Am I getting the msg across?

[KrisAL]

I've been contemplating divorce for about 4 months now. Let me just say if I didn't have 2 young kids to think of I would be divorced. However, I do have kids to think about so if there is a way to fix this I will try it. I've told my husband that if things didn't change we will be getting a divorce, in those EXACT words. I've also suggested a separation but nothing from him. He will ask me what we can do to fix this and I said counseling is something we need and he said too expensive and maybe my problem is I am bored and I'm trying to blame that on something and our marriage is my target. He is completely in denial or something? I don't know what else to say to make him realize that I am serious other than following through with it and unfortunately I can't feasibly do that yet and even so I'm not using divorce as a scare tactic b/c if/when I leave it's for good. Anyways my question is am I saying the right things to get him to know how I am feeling and he is just not wanting to hear it or do I need to be doing something else?

[Moontiger]

Could you give more information about the issues you are having in your marriage?What exactly are the problems?

[quantumst8]

Way too vague...all that tells me is you have problems in your marriage. Can't really give advice without more specifics.

[KrisAL]

Oops, sorry. Our issues are money and time being spent together etc. He will do anything for money, he is always busy working extra hrs, working side jobs b/c if we don't have money in our savings acct he feels stressed. I want to get a job but it would be too much for 2 kids in daycare. I don't necessarily mind him working all the time but just once in a while skip a day to spend time with his family. The other issue is I feel a little controlled by him, doesn't want me to work (stay home with the kids), gets really defensive if I don't agree with him with certain things and sort of tells me what I should and shouldn't do. For instance my parents bought me a tattoo for my bday and I chose to have it on the inside of my ankle, he was very against that and said it's unprofessional and he kept on saying that I was addicted to tattoos (I have4), basically trying to make me feel bad for what I did. I feel like maybe he's changing or maybe I'm just not so accepting of this behavior as I once was 9 years ago.

[Mesemene]

He will do anything for money, he is always busy working extra hrs, working side jobs b/c if we don't have money in our savings acct he feels stressed.

And

I don't necessarily mind him working all the time but just once in a while skip a day to spend time with his family.

Makes me think maybe his long hours have done similar to what happens to a lot of travelling businessmen/women and military families - without a lot of effort, you end up growing separately, rather than as a unit.

 

Is there possibly a compromise there that would be acceptable to both of you? Maybe set aside one evening a week he wouldn't do those side and extra jobs and have family dinner time and an evening for you two to talk about your week and what the weekend looks like? Doesn't have to be expensive or any extra expense to worry him, and might give you a bit of time to reconnect.

 

The tat - I have to wonder if he was maybe thinking there was something more practical HE would have rather you had - if he really want you at home, "unprofessional" strikes me as either 1) he's used to thinking that way because of how he lives, working constantly, or 2) a more acceptable reason than bringing up the cost vs benefit to you.

 

How realistic are his money concerns? Are you living paycheck to paycheck, have a lot of debt, or seem to incur a lot of expenses that aren't expected?

 

There are financial planning worksheets you can do from home that cost nothing to track where it all goes, and see if there's any areas to cut some corners. Not sure if that would help or not, but sometimes it's amazing to see where the little things eat away at spendable income. Might help with the out of control feeling he seems to have when it comes to money.