broke up because his ex came back into the picture

[sleepysol]

Hi all,

 

I am new to this website and hoping to find some support from all of you out there.

 

Long story short, i was with a guy for 4 months and been friends with him for 8 months. The 4 months with him was brilliant. We were enjoying each other's company and the relationship was just simple; no drama. He introduced me to his friends and family, I did the same and 2 days before we broke up, we even spoke about taking our relationship to the next level albeit in small doses - ie. him moving some of his stuff to my flat, e.g mouthwash, extra towel etc. so he does not need to lug all those stuff with him whenever he stays a night. I believe we both fell in love with each other at the same time. It was just 2 people learning to get to know each other and taking things as they come. We both put in the same amount of "effort" into this relationship and we never needed to have the chat about where our relationship was going. Instead, he was the one who asked me to be his girlfriend after 3 months of dating.

 

However, about a month ago, we broke up because his ex wanted him back. My ex and her dated for 3 years and she dumped him last year in June because she told him that she met a guy and was attracted to his intelligence and confidence. My ex cut off all contact with her after that break up. After a month of dating my ex (we started dating April this year), she got back in touch with him. My ex reassured me that he had moved on from her and he was now ready to talk to her again but only as a friend. He even told her about him dating me. I did not kick up a fuss as 1. i just started dating him and 2. if there is no trust in our relationship, i might as well have called it off. Plus, I am friends with all my exes so I understood where he was coming from. So i took a chance and trusted him. I was always sceptical about her intentions and told him my thoughts about it. Throughout the relationship with him I knew they were emailing each other but he always assured me that he only cared for her as a friend. So I trusted him as he never made me feel insecure about her. We continued to be very committed in our relationship albeit him being in contact with her.

 

Fast forward to the day we broke up. He told me that I was right; she told him she wanted him back. He told me that he didn't want to go back to her but needed time away from me to grieve about the doomed friendship with her as he needed to cut all contact with her and didn't want to mop around me whilst he is doing this. I saw the red flags as I felt as if he wanted his space to choose between me and her - otherwise, why ask for space? That's when I told him that I needed to let him go. He was shocked by my response, cried, went down on his knees, told me for the first time that he fell in love with me and begged me not to end our relationship and said to forget about him asking for space. My decision was based on a rationale and logical one. As much as I liked him, I could never be secure in our relationship again especially if I gave him that space. It will never be the same as I feel that he will always have the "what if" question mark. As much as it hurt like mad, I told him that he needed to go back to her - to try it out and to get his closure. I told him that I could not compete against a 3 year relationship and the fact that she kept ringing and emailing him telling him she made a mistake, how much she loved him, she would change and LOWER HER EXPECTATIONS of him (i didn't have the heart to tell him how much an idiot she was to say this) and as I was doing the exact opposite (not crying, not begging, being calm and thinking about what I wanted out of this relationship) - he would definitely have a weak heart and will eventually go back to her.

 

A week after the break up, I met up with him. He told me that after our breakup, he was now confused about whether or not he should go back to her and he did admit that he still has feelings for her. It has been a month since I last saw him and I have maintained strict NC as I need to heal from this. He has not initiated contact with me either. I am not sure whether or not he went back to his ex but I am sure he has as I am no longer an option to him. One thing to note is that my ex has only been in 3 relationships in total. First one lasted a year. She cheated on him, he stayed on to try to make it work but in the end, he broke it off because he realised that he just needed to get out of an unhealthy relationship. The second relationship of his was the one with this ex which he said that it was bliss, never fought and I believe was/is his first love and thus him finding it hard to let go.

 

Now, I have all my answers. I may have been the rebound girl, thank god it was only 4 months and not 4 years,move one and smile at the memories etc. But yet, I am still sad about this relationship. I feel as if I was never given a chance to see for myself whether or not the relationship could have worked out. I have been going out a lot ever since the break up but I still can't erase the good memories and as much as I hate to admit it, I do miss him and miss our chats. I don't have any bad memories to look back on as I said, it was a nice relationship. I keep strong by thinking about the breakup and being dissapointed about how weak he was to throw away such a good relationship because of memories from the past.

 

Anyone of you been in this kind of situation? How did you pick yourself and move on especially given that in a way, you never had your closure because the relationship did not die out by itself but you had to make the decision (for him) to end it and cut your loses before you get hurt?

 

I know I sound pathetic as it was only a relationship that lasted for 4 months but any thoughts on this would be appreciated. Many thanks!!

[John3572]

Wow! I'm really impressed with your outlook on your situation. I know it has to be terrible for you right now. My take is that he never got over her. So even though your relationship with him was great I think he was only giving you 90% of him. He couldn't have possibly been all there for him have gone back to her as quickly as he did. Even if they haven't resumed their relationship he is allowing himself to be completely available for them to get back together by breaking things off with you.

 

I respect him for breaking things off with you and not having an affair with her or committing emotional infidelity with her while pulling the wool over your eyes and making you think everything is fine and dandy. He obviously had strong feelings for you and fell in love with you. When he realized he still had feelings for her, your relationship ended. What I have a problem with is that when she re-entered his life he was not honest about his feelings for her. He had to know that he was still carrying a torch for her.

 

I know you probably don't want to hear it now, but it is better that your relationship ended than for you to be in a relationship with someone giving 90% and you giving 100%. Good luck to you in your healing process.

[Hollyj]

You handled this so well. You are a perfect example of how to end a relationship. You did not beg, plead or hold on to hope that he would choose you. You put yourself first, and did so with dignity and respect.

 

When this guy realizes that there was a reason that he and the ex broke up, he will be back at your door. Remember, you were disable and DO NOT take this guy back! He will loose respect and do it again. Honey, you're not an option!

 

I picked myself up by keeping by and by establishing new interests: classes, yoga, meditation, dancing, hiking and volunteering. I continue all these things today, and am grateful for the break up! Keep busy!

 

You sound like a smart girl, and will find someone who will appreciate you the way you deserve!

[Hollyj]

I agree! He never got over her!

[Crazyaboutdogs]

One thing to note is that my ex has only been in 3 relationships in total.

 

I am not quite sure why that was an important thing to note. The number of previous relationships is kind of irrelevant. What happened in this situation happens all the time with people who have had 1 relationship, 3 relationships or 12 relationships. If one particular person has captured their heart, they will end up going back if the opportunity presents itself.

 

It was good that you were strong and walked away, no matter how painful that was. In time the pain will lessen.

[sleepysol]

Thanks for your advice John. I agree with everything that you have said. That was exactly what I told him as well. I said that I can't be with him right now because I know he is not able to give me 100% and I can't be with someone who can't do that. It is so hard to maintain a strong front and it eats me up day by day but in time the pain will go away..i hope. I just feel that the 4 months we had was just a dream. Can a guy really forget/put away his feelings that quickly? I do wonder whether or not he even remembers/thinks about me or am i just a distant memory?

[sleepysol]

You handled this so well. You are a perfect example of how to end a relationship. You did not beg, plead or hold on to hope that he would choose you. You put yourself first, and did so with dignity and respect.

 

When this guy realizes that there was a reason that he and the ex broke up, he will be back at your door. Remember, you were disable and DO NOT take this guy back! He will loose respect and do it again. Honey, you're not an option!

 

I picked myself up by keeping by and by establishing new interests: classes, yoga, meditation, dancing, hiking and volunteering. I continue all these things today, and am grateful for the break up! Keep busy!

 

You sound like a smart girl, and will find someone who will appreciate you the way you deserve!

 

Holly, you made me tear when I read your reply. For someone who doesn't even know me, you somehow gave me hope. I thank you for that. I do hope that my ex and his ex works out as if he does come back to me (wanting me back as a friend or more), I would feel absolutely devastated as he threw away something really special only for nothing.