miscommunication, or...? And other advice

[eupf]

Alright I will do my best to keep this reasonably concise, but this is something I feel I need to provide some context for.

 

This summer, I met a girl at a field course for college. We were placed in the same 'team' and started flirting and talking to each other, going on hikes after work for the day was done, etc. After about a week and half, though, I found out through overheard conversation that she was engaged, and became (a little justifiably I think) somewhat annoyed with her, blew her off for the hike we had planned for the evening, avoided her, etc. She approached me later, and asked me what was wrong, I told her what was bothering me. She apologized for not being upfront about this, explaining that she had realized recently that she did not want to get married to this guy, and that she already was thinking of them as broken up. I listened to all this, explained that I was just annoyed because I felt she should have told me sooner, but that I was very attracted to her. She told me that she was attracted to me too, and we ended up making out.

 

So, over the next couple weeks, we spent quite a bit of time together, and ended up having sex a few times, I spent a few nights with her where she was staying, and when the course came to and end, we both expressed a desire to stay in touch: she lives about 1000 miles from me.

 

Now here's where I think it starts to get complicated: we never talked at all about what 'seeing each other' again really meant, and now I'm not sure how things really are between us. She contacted me the day she got back, saying that she is really glad to have met, and she would like to stay in touch, as well as saying that she had ended it with her boyfriend.

 

Since then she has contacted me (about 75% of the time she initiates contact) pretty frequently, saying she misses me, wishing I could be there, jokingly inviting me to come see her for 21st birthday (obviously knowing that I can't right now. Oh and I'm 27 btw) and that I was her 'birthday wish'. She has told me she plans to come out next summer, or earlier if possible. I sent her some photos and some music for her birthday, told her I wish I could be there.

 

So, I think that I can be forgiven if to this point I assumed there was mutual desire here for more than just friendship, right? Even if neither of us has explicitly said as much.

 

However, this last two weeks there was a miscommunication or something. I had tried to call her, and she didn't pick up, but sent an email a day or so later saying sorry, but she had been busy. I sent her an email that led with a (really terrible, which I have apologized for) joke about maybe being too busy drinking beer (hey, she just turned 21 it was a somewhat reasonable joke, right?). So, she sends this back:

I am a full time student

work 30 hours or more a week

go out on weekends

and I am starting to see someone

---so this all takes up time. even though I am sure I could use less partying and more time to study and do classwork.

 

Obviously, the only part of this I really see is the 'see someone'. I take this to mean 'I don't really have time for you/have interest in you' or something intended to hurt in any case. So, I responded with something like, "I'm not sure why my joke would provoke hostility. Good to see how things really are, though", assumed that was that, and haven't talked to her for a couple weeks.

 

The other day though, she emails me asking what is wrong. I emailed her this:

 

Well, to be honest ______, after the last (mis?)communication, I took it to mean “I’m too busy seeing somebody and doing other stuff to talk to you” and I thought oh well, it then, lesson learned I guess. (part of which is ‘don’t make jokes.’ Still haven’t learned that one. Sorry.)

 

And look, I’m not naïve enough to think that you wouldn’t start seeing somebody. Maybe there was a better way to say that, though? Rather than drop that in the middle of a list of things you’re doing.

 

I don’t know. It’s mostly just… timing I guess. The info I was going to tell you about was that I was going to be coming through ______ around New years.

 

She responded a few hours later saying 'she hadn't intended to be mean, or call me naive' and that it would be nice if came to see her.

 

I really don't know how to feel about all this...I never wanted or assumed anything about a long distance relationship or anything, so it's not the fact that she is seeing someone that upset me so much as the way she told me (although I can't lie, I do feel a pang of jealousy even if I really have no right to). It seems to me that one wouldn't do that to someone who they knew wanted more than just friendship...then again I have zero experience with being 'just friends' with a girl I've slept with.

 

So, I dont know what to do now, or how to respond to all of this. I think my feelings have become kind of convoluted. I find myself wondering if she feels anything similar about me that I do about her. She did just turn 21, and ended a relationship with someone she is engaged to only about two months ago. I might not like it much, but it is probably unsurprising that she is seeing someone. How would you feel in my position? Am I being used by her? Am I overthinking everything, as I have a tendency to do?

 

Assuming that her seeing someone is something that is ultimately just her 'on a rebound' or otherwise meaningless, is now the time show my hand, unequivocally? Right now I feel I am leaning towards this the most. I am thinking of emailing her this:

 

I believe you that you weren’t trying to be hurtful or anything, but maybe you can see where I’m coming from? It just seemed like there was a better way to say that, especially to someone who is interested in more than just friendship with you. I don’t mean to presume anything here, but I got the feeling that you were interested in more than being just friends as well, which is another reason why I didn’t know how to take it.

 

Hopefully I’m not saying too much here, or anything that will change the friendship between us, because I really don’t want that to happen. But I feel that I should be open about this, and that maybe that’s what led to the miscommunication: neither of us have been completely clear about what we want here. I think that I would regret it if I wasn’t completely honest about this…

 

I feel that from our fairly brief time together over the summer that you are a really incredible person, and would really like the opportunity to spend more time with you, get to know you more, and see where things go from there. I realize that this doesn’t mean much right now, with the distance between us, but it’s just something that I have a definite desire for in the future.

 

In the meantime, I hope that we will continue to be good friends and stay in touch. I don’t think I’ll still be able to stop in Bloomington. I said I’d be going through, but I should have said going over. The plane tickets are pretty much already bought…

 

p.s. I can make jokes. They might be really terrible jokes, but that doesn’t seem to stop me from making them…

 

 

Good idea, or bad? Send this, or something else? Or nothing?

 

 

Sorry for lying about keeping this concise. If you indulged me and read everything, please lend some advice. I really appreciate it.

[indea08]

I'd say let it go....relationships hardly ever workout. 80% of US marriages end in divorce....let alone a long distance relationship. It's just too hard to be with someone that you can't lay around with and watch tv, or go to dinner with. If an opportunity, such as another summer class, presents itself, then concern yourself with all of this. Otherwise, you will meet the right girl in the right situation and it won't be so complex and difficult.

[eupf]

yeah, I hear you.

 

But I really am not that interested in a long distance thing right now. An actual relationship is something I want to pursue with her in the future. I'm doing my best to remain somewhat emotionally detached from her for now, but it's hard because I don't meet people that interest me like she does very often, never mind girls that I'm really attracted to that interest me like she does.

 

I am just conflicted on how to express this to her, and whether I should send that email. I definitely feel I should send some kind of communication to her...

[Betweenthebars]

I'd say let it go....relationships hardly ever workout .

 

So, because of that, no one should ever risk getting into relationships? Even if people almost always break up, it's better to have been in relationships, so you can learn and grow and experience life.

 

Now,OP, I think she overreacted and the way she announced her potential boyfriend was in a rude, defensive way. It was a harmless joke... I think you need to give her time to grow up and mature. In the mean time, why not find someone closer to you, who isn't as busy?

[eupf]

so that's two votes so far for 'just move on', and I'm guessing by extension 'no' to sending that email.

 

I think that I knew that this would be the best thing for me, but just don't want to admit it to myself. It just sucks meeting someone you're attracted to, but knowing it probably work out, you know? Plus where I live is fricking terrible when it comes to meeting people.

 

I still feel I should send at least one last message to her, although I have no idea what to say to her now...I really don't want have this end by just never speaking to her again. That's pretty much how my ex did me, and that really hurt at the time. Regardless of whether she even really feels anything for me, I think that is the better thing to do.

 

Also, I keep thinking that maybe I would like to at least stay friends, even if at the same time I know that it might be hard doing so if I want more than that.

 

ugghhh...just so confused right now.

[sidehop]

Let her go honestly; not only she's far away, what makes this situation worse for both of you is the fact that she was engaged and clearly just not ready to commit to anyone.

[eupf]

okay so I'm definitely sold on moving on, but I still don't really know what this really entails. What should I say to her? Should there be no more contact at all between us, or just very little?

 

Is being friends with her a bad idea at this point?

[sidehop]

Depends, can you handle being friends with her without any emotional attachment? If not I would let her go completely and start no contact.