almost let me get some of my pride back by not letting her know that I was thinking about her. And same with the next ex, once they break it off it's their fault if they wanted you in their life they wouldn't of dumped you.

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