Not sure what to do

[msheimer]

Hi all, I've found myself in a situation that is really troubling me and I'd greatly appreciate any help on it. I'm a senior in college and I'm very interested in someone. I have known her since middle school, so we have a pretty long history of being friends. We go to the same college and live very close by, so we have been hanging out a lot. Recently, it has become more than just friends. We started hooking up about two months ago (not sex, just kissing and slight fooling around) and gradually I have become more and more interested in her. We get along great. We make each other laugh all the time and its never a dull moment. We will talk for hours and not get bored. In the past few weeks I have approached her and asked if she wanted a relationship. She agreed to go on a date, but told me she "cant" have a relationship right now. I asked why, but she said she didn't want to talk about it.

 

That was fine. I grew up with sisters, I understand the importance of respecting girls and their decisions. However, she did tell me she was very interested in me so I didn't give up the hope that a relationship might happen. We are very open with each other, and recently she was telling me about some things that were bothering her. Namely that, at some point in the last year or two, she had a very uncomfortable and unwanted experience with someone. She is also stressed because, in addition to me, there are a couple other guys asking her out too. She told me flat out that she was interested in me and liked me the best, and that she hadn't turned down the other guys yet because she is afraid of disappointing people. But she maintained that, even though she was very interested in me, she still couldn't have a relationship just yet.

 

I've always been very nice to women, regardless. I have a lot of friends that are girls and I get along well with them. I've only ever had one relationship and that was a very informal 4 month relationship when I was 15, so I have little to no practical relationship experience. But I am enamored with this girl, we have been hanging out almost every day for the past month, we text frequently, and we have become very close. I've been making personal sacrifices (time, sleep, money, etc.) and go out of my way to help her, normal stuff guys do when dating I assume, but we aren't in a relationship. I'm very understanding and supportive, and I drop whatever I'm doing when she wants to hang out. When she talks about her problems to me, especially in regards to private matters like the guys pressuring her for a date or other issues, I always try to give the best advice I can, but mainly I just try to be a good listener for her when she needs to vent. Despite the fact that she doesn't want a relationship just yet and that she has a few guys chasing after her, she continues to show affection for me. I have told her on several occasions that I don't mind waiting for her to be ready for a relationship, because I do really care about her. On these occasions, she tells me that I'm one of the nicest guys she's met, that she is thankful of how supportive and understanding I am, and that she is also interested in me romantically.

 

Lately its been getting hard for me. I am I generally happy guy and I'm always optimistic, and I've just been feeling sick inside for the past two weeks. Even though I don't understand the exact reason why she "cant" have a relationship, I respect her and I never push the issue...I have already told her how I feel about her and that I really want a relationship with her, beyond that its not my place to put pressure on her to make a decision. I have been hoping and waiting that sometime soon she would be ready, and the fact that I know she has a romantic interest in me has kept me motivated. But its hard to stay optimistic when I feel like I'm falling apart inside. Even though we are still hanging out often and get along so well, I feel that I'm doing something wrong and that's the reason she's not willing to be in a relationship. I respect her and what she wants, and I will continue to, but I'm just feeling terrible.

 

Sorry for the long post...I really appreciate it if you were able to get through that whole thing. I'm just pretty stressed and distraught over the whole thing...like I said before, I have little to no experience with this kind of stuff but the last thing I want to do is put more pressure on her by telling her how torn up I feel. She is under so much pressure already she doesn't deserve more from me. I'd be so thankful for any advice about this.

[Mesemene]

If she's affirming her romantic interest without you asking her, the only decision you really have to make is how long you're willing to give her.

 

The little you know/told us here leads me to believe someone tried to pressure her, perhaps physically - and two months isn't really that long to start building trust after feeling betrayed by someone she trusted before.

 

Normally, under typical circumstances I'd think "biding her time for options" but really, from what you're saying, it's not coming accross that way. It sounds like she really DOES need the time and patience from you. And I don't know if you have been, but allowing her to initiate a decent amount of your interaction and dates may help her feel a bit more control over the situation.

[nabeerockz]

ive been in this situation b4 and I wat did was, I gave her the space she wanted... BUT.. I still kept on hanging out with her...... Bcuz there is still a chance that she'll develop feelings of the other guys that are chasing her.... You should still keep her

close and hopefully you'll end up being a good couple