Do I have a right to care about this? Past experiences, current problems...

[endlesstrains]

So, this is kind of a weird post, and a weird question... but I can't exactly talk to anyone in real life about it. And yes, I know I should probably seek therapy to work out my various issues, and I've found the phone number for a place that does sliding-scale (hooray for being uninsured) so that's on my to-do list for this week...

 

My life has been pretty average overall. I wouldn't say happy-- in fact only within the last 5 years or so have I found a place in my community and made a lot of friends. I'd say my life is decent right now-- I have fun, I have friends, both close friends & acquaintances I party with. I have a job that I enjoy, although I make little money. For reference, I'm 26 and have lived on my own for several years now. I did not have a happy childhood, but it wasn't really "bad." Nothing truly tragic has happened to me. I wasn't abused or neglected or anything. I do think that I felt lonely and alienated most of the time, as well as misunderstood by everyone around me. But, who doesn't have those kinds of problems as a kid? However, I find myself still hung up after all these years on small and not-so-small things that happened as I was growing up, and it's hard for me to understand why, or know what I need to do to release myself from them. I can't help but feel that most people in my position would never get hung up on these things to begin with.

 

The main issue that has been bothering me lately is about a man who I'll call Dave who my mother dated after my parents divorced. I think I was around 10-12 when she was dating him (I have a terrible memory BTW.) He is actually the only one of my mother's boyfriends that I remember other than the one who is now my stepfather. I remember him much more vividly than I remember anything else from that long ago, and I think I was in some kind of important formative stage when he was around because everywhere in my life I see reminders of him and I think his relationship with my mother formed my understanding of gender roles and what men are like. I love my father but he was never a strong male figure in my life, and still isn't, so I guess other men were filling this role. Dave was always good to us (me, my mom and my sister) and I liked him a lot. In my mind they dated for a long time, but I'm not actually sure how long it was-- I've never really discussed this with my mother as I feel very uncomfortable about it. Dave had this fundamental sadness to him that I didn't really understand at the time though I think I did recognize it, as it's something I possess myself. His existence seemed imbued with it and I felt sad for him. I also felt like we shared something in that way that I didn't share with anyone else, even though I was just a child. He had 3 kids who he had partial weekend custody of and I could tell he really loved them and it hurt him not to always be with them. Anyway, I'm just trying to set up how I felt about him.

 

He and my mother eventually broke up, and of course I wasn't privy to any of the reasons, being too young. I missed him for a long time but never talked with my mother about it. Some time later-- I don't know if it was months or years-- I asked her whatever became of him, and she told me he had killed himself. He hooked up the exhaust of his car to a hose and committed suicide via carbon monoxide poisoning. That was the extent of the conversation, because even then I wasn't able to talk to anyone about this. It's haunted me ever since. However I feel like I don't have a right to be that upset about it, to the point where I still think about him so many years later. My mom has a right to be upset, to some degree, but his children are the ones really affected, and his ex wife (who I never met) and whatever other family he had. Who am I to him, to his family? Some girl whose mother once dated him? I don't know how my sister took any of it, but she's younger so I don't know how well she remembers him. I just feel like I don't have a right to feel the way I do. It's something I've always thought about, but it's come back up lately and I'm not sure why. I read a book lately (re-read actually, and it didn't affect me the same the first time) that really brought it back up for me, and the other night I saw a movie that made the memory of him really vivid. I realize that the things I look for in men, and the way I understand men to be, are based on my experience with him. But it just bothers me and I don't understand why I care. Is it because there's a lack of true tragedy in my life? Because no one very close to me has ever died? In high school I wrote some poems about it and thought about it a lot and then when I got older I decided I was just being dramatic and wanted to justify my * * * * ty existence somehow by pointing to a tragedy, but now I don't know, because I'm 26 and I still care. I feel like I need to process this somehow, and I create various kinds of art that I do process emotions through, but this seems so personal, and I wouldn't ever be able to share that artwork with my family.

 

I don't know what I'm asking for exactly... opinions, I guess. What do you think? Am I just a drama queen? Do I need to forget about it? Or is there something I'm not seeing that's holding me up?

[DN]

He was someone you cared about who died under tragic circumstances. It's natural to be affected by it. The problem is that you were never able to properly express it. It might be worthwhile writing a letter to him expressing how you feel and then burning it as a way of letting those feelings find their natural place.

[endlesstrains]

Thanks for the reply DN. Something I've realized is that maybe this bothers me so much because it's so vague, because there are so many details I don't know or remember. I would really, really like to go back to the town he lived in, drive past the cabin he lived in, read his obituary... but I don't remember where that cabin was, or his last name, or even the year he died. I'd have to ask my mother these things and I don't even know where to begin to bring that up. I love my mother and I think she did her best raising us, and we talk frequently, and she gives me advice etc. but it's like everything from the past is pretty off limits. When I was a kid she was pretty dismissive of my emotions. I know she thought I liked to exaggerate things to get attention, which was never what I was trying to do... in fact I don't like attention. I just feel things strongly. I don't even know where to begin-- how do I say "hey remember that guy you dated who killed himself that you probably think I forgot about? Well, I've been obsessing over him for a decade and a half and I'd like to know all this info on him"??

 

EDIT: If anyone knows how I might find an old obituary with just a (very common) first name, city of residence, date range, and the first names of 2 of his children please let me know.

[Mesemene]

If you were able to find out the approximate month or year of death, you might be able to go to his library and search their archives. Some may still be in microfiche - but a lot have converted over to digital archives, in which case you could do an obit search with his first name and kid's names.

 

If you can find that, if he was either cremated and interred or buried, you might be able to find the location, and take a couple of flowers, and say the things you would have liked to say to him.

[DN]

What really matters are your memories of him - that is a good memorial to him right there.