loveless.. alone.. and just fed up being strong..

[d3vanGeL]

Plain and simple..

 

My whole family has been..problematic to begin with. My grandma was schizophrenic, my dad has schizo-affective psychosis and I have been depressed most of my life; a price to pay for being the strong one enough to confront my father and his illness. My mother and brother depend on me for so much, my dad loves me to bits and he'd be devastated or dying if anything happened to me. I'm daddy's little girl, he's always tried to protect me but sometimes he had been so overprotective, clinging on to me for dear life, that I've never had a "normal" childhood. All I can remember is me being in front of the TV for the best of 10 years out of 18 trying to 'entertain' myself out of shear boredom or just escape reality. I have always envied even the simplest of girls, that had no worries on their shoulders. Who could make friends with everyone. Who were confident enough to go out and just enjoy life.

I haven't had a normal girlfriend-boyfriend relationship because I don't know anyone I have fallen in love with that would love me back as much. Not in high school, not in university, and certainly not now. I'm in love always with someone who has issues, or is not available or doesn't want to be in a relationship. I am nothing special, I never enjoyed being the centre of attention when with friends or groups of people, I've always hid behind a mask, an apathetic mask, being in the so called "friend zone" since I can remember. I have never felt wanted, or sexy, or had that feminine vibe that comes so natural to some girls. I just don't know how to be like that. I have always helped people around me, gave them whatever they needed to make them happy. Most after getting what they needed have walked out on me; some love me but "not in that way"... The ones that I looked up to anyway..

 

I just want to settle down with someone I love. Have a family and not die alone. Am I asking for too much?

 

I have known love recently. But with a person I can't have. He'll never "see me that way" because we are too good of friends. Actually best friends. I'm always there when he needs me, and he's always there when I need him. But all those emotions I have, I just want to burst into tears every time he mentions he wants to get back with his ex fiancée or when he asks me for advice about it. He is hurting and I know how it feels. She left him because she was unhappy. She saw me as a threat right from the start, had numerous fights about me. He cares about me so he supported my side as being his best friend. He knows I love him with all my heart, but he loves her with all of his. He keeps telling me to move on, but it's not that easy. He doesn't seem to be able to move on now that she's walked out on him. He's hanging on every last bit of hope of getting back together with her and I'm hanging on every last bit of hope that he'll feel differently about me. It's a never-ending cycle of misery and we don't know what to do.

I value our friendship more than these feelings though. We are best friends for a reason. There is a line between the friendship and my love for him and I try not to cross it. But the friendship and the love feed off each other. And I can't lose him as a friend, he can't afford the same either.. He's proved his devotion to our friendship by endlessly supporting me against the woman he is in love with. I respect, appreciate and feel obliged he did so. But when they broke up at some point, yes in all right, he blamed some of it on me. And I really never tried to get between them, I respected their relationship and tried to keep as much distance as I could. I can't and I won't apologise about how I feel about him. But sometimes I just can't stop the feelings of love, of guilt from taking over me. We have talked about this numerous times. I will always hope we have at least one chance at dating someday. He hasn't denied it will happen one day. But his ex fiancee was the love of his life as he is of mine, and because we are so alike and I know him as much as I know myself, he will never get over her, as I won't get over him. And some days it's killing me. Some I just go through life as apathetic as possible, not feeling the pain..denying it the pleasure to control my life. But some days I just can't be strong enough, it breaks me all up inside and I just want to cry. And I don't usually cry, even if I want to I just can't sometimes, no tears run down my face. And it would feel a lot better if they did.

 

I'm ranting.. I know this may not make much sense to some people. I don't know what help will posting this offer me. I'm not interested in empty words of fake compassion over the internet. But I'm hoping someone is listening, because I can't, I won't tell any of my best friends how I truly feel, other than him and he's part of the situation. He can't help it himself at the moment, let alone help me. He's all broken up and I hate seeing what losing her does to him. I want him to be happy and deep down I wish she never left him. It was better that way. I would've coped with my feelings as the years passed on. But now my heart feels that there is hope of us being together, even if I do want to move on. I'm tired of all this myself, I want to move on and be able to just be friends with him. I don't want to bring any of this between us, I want to keep our friendship. If he's not ready or doesn't want to be with me I won't force him. But it breaks my heart every time I see him sad and lonely, I want to comfort him and be the shoulder for him to cry on.

But he can't do the same for me. I have no-one to do that for me. I never confided my deepest feelings to anyone in person, I never felt comfortable to. I've always felt distanced, alone, had to learn to get by on my own. Never had any childhood friends that were with me all the way. I lost my best friend in high school; not dead lost, just walked out on me because my dad didn't approve of our friendship and because I guess she met other people that could show her a better time than I did. And from then on I was going from circle of friends to another. I never was the life of the party, just bored, apathetic and with nothing to say really. Just quiet, shy and socially avoidant sometimes. I've never been a "chit chat and shopping" kind of girl, weren't interested in hairstyles and cosmetics and jewellery when growing up. Well I couldn't find a look for myself, even if I had vast imagination and wanted to be a fashion designer. I just can't see how I can better myself sometimes. I had gained a lot of weight in high-school because of a thyroid problem that created all these problems with my self-image and social avoidance, and I guess is one of the reasons I had never been approached by boys my age at the time. I just want to change everything, go back and delete all my history. Start anew. Start confident. But I can't. This is the situation I am in right now and I can't get out of. I'm in deeply in love with my (literally) soul mate, the one person who ever understood me, ever known me for who I really am and accepted me flaws and all. I don't want to sound cheesy or mushy or clichéd but there's no other way to put it in words. We share a deep bond. It's not your typical "I've got a crush for someone who doesn't love me back". He loves and cares for me. But I know I will never be able to compete with the person he had in his life and has now left. I found her amazing myself. I could see what he saw in her. I aspired to be a girl as confident and "interesting" as she is.. I just feel I don't have a personality of my own, I never had a chance to develop it because of my childhood. Always being afraid to show how I feel, never felt free or confident. I know what I want to be like, I just don't know HOW to be that person. Even if the people closest to me say I'm a very caring, loving person and anyone would be proud to have me, I just can't stop asking myself why hasn't someone WANTED to be with me? What's wrong with me? Do I have to always make the first move? I don't want to make the first move, I want someone who loves me to do it for me even for just once. Show me that I am loved and I have hope for the future. Not just my family and relatives, who by the way would love you even if you were the worst person alive... I want that one person I have feelings for and who, in a room full of girls, will ask me to dance with. Will show that he wants to make me happy and no-one else.

Why can every other dumb 'blonde' have that but not me? Even girls that make boys' lives a living nightmare, even they get someone who chases after them and wants to be with them no matter how immature they are. Why not me? Am I too honest? Too careful? Too 'mature' for them to be with? Or are they like dogs and smell my fear when I approach them and just want to tear my life apart and walk out?...

I don't know if I need counselling or psychological support or even meds to keep my dopamine levels up or anti-depressants and all that * * * * . All I know is I never had anyone I have even the slightest attraction to, to come up to me and say 'You know, you're a great gal and I want to take you out'.

Yeah I'm a girl, I'm all emotional..whatever. I really am "one of the boys" when it comes to real life. I never felt comfortable socializing with girls and I think boys have it easy. It's all fun and games. Sports, gaming consoles, music. No arguing about nonsense. And even if they argue, a punch later they feel much better and get on with their lives. Girls just make your life a living hell if you go 'against' them. Or in any way threaten them. That's why I kept my distance. The people in my childhood, in my high school.. I've always been more mature, I always over-think about things. I just feel life would be simpler if I was just plain dumb and did silly things. All the superficial people I know have not faced any real pain. And when they whine it's just about bull * * * * .

These are the cards I've been handed. But I just want my happy ending. Because the beginning, the middle, the present.. have all been hell.

[quantumst8]

Hey, I'm alone, too. I'm sitting at home alone today, watching Love Actually by myself. So I feel ya. It is what it is.

[d3vanGeL]

Hey, I'm alone, too. I'm sitting at home alone today, watching Love Actually by myself. So I feel ya. It is what it is.

 

I hate chick flicks. But that one I respect just for the scene when the photographer confesses his love on the doorstep. And Liam Neeson's and Colin Firth's characters.

[quantumst8]

Great scene.

 

Personally, I'll take a chick flick any day over most of the plotless ADD action flicks they keep cranking out.

[d3vanGeL]

Great scene.

 

Personally, I'll take a chick flick any day over most of the plotless ADD action flicks they keep cranking out.

 

 

I'm more of a comedy or thriller kind of girl. Chick flicks bore me, and if anything I wouldn't watch an action film twice unless it's THAT good.

[quantumst8]

I like the older comedy flicks. Not into a lot of the stuff they've put out over the last decade. There are a couple exceptions, though.

[d3vanGeL]

I like the older comedy flicks. Not into a lot of the stuff they've put out over the last decade. There are a couple exceptions, though.

 

I've watched 2 seasons of Big Bang Theory and 2 seasons of True blood over the past 36 hours

[quantumst8]

That's a lot of seasons. I haven't seen either show.

[d3vanGeL]

That's a lot of seasons. I haven't seen either show.

 

Just wasting time.. don't know what else to do

[quantumst8]

Me neither. That's why I'm on here and watching DVD's.

[Mesemene]

Just wondering, how old is your brother? And have you considered, as a family, going to a support group for families dealing with psychological issues, to give them more to lean on than just you?

 

At a certain point, I'd hope some of this could be lifted from your shoulders and shared a bit. You DO deserve to live for you, as well as for your family. Your dedication is commendable - I just worry that it'll end up being a bit too much to handle one of these days.

 

You know, that may be part of the reason you've felt outside the rest at school and such - for one thing, the experiences are going to have "force grown" you, as far as maturity. After all, it's kind of hard to have much in common with girls who's biggest worry is saving enough allowance to get those kickass shoes when you're more concerned with your family and supporting them. And the amount of energy you're putting out may not leave you with a lot of energy left for you, or outside activities.

 

Though there's no way I can put myself in your position completely, I do sympathize, and can empathize a little, having been in a position where I had extra responsibility for family at an early age. Just nothing to the extent you're dealing with. I do hope you'll continue to post, and find some support or at least an outlet to voice some of your feelings, and maybe some ideas that certainly won't be a "fix," but might help, even if only a little.

[d3vanGeL]

Me neither. That's why I'm on here and watching DVD's.

 

life sucks most of the time.

[d3vanGeL]

Just wondering, how old is your brother...that certainly won't be a "fix," but might help, even if only a little.

 

My brother is 7 years younger than I am. I am living abroad now. I went to university and now I'm working and trying to support myself. I love them and we talk every day more than once. We are a very loving family despite our problems. My mother suffers in silence because she had to pretend everything was alright so we can function as a family, I'm the one who openly confronted my father about his problems and psychosis. He has been seeing a psychiatrist and receiving medical treatment ever since I can remember. My brother has been going to counselling to help with his learning difficulties and his overall problems with a child psychiatrist. I have not received any formal treatment even if I have spoken with my father's psychiatrist and he knows what I am like, what I face, and he understands that all the feelings I am having are brought on by circumstances, environmental factors, not my own psychological/neurological state (unlike my grandma and dad).

Yes, I did feel an outsider for all you mentioned.

I have gone to the point where I couldn't take any more. That's why I decided to put all this physical distance between us. I was suffocating. But I've never felt like distancing myself from them emotionally. I love them with all my heart and soul and would do anything for them. It's just now, the loneliness and all the emotional trouble I am in brings out all of the issues, like a cycle of experiences repeating themselves. Loving someone who doesn't feel the same, constant rejection, socialisolation and avoidance.. depression.. I just don't know how to bring myself out of all this. I have someone who loves me for who I am but doesn't want to be with me. And that's what's hurting me the most. Not being able to be happy. I have lost control of my feelings.

[greywolf]

How can you expect a man to love you and accept you as the woman you are, when you cannot accept the woman within? You're a female, and yes, you may be different than all the other females, but being a woman is not something to despise. The things you've said sound very bitter, and if you feel like acting silly and being dumb is what it takes to get men, then you must not think very highly of them, and can you see why they wouldn't be attracted to that?

[d3vanGeL]

How can you expect a man to love you and accept you as the woman you are, when you cannot accept the woman within? You're a female, and yes, you may be different than all the other females, but being a woman is not something to despise.

 

I don't despise being a woman. I hate not being able to express myself the way I want to, being confident and being who I want to be.

[greywolf]

I don't despise being a woman. I hate not being able to express myself the way I want to, being confident and being who I want to be.

 

I suppose that was a stronger word than I needed. But you come accross as very uncomfortable in your own skin and with who you are.

[d3vanGeL]

I suppose that was a stronger word than I needed. But you come accross as very uncomfortable in your own skin and with who you are.

 

I am. Most of the time. Like I mentioned, putting on all that weight in high-school really ruined my self-image to this day. I've lost some of that weight but I'm left with all these stretch marks that make me feel even worse about my appearance. I have never gone swimming with classmates from age 14 onwards. I have not felt comfortable in shorts or sleeveless tops.. I have not felt comfortable in any way with how I look, for a long time now. And now I'm on my own I try to change all that. I try to find the image I aspire to. But no matter all the superficial looks, I can't change who I am and how I feel inside. I will always be uncomfortable, insecure.. I can't change who I am no matter how many 'steps' I take, or 'goals' I set for myself. I end up either not being motivated enough to achieve them or just not strong enough. I tried to be strong and take care of everyone else, I've forgotten how to do the same for myself. I just want to give up.