Questions about guy I went on a date with

[kimberlykimbo]

I joined a dating site, OKCupid, and have met a total of 4 guys from it so far. The first 3 I didnt feel I clicked with so never saw them after the first date. However, 4 days ago I had a date with a man and I felt more of a connection. I am seeing him again tonight. However, I have some concerns about things he said. I dont have friends I want to talk to about this stuff, so I will post them here and see what others' insight is.

 

First off, I want a long term relationship. Obviously, it takes time for dating to turn into a relationship and I understand that. It says on his profile he wants to date someone that hopefully turn into a long term relationship too. But, on our date he said that this spring he is going to go back to get his MBA on top of working full time and he will be super busy. So when he stated this, he ended with that "I should start talking to him now" Does that mean come this spring he wont want to have a girlfriend? I am in a full time Masters program so I am busy too thats why I only have dates on weekends. But, I dont say stuff like that to people.

 

He also is from Miami, 12 hour drive away from where I am now, and stated he would like to go back after a few years, but he also said he does want to see where his life here will take him. I wouldnt move to Miami, so far away from my family ever!, so I am thinking I shouldnt even think of pursuing this long term if I would want to in the future.

 

Another thing that kinda bothered me is how he told me he got out of a relationship 3 months ago with a girl he dated for almost a year. They were long distance (3.5 hours away) and she cheated on him. He said she texted him 2 weeks ago asking to get back together, and he said no but he admitted to me that he did think about it. He says he has been cheated on several times by 2 past girlfriends, and knows he should walk away but he has problems being too nice and often ends up going back.

 

Lastly, he said he doesnt date multiple people at a time because hes old school romantic and doesnt have time, but hes on the dating site where we met all the time, just about every time I log in! He does always try to talk to me when I log in though. He does have a smartphone with the dating site app so maybe thats why?

[Batya33]

It's interesting that you felt such a connection but have so many concerns about whether he's a trustworthy person.

[quantumst8]

No guarantees in love. Look at the flip side of the coin--how many guys are there that will tell a girl everything they want to hear--I'll never move, my job and career is 100% stable, I want long term, I'm completely over my ex, I have no debt, etc--and all of it be a lie? I find it completely ironic how women will drop a guy for being honest and then go date that guy that just says all the right lies. You don't want to be one of those women. Just jump in and see what happens because no one can see the future from all angles.

 

Also, some people get on dating sites from their phones and their phones keep them logged in all the time.

[kimberlykimbo]

I am not wondering if hes not trustworthy at all. I thought this forum was a place to see other peoples opinions on situations.

 

The fact that he told me about his ex shows hes honest. I am just wondering if 3 months out of a year long relationship is enough time to be healed to look for a new person. He admitted he thought about saying yes to getting back together, thats why I am a bit concerned I could be a rebound. I have not dated anyone so fresh out of a relationship before so I dont know these things.

 

The Miami thing I was just wondering if others could see that as a problem.

 

And yes, with the apps I thought it could be shown as online alot, but I dont have a smartphone with apps so I really dont know.

[LDRohnos]

Too many red flags for me (distance/near futures/fact he just got out of a relationship)..I'd pass. But that's me.

[Fudgie]

-Said that he will be WAYYY too busy in the future with his MBA and working full time

-Ridiculously long distance from the start

-Ex gf pretty much still in the picture (she contacted him very recently). Expect drama with that!

 

I'd say move on before you get attached.

[Deciduous]

Hi Kimberly,

 

Gut Feeling? He's not emotionally available right now.

 

He's profile may say he's looking for a LTR...his head may say he's looking for a LTR, but his unconscious emotions say he is not.

 

And so his search continues on the dating web-site as he looks for the perfect princess to drag him out of apathetic yet understandable confusion. But that person can only come along when he is ready.

 

Whilst I agree with quantum - it's not good to tell massive porkies during the dating stage - there is such a thing as putting your best foot forward, expressing a desire to impress. When are hearts are open and we are emotionally complete - we do not spend hours recanting our failed forays into love, with our new date.

 

When we are not ready for love, we flip-flop all over the place, (shall I go back to my ex, I don't know?) blow hot and cold and sometimes end up viewing our new date as an unpaid therapist. He's revealed an awful lot in the short time you have known him, and not in a good way. This isn't a man who feels optimistic and excited about love.

 

He feels apathetic, cynical and tired - poor thing - and not really in a position to invest anything emotionally - which is entirely understandable at this point. He'll get over it, but it may not be for a while. The ball really is in your court. What you are seeing is what you will get.

 

By all means hang out with him - remains friends if you wish - but I wouldn't expect his heart to catch ablaze any time soon. It's nothing to do with you. It's just where he is right now.

 

I know you are trying to be understanding, but you've stated you want a healthy long term relationship - Presumbly you would like it with a man who is emotionally available, open to developments and excited about new love - a man who is ready for something serious.

 

Hand on heart, do you feel you have found that in this man?

 

Deci

[capuccino83]

I was on OKC when I was working on my MBA applications. Since I knew I was going to start b-school within a year, I wasn't looking for a serious relationship - for more like a medium term relationship. Furthermore, I knew that I would move away for my MBA and my ex and I had broken up two months before after being on and off again for over a year. He was still contacting me. Given all of this I still wanted someone in my life although I was unsure in what capacity. In the middle of all of this I met my boyfriend on OKC, and now a year later we are still together even though I am in b-school now with barely any free time living a 2.5 hour plane ride away from him. So anything can happen really I think the main thing is no expectations - I was pretty sure that I was going to meet a guy in b-school so I gave myself and my boyfriend very little pressure to progress to commitment and a serious relationship. Because I had zero expectations, and also because we were right for each other, the relationship developed very organically. So given my experience I think that your situation is totally workable... if you guys are right for each other. If not, you are asking for disaster because b-school is insane!

[Batya33]

Did you ask him about his ex? If not, he wasn't being honest -he was simply choosing to share information with you. And to me, sharing information like that about exes reflects a lack of common sense, tact and sensitivity on a first date. If you asked him, then honesty balanced with tact would be "oh, let's not talk about exes on a date, ok? I want to get to know you not talk about past girlfriends". If the truth was that he shouldn't be on the date because he was still into his ex then his response should have been "yes we should talk about that -I'm realizing I'm not ready to be dating, sorry".

[kimberlykimbo]

I did not ask him about his ex. He brought it up.

I think you guys are right. I am suppose to leave in 1 hr for our date. I wont cancel it- I will go and have a good time. But after that I wont continue to see him.

[LDRohnos]

Have fun! Keep an open communication with him, never know about the future. I think you're making a wise choice.

[Mesemene]

I'm kind of confused on one point - did you mean he lives close by now, but is open to moving back to Miami in the future?

 

If so, I wouldn't really worry about that one - it didn't come accross like "dead set" on it, and people tend to change their plans depending on where life leads them, location wise.

 

The ex - eh, he's been honest, and people heal at differing rates. As long as he's being open and upfront, it was only one date, early to worry yet.

 

Spring is what, 6 months off? Another not to worry - people tend to want to focus more heavily on prospective partners in the "getting to know" stage, since you have a full life as well, this could be looked at as positive - he has ambition, and you wouldn't be nursemaiding him through clinginess.

 

The last I wouldn't sweat - not uncommon for people to get on a site, or even chat, even if they're not actively pursuing anything. He's probably still curious about what's up, and as you said, his app would keep him logged in if it's on.

[kimberlykimbo]

Ok so I have changed my mind. I just got back from our 2nd date.

 

He lives close to me now (well hes 1 hour away but I dont see that as far...I drive 50 minutes to work everyday) but is open to the possibility of moving back to Miami. But he mentioned on this date he is not sure if he would want to move back because Miami is filled with Hispanics and he said hes gotten to used to being around non Hispanics. He also talked about how he wants to interview for corporate positions at his job (in Texas and California, I live on the east coast) and how he can pick up and leave easily because hes independent.

 

He told me he decided to do the MBA thing part time because hed have no life if he did it full time with work. He also asked me an example of how a guy can treat a girl bad in conversation...so I mentioned a few things my ex did. Then he told me about his past cheating ex. So I technically brought it into the conversation. He sounded like he is over his last ex, he mentioned he was more hurt that she cheated on him rather than getting dumped.

 

Right when I got home, he sent me a text asking to see me Tuesday. I really dont think hes seeing other people so I am not concerned about the dating site. He works 45 hours a week and if hes seeing someone else, there isnt a whole lot of time leftover.

 

I think I am just going to see how things go right now. The moving thing, I wont worry about now, because it is true that people change their minds. My ex said he wanted to join the military for a year and I kept thinking Id have to break it off but he never followed through. I am not so worried about the ex now either, or the MBA thing, or the dating site. I am not saying I will keep seeing him for a long time, but I think I want to give this a chance.

[Batya33]

Sounds good. There is a difference between not dating others and deciding to close off the option to date others -and certainly 2 dates is too early to do so most often. When I was working more than 45 hours a week, more like 60 plus doing volunteer work, having an active social life -I always had time to go on dates with more than one person -I made the time and it was easier because of my online dating profile since I could do the first contact at any time during the day and carve out time to meet for coffee rather than spending an evening at a social event. No reason to be concerned if he is keeping options open -totally normal at this early stage! You should be, too.