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Best way to retain dignity?


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I met a guy four weeks ago, he's very very nice. I'm 22 he's 29. He split with his ex in February, same as me. He has a child with his ex. Last night, we got these text exchanges:


He text me yesterday saying:


I have a feeling i may have started something with u that i am not going to b able to commit too. Just finding it hard to weight things up. I dont want to bed u and then realise that i am taking on too much as thats not going to b fair on u. I will bell u when u finish work .x


So I said something like sorry you feel that way, I told you you were too good to be trying (trying to make light of it) and told him to take care. He replied:


Lol too good to b true. I have never herd that before. I just think i have so so much on my plate at the mo. With the constant battle i have with my ex. My hours are going to b really unsocial at work coming up to xmas. I dont think its fair on u for this to b on my terms. Ur am amazing person who i really dont want to hurt, so thought before we take this too the next stage knowing how i was feeling. It would b best to let u know and b honest. I dont think i am ready for a relationship yet until i sort my life out. Hope we will still stay in touch tho as i still really have strong feelings for u. Ps dont want to call u as i feel like a c*nt (to b blunt). I hope ur ok


So I told him I didn't want to rush into anything either and that time with his daughter and working hours are not things I'd hold against him. I text a few hours later saying hope you're ok. He said:


Not really. Going on a bender as there i have had enough and need to let off some steam. Really nothing against u babe i just get like this when i have a lot to deal with thats all. Hope ur ok xoxox


I said:


I just want you to know that I'm an understanding person. I may not be a beautiful person on the outside, but I am on the inside and it's taken me a long time to learn that. I'm not ever gonna be * * * * * ty with you about work, or time with your daughter. That's life. Life happens. I'll put myself on the line this once, because you're special, but I won't again as doing that for so long with my ex led to me breaking down. I'm here if you want me to be here, if you want to take things extremely slow, do what we've been doing, little lunches, cinema trips etc. Nothing serious has to happen before either of us are ready for it. If you want to take it slow, just tell me yes. If you text back saying no, I'll respect your decision and walk away xxx


He said:


1st of all dont u ever say ur not beautiful. Coz u are! X. Hence y i can never keep my hands off u when we are out! I dont want to decide anything at this point as i have been drinking. I know for a fact i would never want to lose contact with u as u really have put a smile on my face for the past few weeks. Xoxoxo.


Then I said so I assume I'm cancelling my annual leave (we have tomorrow and Wednesday booked off) and he said no babe, keep it booked off, we'll do something.


I then told him to reply to my message earlier about taking it slow or walking away once he's sober and he said:


Ur putting pressure on me by sending a text like that babe. I like u a lot and dont want too end what we have. But with other things that are going on that u dont know about its really hard for me to committ to a relationship. I am out with rob this evening lo just talk and then i will go from there. On that note i will talk to u tomorrow x


Christ knows! If he doesn't get in touch by this afternoon, I'm cancelling my leave and saying goodnight. He may be absolutely gorgeous and have made me very happy recently, but I'm not about to get in to another round of playing yoyo with my feelings. . . . . . . . . . .



Now, he's a very nice guy and I'd like something to happen, but I'm also not willing to be messed about as I was with my ex.


Any advice guys?


Thanks in advance.

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Keep seeing him casually but don't sleep with him and make it clear to him you're seeing other men. Then actually SEE OTHER MEN. If he's really not sure (which isn't his fault) then you hanging about waiting isn't going to help him decide. The very real fact of you getting snapped up by someone else might help concentrate his mind a bit though. If he's playing you - then having other options will help you to keep your cool with him. And who knows - you might just find someone better.

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Good advice. Thank you!


He's just e-mailed saying:


we will have to do something tomorrow as i have my daughter this evening. ps i think its best that i tell you. at this moment it time i am only looking for a good friend. just to set the record. i really dont want to lead you on. ur an amazing person babe and i am not saying nothing will come of it, i am just saying i just need a friend for a while until i am able to give you the attention you deserve. i really hope this is ok and that we will still talk everyday or everyother day. xx. just got to head out for a min babe and will e-mail you when i get back xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox



You're right though, I am willing to be his friend, see where things go, and certainly not drop my panties, but see other people if other people come along!


Thank you xx

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Don't just see other people if they come along. ACTIVELY force yourself to date. It will help keep the pressure off this 'thing' with him. If you seem to be hanging around waiting for him, where is the impetus for him to man up? And make it very clear to him that you're going to keep looking for love elsewhere.

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I would recommend stepping way back from this guy, and possibly actually going out of contact with him for a few months, and then seeing how you feel about resuming a friendship at that time. That will allow your feelings for him to cool a bit more, and will help you focus on dating others who are more available to you. Otherwise, it seems like a hurry-up-and-wait kind of deal...and if you keep seeing him casually, you may end up developing stronger feelings and an attachment which will be hard to break further down the line.


Think of it this way -- if there's a solid base for a friendship (or more), it'll still be there in a few months. And at that point, he'll have had more time to sort himself out (or not), AND he'll have had time away from you to miss you.


I've been in a slightly similar situation, and it ended up feeling like it was a GREAT deal for the guy (he gets to put me on "hold"), and not so great for me (I ended up feeling like a Plan B, even though I thought I could handle it).

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He's not that interested and has pretty much said that. If you want to be FWB I'm sure he'd go for that but he's commiting nothing right now and probably won't in the future either. If there was a real connection he'd make it work. You're in the good enough for a fling category but not relationship material. If you want a friend thats one thing but anything more isn't going to happen.

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Eoc - it's him that's chased me. Him who told me on Saturday he was falling in love with me and is scared by his feelings, not me. And he also said he doesn't want to sleep with me to realise later that he can't commit or whatever, so highly doubt it's fwb. I have far too much respect for myself to indulge in that.


Thanks for your input guys and girls. I think I'm just gonna leave it where it is now. Think about me for once.

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