Phillyg123 Posted October 2, 2011 Share Posted October 2, 2011 I recently broke up with my girlfriend. We had been dating for about 11 months. On our first date she told me she had slept with 25 ment which didnt bother me at first but started to bother me when we kept running into them all the time when we went out (prob 12 differnet guys) The reason i initiated the break up was because she goes out drinking once or twice a week (i used to go with her) and come back at 3 unable to talk or walk she is so drunk. she is permanently on anti depressants, her grandmother is a ragins alcholic, as is her aunt and her dad is a recovering alcohilic. i tried to tell her she had issues with alcohol but she wouldnt accept it. she cut back for a while but started up again. She blacks out almost every time she drinks. I emailed her parents with her consent telling them thaat she needed help and she has just started seeing a counsillor eery two weeks. AFter we broke up we were still texting all the time so I imposed a one week communicaiton ban to see how we both felt. Once the ban was finished we ran into each other in a bar and she said that she still really loved me and that she didnt want to be with anyone else but she just couldnt be with anyone and is convinced she is going to spend her life alone just like her aunt. I told her I loved her but she just kept saying she couldnt be with anyone. She says I deserve so musch better than her. I go home and she stays out to party. The next day I go round to hers to tell her i still love her and will never give up on her. I look through the bedroom window as she wont answer the phone and she is in bed with another guy! i am devastated. She comes out and says they didnt sleep together, just kissed at the bar and then she came home by herself and then he called her after as there was a party in her building and then he had a beer on the couch while she went to bed and then he came and slept in the bed after. Says she kept her nightie on with her underwear. I asked her to swear on my life that nothing sexual happened and she did. She crys for 4 hours the next day and says she so sorry she hurt me and she still loves me. I tell her to neer contact me again. A few days later she sends me a text saying "i just want you to know, i hope your doing ok" I didnt reply No contact since then, that was a few days ago. Link to comment
sadchick83 Posted October 2, 2011 Share Posted October 2, 2011 First, she shouldn't be drinking and taking anti depressants. I have known many women who drink and sleep with men as a form of self-abuse. You cannot fix this woman-only she can fix herself. Imposing bans, rules, regulations in your relationship will not work with this woman....she is a woman of no rules. By the way she is lying if she said nothing happened. Drunk women don't bring guys home to sleep in their "nighties." It may sound like harsh advice, but you need to cut yourself off from this women. 5 years from now you are going to bump into her again and see nothing has changed. Link to comment
offplanet Posted October 2, 2011 Share Posted October 2, 2011 She can't help herself. She's out of it. She probably did, but she can't help it. She's in such a bad way. She probably does love you as much as she's capable of but due to her condition she would do this again and again and mess you up very badly. You can't help her, and I just hope you won't get caught up in trying to, because she would take you down with her. Believe me, I know all about it. Link to comment
Phillyg123 Posted October 2, 2011 Author Share Posted October 2, 2011 Thanks for the replies, our whole relationship she would just keep making mistakes and then promise to change but in the end she would never change. I realize that I am better off without this girl and if I stayed with her I would just end up with a life full of misery and eventually divorce. I realize that it is better to face a couple months of pain now rather than a lifetime of it but it's just so hard because I still love her and thinking about her with that other guy drives me crazy! It has been 7 days no contact now but I check my phone every 10 mins. I am internally conflicted as I still lovenher so much and want to be with her but I hate her for immediately going out and sleeping with this guy and know I could never be with her again. By the way the guy is a total player and there is no chance they are going to get in a relationship together, he will just use her and that makes me so sad for her too. I treated her like gold and she always said it is the best relationship she has ever been in and I know she must be missing me and will eventually have a breakdown for doing what she did and regret it and most likely contact me again. All I do I think about her and try and get inside her head to understand and think what's she's doing and picture the two of them together... Link to comment
Phillyg123 Posted October 2, 2011 Author Share Posted October 2, 2011 Off planet, have you had experience with someone like this on anti depressants before? Link to comment
sadchick83 Posted October 2, 2011 Share Posted October 2, 2011 You have given yourself the best advice...Be proud. Yes its going to be painful for the next little while, but it will get better. Just come on ENA, do nice things for yourself and you will be on the fast track to healing. Link to comment
Phillyg123 Posted October 2, 2011 Author Share Posted October 2, 2011 I'm just so angry at her parents and friends for not seeing there is serious problems in the fact that she's on anti depressants and drinks heavily. Hopefully this new cousillor will tell her she needs to stop drinking permanently but she would sugar coat it so that the counsillor doesn't know the full story. I know that ultimately she has to realize there is something fundamentally wrong for herself but it's so painful to see someone you love unable to help themselves. I am just so hurt that she slept with that guy Link to comment
annie24 Posted October 2, 2011 Share Posted October 2, 2011 She is an alcoholic. Maybe it will take losing a good boyfriend for her to realize how alcohol is ruining her life. Link to comment
Phillyg123 Posted October 2, 2011 Author Share Posted October 2, 2011 I tried to tell her That also but she wouldn't believe me. The problem is how do you define being an alcoholic? I go out drinking once or twice a week as do pretty much all of my friends. I do not consider myself an alcoholic though. Just because you like to go to bars and socialize doesn't make you an alcoholic. I think the history of alcoholism in her family should definitely make her wary about drinking but because she is doing nothing different than all her friends she cannot be convinced that she has a problem. If she had asked me to quit drinking completely for our relationship I would have, when I asked her to do it she refused and acted as if I was crazy. the sad thing is that maybe losing me will open her eyes and she will change but it's too late now. I cannot go back to her after she has been with another guy. It is Sunday so I imagine she went out drinking last night and is going to hit the depression wave at some point today. I imagine that at some point today she while message me or perhaps I'm just hoping she will. Either way if she does message me or call I will not reply, instead I shall post on here exactly what she has said and you guys van give me advice. Stay tuned... Link to comment
catfeeder Posted October 2, 2011 Share Posted October 2, 2011 Consider finding one or several Alanon meetings in your area and attend them--even when they feel uncomfortable. These people understand alcoholism and will teach you ways of coping, and they'll help bolster you so you'll avoid ruining your life for someone you can't help. Stop all contact with this woman. I know that sounds cold and easy to say, but the more hindsight you allow yourself to rack up and the more you learn from the Alanon people, the easier it will become to gain the objectivity and healthy perspective you need. Staying involved with this woman will wreck your life. You know this. I hope you'll allow your smarts to overrule all else. Head high. Link to comment
annie24 Posted October 2, 2011 Share Posted October 2, 2011 The fact that she is blacking out regularly is a huge concern for me. That's a big red flag right there. Sure, I go drinking once a week too, I have wine with dinner. I always remember what happened, I don't invite strange men back to my place. I also don't have a family history of alcoholism (it's partially genetic). The CAGE questions are one used to broadly define alcoholism. If a woman responds yes to one or more, she's an alcoholic. For a man, it's 2 or more: Do you Crave alcohol? Do you get Angry when someone asks you about your drinking? Do you feel Guilty about your drinking? Do you need an Eyeopener in the morning? Link to comment
Phillyg123 Posted October 2, 2011 Author Share Posted October 2, 2011 She would never just sit at home and drink alcohol by herself but she needs to go out and get drunk. It's like she is a social alcoholic or something. If we went out for a romantic meal or something she would be fine but as soon as she had that first glass of wine there was no going home to relax together anymore, she would need to find where her friends were and drink until she was drunk. I let her go out by herself and trusted her but every time she would come back legless and act like I was crazy for thinking there was a problem Link to comment
Phillyg123 Posted October 2, 2011 Author Share Posted October 2, 2011 I do not answer yes to any of those. I think definitely she would answer yes to the second and third questions. She doesn't drink except for when she's out. As to whether she craves alcohol I am unsure, all I know is she craves the party atmosphere and needs to be in it Link to comment
annie24 Posted October 2, 2011 Share Posted October 2, 2011 right - alcoholism isn't about frequency - having one glass of wine with dinner each night doesn't mean you are an alcoholic. Going out and getting so drunk you black out - that's a warning sign. Even if it doesn't happen everyday, she could still have a problem. I think it's fair for you to say that you won't have anything to do with her until she gets into treatment for her alcohol problems. And I think it's great that you reached out to her parents. Link to comment
annie24 Posted October 2, 2011 Share Posted October 2, 2011 I'm going to go right ahead and say that depression isn't the problem - it's alcoholism. Maybe she is self-medicating with alcohol? I think that's possible. You can enjoy going to a party or dancing or a night on the town without getting so incapacitated that you are an easy target for a crime. And if she gets angry that you are pointing that out?? Sure - I think all of us, in college, had a few nights like that - getting so drunk we don't know how we got home. Maybe a kind roommate made sure we were safe the whole night. I wouldn't necessarily call those kids alcoholics, but what's happening with your gf (ex?) is definitely a real problem. Link to comment
Phillyg123 Posted October 2, 2011 Author Share Posted October 2, 2011 She is my ex as I haven't spoken to her in 7 days and it looks like she slept with another guy. Her parents loved me for sending the email and said it was so courageous for me to have done so but still nothing changed. For a few weeks she managed to stay away from hard alcohol and shots but in the last few weeks when we were broken up she would go out and I would simply tell her to have fun and just ask that she message me when she got home so I knew she was safe. Three times in our break up period she got so intoxicated she was unable to even text me to let me know she was home safe so I got so angry and frustrated I had to call it off and tell her never to contact me again. She could be such a wonderful person if she just gavenup drinking and quit the bar scene but it's what all her friends still do so she does it too Link to comment
Phillyg123 Posted October 2, 2011 Author Share Posted October 2, 2011 She would get so drunk she would call me from a cab at 3 in the morning and not know how to get home. It just hurts me so much that she can't see it Link to comment
annie24 Posted October 2, 2011 Share Posted October 2, 2011 She would get so drunk she would call me from a cab at 3 in the morning and not know how to get home. It just hurts me so much that she can't see it wow. forgetting your own address? that's pretty bad. i'm really sorry. i think you are doing the right thing by staying away. i think sometimes people have to hit rock bottom before they get help. It looks like losing a good boyfriend and forgetting where she lives isn't rock bottom for her. Link to comment
Phillyg123 Posted October 2, 2011 Author Share Posted October 2, 2011 Dear XX, I am writing this email on behalf of myself and XX and am under no duress from XX to do so. * Firstly I would like to apologize from both of us for the events that took place last night and during the preceding few weeks. * We both understand that your family is currently under a lot of stress with everything that is going on in Ontario and this is the last thing that you needed or should have to worry about. * We have been going through some problems in our relationship for the last few months now which I'm sure XX has made you aware of. * These problems I have later since discovered are all hinged around one key issue, and one we have been working on correcting for the last couple weeks. * Because of the anti-depressants that your daughter is on XX cannot drink alcohol. * It is a problem that we are all aware of and should not be surprised by as XX has been informed by her doctors on numerous occasions that whilst on this medication she cannot consume alcohol. * I can tell you first hand that this is a problem in her life right now, I am aware of it, she is aware of it and some of her friends are beginning to realize it too. The first thing I would like to say on this matter, and I cannot stress this point enough, is that whilst XX and myself are not entirely blameless in this situation, it is not her fault that any of this is happening. * Because of the chemical imbalance in her body she is at the whim of what these drugs do to her and she has to deal with things, not least of all her depression and self insecurity, that other perfectly happy people the same age as us do not have to deal with and do not understand. * I genuinely believe I am a positive influence on your daughters life although it may not appear that way to you right now. * I understand that XX has self worth issues and I spend everyday building her up and trying to make her a happier person. * Last night XX had already blacked out from drinking an hour before she hurt her head and she had already fallen over and we had argued about the situation. * Since we temporarily broke up two weeks ago I told XX that I wouldn't stay in a relationship where she would eventually end up hurting me because of her problems with alcohol. * She agreed with me and since then we have been a lot happier as she has worked on her problem and even last night she was drinking responsibly and listening to me. * She has not done a single shot of alcohol or had more than a small glass of wine in the last two weeks. Unfortunately it appears that even this is not enough and we need to take more drastic steps to help her. * I am by no stretch of the imagination perfect and am the first person to hold my hands up when I am wrong or make a mistake. So where does that leave us and what can we do? * I don't expect you to forgive either of us right now and that is not what this email is about. * I love your daughter and when alcohol isn't thrown into the mix we are genuinely happy together. * You don't have to take my word for that you can ask your daughter directly. * She will tell you that I treat her like a princess and I make her happy. * I am writing you this email to ask for your help, even if neither of us deserve that right now. * I want to see your daughter happy and I know that she can be but it is going to take some effort both on her part and from her support network of family and friends. * XX has already agreed to let me write this email to you. * She has agreed to let her friends know the situation and get them to help her with her problem as opposed to making it worse. * She had agreed to seek council from a professional to help with her state of mind and self worth issues and this is something that I am fully behind and have been encouraging her to do for weeks now. * She has agreed to change her ways and has been working on this issue for the last few weeks although it doesn't appear that way right now. * Neither myself nor her thought that the amount of alcohol she drank last night could lead to this. * She ate a healthy meal and listened to me the whole time and literally only drank four or five drinks. * Unfortunately there doesn't appear to be any middle ground on this issue as I had hoped there may be and it seems that XX just needs to stay away from alcohol completely. This is going to be difficult for her to do and she needs all of our support to do so. * I have been working for the past month now to inform her friends on the situation and we are making progress. * I could be angry at XX for the things she has done and the way she has acted recently but I genuinely don't believe she is to blame for all of this and anything that has happened between us is a symptom of the problem as opposed to the root cause. * Instead I choose to help her overcome her problems and I emplore you to do the same, just as I will with her friends. * Once again I am sorry that we have upset you. * She loves you very much and letting you down upsets her greatly. Regards XX Link to comment
Phillyg123 Posted October 2, 2011 Author Share Posted October 2, 2011 That is the email I sent her parents the day after we were in the emergency room for 10 hours because she fell over and split her head open Link to comment
annie24 Posted October 2, 2011 Share Posted October 2, 2011 that is very sweet and i think a good letter. did her parents try to get her help? Link to comment
Phillyg123 Posted October 2, 2011 Author Share Posted October 2, 2011 Her mum sent her the link for applying for a counsillor 2 months ago. I filled out the paperwork with her as i knew she wouldnt get round to doing it herself. It took four weeks to finally get a counsillor after the application! I think she has attended two sessions now and is meant to go once every two weeks Link to comment
Phillyg123 Posted October 2, 2011 Author Share Posted October 2, 2011 They also both wrote me an email back saying they agreed that she had a problem with drinking and were going to try to help her make the right decisions. Alas they did not manage apparently Link to comment
annie24 Posted October 2, 2011 Share Posted October 2, 2011 It's really hard. Do you ever watch those shows on TV where they confront people with a drinking or drug problem? They pretty much resist until EVERYONE says to them, "I will not be in your life anymore if you choose to do this." Link to comment
Phillyg123 Posted October 2, 2011 Author Share Posted October 2, 2011 I just find it so difficult as I am struggling to believe that she is actually an alcoholic Link to comment
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