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Need help, beyond confused...


CallinYourName

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Hey everybody... I'm new here, and I was really in need of help.

I'll start from the very beginning. My boyfriend and I have been dating for two years now. We're even engaged- not as in we'll marry in the next year or so but more as in we'll marry someday in the future. See, we're only 18 years old.

At first, our relationship started off badly. He fell for me too quickly when I was keen on another guy. It mixed me up, so I asked him for some space to sort things out. After some time, I still couldn't decide, so I decided it would be easier to tell him "no", and just let him move on with his life. Big mistake.

It wasn't long till I started missing him, and I asked for a second chance. He gave it to me. I was scared as I'll ever be to hurt him again, so I knew I had to put everything I had into our relationship. And that never changed since we started dating, I always gave everything I could for him.

The first few months of our relationship were great. We had some major fights back then, when we first started dating he was living, like ten blocks away from me. Then, he had to move out elsewere, I had to take a 1 hour bus drive to get to his house. He was worried the relationship wouldn't work with the distance, and though I didn't really thought of it as troublesome, he used to get all worked up about it and would end up taking it out on me.

But those fights were nothing really, if anything they made us stronger.

When we had been dating for about six months, we had been having... erhm, intercourse, for the past three months. And one day, one frigging condom broke. We bought the day after pill, and I took it.

One month later, I didn't get my period and started getting fidgety, and about 20 days later, it finally came.

I felt so relieved. Or so I was until I kept on bleeding rather heavily even after the normal 4-5 days of period and several strange things. I'll spare the details... It just wasn't pretty. His mother works in the hospital, and when we told her about my situation, she told me what it was that was wrong with me. I had miscarriaged.

We were both devastated. I cried and locked myself in my room for a couple of days... I skipped school and only saw him, my boyfriend. At somepoint I expresed him that I was as well afraid that this would tear us apart. I felt like it was my fault, and I knew that could kill our relationship, it was already killing me inside. He reassured me and said "we were stronger than that".

Nothing was really ever the same after that. My sexual appetite diminished considerably after that, probably out of 100%, I was at 20% or 30%. We started seeing each other a little more often, and we would get into this annoying little fights constantly. He would do the stupidest things that would just plain piss me off, and then sayed things like "you take things too seriously, I'm just joking." When he knew those "jokes" really bothered me.

That year it was my last year of school, and we had a trip with my schoolmates programmed, really close to our first year anniversary.

Needless to say it was a very promiscuous trip. But I never EVER even looked at another guy. Why would I have to? I loved my boyfriend and wasn't about to throw our whole relationship to the garbage for 10 days of partying. I spent the whole trip missing him like crazy, and feeling actually kinda proud of our lets say "mature" relationship when everyone our age was out there going at it with every living walking thing they could find.

He of course was paranoid the whole time I was away, and would call me constantly and make me these little scenes over the phone. The thing is, when he gets angry, he's the kind of person that says all the most hurtfull things without even thinking about it. He would often insult me, or call me a cheater, or insult my friends for being there with me or well, he insulted anything that he could think of would bother me.

So during one of his rants over the phone, he reffered to a friend of mine (that had recently broken up with her boyfriend, with whom she had ended up pregnant and aborted at least three times -please do not refer to this, I do not want to hear you insulting at her, this is just stating the facts-). Well she reffered to this girl, calling her something amongst the lines of "that motherf... baby-killer beatch".

And though I am a very rational person and I didn't respond to his insults because I knew they were empty words, that hit a soft spot. I started crying and freaking out, (when I'm normally a really calm person) and I started yelling at him that if he ever thought before opening his mouth, that how could he say that to me, and that I wasn't actually really not any better than what he reffered to.

I couldn't forget that discussion, well, at least that particular part. We both ended up crying after that, but it all worked out well in the end. By the time I came home I still missed him like crazy, though I was still a tad angry at him.

A day after my arrival we celebrated our first year together. The week after that was great. But then, it all slowly became rutinary again. We fighted about the smallest, stupidest things, as usual, and we started going out together every time a less and less. He would come pick me up at school, and then walk me home, were we would spend the whole afternoon laying around the house doing nothing. And that's great sometimes, but not everyday...

He is the same age as I am, but he repeated a few times. When I met him, he was in an adult's highschool that was really bad. He dropped that when he met he, and started studying so he could enlist in his old highschool and finish it. In his own words; so he could be able to study to offer me a future.

So when he finally was able to get back in his old high school that year, he dropped out, saying he hated the afternoon shift, and wanted to go in the morning. He also said that he didn't want to study anymore, that he wanted to work. That of course led to lots of discussions. I didn't want him to throw his future away, not for me, but for him.

I graduated that year, and when 2011 came, I decided to take a sabbatical year off of study. I decided I'll start college the next year, and this year started looking for a job, and decided to start an Italian course to not be around the house all day doing nothing, and I also prepared myself to give my FCE exam.

This year was also when my father allowed him to stay the night some times at home. He wouldn't stay more tahn two nights in a row though, because my father wasn't really crazy about it.

My boyfriend started looking for another high school for adults, a good one, and found a private one that had an early morning shift. The problem was that his mother denied to pay for the private school, so he ended up suscribin in a public high for adults that had night shifts.

It wasn't long until he dropped out of it too, complaining about the night shift, and saying he could maybe (as in, if he wanted to) do the final term exams for the subjects of the year he'd just dropped out off.

He hasn't touched a book since. And, to this point, my father got himself a new girlfriend (my mother died when I was young), and often spent more time at her house than at ours. So one day my bf stayed the night, and the next, and the next, and the next. It's been months, and he's well, practically living here, and my father saying "sure no problem, he's welcome whenever he want's to be here" Don't get me wrong, I loved having him around at first, but it doesn't feel right. My father is paying for me AND him? It's wrong.

And all my bf does is just sleep, eat, go to the bathroom, and play the playstation. I play with him sometimes, but he never even asks me to anymore.

And we arent much intimate either ever since what happened... I never want to. Not that I don't enjoy it when we do, but, well I don't think I have any sexual dessire at all. I just, can live perfectly without it. I know he doesn't and I wish I had a stronger libido, but I just don't. I would just be content with tender kisses and just him hugging me. And I know it bothers him, and whenever he asks me about it, I tell him, he knows why I am like I am. And he just answers that he doesn't think that was much of a big deal. But it was for me.

Everything's been downhill since he's here. we fight all the time for his stupid jokes, he never want's to do anything, he's always easily irritated, I sometimes feel like I'm walking over egg shells around him, and he doesn't pay me any attention.

And before, we used to go out almost always, either alone or with our friends, then, we started just going out to celebrate when we turned another month more, and now, we never go out. I wan't him to go out, and he starts telling me to leave him alone to sleep/play/scratch his balls in peace. He doesn't even want to get together with his friends, he preffers just staying at home and doing NOTHING.

He does hug me, and worries about me* and kisses me and tells me he loves me and he needs me. And I know he means it. I don't think he doesn't love me, I just think he takes me for granted.

*though, he says he worries, he doesn't want me to go out alone to meet my friends. but 7 out of 10 times he doesn't lift a finger to walk me to my friends house, or to the bus stop at least. he just says "tell your brother to go with you, don't go alone" !!!

My friends bluntly called him a parasite living off of our kindness. he doesn't even help me cook in the afternoons, and he complains anytime I tell him we should go to the super, or if he could help me. He sometimes helps with dinner (that's if my older brother is cooking with me)

I don't even recognize him anymore. a month ago we turned two years, and I gave him two lockets (one for me, one for him) and had them write a phrase behind both of those, and the dates. I don't really want sometime expensive. God knows if he appeared with a gigantic papel-mache sculpture of a teddy bear made out of old newspapers, I would we swooning just as happily (even more, because it shows he took the time to do something for me, more than going into a store and buying anything) as he gave me anything that costed so much money.

But he didn't gave me anything, nor even wrote me a letter! I had to tell him, jokingly "where's my gift?" and he said "oh you're so superficial" and I said "I didn't ask you to buy me diamonds embeded in gold, haven't you at least wrote me a letter, you know I'm just happy with that" and he was like "yeah I'll write one for you," but he still never did.

I'm confused. After all we've been through, I always stayed with him (It was always really easy for me to be honest with myself) because I think and knew, that I loved him profoundly. But now... I'm not saying I don't love him, but I'm not sure I still do love him either.

It's not about the gifts or the not going out of the house ever... he isn't the same one I fell in love with, two years ago. I don't know what to do. I'm deeply scared to hurt him again. One of my friends asked me "what if he dumped you?" And I know that if that happens I'll be hurt, of course, but not as hurt as I would be I dumped him, because if he leaves me it's his decision, the other way around, I'm just hurting him like in the beggining all over again. I know this whole situation is wrong, but I don't want to accept it, because I know what I have to do and I don't want to.

He's too immature. I'm not saying I'm the most mature person, but I am more mature than he is, jesus he's even goofing around the few times we do have relations, and that makes me not want to go on. he's like a giant child.

I still want a future with him, I do. I want our promised marriage, and I want us to have the baby that was taken away from us. I want him to be my family, I wan't to grow old with him, but not like this. I don't wan't to live every moment of my forever bickering with him, raising an extra child because he just behaves like one. He's my first boyfriend, my first time really falling hard in love, my first everything.

I'm just so worn out of this whole situation. He's now finally back in his house, I told him sweetly time and time again to go, but he didn't listen, so I just made it clear we needed space, we're just 18, we still need some time for ourselves. but I don't really now how to go on from here. everytime I think of this whole think my whole body starts trembling and I'm unconsciouslly start crying badly. I don't know what to do. I can't go on like this, but I don't want to leave him alone if he needs me.

I believe in true love, but not that there's one only true love. I think you can truly love more than one person. I believe in soulmates, but you just never know nowadays... Do you think this is the case? I like to believe he is my soulmate, but what if he really isn't? if were not really meant to be forever?

What do you think? I was wondering if could get some neutral advices. I've talked this out with my friends and with myself. I'd really like the opinion of someone that doesn't know me or him... What do you say? Are we too far lost...?

Thanks for those who answer...

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