i need advice on advice....

[dan10]

so every so often i give my friends advice like dont date this person or dont go there or whatever stuff like that. well most of the time my friends decide they do not want to listen to me and then poop hits the fan and everyone involved develops depression or they get really angry and in fights or whatever but it ends badly most of the time when they dont listen to me. now i'm starting to get tired of it. i found out today that again my friend dated a guy i told her not to and they just got in a huge fight so now i'm going to have to spend the night comforting her because she wouldnt listen to me in the beginning.

 

so should i just stop giving advice to my friends because they dont listen anyways and then just emotionally distance myself from them so i dont have to deal with their drama that they are causing? or should i just keep giving advice and being there for them when they screw up over and over because they wont listen to me?

 

and i need to be able to get this decision made quickly because i have run out of my depression medication and i wont get more for probably another 10 days so if i cant find some way to make peace with this i am going to flip out probably get very angry alot and get very depressed. i dont wanna get depressed again

[indea08]

Give them your advice, but they're still going to make their mistakes. That's how people learn. If you don't feel like hearing them cry about whatever went wrong (because I don't blame you for being annoyed) then don't listen... just say "maybe next time you'll trust my advice". But also put yourself in their shoes..have you ever gotten advice that you knew was probably right, but you just had to find out for yourself?

[catfeeder]

Outside of these boards, I never give advice. I listen to the problem then ask what they want to do about it. Then they've given themselves their own advice. If they aren't really interested in problem solving but just want to hear themselves complain, I ask what I can do to help, and if this doesn't switch them into thinking about solving anything, I just find a reason to get out of the convo and tell them to let me know if there's anything I can do to help.

 

Very few people listen to advice that comes from someone else. So instead of telling them what I know, I just ask questions to get them to say what they want to do to solve their problem. My rule of thumb: if I say it, I know it--but if they say it, then THEY know it. Then it's their own idea, and I'm not the one to blame for any fallout--and I don't need to say I told you so.

[LDRohnos]

I give someone advice once on an issue. If they don't listen that's the last bit of advice they get.

[dan10]

its not so much when they ask for advice. its when i see them doing something that is going to end badly in a month or 2 and they just cant see it. thats the stuff they ignore. everyone goes to another friend when they ask for advice

[RelaxByWater84]

Is the advice solicited or unsolicited?? That makes a difference for me. Also, some of us have to learn the hard way. I have to get burned before I will listen to advice. If you give unsolicited advice you sound like their parent instead of friend.

[catfeeder]

its not so much when they ask for advice. its when i see them doing something that is going to end badly in a month or 2 and they just cant see it. thats the stuff they ignore. everyone goes to another friend when they ask for advice

 

Experiences are how people learn. You can't deprive anyone of an experience they're determined to have, good or bad, so I'd relinquish the attempt to control people. Unless this experience is one -you- need to have in order to learn.

[dan10]

They don't listen to you but they listen to someone else. Well either it's either the way you're delivering it or else you lack credibility in their eyes.

 

From what you posted here I think it's how you say it. If you say "don't date this person" or "don't do that", well that's not advice it's more like a command and people will rebel against being told what to do. If you say, she might not be a good fit for you and here's why.. well then you've given them information they might possibly be able to use to make an educated choice and your conscience is clear because you made them aware of your concerns.

 

i promise it is the way i say it. i am very blunt and honest and i pride myself on it. most people cant handle the truth without a good thick layer of sugar coating all around it

 

Experiences are how people learn. You can't deprive anyone of an experience they're determined to have, good or bad, so I'd relinquish the attempt to control people. Unless this experience is one -you- need to have in order to learn.

 

no this is an experience i wish i had never had. i found out last night that 2 of my "friends" are bad people. like i'm not even going to dignify them with anything better then that. they are self-centered and dont actually know how to be decent human beings. so now the only advice i am giving to the guy is stay the heck away from me or i will beat you down. and for the girl my advice is dont talk to me when i calm down (if i decide that you are worth any of my time) i will contact you.

 

other then that i'm done giving advice to people who dont ask for it. and if anyone does ask for advice my response will be "are you going to listen to it or are you going to let me tell you the advice and then blatantly ignore it?" and if i watch everything blow up in their face because they said they would listen and didnt then i will no longer give that person advice. so if anyone wants some ask me now before i quit giving it period.

[catfeeder]

Advice is not about controlling people, it's an opinion. Everyone is entitled to weigh all the advice they get and then make their own choices. Most people don't welcome advice unless they ask for it, an even then, this doesn't obligate them to follow it.

 

As I said, I don't give advice outside of these boards. I respect the right of everyone to make a mess--it's the best teacher. I don't respect deliberate intentions to cause another harm, but I also screen my own playing field well enough to avoid the position of hearing such intentions in the first place.

 

We get to choose our friends carefully, and that's our private responsibility. We don't get to police the people we select, and if I could change one thing about my own past for a more peaceful and fulfilled life, I would have learned that sooner.

[dan10]

That's true. Which is why, if you want people to listen to your advice you need to tone it down a bit so they'll be a bit more receptive rather than getting all defensive because you're being too blunt and they just aren't prepared for that level of honesty.

 

i know that people would be more responsive if i toned it down a bit. but i really took the golden rule to heart when my parents told me to treat others the way i want to be treated. and then when i read about that guy who said "be the change you want to see in the world" .....hopefully there is something to those and thats what i do. i want people to be blunt and brutally honest with me so that is how i am with everyone else.

 

 

 

It's not that black and white, people are not "good" or "bad" but there sure are extremes with most people somewhere in the middle. I'll go so far as to agree with you that at one extreme you've got people who give most of their time to volunteer and help out the needy while at the other end you've got psychopathic serial killers and they could be labeled as "good" and "bad" without any argument from me.

 

they convinced me they were (however i did forgive the girl because she apologized) but i am still convinced that he is just simply a bad person deep down inside. and if you would like to know why i'll tell you in a pm but it is off topic.

 

 

 

Telling a guy to leave you alone or you'll beat him up (or down) isn't advice it's a warning or a threat. Telling a girl that "when you calm down you just might contact her but to leave you alone until you do" isn't advice either, and it's not going to accomplish anything useful.

 

well... it worked with her and i havent had contact with him since so.... i kinda think it did work and was useful.

 

 

How can you expect someone to take your advice if they don't know what it's going to be? What if they think it's really bad advice, are they somehow obligated to follow it just because you went through the effort to provide it? You seem to think so.

 

if they think it is bad advice then they need a reason to think that way, and if they have a reason that i didnt know about i would change my advice because the scenario is different.

 

 

 

No thanks.

 

haha ok