Girlfriend feels different about our relationship - "stuck in a rut"

[oasisrob22]

Hey all,

 

Good to be back on these forums. Used to spend a majority of my time on here lurking and posting in the Healing After Breakup/Getting Back Together forums. I come to the wise people here with a different topic.

 

My girlfriend and I have been together for about three months now. We dated the first time for 7 months back in 2010, a relationship that ended previously because I would get verbally abusive when drunk and it got to be a deal-breaking problem, understandably so. We didn't talk for 6 months after that -- while I went and worked on my drinking problem and went to a counselor and finished up my degree, she found a new boyfriend and was together with him for several months before breaking up with him because she wasn't happy.

 

We ended up starting to talk again and ironing out our differences. We had several good conversations and we gradually started hanging out again this past spring. It soon developed into strong, renewed feelings coming back on both of our ends. We both admitted that we thought about each other consistently when we were apart for those 6 months...and we decided to go ahead and try again. I know that she is the girl that I see myself marrying down the road, so I was fully committed to making it work the second time around.

 

We had a serious talk about two weeks ago where she thought that we were getting too comfortable and that I wasn't putting in enough effort during the week. She is still in college, while I work 40+ hours at my job during the week. Since we had our serious discussion, I've been putting in more effort and giving her more attention.

 

Unfortunately, it hasn't really translated into our relationship improving. We were driving home today from spending a weekend together out of our town, and she brought up the fact that our relationship is now "different". She says that she knows she wants to be with me, but we don't hold hands and kiss nearly as much as we used to. She said that she feels like we're best friends and that she loves me so much, but right now she doesn't feel as if I'm her "boyfriend". She feels like she is stuck in a rut and she just wants the relationship to be romantic and fun and very loving like it used to be.

 

She ended the conversation saying that she doesn't want to make any decisions to suddenly break up or take a break, and she also cited her commitment to us. She just didn't know if she was going through a growing phase in her life or what.

 

ENA folks, how can I move forward from this and try to strengthen our relationship? Does it just take time to show someone that you're putting in more of an effort? Is this relationship coming to an inevitable end?

[oasisrob22]

Anyone? Sorry guys, I am just somewhat anxious and scared tonight of the potential of this relationship failing again.

[somethngwrng]

Sounds like maybe the honeymoon phase is just over? Has she been in any long term relationships before where she would've experienced the honeymoon phase burning out?

 

In regards to her complaining that the relationship doesn't feel "romantic" anymore, what are you putting in to change that? What is she putting in? You both have to put in to the relationship, she can't place everything on you.

[oasisrob22]

Thanks for your response, somethngwrng.

 

I agree when I think that the honeymoon phase is over, especially because we already had a honeymoon phase the first time we dated.

 

I am trying to be more attentive to her while I'm at work. I used to let her texts sit for hours at work because I would get caught up in my workload and forget to respond back. After work, I would just kinda sit around with her and be too tired to do much of anything.

 

The last 2 weeks I've made it a point to call her at least once on my breaks and be able to text back a bit more during the day, and she's already mentioned that she has noticed the increase in effort and that she appreciates me putting forth more effort.

 

As far as her relationship track record goes (keep in mind she's only 21):

- Dated that guy for 6 months last year which she admitted to me was a rebound

- Dated me the first time around for 6/7 months

- Dated another guy two years ago for a few months, nothing big

- Dated her first serious boyfriend in high school in an on/off 2-year relationship

 

I'm trying to make it more romantic by just making it more fun. Going places on weekends, doing a lunch date with her once a week during the week, and doing fun things in the evenings (going for a walk, going to see a movie, getting ice cream, going out for a drink with friends) etc. etc.

[symbiot]

She's only 21. That is a huge hurdle. Girls of that age have no idea what they want and to add addiction to the recipe dose not help. Work on yourself. That is the best thing for you.

[oasisrob22]

symbiot - Thanks for your advice. To sum up, are you saying I should just continue to work on bettering myself and not even worry about it?

[symbiot]

Yes that is exactly what I'm saying. You have to be the best version of yourself that you can be. She is too young to have any idea what she wants. There Re a few who do but not many. Get yourself straight. Focus on yourself and become the man you were meant to be and youbwill attract her and everyone else you could ever imagine into your life!

[quirky]

I think sometimes when people are very open about their feelings to each other, some of the 'mystery' goes away. Also when you're apart from someone everything is exaggerated, through rose tinted glasses the ex becomes more fun, more attractive, more special than they even were. And all she is facing now is reality. Maybe it's that..

[pl3asehelp]

She sounds like a kid because she is. You're expecting that she'll behave like an adult, which isn't going to happen. She expects you and relationships in general to be her entertainment, which is unrealistic. Like everyone has said, she thinks the honeymoon lasts forever. Sadly the only option when someone like this is in a relationship is to end it. Eventually she will learn that the problem is her expectations, but that could take another 10 years.