The Sofa Date

[quantumst8]

I included this topic in a previous post a while back, but I'd like to present it from a different angle.

 

You're a woman, you're at a guy's place and you're sitting on one side of the sofa and the guy is sitting on the other side of the sofa. You're watching a movie.

 

Case 1: Suppose you're interested in the guy.

 

a) How would you act? Would you give hints that you're interested? If so, what would they be?

b) How would you want him to act? Would you want him to spontaneously move closer? Make a pass? Or just stay on his side of the sofa behaving himself.

 

Case 2: Suppose you only like him as a friend.

 

a) How would you act? What would your body language be like?

b) How would you want him to act?

[abitbroken]

Well, if I am over at a guys house watching a movie on a sofa with him, I'm interested. The only other case I would be doing that is if he is my relative. I won't go just to hang on a sofa with a guy unless it has been established that we are dating for awhile - too much opportunity for one thing to lead to another or the relationship to get casual and ho hum too fast.

[quantumst8]

Well, if I am over at a guys house watching a movie on a sofa with him, I'm interested. The only other case I would be doing that is if he is my relative. I won't go just to hang on a sofa with a guy unless it has been established that we are dating for awhile - too much opportunity for one thing to lead to another or the relationship to get casual and ho hum too fast.

 

Interesting. You wouldn't ever be in that situation with a guy you just considered a friend?

 

Well, supposing you like the guy...what would you want him to do?

[Alezia]

When I was in high school or at any schooling establishment, it was more acceptable to go over to a guy's house and watch a movie as exactly that, just friends. Though this was a lot less common by the time I reached 18+, so I guess in that awkward 15-17 phase I can see it happen. I can also tell you how I reacted back then, is not how I would react now. If I get to the point where I am invited to a guy's house (and it's not back from the club which I would refuse anyways), it would mean that I have known the guy for a while and I am genuinely interested / have been flirting for a while.

 

Case 1: I'd either try to restrain myself for him to make the move first by flirting a lot and touching him lightly. If he's really daft at that point, I'd probably just jump on him. I tend to be rather sexually aggressive.

 

Case 2: He'd probably be my brother or some other relative, or some guy which is not single.

 

Back in highschool though that's a totally different story where you put in shyness, inexperience, insecurity, and not really sure if you are into the guy or not.

[quantumst8]

by flirting a lot and touching him lightly.

 

How does this happen when you're on opposite ends of the sofa?

[Alezia]

I don't think I would sit at the opposite end of the sofa in the first place. I might leave some space, but not really more than 1-2 foot. Even when I was dating in highschool, it was never the opposite end of the sofa - that's pretty low.

 

I mean I had one friend who did that with guys, but she was really immature back then and totally not interested.

[Alezia]

How old are you two? that might help me out a bit more.

[quantumst8]

Hmmm. Well, I was absolutely lost as to what to do the last time I had a gal over here on the sofa. She's a coworker and she came over to make dinner. We cooked chicken and rice and then sat on the sofa and watched a movie. There was probably 1-2 feet between us, but it might as well have been 50 feet. Without knowing if she had any romantic interest, I couldn't really do anything except sit there and watch the movie. It was a bit disheartening.

[quantumst8]

How old are you two? that might help me out a bit more.

 

Too old to have this problem, I'm guessing =)

[Alezia]

I mean I see this situation in two tense. Either that she only sees you as a friend, and she wants the friendship but she's really uncomfortable with you possibly being interested in her so she sits all the way at the other end... or she's really really shy and inexperienced (as in never had a real relationship before). So you're going to have to help me out to see on which end of the scale you'd fit in. If you know she's had any type of real boyfriend before, she probably is the first.

[quantumst8]

I mean I see this situation in two tense. Either that she only sees you as a friend, and she wants the friendship but she's really uncomfortable with you possibly being interested in her so she sits all the way at the other end... or she's really really shy and inexperienced (as in never had a real relationship before). So you're going to have to help me out to see on which end of the scale you'd fit in. If you know she's had any type of real boyfriend before, she probably is the first.

 

Well, I suppose there are quite a few variables. I believe she sat down first and then I sat down at the other end so as not to potentially make her uncomfortable. As for boyfriends, I believe she's had 1 or 2 before. She's an international graduate student from Eastern Europe so there could be some cultural variables in there as well.

[Alezia]

That helps the situation quite a bit then if you are the one that sat at the other extremity, but that also means she didn't sit in the middle (or anywhere close to it) in the first place. I get a feeling that she was probably somewhat uncomfortable, at least to a degree for her going through the trouble to sit at a really unnatural spot.

 

I would say since she's of adult age and has had boyfriends, she's probably smart enough to realize where this is going or where it could potentially lead her. So I would aim that she likes you but isn't 100% comfortable with you first, because no adult women with a keen interest would ever sit at the edge. Perhaps the choice of date was too soon to really be beneficial? How long have you known her for?

 

Guys don't just pull the "I'm going to get us a blanket" statement anymore? Share a popcorn? Come on, classics

[sophie274]

If I like the guy, I would try to sit close enough that we could end up touching, or he could inch closer or make a move. I would also try to have a relaxed position - not tense or defensive body language. When I've been with guys I didn't like, I sat way at the other edge, kept my hands and arms in so he couldn't reach for them, and generally felt pretty tense because I was worried about him making a move and was not interested.

[Alezia]

If I like the guy, I would try to sit close enough that we could end up touching, or he could inch closer or make a move. I would also try to have a relaxed position - not tense or defensive body language. When I've been with guys I didn't like, I sat way at the other edge, kept my hands and arms in so he couldn't reach for them, and generally felt pretty tense because I was worried about him making a move and was not interested.

 

Yeah I agree with you sophie. The only time I could see this potentially happening (sit at the edge of the sofa but with interest) is if she really doesn't know him enough to make a judgment on whether she wants to be physical or not with him yet but that he still holds enough of her interest for her to want to know more about him. Then in essence, it's a bad choice of a date as you don't talk during a movie and it creates an awkward no-touch scenario. If it's a situation were people have been friends for a good 1-2 months, then I would assume just friendship with no further interest.

 

Do you really go over to a male guy's house alone to watch a movie if you aren't sure of his intentions though? I mean, I'd avoid that at all costs - it's really not worth the stress.

[sophie274]

Do you really go over to a male guy's house alone to watch a movie if you aren't sure of his intentions though? I mean, I'd avoid that at all costs - it's really not worth the stress.

 

Ha ha, no, I don't - but a few times in the past it's sort of "happened". College, being at a weekend away with others and ending up alone with a guy who maybe likes you, the roommate of someone I'm staying with for a little while, or simply someone you thought was strictly platonic with you who starts showing signs of having different intentions.

 

Or - if you meet someone and think (s)he is genuinely nice and want to be friends with him/her, but don't want to date him/her, I could see how you might end up with one of these awkward sofa situations. One of the pair might think things were perfectly clear, and the other half of the pair might be confused. Sometimes it's difficult to navigate becoming friends with someone while also making it clear you're not interested in dating him/her.

[quantumst8]

I knew her for a couple weeks when she came over that evening. I suppose it's difficult to describe the sitting positions. It's not like either one of us were clinging to the edges of the sofa. Her body language seemed like a positive thing as she had her legs up on the sofa with knees and body posture facing towards me. During the scary parts of the movie, she would cover her face and turn her head toward me, but she never actually grabbed me or anything (in other words, nothing I could really act on).

 

Also, I can't really call it a date. I could have just as well been inviting a guy over to hang out.

 

Eh, this was confusing when I last tried to analyze it. It still confuses me.

[Alezia]

Yeah, perhaps don't do a repeat of that until you know she's actually into you. Try asking her out on a date formally, and she what that gives. Perhaps that will give you a better indication.

[quantumst8]

Eh, I don't think I can ask someone out on a formal date. Seems too awkward. Plus we've had a good dynamic as friends so far. The first time I met her, I asked her to go on a road trip out of town with me. We had a great time and did some site seeing. We currently go to the gym together and we interact great at work. If she's not interested as more than a friend, then I don't want to give off the vibe that I am...would just make things awkward.

 

Crude Sofa Diagram:

 

 

[quantumst8]

Anyways, I guess from what I've heard so far, if a girl is interested in you, she's most likely going to sit right next to you so that you're touching.

[abitbroken]

Hmmm. Well, I was absolutely lost as to what to do the last time I had a gal over here on the sofa. She's a coworker and she came over to make dinner. We cooked chicken and rice and then sat on the sofa and watched a movie. There was probably 1-2 feet between us, but it might as well have been 50 feet. Without knowing if she had any romantic interest, I couldn't really do anything except sit there and watch the movie. It was a bit disheartening.

 

Well.. you are coworkers. The pretense wasn't a date. It should have been established before she came over if there was interest, or at dinner if it was flirty. I would say, if she was a coworker, it should be treaded with caution.

 

I mean, really what was the set up. "My oven is broken" you: "why not come eat over at my place". That's not a date. But I don't know the pretense.

 

 

Interesting. You wouldn't ever be in that situation with a guy you just considered a friend?

 

Well, supposing you like the guy...what would you want him to do?

 

I wouldn't. If I was 14-15, maybe I would. But being that I am in my late 30s, I don't invite guys that I am aquaintances with hoping that a sofa date will turn them into more. If they are a friend, they are over with several other friends and its a movie night. Either you are my boyfriend and I am doing more than a sofa date with you, or you are my guy friend that my boyfriend I invite over. If for example, we both had to review a film for a class or for work together, my note book would be in hand and it would not include a dinner we cooked together.

 

If let's say i didn't have a bf an really was in love with one of my guy friends and wanted more, I would tell him, or invite him out to dinner because hanging out on the sofa is too awkward and there is no graceful exit, unlike meeting at a place, if he doesn't feel the same.

 

When I sat on the sofa for the first time with my bf to watch a movie. we already like eachother and went out on sevearl outings that were clearly dates. Then we ended up NOT watching the movie but talking the whole time. We were that interested in eachother. A couple dates later we weren't watching the movie because we were kissing. But the key is we both already knew what our intentions were. we weren't knowing if we intended to kiss or not, but we knew that we were into each other.

 

I think that no one was clear on what this was, and that is why you were bummed.

[quantumst8]

Yeah. I don't know if there's any good way to really gauge her interest. We've hung out quite a few times with events that range from trips to the store to dinner just the two of us at an Italian restaurant. But neither of us ever called anything a date. As for when she came over to cook, I guess the pretense was that she mentioned she had a good chicken recipe and she would show me how to cook it. The other night she invited me to a play with a female friend of hers and she invited me to a tailgate the weekend before. But those are group things so I can't read anything into them. I mean honestly, everything seems to just point to friends, but I'd hate to make that assumption if it were wrong.

[quantumst8]

Well.. you are coworkers. The pretense wasn't a date. It should have been established before she came over if there was interest, or at dinner if it was flirty.

 

On this note, how does one do that? I don't understand how something like that gets established.

 

I probably sound like I'm completely socially inept, and I really am when it comes to bridging the romantic gap. But otherwise, I'm alright. I don't get nervous talking to women and I can be pretty outgoing with strangers. I just have no comprehension how to steer things in a direction other than friends.

[delicous]

If I like him, Ill want him to move closer and do something cutesy like wink at me, put one hang on my thigh, make a cute comment about how hot I am lol..

 

If its a guy I don't like and just interested in friends, I'd want him to stay on his side of the couch and just be my friend...but in my experience its pretty difficult to have a guy as a friend...

[jakel]

On this note, how does one do that? I don't understand how something like that gets established.

 

I probably sound like I'm completely socially inept, and I really am when it comes to bridging the romantic gap. But otherwise, I'm alright. I don't get nervous talking to women and I can be pretty outgoing with strangers. I just have no comprehension how to steer things in a direction other than friends.

 

Its been my exp that WOMAN WANT YOU TO MAKE THE FIRST MOVE

 

You could start by

 

1. complimenting her: her eyes, her outfit,( most woman work really hard @ dressing nice!), tell her if something she says or does is funny or cute.

 

2. Ask her out! ( are You hungry? shall we grab a bite to eat? ( Can I take you out to dinner tomorrow night?

 

3. Touch her shoulder or arm in conversation if she doesn't move her arm away try holding her hand if she holds your hand back \\

[jakel]

If your heart is pounding when you say it your probably on the right track Ive heard woman say "if he doesn't have the power to ask me out he doesn't have the power to be with me"