Is it possible we'll get back together?

[ShortandSweet8]

I'm new to this, but I'll try to keep this short and simple.

 

I was in a relationship for 2 1/2 years. He's 28 and I'm 26. We were the perfect couple for the first year (I know, I know, honeymoon phase). But really, I felt like I'd known this person all my life and he was my best friend (and he felt the same). We both had said that we'd found the one, that this was it and we were happy. After the first year, he became really depressed because of his own issues (job stress, deaths in the family) and changed towards me. He stopped communicating with me, and I became pushy and demanding because I didn't understand why he wasn't communicating with me. This went on into a downward spiral of resentment for both of us. I don't think either one of us understood ourselves at the time and that he was depressed and I'd become codepenendent. So eventually, as much as we loved and cared for each other, it ended.

 

When it ended, he ended up jumping into a rebound relationship immediately after with a girl who is 21. I was extremely upset for the first few weeks, of course sent a few texts and emails saying how much I missed him. He responded with an email and said that this was hard for him too, that he still loved me and missed me and wished we could talk and hang out like nothing ever happened but that he hopes I don't hate him for when it is time for us to talk again. I had asked if I was wasting my time missing him and he said he didn't want to lead me on, but if he thought I was wasting my time he'd tell me. He said that we just weren't working, and to leave it at that for now, that he truly thinks everything happens the way its supposed to. He said he just wasn't ready to talk about anything yet, and that when he was ready to talk he'd contact me. I left it at that and haven't contacted him since. That was 2 months ago.

 

In the meantime, I've been doing all the things you're supposed to. I've looked at myself in the relationship and all the things that I could have handled differently, examined my issues that made me codependent and feel like I've gotten myself back. I also lost 30 lbs and look and feel AMAZING thanks to getting into the hobby of cooking and getting back into running and working out. All positives for me. But I've never lost hope that we would talk again. I feel like I've changed a lot about myself and if he has worked through some of his issues, we could work (but he has to have figured himself out too).

 

So we haven't seen each other in almost 4 months, and now haven't spoken in almost 2 months. I ran into him at the gym for the first time last week. I went over and said hello, and we talked for 10 mins. He just stared at me the whole time! We kept the conversation light, just talked about how I've changed and things I've been doing. He just kept staring, and said "wow, you just seem so, different, and happy". Finally, I decided I needed to end the conversation, and when I went to walk away he said "Can I have a hug?" So I did... and he said I looked fantastic. I did not contact him after that.

 

3 days later, his old roommate calls me (who is not the brightest). His roommate bought his own house and has 2 roommates of his own now and works with my ex. He calls to ask what my living situation is like because his roommate "may" be moving out in December. I said I was good, but I'd spread the word incase I knew anyone. Then he proceeds to bring up that my ex came over to his desk at work the day after he ran into me and was going on and on about me and how great I looked. He said that my ex was "flabbergasted"! Haha. He also told me that no one likes this new girl he's dating, and that she's "crazy" and that my ex is finally starting to realize it. I didn't say anything bad, just said that I wasn't mad about our breakup and that everything happens for a reason and I'm a much different person now and I'm doing well.

 

I haven't heard anything since. That was almost a week ago. I'm just wondering, how likely is it that my ex will contact me? I thought maybe he would have sooner, but definitely thought it was super odd that his old roommate called and brought all that up, and now nothing. I'm ok if we never get back together, but at the end of the day my ideal situation is to have my relationship with my best friend back. What's your analysis?

[NoDice]

There is really no way to tell, these things involve time which could be days, weeks, hours or months. I wouldn't pay much mind to what the roomate said, take it for what it is but just act indifferent. He(your ex) could be keeping you on the back burner, which is not fun as I am still healing from being someones 2nd chance emotional doormat. I suggest you continue focusing on yourself, if it makes you feel better and you still want to reconcile, look in the mirror and say to yourself "he is going to have to really work for this". Its not a mind game but I failed to make my ex work for me really, in the end its better to see them sweat a bit and get a healthy push/pull in the beginning than to let your guard down only to be anihilated. Keep calm, focus on yourself, and if and when he is ready he will contact you but be ready.

[endy]

The chances are good. Just keep NC and let him say what he needs to say. Let him lay in the crap he created for himself. The issue I have here is... Did you do this for you or to get him back? Honestly, I don't see why you would want him back. If you look so good why not start fresh with someone else? I would personally give yourself some more time to heal and move on. 4 months isn't that long. I'm 6 months and probably 90-95% over my ex.

 

The more important thing is that you realized you had a codependency issue. People don't become codependent, once you are, you are. It needs to be constantly monitored. What really bothers me are his actions. He rebounded which is not healthy. What that adds to a reconciliation process is well more baggage. Because if he does come back he's not going to grieve that relationship. It still needs to be grieved IMO. True love can overcome anything IMO, but that takes tons of work. Love for one person, if it's not mutal will not work.

 

So in summary what was added to him already breaking mutual trust, you knowing that he could leave again subconciously... it's a lot to work through. It has to be mutual when you do decide to work through it. What I would do if he does come back... take your time. Make sure it's what you want in a husband. Look at his pro's and con's.

 

Write out a list, write everything good and everything bad. See if that's what you want in a relationship. Don't ever settle for less. Honestly it seems to me like you deserve better. And honestly there WILL be someone else that comes along that you love just as much as him.

 

Reconciliation is a lot of work. It's not a walk in the park. You have a lot to overcome and a lot of hurdles in your mind that you don't see right now. There are skeletons in the closet. They WILL come out. Then how they are dealt with will greatly effect the relationship.

[SethSLC]

Don't change a thing about what you're doing because it is working for YOU.

 

Don't worry or think about him or what might be going on in his head and try and re-double your efforts on yourself.

[Mesemene]

Couldn't have said it better.

[ShortandSweet8]

Thanks for your response. The diet/losing 30 lbs I did for myself. Ironically enough, I started it memorial day weekend when I found out I was insulin resistant (pre-diabetic) due to another medical issue. Plus, I had major knee surgery in January and only began being able to run again in July. So it was a combination of things, but when we broke up I just got really into the nutrition and cooking to occupy my time, and really began to enjoy it! I'm not a big person, I'm only 5'2" and I was a size 10 and now I'm a size 4. So 30 lbs on me is a lot! Main thing is, I FEEL better, have more energy, etc. So that was definitely for me. I liked the added benefit though... haha.

 

Also, the changes in myself, like the codependency issues, I did for myself mostly. I just realized a lot of patterns in behaviors I did and I wanted to at least try and learn something to make myself a better person. Which I feel like I definitely did. And I will have to constantly work on myself in future relationships to make sure I don't fall into those patterns again. I realized that it didn't matter if it was him or anyone else, I needed this to happen for me to work on myself and realize what I was doing to sabotage relationships. I also realize, as much as this rebound situation sucks, if he didn't rebound, we would've ended up sliding back into our old self destructive ways. So, I'm kind of at peace with everything that's happened and I realize what's meant to be will be. I just need to live my life and make myself happy.

 

However, that's still hard because I do still miss him and care about him a lot. And you're absolutely right, he needs to work through his crap and I'd have to be able to try and trust him again because of the fact that he did, indeed, leave me to date someone else.

 

I guess I just wanted to know if it seems possible that he would come back. I just figured if he was going to, he probably would've contacted me within a few days of seeing me. Now its been a week (except his old roommate contacting me randomly, which is weird in itself). I've dated some guys casually but, it's difficult.

[playstheblues]

oh short and sweet - you seem to be doing so well for yourself! I know, it is ridiculously hard not to think about the option of reconciliation- isn't it?! I am wanting reconciliation too, but am not doing as well as you are doing- I hope to be so in a couple of months time but I'm coming out of an 8 month relationship so it could well take a lot more time.

 

So in summary what was added to him already breaking mutual trust, you knowing that he could leave again subconciously... it's a lot to work through. It has to be mutual when you do decide to work through it. What I would do if he does come back... take your time. Make sure it's what you want in a husband. Look at his pro's and con's.

 

This is so true- it is a lot to work through and I guess you have to assess if you do want him and want his qualities for the long term. I had already decided I did want my partner as my husband ( we were engaged) but this whole break up throws up some pretty big trust issues, doesn't it...?!

 

The problem for you is that no matter how much everyone else thinks his new girlfriend is crazy, he is still with her. In this situation, he has all the power (damn him!) because he has made the decision to be with this new girl. Unfortunately, until he realises that she is crazy (which he may or may not do) he has still placed his priorities with her and not with you. That is so very hard to take, I would imagine. But you sound like you are doing ok at the moment, so keep doing more of the same. And don't beat yourself up about thinking about the prospect of reconciliation, I think it's entirely normal. Try as best you can though, to think about the situation as if one of your friends was in this position and you were giving your friend some advice - sometimes that helps with perspective. I hope you continue to heal.

[endy]

Is it possible... I believe it's very possible. The rebound situation is never good. That means he may come back, but you need to seriously question his intentions. Why NOW that you look better he wants you back? * * * is that? It's not love. Why was he unwilling to work through it before but jump to someone else etc?

 

I think the chances are good he will come back, but I don't think that it's the wisest decision for you is what I'm saying. If he works through and grieves the rebound on his own... without you telling him it needs to happen for you to be together again... you may give it a chance.

 

With that said, he has to own his issues. He has to begin working on them. Remember, people can tell you they can change... but actions speak louder than words.

 

I always defined reconciliation as this... A suspension of hostilities. An armed truce for the purpose of digging up the dead.

 

Those arms need to be able to be dropped permanently. NOT an easy thing to do, and it needs to be done by both people. You change, if you want reconciliation, IMO make sure he changed too.

[ShortandSweet8]

Thanks everyone for the responses. I think you're right, and that even though I still care about him, I think I definitely came out on top. I'm the one that is working on myself and trying to become a better person. He just jumped into something with someone else and never worked on himself, and after all the crap I've gone through why would I want him back when nothings changed except me? It hurts a lot, but I'm a strong person and I'll survive. Wasn't the first guy to break my heart but hopefully will be the last! I think there's got to be something much better in my future. Thanks again =)

[MarnDark]

Hey ShortandSweet,

 

How many relationships have you guys had before? I guess I find myself in a similar situation with my ex except we are younger. (Me:21 Her:20). She is my 2nd love, I am her 1st. After 1.5 years together, she had a typical case of Grass is Greener and no particular reason to break up expect for the fact that she just grew out of the relationship. I'm only a month after the BU. After 3 weeks she started another relationship. She met the guy the week she broke up with me. So, instead of grieving she was being chased by a this guy and basically had someone to fill the void that I left behind. She had the excitement of a new guy and never took time for herself. It is pretty selfish if you ask me but she is just looking out for herself. I have been working on myself, making plans and goals for the future. I have grown a lot and feel that I will be much better of for this time alone.

 

Of course, I still care about her so much and am still hoping for us to reconcile one day. It truly is such a hard idea to let go of, especially when you don't believe the break up was caused by one specific reason. I do not want to feel like this. I don't want to want her. I wake up every morning and I think about her and the guy and it absolutely stings. I wish I could just erase her memory. There is still a whole school year for me to go here. I think the chances of you hearing from him and me hearing from her are quite likely, but I am not sure in what capacity it will be. Everyone tells us that we should not take them back, I want to believe them, I truly do. But if they come back it will be one hell of a decision to make. I just hope, if that opportunity arise, that we make the best decision for our hearts and well being.