im sandra dee Posted September 30, 2011 Share Posted September 30, 2011 I connected with someone new from an online dating website yesterday. He called me last night. During our conversation, he made this statement: "when I see something I like, I take it" AND he also said that if he likes me, I will have a hard time fighting him off (or words to that effect) AND he claimed that I intrigue him. He asked me out for coffee this weekend. I don't know if I should go. I don't know if he'll respect my boundaries: no kissing on the first meet. He already mentioned on the phone that he likes kissing. It was our second phone call. If he attempts to kiss me and I like him, how will I "fight him off"? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fudgie Posted September 30, 2011 Share Posted September 30, 2011 Uhm, just tell him your boundaries? I'm curious as to why you're setting up these boundaries now when just last week or so, you meeting up with random guys for sex. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stay_home Posted September 30, 2011 Share Posted September 30, 2011 Just be on guard and don't do stray beyond your comfort zone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tiredofvampires Posted September 30, 2011 Share Posted September 30, 2011 I know you're pretty new to this, Sandra. So one thing to bear in mind in this is that at first everything and everyone who responds to you on a dating site who seems remotely attractive and eager seems like someone to consider. Having been down the online dating route before, I can tell you that this is a little like shopping (which I actually hate) and jumping on the first thing that you see, without taking your time to gradually feel out the market. After a few months in the "game," I couldn't believe how I jumped at a couple of early opportunities given what I learned later about what constitutes an actual viable candidate -- someone respectful, serious but not overbearing, had manners, was open but not hurried, etc. The kind of things this guy has said to you raise some unbelievably huge red flags to me, and while I would have been naively flattered eons ago with that, I know better now to notice my innate discomfort and follow that. A man should not be advertising how aggressive he is at the get-go (that only gets worse) and the word "intrigue" is just about the most ridiculously cliched rubbish out there. Everyone responds because they're intrigued by someone -- only players use that as a complimentary word to hook someone. His reference to kissing at this early date, before even chatting and getting acquainted, given your boundaries (which are proper and appropriate) should register with you the same way it would if you went to a clothing store and said, "I want something with basic classic lines, in basic black" and they said, "how 'bout this?" and brought out a strapless hot pink number with a sequined slit. There are a LOT of scumbags on the internet, many of whom will be on the prowl to bed you -- and you've had some problems being discriminating so far, just in real life encounters. So please be aware that this is going to up the ante considerably on your opportunities to date as many wrong men as a woman could possibly dream of raking in; so how quickly you learn to say "no thank you" and walk away from something that doesn't seem right before problems arise is a skill you'll need to hone. I sense from your posts and threads that you are very disconnected from your own sense of intuition, and need to develop this. Instead of asking posters with each new date how you will handle this gentleman or that, first ask yourself: how is this making me feel? How does it make me feel that a guy would say right off the bat that I'd have to "fight him off"? What comes up for you with that? Can you start learning to trust those impressions? I feel that you don't trust yourself and your ability to gauge another person, and this is very important in every stage of a relationship. This is key in your starting to learn what to be looking for. Someone being interested in you is not enough. You have to start in with someone who doesn't make you right away feel a sense of foreboding and pressure. Even without that element, it's still hard to gauge someone's intentions and personality, but some things should jump out at you as right off the bat automatic rejects. This would be one of them, imo. For starters, it can be this simple: I need to feel good about him and at ease from our earliest conversations. If not -- NEXT. If you're going to shop, you need to learn how to weed out, based on a few basic criteria, and making you feel good vs. uncomfortable is a terrific one to begin with. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Day_Walker Posted September 30, 2011 Share Posted September 30, 2011 I dont see a reason to cancel the date, but you should be firm if those are your boundaries. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tiredofvampires Posted September 30, 2011 Share Posted September 30, 2011 You have to understand that if you go into a date feeling that boundaries will require an arduous enforcement agenda -- you're already up s creek with a dude. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lavenderdove Posted September 30, 2011 Share Posted September 30, 2011 Absolutely not... do not meet this guy... what does he mean, he'll rape you if he meets you? And if he's had this conversation with you first and has recorded it or has it in email/text, he can always say after that fact that you agreeing to meet him was agreeing to the sex act since he had already told you what he expected and you agreed to hooking up with him knowing he intended to come at your forcibly. So he could easily defend himself against a date rape allegation should you lodge a complaint against it. The way he talks is extremely aggressive and scary. Normal men don't talk this way to people they hardly know. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
capilot Posted October 1, 2011 Share Posted October 1, 2011 "when I see something I like, I take it" etc. I see two possibilities: a) He's trying to impress you with how much of a manly man he is, and is clueless to how he actually comes accross, or b) He really is a psychopath. I think it's probably a), but neither sounds like a very good prospect to me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Allipie Posted October 1, 2011 Share Posted October 1, 2011 i had a guy say those exact same words to me one time.....and he turned out to be a total psycho. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wager Posted October 1, 2011 Share Posted October 1, 2011 You have to understand that if you go into a date feeling that boundaries will require an arduous enforcement agenda -- you're already up s creek with a dude. Ding, ding, ding. Those lines are not cute, they are creepy, and telling. Run far, run fast. Wager Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fudgie Posted October 1, 2011 Share Posted October 1, 2011 I forgot to mention this in my first post but yes, his words rub me the wrong way. In a kind of....creepy, rapist-y sort of way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mesemene Posted October 1, 2011 Share Posted October 1, 2011 he also said that if he likes me, I will have a hard time fighting him off (or words to that effect) He's either trying to come accross as manly and confident, or he's a guy who won't listen to that simple word, "No." If you do decide to meet him, follow all the guidelines for a first meet: 1. Choose a VERY public place that you're familiar with and is relatively casual (coffee shop, sports bar - no or little alcohol.) 2. Take your own vehicle. 3. Don't stay out til the crowd gets thin - make sure there's people around you. 4. Park somewhere well-lit, close to where you're meeting, in a parking lot that has a lot of in-out traffic. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
im sandra dee Posted October 1, 2011 Author Share Posted October 1, 2011 Fudgie, I created new boundaries because I no longer want sex with random guys. tiredofvampires, I have a gut feeling about this man. I feel as though he doesn't respect women. He talked about other women that he has met from the site and I didn't like what he had to say about them. If only he knew what I had done recently with men I hardly know, then he'd throw me in the same category as those women and I don't like how that feels. He made me feel like trash. I'm not trash. A woman seeking a casual sexual encounter is not trash. Why is it when men look for sex, it's ok but when a woman wants it, she's trash? Some men need to learn respect for all women no matter what their sexual drives are. lavenderdove, it is extremely aggressive and even if I gave him the benefit of the doubt -- if he didn't mean that he'd force himself on me, still, he sounds too aggressive for me. I need a man who will not pressure me and take his time so I can see what kind of man he is and to see what kind of style he has and if it matches mine -- I figure if he is aggressive about kissing then he would be probably be aggressive about sex and I just don't see how it would work between us. We seem to be a mismatch just based on that one statement he made. capilot, he comes accross as a man who has a few issues and quite frankly I can't be the woman who is gonna put up with it. He seemed creepy to me. I needed a sounding board. Thanks for the advice. My gut was telling me to not meet him. Before we got off the phone last night, he asked me to call him or text him. I have no desire to call him or text him and the very fact that he told me to call him or text him gives me the impression that I am just a conquest. If he were genuinely interested and respected me then he would make a plan to call me on Sunday when we're supposed to get together for our coffee date. Luckily, we hadn't set a time or decided on a location, so we don't have a set plan to meet. All I have to do is not call him and not respond should he contact me. That should take care of that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted October 1, 2011 Share Posted October 1, 2011 I agree that you should not contact him or meet him because he is not someone who is looking for a healthy, or potentially long term ,relationship. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mesemene Posted October 1, 2011 Share Posted October 1, 2011 He seemed creepy to me. I needed a sounding board. Thanks for the advice. My gut was telling me to not meet him. Yup, too many guys out there who won't give off the creep-factor to take a chance on this one - this is when you say "next!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wager Posted October 1, 2011 Share Posted October 1, 2011 Good on you. As much as his 'lines' made me snicker at his approach to wooing, I was genuinely worried lest he turn out to be worse than a mere moron. Glad you made a safe choice. Best of luck to you finding someone who is worth your time. Wager Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
im sandra dee Posted October 1, 2011 Author Share Posted October 1, 2011 Even if a guy doesn't give off the creep-factor and he sounds totally normal, I would not agree to meet him if he shows any disrespect for women. Another man I spoke to yesterday sounded fine (i.e. not creepy) yet he made a comment that he doesn't date women from our city because they are "(insert-the-name-of-the-city-I-live-in) trash". Because he seemed ok at first, I agreed to meet him but after some thought I decided to cancel. Again, I like sex, have had casual sex, but that does not make me trash. I would like a committed relationship because I want only one partner who will agree to STD testing and avoid pregnancy and whose sexual drive won't be a mismatch with mine and he should have other attributes that are important (some of which I'm still thinking about) but at least I have starting criteria. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted October 1, 2011 Share Posted October 1, 2011 he also said that if he likes me, I will have a hard time fighting him off (or words to that effect) that's a red flag for me - sounds like he's telling you he's going to sexually assault or rape you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted October 1, 2011 Share Posted October 1, 2011 good for you for deciding not to meet him! i think that's a good decision. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mauxly Posted October 1, 2011 Share Posted October 1, 2011 Yeah, I have to side with the folks who say pass on this one. My Ikometer is off the charts. Did he happen to list date rape as one of his hobbies? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BellaDonna Posted October 1, 2011 Share Posted October 1, 2011 he also said that if he likes me, I will have a hard time fighting him off (or words to that effect) Sounds like a mental case or at the very least, someone with very little social intelligence. Who says such a thing??? Even if you give him the benefit of the doubt (maybe he is cocky, trying to be tough, or his tone over the internet is easy to misinterpert...etc) It is still a red flag that he would try to put himself in a more powerful position than you from the start. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
im sandra dee Posted October 1, 2011 Author Share Posted October 1, 2011 I'm gonna forget this guy. Like someone said "Next".......... and already I've connected with someone new........ tonight I talked on the phone with a different man and there were no red flags. He's 49, we talked and found some things in common and he asked me out for a coffee and get this, he asked me out for coffee in Italian, how romantic.... (we're both Italian)......... this one has potential Thanks to everyone who offered advice and constructive criticism..............I'm on the road to a better destination............... after hitting a few bumps along the way, lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chitown9 Posted October 1, 2011 Share Posted October 1, 2011 I can sense that you are gaining more self esteem over the period of time you have been posting, and that is a good thing! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ariel85 Posted October 1, 2011 Share Posted October 1, 2011 See, you're already in trouble, because a guy who is legitimately looking for a relationship and respects you, isn't talking like this on a first phone call. You're worried about having boundaries in person, because you're lacking them in the pre-date phase. Like I said on your other thread, your first mistake continues to be picking the wrong men from the start. Until you learn to discard guys like this from the get-go, you'll continue to struggle with everything that comes after meeting in person. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blackhawks1287 Posted October 1, 2011 Share Posted October 1, 2011 he asked me out for coffee in Italian, how romantic.... (we're both Italian)......... this one has potential Be happy and optimistic, but don't get all gooey because of this. I have done it with spanish, italian, and polish as a means of that impressive factor. Just play it by year and don't be too giddy and smitten about it. Enjoy yourself and have fun, and we are happy and glad to see you getting yourself back out there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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