Need to loan addict brother money to deal with a debt

[relm]

My older brother is chronically broke and never employed. He has $75 in his bank and needs to borrow a lot of money from me and the family. He is also severely depressed and a recovering drug addict. Additionally, he has smokes nonstop (a very expensive habit) and it kills me that some of my very hard earned money that I’ve been saving to buy a computer will be going to something as stupid as cigarettes. Given his fragile emotional state, I don’t want to kick a man when he’s down, so I will loan him the money to pay of his debt, but any advice how I can tell someone not to spend the money on something as stupid as cigarettes? Or is the bottom line when you loan money to family, you can pretty much kiss it good bye? Since he’s older than me, and always in a fragile state emotionally, I don’t want to kick him when he’s down or lecture to him too much.

[EgoJoe]

You have to set boundaries. I would loan him the money for something specific and try to do your best to make sure that your money only goes to that. Just tell him exactly how you posted here. It will be difficult yet may pay off down the road.

 

I'm an alcohol(three+ years sober), marijuana (about five months sober this time) etc. free person who use to party and indulge to escape. I still smoke cigarettes and drink coffee and loathe every moment yet I get so irritated when I'm "feening" and it has caused me to delay quitting. I'll be getting patches when I take the plunge. I've been working out more and more because I plan to immediately start running and make sure that I have a GOOD diet setup for when I make the final lifestyle switch.

[midnightdeirdre]

I hate to say it, but maybe a good talking-to is just what he needs. It sounds like he really needs to wake up and realize he can't keep borrowing free money from his family to waste on something that is slowly (but surely) killing him.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Write a letter stating specifically what this money is for and that he will provide you proof, in the form of a receipt that he paid off that particular debt. Before giving any money, get particulars from him about what the money will be used for (bank loan or credit card, whatever). Then have him sign the letter. When people get loans from a bank it is for a particular purpose and there is paper work.

[Keyman]

You think that by not doing as he please you are kicking him when he is down? Seems to me all he would have to do is put a bit of pressure on and you will fold. He knows it, you know it but are stuck in the loop. The only way out of this for him is something called Hard Love. Fend for yourself buddy, you're my older brother and I love you, but I aint no bank for you to just borrow money off. Sort yourself out or go beg someone else.

[quantumst8]

Talking doesn't help. Pain is usually what makes people change. And as long as family keeps bailing a person out so that they can avoid the pain of bad choices, then that person will never have real incentive to change. Of course, there are different schools of thought on this, but that's my two cents. I'd kiss the money good bye. Also, it's completely your choice to give it to him, so don't blame your loss of money on him.

[Capricorn3]

NEVER give him the money/cash direct. Ever. Ask him what his debt is and then you go and pay it directly to where it's owing. That way he can't spend it on cigarettes or anything else.

[relm]

This is such a scary thing to deal with - I've been unemployed before and after you've completely run out of money, you are desperate for help of any kind and its the most sickening despair of not having any hope for paying your rent or getting food. I just don't know if I can kick him when he's down. I wish I knew what to do.

[catfeeder]

Ask to see the bill to pay it directly.

[abitbroken]

Do not give him a cent. I would bake him bread and make him dinner instead and he can use the food money he woul spend towards his debt. Also, in exchange for errands and odjobs he does for you, you don't give him a cent - you pay directly to the financial institution he owes. Do not pay a cent towards credit cards . Only pay to keep the roof over his head or what is absolutely necessary. He needs to learn some work ethic or money management or he will never make it.

[Mesemene]

Right now, lending him money with no strings IS kicking him when he's down. As long as he is stuck in this cycle, things won't improve for him - so good intentions regardless, you're actually helping him stay unemployed and a smoker.

 

I would talk to him, as others have suggested. Tell him you'll help him with the debt - by paying to it directly. And if he needs help locating some counseling and/or smoking cessation programs, you'll assist with those however you can, even financially.

 

I'm sure you'd feel a lot more positive about contributing to those than continued smoking and unemployment. Make sure he's involved in any self-help, counselor searches, or job searches.

 

You don't make a baby bird's wings stronger by carrying it everywhere - he'll only gain strength by doing some of the work himself, and if he falls down, you can always offer an encouraging word to keep trying.

[petite]

I'm all about family helping each other but only for good reasons and certainly not to feed their addictions or cover their loans whilst they spend money on cigarettes. Why should you sacrifice your savings for his mistakes? If you really, really want to give him money for debt, pay it directly yourself, but don't let him have your cash, because you don't know where he will spend it.

[prettymommy]

I agree with everyone- do not give him money directly. Ask him what he needs help with, and the go out yourself and pay the bill or purchase whatever he needs.

 

Point in case: my son's father was unemployed for 2 years. One time he told me he wouldn't be able to take our son on his scheduled weekend b/c he had no money (for food and gas). I didn't want our son to lose his weekend with his father, but I was afraid if I gave his father money directly, it wouldn't have gone toward food and gas; it would've gone to smokes and booze (his two "vices"), which I dont' approve of, esp. around our son. So I went out and bought $150 worth of groceries for his house, and gave it to him when I dropped of our son.

 

Guess what. When I got there, baby daddy's fridge and pantry were full of food. Totally confirmed my suspicions on what my money would've gone toward, had I given him cash directly. Also confirmed to me to NEVER give anyone cash directly; if they need a loan to pay a bill, or need supplies, pay for it yourself directly. That way you don't feel taken adventage of, and you know your hard earned cash will go toward a purpose/cause that you are comfortable with.

[sidehop]

I agree, you're only enabling his behavior and enforcing it. I understand it's very tough decision as he's your own blood but he's not dying and needs money to stay alive. He just needs a lot of non-monetary support and direction to become clean.

[relm]

Thanks for all the very helpful suggestions. You are all so smart and this REALLY was helpful.

[AnGeLLz]

I would not personally hand him any money, I would either go with him to pay for the debt or request that the information for the debt be given to you so you can handle it personally. Don't cover non essentials either, help him with food if he needs it but other than that he needs to become accountable for his own actions at some point and if everyone is going to run and cover his behind he will never learn from the mistakes.