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Hey everyone, new poster here. Hoping some of you all can just share some thoughts on my situation and perhaps help me out a bit. And I apologize in advance for the long first post, but I just feel like I need to get this off my chest.


To start, I have been doing a karate class now for over 2 and a half years now, and there is a girl there that I have been taking the class with since I started. Over time I have developed feelings for her big time. At first I never really approached her until she asked me out to lunch randomly earlier this year and to her birthday dinner (during this time she had a boyfriend, and no I didn't go). After that I began to really wonder about her a lot. She broke up with said boyfriend over the summer, and I was able to get her to go to some movies with me, eat out together, etc. She even trusted me enough to ask me to watch a movie with her at her house when her parents were away. Even during these classes she flirts with me quite a bit at times.


However, she doesn't go out of her way to spend time with me. For instance, if we do something together, I generally don't do anything with her for 2-3 weeks sometimes. She has told me she is a "heartbreaker", and back in early August said she wasn't really looking for anything then. I realize there are many fish in the sea, but where I live there isn't anything here that I would waste my time with. This girl and I always hit it off well together, but I just wonder if I am in the friend zone or not.


I guess the question I want to ask is does anyone think just telling her how I feel is a good idea? Or should I just try and distance myself from her? This has been driving me crazy to the point to where I am feeling lonely and depressed thinking she might be looking for someone or something else. I just want to tell her so that I might get a straight answer as to where I stand with her. I'm not really looking for a physical relationship, I just want to spend more time with her because I feel so happy being with her, and if I had to guess I'd say she enjoys being with me (but I don't know this is a certainty; all I know is all our "dates" have gone great). I don't however, want to make this an uncomfortable situation for us both while we still go to the same class.


I appreciate any thoughts you all might have!

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From what you've said, she thinks of you as a friend.


She asked you to group events while she was with someone else, she doesn't go out of her way to spend time with you, and she's given you a gentle "warn off" telling you she's a heartbreaker (basically saying she's not good relationship material/not looking for a relationship).


If you want to be sure, you can tell her in a non-pressure situation that you find her attractive and see what she says. However, that could end up making things awkward. At the same time, for you, in a way it already is, since spending time with her makes you happy at the time, but then you suffer the pain of feeling her lack of involvement in your feelings.


It's always problematical trying to judge if someone you're friendly with could possibly be interested in more, but it doesn't look like she's interested in more than friendship and friendly flirtation from what you've said.

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You have two problems:


1. You fell for someone before dating them. This happened to me. It is horrible. You build the person up before they deserve it. You play the same good memories of them over and over again driving yourself crazy. It's not fair to you because even though you have so little to go on she still holds your heart hostage. What you have is more than a crush but you can't refer to her as someone you dated. It's a tough spot. On one hand you want some justification from her that you are not alone in feeling the way you feel. That you are not alone with having butterflies around her or about her. On the other hand, you don't want to put yourself out there by exposing your feelings for her and making things awkward between you.


2. Like the previous poster said, I think she is giving your a very slight brush off while not being harsh about it so you won't completely go away. That is selfish on her part. She likes hanging out with you and trusts you enough to come over to watch a movie but does not make an attempt to hangout with you. If she is dating or interested in someone else that gives her the best of both worlds. She can explore whatever else she has going on while you're waiting in the wings if it goes south.


My advice would be...because I know your brain is telling you one thing and your heart is telling you another. Is to find someone else to be interested in. If you must pursue this woman you have to be honest with yourself. It's been 2.5 years. If she were really interested in you she would've made a move or encourged you to make a move. If you want to make a stab at it as a putting-all-you-chips-on-the-table kind of thing then ask her on a date. A real date. Prepare yourself for her to decline though and for things to be strange between you if she does.

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Thanks for the comments. You are both probably right on this. Just sucks though...


My reasoning behind the laying the cards on the table approach is that I am just tired of feeling the way I do in-between these things we do. I feel that if I can just let her know what I feel and get it out of my system, that I can handle whatever she decides. It is just eating me up inside to much and messing up my day to day routine.


It is all rather ridiculous, but I just need to end this somehow. Either she says we are just friends or that she feels something as well... at least I'll have a somewhat definitive answer.

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