Big and scary...

[Jacob216]

Hi folks,

 

This is a tough question, and I am hoping to hear from other 'gentle giants' out there who may have developed better strategies.

 

Over my lifetime, I have always been the big guy. I was 6'2" in 8th grade, 180lbs. Now I am 6'4" and between 245-260lbs. Recently, I've been getting back in shape and doing a lot of lifting.

 

I also have a considerable amount of post-grad education, a decent wit and an inquisitive nature, which I neither flaunt nor hide - but it is out there and while some folks appreciate it, others dislike it either because of their competitive nature or their insecurities or whatnot.

 

What all of this is leading up to is the following: I often find myself in situations where people are afraid of what I am going to do or say. These aren't people who know me from Adam or have seen me before. They are essentially responding to irrational fear coming from their own internal security systems of flight/fight.

 

I don't try to be an intimidating person, but I often find myself with that expectation imposed upon me. It is both disorienting and confining - because all eyes are on you and everyone is guarded. It makes it very difficult to meet people and find friends because people just have this instinctive core fear of you.

 

When I was slightly overweight, I guess I was the 'round baby face' type and not 'manly' enough to earn that kind of attention but now that I have gotten into more solid shape is has changed the way both men and women interact with me.

 

In the past, I've involuntarily reacted to it negatively (not really understanding it) and aggressively - you know, "Knock it off! What's your problem? Why are you being weird towards me?" - which obviously just played right into their expectations - so that's not a good strategy.

 

I've spent many years trying to counteract it with reason, but fear is so irrational - the more I try to convince someone I'm not dangerous, the more dangerous they feel that I am. Me: "I'm not like that. I harmless." Them: "That's exactly what a harmful person would want me to think." So I don't do that any more.

 

These days, when I come up against a scenario where people believe I am going to do something awful, I take the advice of an old psychiatrist friend of mine who said that there is no real way to diffuse the situation aside from walk away.

 

The problem is, as a big, confident, outspoken and intelligent person, I find myself having to walk away a lot unless I am willing to let myself be bound by other people's pre-emptive demands on my behavior. But even then, no one wants to be in a social situation where they are handcuffed or gagged just to fit in.

 

I don't always smile, and I try to consciously do that, but something even that gets read as aggressive or trying too hard. I find that the long-term effects of my strategy is that I have friends until they become afraid or me for some reason, and then I either have to just watch them run away, never to return, or I have to run away before they have a chance to pre-emptively strike or bind me. For awhile a just never went out because I believed something was wrong with me and that they were justified in their fear - I just didn't know yet what they saw. But eventually I learned that not everyone really cares or pays attention to me, and most people aren't afraid of me right off the bat - but I run into a lot of people who are.

 

Are there any alternative strategies? I've tried a lot of things: smiling more, talking less, talking more, sitting in chairs more, wearing darker clothing, wearing lighter clothing, hanging out with guys more, hanging out with girls more, the bottom line is that when you intimidate people, you don't get invited to do things socially and folks run from you if you approach them.

 

So aside from being a gentle giant, I'm lonely too. And in case there's a question, I'm not the best or worst looking guy in terms of facial features - I am somewhat in the middle.

 

Any one out there have any ideas on what I might try?

[annie24]

These days, when I come up against a scenario where people believe I am going to do something awful,

 

What is going on??? I don't understand. I have many male friends your size, and have not been intimidated by them because of their size. what situations are you getting into? do you have a temper problem?

 

I think smiling is important, by the way. genuine smiles.

[Firiel]

Are you sure people are negatively reacting to your size? Lots of times, when people are afraid of something happening, they can misread situations as their fear, even if that's not the case. Just something to be aware of.

 

My husband is also big (6'2" 240lbs). He's strong, quick, and athletic... and probably could really hurt most people if he tried. But he's probably one of the least intimidating guys I've ever met. He's always got a grin on his face and he's always got something funny to say. He backs it up by always being there to listen once you know him a little more and always being the first one to offer help if you're in trouble.

[Jacob216]

Thanks ladies for confirming that smiling and cracking jokes puts you at ease - and while you may speak for your large male friends, why not pass them the keyboard? You obviously don't find them intimidating, but I'm sure they have experienced what I do at one time or another...

 

Temper? Nah. Again, these are people who often are just meeting me for the first time.

 

I do shower and have reasonably good hygiene - just throwing that out there also.

 

And it's not gender specific - although it gets expressed differently.

 

Guys tend to try to draw focus away and exclude me socially, or like to pick fights. Women become guarded, cryptic and non-communicative - and then act more open around others.

 

It's not like I'm walking in flexing my muscles or being insensitive. If I can get past the first few minutes of conversation sometimes it subsides for awhile - but somehow my first impression comes accross as being serious and intimidating - even if I am welcoming and helpful... I don't know it is very frustrating. I want to just fit in and get treated like everyone else.

 

Granted, I am a serious type of person, but that's just my personality! Maybe I need to move to another country.

[Cheetarah]

I agree that smiling is really important. One of the guys I was dating earlier this year was like 6'5", 300lbs and very solid and built. Lol, in fact, I used to call his arms "WMDs"(weapons of mass destruction). Anyhow, I used to tell him I would not want to meet him in a dark alley. Without a smile(a REAL one!) or warm look on his face, he's incredibly intimidating looking. Even with one, he was still a little intimidating(or I imagine would be, I already knew he was a big teddy bear).

[annie24]

I don't know Jacob - without knowing you and knowing your mannerisms, it's hard to say what is going on. I dated a guy who had your dimensions, and he was like the most popular guy out there. we'd be on a date, and then would run into someone we knew and they would pull up a chair and sit and talk. i mean, how annoying when you are on a date!!! he was definitely mr. social and friendly.

 

do you have any close friends that you could ask for an honest opinion?

[Penseur]

For some perspective, I am not a big guy. I am 6 foot and 150 lbs. So while I am not physically intimidating, people often comment that I am intimidating nonetheless. I think some of that can be attributed to the fact that I don't naturally smile, I am aloof, I show a reserved and discerning disposition, and I rarely display emotion or tone in my voice.

[thejigsup]

Let's see. Tall, big guy, great sense of humor, educated, intelligent. Say, are you single? You sound like the kind of guy who gets my attention, in a good way. Just kidding, but you sound very nice and I think either people are reacting to your size, could be, or you are misreading them, could be also.

[annie24]

Let's see. Tall, big guy, great sense of humor, educated, intelligent. Say, are you single? You sound like the kind of guy who gets my attention, in a good way. Just kidding, but you sound very nice and I think either people are reacting to your size, could be, or you are misreading them, could be also.

 

yeah - tall, single and handsome? sign me up!! maybe you are misreading people....??? maybe you have an angry look on your face?

[Hnybun]

Let's see. Tall, big guy, great sense of humor, educated, intelligent. Say, are you single? You sound like the kind of guy who gets my attention, in a good way. Just kidding, but you sound very nice and I think either people are reacting to your size, could be, or you are misreading them, could be also.

Ha! Just what I was thinking and I'm not kidding!

 

As it's already been mentioned, it is hard to tell without knowing you personally. I do know a few big guys who I find to be great big teddy bears. I've never been intimidated by them, though. I wonder if maybe you are misreading others? I do think smiling and looking genuinely warm can go a big way towards determining how people perceive you. I wish I could be more helpful. You do sound like a great guy.

[Galaxo]

As a small guy (5'1", 105 lbs), when I see someone your size this is what I look at . If hand(s) are closed and made into fists, or you are rubbing or slap your hands together, while I wont assume anything negative will happen, I will form a plan to deal with any hostility that may come. This is irregardless of your other actions or attitude. You can be laughing and having fun, it wouldn't matter unless I already knew and trusted you.

[CarnelianButterfly]

I'm with the other ladies on being into your kind of guy! You do not sound intimidating to me. I'd be over joyed to go out with a guy that was outspoken, intelligent, tall and in shape.

 

I agree smiling does make a big difference, but smiles can only take you so far with some people. There are people that will never be happy no matter how nice or friendly you are. You have to take the few people that do accept you and hold their friendships close.

 

I wonder if your knee jerk reactions have become negative because of your past experiences. Its not going to possible to erase all that history, but you should try to give every new person a chance to accept you. If you feel misgivings toward people you don't even know, they can sense it. You could be putting them off because your already projecting a negative response. My example, my friend's new boyfriend, he told her the first time he met me he knew I wasn't going to accept him. He was right, when I walked up, I didn't like him and it was written all over my face. I didn't know him, but just something about how he was sitting there set off an alarm in my head. After seeing him with her and how their relationship has progressed, I have changed my opinion, but that first moment was a big speed bump.

[Mesemene]

For some reason, I've usually ended up with tall guys as well, and I'm pretty short (around 5'3"). And though it's certainly invited plenty of joking comments from friends and family, intimidation has never been an issue.

 

If I was single, yeah, you'd be right up my alley.

 

I don't know what to say really, size isn't something I've ever really considered intimidating since I was always the short one in school and such!

 

The only thing I can think of is maybe your body language is closed and reserved, and people get the impression you're not *really* open to them?

[Jacob216]

Well I have read over the posts...

 

I wish another big guy would respond. No offense but it is hard to work through a question like this with folks who are on the other side of the fence

 

In reading through the what people read into my description - well that was really very enlightening and it has given me a lot to think about.

 

@Mesemene - your body language comment is interesting, but ironically I wrote a post on this very topic of personal space that I have found works a lot and has worked with me in the past.

 

I guess one of the frustrating things that I have found is that I was more approachable and had more people talking to me when I was out of shape. And I'm not taking any nonsense to change my moods or whatever - it was a steady shift that as I got into better shape, I got less approachable. So this is not a chronic problem, but something that just sortof started around September. I started getting back into shape in June.

 

Even at the gym, folks at the counter were happy to see me there when I was out of shape, but once I made significant progress they wouldn't engage in conversation.

 

In my mind, that's not the way it works... when you get into shape, all the commercials say hey everyone will be happy for you and you'll suddenly have a better social life, sex life, whatever life. Doors open for you faster, babies want to kiss you - who knows its made-up but still... socially, getting into shape is supposed to be helpful. Well, not always.

 

I think this is what bothers me - it's the lack of engagement in conversation and social activity. As I get into better shape, I don't know if it is shyness kicking in - never thought of that... I don't know I just feel like the approaches I have taken to people don't work anymore. It's like when I was out of shape, I could be more direct and no one would think anything of it. But now it's like they aren't paying attention to me and they are afraid of engaging with me in basic stuff. Even getting small talk sometimes is like pulling teeth.

 

I guess I view this as a problem because just a few months ago I had no problems or complaints here. I somehow went from being a person that folks generally felt comfortable around to being the person that folks wished would just move on or get out of the way.

 

And so I do, but you can't make friends that way. It's gotten to the point where I really don't have friends who want to hang out with me at all anymore, and I am trying to strike out again on my own to make new friends but no one is into it.

 

Maybe the economy has everyone down, or it's the end of summer (boo). I don't really know. I do think the economy is making people more self-centered... or perhaps self-preserving is a less perjorative way of putting it. But what can you do? Still gotta get out there.

 

----

 

In the descriptions folks had of who they imagined me to be, it was actually helpful. One person said I was outspoken - and in person, I am really not. Frankly, until you get me talking shop, I sound like a bumpkin but I am trying to break the habit of leaving silence go to long... I personally have no problem with being quiet, but I know that a LOT of people really get put on edge when there isn't background noise or movement so I have also tried to make an effort to speak more. Part of the problem is that I think before I speak, which makes getting into rattle-off conversations difficult.

 

I wouldn't call myself handsome - I consider a person attractive in the general sense if they can walk into a room and inspire someone else to be bold enough to approach them. That's definitely not me. I am average enough - or was - in that people would happily have conversations with me and weren't constantly scanning the room for someone else to talk to.

 

Anyway, I guess I will just keep trying to remember to smile and to talk to people and be friendly. Maybe I'm just in the wrong crowds.

[annie24]

I guess one of the frustrating things that I have found is that I was more approachable and had more people talking to me when I was out of shape. :sad: And I'm not taking any nonsense to change my moods or whatever - it was a steady shift that as I got into better shape, I got less approachable. So this is not a chronic problem, but something that just sortof started around September. I started getting back into shape in June.

 

I think you might have morphed from "Sweet teddy bear" to "Oh crap, this guy could #(@& me up if he wanted to!" I think that your physical strength is great, and i personally love tall muscular men. but i can see how someone might find it a bit intimidating. maybe guys. but then you see guys who are football players or other athletes - they are big and muscular and have a ton of friends. i think that smiling has a lot to do with it.

[Capricorn3]

What is going on??? I don't understand. I have many male friends your size, and have not been intimidated by them because of their size. what situations are you getting into? do you have a temper problem?

I was thinking the same thing. I don't understand either. There is something else going on here and I highly doubt it has anything to do with your size at all. Indeed, there have been studies which show that taller men are far more popular than shorter guys, so if anything, your height would be a bonus to you. I can't help get the impression there is something else which is causing people to react to you the way you describe. You are projecting some sort of negative attitude one way or another as it it highly unlikely that literally everyone who crosses your path would feel this way if everything was above board and just fine (imo). The reason I say this is your most interesting comments of "I often find myself in situations where people are afraid of what I am going to do or say" and also you say you are "a bit out there". Those two comments tell me you are projecting a negative/intimidating vibe which makes people steer clear of you.

 

I could be wrong of course, but that's the overall impression I get from your post.

[Jacob216]

Thanks for the additional posts...

 

"Often" is not always, just a note.

 

There is certainly a bigger phenomenon here and ultimately I found that I had unintentionally fallen into the trap of people pleasing projects. The irony is this is really not connected with fitness - actually, trying to get fit has been one of the few things that I *HAVE* been doing for me.

 

I found these past few days I hit rock bottom in the sense that everything else that I have been doing - all summer long - has been for other people's benefit and trying to suit what they want and what their dreams are.

 

I think as the summer has drawn on these demands have wore down my energy level and my interest in dealing with people has also dropped. Recently I made the conscious decision to scale back my voluntary offerings and make plans that fulfill my desires and interests and promote my future. In saying 'no' to a lot of these external projects that others got me into, I have reclaimed some of my energy and peace of mind. While I can't say that has made me more approachable, it has made me less sensitive to the process.

 

Redlining, my expectations rose as did my sensitivity to things that are not usually what I would pay attention to.

 

And serving others is great - don't get me wrong - but we have to gauge our limits I guess. When my ambient comfort level suffers, I've obviously crossed an unhealthy emotional or mental fatigue line.

[steve200]

Not sure if i can help with my comments but this thing you said made me think:

 

''I guess one of the frustrating things that I have found is that I was more approachable and had more people talking to me when I was out of shape. And I'm not taking any nonsense to change my moods or whatever - it was a steady shift that as I got into better shape, I got less approachable. So this is not a chronic problem, but something that just sortof started around September. I started getting back into shape in June.

 

Even at the gym, folks at the counter were happy to see me there when I was out of shape, but once I made significant progress they wouldn't engage in conversation.

 

In my mind, that's not the way it works... when you get into shape, all the commercials say hey everyone will be happy for you and you'll suddenly have a better social life, sex life, whatever life. Doors open for you faster, babies want to kiss you - who knows its made-up but still... socially, getting into shape is supposed to be helpful. Well, not always.''

 

 

Well, i am not tall at all, however im good-looking only i am also very shy and reserved. Most of times i look down, i do not speak much to others and if i talk i dont initiate it. Only people dont think of me as being shy and since i look like i should behave populair they think im arrogant and that i hate people or such. In my college the people who look like standart shy-persons get treated good especially by girls, like a pity-talk. Nobody starts a conversation with me in my college, even if im just as quite as the standart shy-persons.

 

So i think that maybe it does not even matter how much you smile and what clothing you wear, people have a certain expectation of you how you should behave. Maybe they dont come and talk to you because they expect your not interested since your not the one initiating it?

Just a thought.