Dating many people at once, need help!

[thebluest]

I've always been a relationship girl (I've been in 3 relationships > 1 year) and have never really 'casually' dated. I joined an online dating site a month ago, and I've met 4 guys since (soon to be 5 or 6 guys this week). I've met one of the guys twice, and the other three just once, so they're all very much in their early stages. As far as I know, all the guys would like to meet me again, and I'd like to see them again in a different context. I feel like I have experience in relationships, and I'm looking for just the right person to have a long-term meaningful relationship with, but I have very little experience in dating so I'm getting a little confused about how I feel at the moment.

 

I know people around the world do this simultaneous/non-exclusive/casual dating thing as the norm, but this is my first time and it feels pretty strange to me at the moment - I'm sorry if my post contains really 'duh' comments to the rest of you, but I'm just trying to wrap my head around it! I think dating many people and the fact that I've met them online, changes how dating feels. It feels more competitive, it feels more superficial to me, and it makes it even less clearer than normal how I feel about someone.

 

I'm enjoying the attention I'm receiving - I love meeting new people, getting to know them, and I enjoy the social interaction (making people laugh, entertaining them, impressing them with my wit and charm But at the end of the day, I know what I really want is the attention of one really special person. I really want that, and I'm someone with a lot to give.

 

Because I have an organised mind, I'm automatically summarising these people up in a couple of sentences (with positives and negatives):

1. Guy A - quirky off-kilter personality (confusing and weird at times), lovely eyes, not a very stable career for someone 8 years older than me, lives at home. Likes me a great deal, and worries slightly about the other guys I'm dating.
   
2. Guy B - very attractive (an especially kind face), assertive, adventurous, social, maybe slightly aggressive or arrogant (or maybe trying too hard to impress). Made a lot of effort on the first date and called/texted for a few days after, seems to want a 2nd date but doesn't seem as keen since (maybe really busy, but maybe seeing someone else and lost interest - confusing).
   
3. Guy C - gorgeous eyes and smile, not my ideal body type (shorter and slimmer, but not unattractively so), very intelligent, similar views and ideology, great conversationalist. After date expressed interest, but hasn't yet contacted me again 3 days post-date.
   
4. Guy D - someone immature but honest, competitive, dieting/fitness fanatic, not impressive in career but ambitious to move up, may have feelings for his 'first love' still, kinetic/sexual chemistry possible. Expresses interest in the sense of wanting to compete for me.
   

 

I would never normally have a list like this with black and white statements if I was dating one person. The fact that I'm dating many makes me want to make these statements to 'remember' who is who. It's a bit shocking to me to be honest. I'm thinking really childish thoughts like 'If only someone who attracts me like Guy B, thinks and talks like Guy C, dates like Guy D and likes me as much as Guy A' I'd have someone I really want. I feel a bit foolish for thinking this way, but I think it's a product of this online multi-dating experience - it's like speed dating with only a bit more guidance, and it's making me feel like a less genuine character.

 

I'm sitting here thinking: I connect with Guy A through humour, Guy B through physical attraction, Guy C through his mind, and Guy D through chemical/biological attraction. WHICH is more important to me?! And which is the least important. Trying to import some kind of rational thinking process into this.

 

What it has helped me with is that I feel less invested with any one person - normally, I'm someone who pours herself into making relationships work, and here, where my time is taken up by more people, I feel only invested for the time I see them. I don't even want to think whether this is a good or bad thing.

 

And I'm about to meet 2 other guys as well - I don't know how I'm going to handle this. I wonder if the next person I'll meet I'll just click with immediately. Dating feels unnatural to me in part because all my past relationships have very naturally evolved - we spent a lot of time together naturally, didn't have to make plans to meet, and fell in love with each other at the same pace. In contrast, this type of dating feels shallow and very unromantic. Should I just stop meeting people? Should I keep seeing each one (it's pretty early stages)?

[meoww]

sounds like fun! it doesn't seem like you're very invested so my suggestion is to just go with it. Things can 'evolve' the way you're talking about, instead of the medium being work or school or friends, it happens to be the dating site. At this point I assume you haven't crossed any sexual lines with anyone so it's really just hanging out.

[In the Dark]

If you do not feel anything is wrong with dating multiple people then this should not be a question for you.

 

Why didn't you do this kind of thing before?

Did it make you feel bad in some way?

Some sort of moral issue?

[thebluest]

sounds like fun! it doesn't seem like you're very invested so my suggestion is to just go with it. Things can 'evolve' the way you're talking about, instead of the medium being work or school or friends, it happens to be the dating site. At this point I assume you haven't crossed any sexual lines with anyone so it's really just hanging out.

 

It's just hanging out, that's right. But I hope it doesn't stay that way - I'm really looking to invest in the right partner basically. Eventually. And I don't know if the experience of dating many people at once is counter-productive to that! I know most people 'date' like this, but I don't know if there's a trick or a particular skill in it that I'm just lacking!

[thebluest]

If you do not feel anything is wrong with dating multiple people then this should not be a question for you.

 

Why didn't you do this kind of thing before?

Did it make you feel bad in some way?

Some sort of moral issue?

 

I didn't date more than one person before because I was always in a situation where a relationship developed gradually. I found it more sweet it in a way to not go through the dating game, but two people slowly falling for each other.

 

I think I've always been lucky in relationships - I just found my way into them without trying. But dating feels really constructed in contrast, and it makes me wonder if i can really find someone this way. If I'm dating lots of people at once, is it giving me a chance to develop a real relationship with any one? Or am I just maintaining superficial relationships with people who are near strangers to me.

 

Not a moral issue - perhaps just whether dating this way is compatible with the goal of finding someone in a genuine way to be with.