Can he overcome his fear of intimacy?

[reblooming67]

My ex put forth noble effort in trying to conquer his fear of intimacy. I know he loves me (although since the split, he is suddenly saying he is not "in-love" with me anymore. That could also be because a couple months ago I did the relentless "why" questioning drill, and when he didn't have an answer, that's what he said.) He had done his "cut and run" routine twice before in our relationship. After the 2nd "cut and run" he was a mess. Friends say he was hurting - wasn't getting out of bed- he wanted me - but he didn't know why he couldn't seem to stay with me.

 

He ended up going away to an intensive healing program (Caron Foundation's "Breakthrough" program). When he came back, he put in every ounceof effort he had to try to stay with me. We went to therapy together, and slowly trust returned. He returned from "Breakthrough" a much more confident man. When he moved in with me, he got rid of so much of his stuff because he wanted us to build our home together - anew. It appeared this time, it would work.

 

The love, the affection, the adoration has ALWAYS been there between us. In late June, I started to feel him growing more distant. He was just more quiet. All of the affection and closeness was still there. I thought he was reacting to some of the things I had been going through as part of working my 4th Step in my AA program.

 

One day, he came home and said "he couldn't do this". He refused going to therapy together (that was one of the stipulations he agreed to in order for me to take him back). He told me it wasn't my fault, it was him. He felt like he was losing himself in me and that in general, he didn't really know who he was.

 

Needless to say, I was and am still devastated. It would make a bit more sense if he wasn't still so loving and affectionate just 2 weeks before his decision. My therapist knows him because we did go to therapy sessions together with her when we first got back together. She thinks he does love me, but that he has a lot of old wounds that need to be healed and that requires time on his own to figure things out.

 

We have had minimal contact since the split (only recently). I am doing the best I can to let him go with love, but quite frankly, I'm still pretty devastated. When we have talked, I can see and feel from him that he still loves me, but he is holding himself back from sharing any of his feelings for me. For example, we ran in to each other at a meeting, and I asked him to pull over to talk for a minute. He's a retired cop, so he pulled his car up to my door so that neither one of us could get out. He told me he did that on purpose.

 

I saw him again this week. When I asked why he parked that way the other night, he looked at me seriously and sincerely and said, "Do you want to know why? Here's why". He pulled me in to him as close as he could for a deep, loving hug. He paused, then slowly let me go and said "that's why".

 

Although there is a lady friend he hangs with, he insists they are not a couple. He is proud to say he's not dating at all. He knows he needs to take this time for himself. Recently they went to the city for a show, and all he did was talk to her about our last time when we were there together. He is working closely with a therapist he likes, and is getting back in to going to church.

 

He seems to have it in his head that he has so much work to do on himself, that he doesn't want me waiting around for him. Actually, mutual friends agree with that theory. OK, I get that. And if I find someone I want to date when I'm ready? I will.

 

My question is should I let this all play out - give him the space he requested, etc. Or should I ask him to be honest with me and see if he is keeping doors open? It seems like he thinks he isn't good enough for me and that I'll have a long wait if I wait for him. He has made comments before like "What do you see in me anyway?"

 

When I'm ready to date, I will. I'd love to start right now, but I need to get more step work done in my recovery program. Plus, I need to take time and not rush in to another relationship (this is the longest I've ever been alone!)

 

The other reason I wonder if I should ask is because he says he is moving to South Carolina for the winter. He said, "There is nothing up here for me to stay for, and I hate the winter". That hurt ~ "nothing up here for him to stay for?" Is he just feeling me out?

 

I am crazy about this guy. I recognize that he has some serious history to work through to tackle his fear of intimacy. However, this guy has been nothing but loving, affectionate, and simply "in to me" all along - up until the 2 weeks before he bailed.

 

I really am confident there's not another woman in the picture. I know his sponsor and some of his friends have told me that his women friends are just that: women FRIENDS.

 

Is it possible that he is actually a commitment phobe that is really trying to do the work necessary so that he and I may have a chance in the future? Let me know what you think. Thanks friends!

[offplanet]

Maybe I'm 2 cynical but I think that if someone has to go through intensive therapy to be with someone else, those 2 people are not meant to be. It's not like he's sick or anything is it? Something has changed for him. Whatever it is, he's decided to quit the relationship. That doesn't mean he has a serious mental condition for which he needs treatment! Theres a reason he has changed, and you will probably never know the ins and outs of it. Maybe he does love you in his way, but still, he wants to go, and that's that. You have to let it go. As you said, he has already tried his utmost.

[reblooming67]

Thanks offplanet. Sick? Not really. He has been active in the AA recovery program for several years though. He was in a controlling marriage for almost 30 years. His choice - yes. Stayed because of the kids. He has never really been in a "healthy relationship". My therapist thinks that when I came along, he wanted to make it work, but he had an awful lot of doubt and fears. He had never been in therapy prior to that "Breakthrough" program he went to. He just moved from one date to the next after his 30 year marriage ended. As soon as honeymoon was over with them - poof - he disappeared.

 

It was different with me. You can't fake feelings that we shared. There was and is still quite a magnetic attraction between us - emotionally, spiritually, and physically. I think for the first time ever, he was able to share his deepest feelings with someone. What a vulnerable place to be. He says he needs time to work on himself. Wants to figure out why relationships are so hard for him. I do believe that, but I also believe he loves me and doesn't want me to wait around for him.

 

So my question remains the same. Should I let this all play out - give him the space he requested, etc. Or should I ask him to be honest with me and see if he is keeping doors open? He is really giving mixed messages.

 

Would love to hear anyone else's opinion?

[kuteknish]

 

He told me it wasn't my fault, it was him. He felt like he was losing himself in me and that in general, he didn't really know who he was.

 

He seems to have it in his head that he has so much work to do on himself, that he doesn't want me waiting around for him.

 

She thinks he does love me, but that he has a lot of old wounds that need to be healed and that requires time on his own to figure things out.

 

 

Is it possible that he is actually a commitment phobe that is really trying to do the work necessary so that he and I may have a chance in the future?

 

SO many things you said in your post... give him all the space he needs. He's not young, and it's a lot of work to let go of intimacy fears and wounds from the past. Even your therapist said that he needs a lot of time to work this out on his own. No one can help him, but himself...

 

Don't push him, just let him go with love and if it's meant to be he will come back when HE'S ready... but do not wait around.

 

Has he been married before? What's his relationship history?

[Melting]

I would just let it go and give him the space.

 

He can only change himself if he wants to, nothing you do or say will change him.

[reblooming67]

Thanks kuteknish. He was married nearly 30 years to a very controlling woman. 2 years since divorce was officially final, but separated for 3 years. There was no relationship history before her. When he divorced, he went back in to bachelor mode and was doing the "honeymoon" dating game. Date the woman until the novelty wears off (usually a few weeks or less per woman). Then he met me, and he didn't want to continue on in his bachelor lifestyle. He even moved in with me (complete details are in the original thread above). I appreciate your insight!

[reblooming67]

So true Melting. I guess because he got right in to counseling, is back in to renewing his faith by becoming more involved in church, and is actively working his 12-Step recovery program, I thought this was hope for our future. My fantasy is that he wants to better himself to be with me. Yeah, I know. It's just a fantasy. Hardest part is that he was SO IN TO ME. Friends noticed a huge change in him - couldn't believe how happy he was, had no "roving eyes", etc. I guess his fears weighed heavier than his love for me. Ugh. Rejection is never a good feeling.

[jaysmaury]

Maybe I'm 2 cynical but I think that if someone has to go through intensive therapy to be with someone else, those 2 people are not meant to be. It's not like he's sick or anything is it? Something has changed for him. Whatever it is, he's decided to quit the relationship. That doesn't mean he has a serious mental condition for which he needs treatment! Theres a reason he has changed, and you will probably never know the ins and outs of it. Maybe he does love you in his way, but still, he wants to go, and that's that. You have to let it go. As you said, he has already tried his utmost.

 

Well said. I was gonna say "He's just not that into you" but offplanet's post is much more accurate.

[DylanNotorious]

I'm not buying into his reasons either. Seems like he has a great girl and he's choosing to be on his own. Your giving him no reason to quit the relationship - so I think he's kinda being selfish and just wants to do his own thing.

 

Selfish probably isn't the right wording, but he just wants his own time/thing to do.

[reblooming67]

Thanks jaysmaury

[reblooming67]

Good point DylanNotorious.

[reblooming67]

Thanks for all of your insight on my previous postings. I think I've done a good job of "letting HIM" go because I love him, I know he needs time, and ultimately, there's nothing I can do about it.

 

What I'm having a hard time with is letting go of the hope of "US" in the future. Especially because when I see him every now and then (completely coincidentally - that's a weird thing too...) the chemistry is still there WITHOUT ANY DOUBT! But he quickly reminds me that he needs this time to explore his history with relationships and figure out what's going on with him that causes him to run every time he gets close. If you read my story, you'll see that he did this with me 2 times previously. He WANTS to make it work, puts in all the effort and leads me to believe we're moving in happy and healthy direction, but something causes him to go in to "fight or flight" mode and BAM! He's gone.

 

Any pointers on how to ease in to fully letting go? I know - no contact - keep busy - etc. I've pulled out my "Law of Attraction" book. I'm hoping it will help me with my confidence to consciously shift my energy in to what I want instead of holding on to what "could be" with us some day. Any other pointers would be greatly appreciated. Sincere thanks!