He wants to meet up...

[Faith276]

Now suddenly I feel ill and worried? Anyone else felt like this?

 

He has been very keen to meet up, is unable to keep NC and keeps dropping hints about getting back together and wanting to talk about us when we meet up.

 

The bad thing is, if he hadn't broken up with me, I wouldn't have questioned our relationship or if he was the right guy for me - now that he has, I am. I love him, he is my best friend, but he has made some bad choices and shown me that he isn't able to shoulder responsibility. My particular worry is how unable to cope he was with a pregnancy scare, as it happened when he was very depressed. I'm feeling so ill because I don't want to make a mistake by getting back together with him - or not getting back together with him. I love him so much but he hurt me really badly and I don't want to be with someone who can't/won't support me when I really need them.

 

I literally have no-one to talk to about this - I've talked to my mum a bit but my family all hate him because of how he kept asking for time to himself and then dumped me. I just don't know what to do. I want to talk to him about it and tell him that I need someone who can take responsibility for themselves and if he feels ill then he needs to be able to take responsibility for that and go to the doctors - not just assume I am the problem! I don't know that if I told him that, he would work on it. I think he would try.

 

Just thinking about how alone I felt makes me want to just leave it and move on. He is my first partner and we wanted to spend our lives together - he still does, from what he says. I'm just so confused, I can't seem to figure out what I want. Part of me thinks that meeting up will tell me. Another part says that I should not meet up with him or lead him into thinking that I am certain about getting back together.

 

Does anyone think that telling him how I'm feeling would help? I'd like to think that we could talk about it (and would anyway, in the process to recon, if we went that way) and that if you don't tell someone the problem, they won't work on it. I'm just so alone and upset and confused. I don't know what to do for the best.

[Flyingpiglet]

I think that if you tell him too much about how you are feeling at the moment, he will be able to manipulate things to make you sure that takiing him back is the right decision.

How long have you guys been split and has any amount of NC happened?

[Faith276]

Been split up for 3/4 weeks. I have asked him for NC to get ourselves sorted but the longest he can manage is 5 days, then a text/phone call/facebook message, then another 5 days NC. I know this is not a long amount of time, but he is not the kind of person to wait around once he has made a decision. I have not been initiation contact.

 

I just don't know what to do.

[Flyingpiglet]

I'm not sure how old you are or how long you were together but,

I'm hesitant to suggest a reconcilliation at this stage as it sounds like he would panic and leave at the first sign of a crisis in the relationship. He has had no time to work on the issues that caused the split in the first place and you have had no time to really get to grips with life without him!

 

Its still very early days of the split so, if you decide to meet, perhaps you could tell him your worries and suggest time apart and NC for you to both work on yourselves. Then start slowly dating again to see if you both feel you want to be in a relationship with the other.

[Faith276]

We are both mid-twenties and were together for two and a half years. I have already suggested NC for a time, but he won't stick to it, even though he agreed to it. I'm still not sure whether meeting up is a good idea, but the only thing I know is that I want him to get help for his issues. I don't know if telling him this face to face would help or not. He already knows that I want him to have a chat with the doctor about his depression. I know that after a few weeks it will not magically be fixed and he does need to work on these things - I have things I want to work on for myself too.

 

I just don't know whether to give up and move on or try and work on our issues with a future relationship in mind.

[Flyingpiglet]

Maybe one last meet up to lay it on the line... You need him to work on his depression or NOTHING will change in your relationship. And you deserve better than that.

 

As for NC... You say that he won't stick to it? You must be facilitating it somehow.

 

I suggest, I meet up

Lay it on the line.

Tell Him NO CONTACT for a period of time and make it happen

Block his number, his email, facebook etc

DO NOT respond if he tries to initiate contact and make it clear in the beginning that this is the way it is going to be for x amount of months.

Then after the set period, if you both still want to... Meet up, discuss, and if you both still want to... Date, and take it from there

[Hollyj]

If you're reconsidering a reconciliation, you have to discuss the problem, or you will end up in the same place.

 

Does this guy have a pattern of not dealing with responsibility? What he did was really bad, and I would seriously question moving forward with this type of person.

 

The other thing that i thought was important, is that he not respecting you request for NC. Do not accept that he can't stay away, but that he disrespecting you.

 

if I were you, I would listen to your family and friends.

[Hollyj]

Also, why are you responding when he contacts you? You are showing you are not serious about the NC.

[Faith276]

Like most dumpees I find NC very hard - I have not been initiating any contact but it has been tricky to find the willpower to ignore him completely - particularly when he wants to get back together. That is most dumpees dream! I asked him why he contacted me on facebook and he said that he thought NC was not texting or phoning, but that he could say hi if we were both online. My friends suggest that I should give him another chance, meet up and discuss the problems on both sides before thinking about recon.

 

He lives with his parents and does not have much that he is responsible for - however, he has got himself a job and onto a uni course so he is becoming more independent and able to show he is maturing/responsible. As I said, I am worried about how he would cope if we got back together- I need someone that is supportive and able to recognise when I need support - as well as to ask when they need some too. I am not sure whether to give him a chance to show he has changed/working on his issues.

 

It is just so hard and confusing.

[SudoMB]

Faith

 

 

It is very hard and confusing... and I am actually experiencing some of the same anxieties you are. I am worried that, even though we came to an agreement on somethings, we didn't really take time (she hasn't shared yet), her responsibility in the past relationship.

 

This, of course, has my anxiety kicking in, wondering if all this work I am doing is enough for her, since I'm not sure she's in a position to recognize when or how I need support. More so, that she truly would put forth the effort to do so. This of course, stems from being uncertain that she's taken the time as I have to see the flaws in the past relationship, and her role in it..

 

 

It's very hard..very confusing...but slow and steady communication, real dialogue, I think is the only course of action I have right now. I hope your situation improves!

[mhowe]

Well, he wouldn't support you through the pregnancy scare, and he won't listen to you now (saying you want to go NC for a while). I'd say this is all about him and what makes him feel good....not about you, and not about the relationship. You don't owe him a get together so he can feel good about his immature behavior. I would move on -- and tell him that.

 

 

 

We are both mid-twenties and were together for two and a half years. I have already suggested NC for a time, but he won't stick to it, even though he agreed to it. I'm still not sure whether meeting up is a good idea, but the only thing I know is that I want him to get help for his issues. I don't know if telling him this face to face would help or not. He already knows that I want him to have a chat with the doctor about his depression. I know that after a few weeks it will not magically be fixed and he does need to work on these things - I have things I want to work on for myself too.

 

I just don't know whether to give up and move on or try and work on our issues with a future relationship in mind.

[Hollyj]

he's not an idiot, he know what NC means. I think he is boundary busting and it is disrespectful!

 

By responding you are not in NC. You are also showing that your word has little meaning, and he can take advantage.