Complicated

[MarkS822]

Hello everyone,

 

Forgive me, since I have not read most of the posts in the forum. I'm sure there are many on my topic I'm about to explain.

 

I'll give a shortened version of my situation:

 

I've been single for about a month now. I broke up with my girlfriend of two years. Great girl but short-tempered. I couldn't handle it anymore. Anyway, since then I've been interested in a few girls here and there. Until, one night I was purusing Facebook and noticed a girl, whom I work with (but never see lol), posted a music video. It was Drake's "Marvins Room" (if you're familiar) where he basically is saying to a girl "you can do better". Anyway, I e-mailed her the song being that she told me she couldn't find it anywhere.

 

She messaged me back saying how it seems we have a lot in common these days. Turns out she is having some issues with her current boyfriend whom she lives with. Anyway, I extended my help and told her if she ever needed to talk, to hit me up. Well, she did.

 

One day, after work, we went out to dinner. Just us to a local place near our work where we coincidentally ran into some of our coworkers. She laughed, and said, "Oh I don't even care if anyone knows." I loved that answer! lol To me it was sort of a compliment in a way because she is so beautiful. Anyway, we sat and talked. I asked her what was going on in her relationship. She was telling me that her boyfriend has been treating her poorly, calling her a * * * * * every once in a while, all he does is smoke weed, doesn't want to go out on the town with her as much. Essentially, they've been really seemingly detached lately.

 

She's 29 and I'm 26. So, I asked her if marriage has been brought up. She said if he had asked 7 or 8 months ago, she would've been the happiest girl in the world, but being that things have been pretty bad lately, she wouldn't as of today. She also said that he is really hesitant to committ to that constantly saying he'd do it when he's ready. I asked her if she would like to have kids, to which she said "Yeah, lots!" However, I replied by asking if she would like it if their kids came home one day and daddy was high? She told me she wouldn't appreciate that. Basically, she feels like he doesn't care about her as much anymore, he doesn't encourage her to do things shes interested in, and doesn't express himself in ways that she does on a regular basis, like leave him cute little notes around the house.

 

Now, during this conversation, we were also flirting with one another. She told me how she loves to cook, how she makes a great dish, and how she should bring me in some for lunch one day. I mentioned how my nephew is real talented at football and how she should come check him out sometime, to which she said she would love to. She also mentioned how she may be scared of being alone if she was to break it off with him and how she wouldn't be able to afford to live on her own. I told her, if she were to be single, she should give me a call sometime. She gave me a playful "why?" and I said because I'd be interested in seeing you. She was also going into detail about her family, telling me how I'd like them, and asking me about mine. She asked me how far I lived from work. That was an odd question to me. I wasn't sure what to make of it. Regardless, there was some flirting. She told me I'm like a piece of meat at work to alot of women and a lot of them think I'm "hot".

 

We ended up talking for about a little more than 3 hours. At the end of the night, she told me how much she would love to do this again and how "we shouldn't do this every week, but how about every other week?". I also gave her my number but told her it was because I wanted her to have it in case she had no one else to rant to, as she told me her friends have been hearing it for a while. We walked out, I walked her to her car, we hugged and she kissed me on my cheek and that was that.

 

Since then we've been talking just a bit more than usual via work e-mail. I didn't e-mail her today just to see if she would, which she did towards the end of the day. I've been trying hard not to text her, and I haven't really. Although I did tonight knowing she was going to her HS reunion alone and I just wanted her to know that I was thinking of her so I told her to "Have a nice and relaxing weekend!" She replied but we both kind of kept it short. I'm going to go the rest of the time not intiating contact and seeing what she does. She did ask me if I would mind getting "drunk texts" from her. lol

 

I didn't include everything. I'm sure I'm missing a lot of info but, thats essentially it. I've known this girl for 3 years, she is drop dead gorgeous, genuine, and has a real positive vibe. I'd love a chance to date her, but she's taken and I have to respect that. However, I'm certain she's interested in me. I just dont know what to do. Anyone have any advice for me?

 

I'd appreciate anything. Thanks!!!

[Mesemene]

I'd be very, very, did I say VERY careful here.

 

There are so many things that could go wrong in this situation. If you're ok with just being friends, by all means, keep in touch, but nix the flirting - even tell her that you respect that she's in a relationship, and you don't want to cross any lines.

 

If you're looking for more - be cautious. You don't want to be an affair, or her guilty little secret, and you don't want to be a rebound straight out of the relationship she's in, either. So I'd maintain a very respectable distance. If you want to make sure it's clear and not hurt her, I've always maintained it's best to be honest. "Hey Jenny, I think you're a great girl, but I'm really attracted to you, and if I'd ever have the chance to act on that, I wouldn't want it to be a fling or rebound. I respect you more than that. If you decide after a lot of thinking that "you can do better" let me know, and if I'm still available, I'd love to see you. But since I am attracted, I don't think it's appropriate we see much of each other for now."

[meoww]

I'd hang back unless she breaks it off with her boyfriend. If she is so dissatisfied with him, you'd think she would have broken up with him sooner. To be honest this girl sounds like trouble, or at the very least immature. You don't want to deal with that in a serious relationship.

[catfeeder]

You're setting both the girl and yourself up badly. You're positioning her to demo disloyalty and yourself to witness it--and that sets up anything that happens between you, even if she dumps the BF, on a foundation of "how long will this last, and how long before she's complaining about me to some other guy to put him on deck?"

 

If you really see potential in this girl, I'd rethink what you're doing. I'd tell her you adore her and want to back off while you still think highly of her so she can tend to her old business. If she's ever free and clear and completely over the BF she knows how to reach you, and if you're still available then you'll meet to catch up. Otherwise, you can keep playing this out, but don't be surprised if what you 'win' from this is a case of stomach acid and a crimp in your neck from always looking over your own shoulder.

[MarkS822]

I really, really appreciate the feed back. So, thank you three VERY much.

 

I'm a School Psych, so one of my strengths is my overall awareness of things/situations. I agree with almost everything all three of you have stated. What I think happened was that I got extremely caught up in that one dinner we had. It went so well, that I saw a lot of potential. However, the sobering fact remains that she IS in a relationship, even though she does seem to be having a difficult time currently. I need to respect that fact and back off, which I will. I'm also planning on being honest with her IF she wants to do dinner again, like she said she would. Although, I have a feeling she won't follow through with the next dinner, which is fine with me. Takes less pressure of her and I and allows me to just keep going with myself.

 

However, I certainly would never think of her in a negative fashion due to having dinner with me and being, at least to me, a little flirtacious. What you're getting is my perception of the dinner. To her, or if any of you witnessed it, you probably would have seen it differently. Looking back, I certainly was being more flirtacious than her, which was a mistake on my part and wasn't fair to her. So, I think I'm going to apologize, tell her where my feelings are currently at, and wish her the very best. In the end, I hope she leaves him or they can at least communicate and he can grow up a little for her. She is a wonderful woman, very caring, selfless, and intelligent. She deserves better and if he can't give it to her, I hope she takes a chance and tries to find someone who can support her. Although, this is another reason why I'm infactuated with her, because I KNOW I can make her happy and provide for her the way she would want and need.

 

I'll just have to wait and hope for the best for her.

 

Any further thoughts? I'd love to hear them.

[MarkS822]

Update:

 

After holding back and not speaking to her very much, she e-mailed me the other day. She asked how things were going and also said she would love to do dinner again. With more of a unshakeable stance, I accepted being that I know we are just friends. Thats the way it'll stand after dinner as well.

 

I'm still holding out hope she ends things with her current partner, but I can't count on that. I have other interests now as well. I'm not planning on telling her that, but I'm certainly not going to sit around and wait for her.

 

Again, thanks for the help to those who provided it!