I'm divorcing after a 14 years of marriage

[NICEMAN99]

my wife of 14 years with whom i have 2 daughters cheated on me the begiing of june i found out the very same day.

we got into a fight and she begged me to stay together which i accepted .

i changed many things i was doing wrong and really tryed to work things out.

a week later i found out they were still talking and that betrayed me and hurt me so bad.

she kept asking me to stay but all of a sudden..she said she wanted some space.

so we split up. and ever since i have been in so much pain.

i have made may many mistakes like calling her all the time,asking her to change her mind,and telling her that im there for her.

she really fell for this guy who she works with and they split up for things i did,my wife did,and my daughter did.

she is still in love with this guy even though this guy only wants to be her friend.

NOW for the past 5 weeks we got closer meeting each other almost every weekend and is always the same

every weekend she tells me how much she misses me and that she wants to fix things up but dont know how..and stupid of me i tell her to trust me and things will be alright.

is always the same pattern we make love she kisses me she tells me she feels good around me and monday comes she doesnt want to see me and wants to keep moving forward .

i know i shouldn have contact with her but god is hard to stop thinking of her this is killing me.

[NICEMAN99]

i get text messages saying how hard is for her ,that she misses me,that she has no clue how to live without me etc etc

when i get this messages i tell her to trust me and to let me work things out ..i tell her that i like to start from scratch and treat her like a new girlfriend .take her out dining movies etc.

she sometimes says ok that she wants but during the week she tells me that she has to move forward and stop seeing me or talking to me,

we do that for a day or 2 and again she tells me the same thing and again i reply the same thing.

my question is where do get the strenght to leave her behind to not answer her calls and move forward.?

i think of her almost every minute and cant fonction properly.

she messes up with my head cause i dont want to loose her and would love to fix things up even though i think at this stage would be a huge mistake,

she asked for divorce and in many occations she asked me if she should stop the divorce,,she feels like she is loosing money on the divorce cause she fells like getting back togheter

she even tells me that she thinks we could get back togheter but later not now.

i need help i really need coaching i need some advice please.

[Lester]

Hi Nice, I too feel your pain.

I've only know you're wife for two minutes and don't like her. Either way, daughters aside, why do you want to be married to this person?

 

Buy James Dobson’s “love must be tough” New hope for marriages in crisis.

Ignore the title. It has little to do with being tough. Never let her or any women in your life see this book.

[tmtex]

I have said it many times. Once a cheater always a cheater. Married my wife in 1990, she cheated in 94, went back to her in 96/97, 2011 she does the same sh$t. We had kids, good money. In the Divorce Judge didnt stand for her and I won everything.

 

I always had it in the back of my head while things were good over the 15 yrs or whatever but your always going to wonder 5 yrs down the road, she's acting weird and thats the first thing that will come to your mind. "Oh she is cheating again." but she isnt

[Mesemene]

when i get this messages i tell her to trust me and to let me work things out ..

 

You seem like a good guy, and you have good intentions.

 

BUT - whatever caused your issues will come back to haunt you unless she is also willing to work at those issues 110%. Otherwise it's like you bailing water from a leaky boat - and nobody's patching it up while you're bailing. It just isn't getting really "fixed," not when you're trying to go it alone.

 

She's looking out for what she feels is best for her, and you're caught up in her constantly changing her mind. Take a step back, and look at what would REALLY be best for you. Can you really trust her at this point?

[abitbroken]

she really fell for this guy who she works with and they split up for things i did,my wife did,and my daughter did.

 

Never blame the children. Your divorce or potential divorce or her current or former relationship with this guy is between the adults. I know you are not specifically blaming your daughter - maybe others are -but I would point that out.

[NICEMAN99]

no i wasn't blaming my daughter...not at all

the truth is that she is blaming her

this is what happened-----> one day my daughter pick her mother phone and send a text message to mom's new BF telling him that thanks to him she is in so much pain and her family is destroyed. wife calls me back telling me this and she is pissed at her. and because of that guy stepped out.

i'm totally leaving my baby daughter out of this.

one day my little baby said " i hate my life" so i freaked out and hugh her kissed her etc then i called her mother to tell her what she just said

only to find out that my daughter said the same thing the day before to her mother ..and her answer was """" what do you want me to do""" """im thinking on my self , i need to start caring for me now"

so my kid told her "what about me?'" and her mother said " first comes me then ,new guy, and then you,for 11 years it has been you first,with your father,let me think of me first""

i know is hard to believe but i swear im far from lying.

and even though i know she isnt worth it...i still love her. and very much.

thanks for the help

[Lester]

Nice, I know you said you love her but she doesn't seem to even like you. Also, she's in an affair and is blind to her family.

 

I normally try to help people save their marriages but there doesn’t seem to be much to work with here.

 

Do you really think you love this person or could it be just the shock? We all go through it once the full ramifications of a divorce become realized. You’re wife will too once you begin to move on. (Improving yourself is the best place to start.)

 

You must buy Dobson’s book today and start changing yourself. Never let her see this book!

It might be too late to help but at least your eyes will be opened to human sexuality.

[Mesemene]

only to find out that my daughter said the same thing the day before to her mother ..and her answer was """" what do you want me to do""" """im thinking on my self , i need to start caring for me now"

so my kid told her "what about me?'" and her mother said " first comes me then ,new guy, and then you,for 11 years it has been you first,with your father,let me think of me first""

 

I find this just horrible. It's one thing to nudge your kids to independence at majority - but quite another to expect an 11 year old to tend to themselves - as a parent, the kids come first until they're able to fend. At 11, she's nowhere near ready to be cast aside in favor of mom "finding herself." She needs a swift kick in the butt!

[NICEMAN99]

I find this just horrible. It's one thing to nudge your kids to independence at majority - but quite another to expect an 11 year old to tend to themselves - as a parent, the kids come first until they're able to fend. At 11, she's nowhere near ready to be cast aside in favor of mom "finding herself

." She needs a swift kick in the butt!

i agree the thing is i still love her even though i should'nt i wish i could find the strenght to turn my back and totally forget her.

hope it comes soon!!!!!

[Mesemene]

i agree the thing is i still love her even though i should'nt i wish i could find the strenght to turn my back and totally forget her.

hope it comes soon!!!!!

 

Loving her won't go away overnight, and no matter what you do, you'll be connected by your daughter.

 

I'm going to ask/tell you (though from a much different angle!) what someone told me they'd offered to a friend who was struggling with a situation.

 

After said friend (we'll call him Bob) had melted into a puddle, stating how he didn't feel he could live without his girlfriend - Jim asked him "how much do you love your three children?"

Of course, Bob said "More than the world, I would give them the world if I could, I would die for them! How could you even ask???"

And Jim's response was simple, "Then even if you can't do it for yourself, maybe you should start really LIVING for them as a beginning, and you may find before too long you'll be living for yourself as well."

 

So maybe if you can't take a stand for yourself, start by taking one for your daughter - that at least with you, she IS a priority - and in the process, make yourself a priority as well. Doesn't she deserve a strong father in her life?

 

Keep in mind - what she sees in you is how she's going to learn to look at future males/prospective boyfriends and husbands - and I'm sure you'd want one for her who's willing to take a stand when it's important.

[chitown9]

I have a suggestion. Spend some one-on-one time with your daughter. Take her out to brunch, to a movie. Give her some special attention right now. It will be healing for both of your...chi

[NICEMAN99]

ill do that

damn is hard being alone after a long time

i know i should turn my back and try new things which i have i have lost so much weight and putting a little muscle(she keeps telling me how good i look)

bought new clothes and doing alot stuff but cant take my mind of her.

[lostandhurt]

This woman is selfish and only cares about her wants and little about her own daughter. She is walking away from you, your daughter and all her responsibilities to live a fantasy life with no cares in the world.

 

Trust me on this. She will not snap out of this! When they start ignoring children and even worse blaming them they are so far gone there is nothing you can do to bring them back. They must loose everything and hit bottom before they realize their escape was a bad idea. Basically she decided she wasn't happy so she wants out of her life and doesn't care who it hurts as long as she is happy. Selfishness is rapant all over the world these days........

 

This is what you need to do:

Stop telling her to trust you. She cheated not you.

Stop trying to convince her you will love her forever or be there for her no matter what. This has the opposite affect.

Stop contacting her unless it is related to your daughter or issues other than the relationship.

Do not blame the guy at work, she chose to have sex with him. Once she was free to have a relationship with him he dumped her because he never loved her.

Work on yourself so you can be the best single dad possible.

Get in shape physically and mentally.

Get your finances in order. Make copies of everything just in case.

Get in touch with old friends and get back to the guy you once were before the years of marriage changed you.

 

Do these things and you will feel better. This isn't a matter if she will come back, it is a question if you will take her back. Remember that!!!

 

Lost

[NICEMAN99]

amazing advice thanks

hard to put into practice but i'll give my best shot

[NICEMAN99]

This isn't a matter if she will come back, it is a question if you will take her back. Remember that!!!

 

Lost

this my friend got me thinking

[lostandhurt]

Right now you are living in fear. You are fearful you will be alone, fearful you will never love again, fearful you will never meet someone as attractive as her again, fearful that if this all ends your life ends. Am I close? Be honest. I have been there buddy as many of us have.

 

You will find if you do what I say and get your mind right you will find yourself back in the drivers seat. This is your life and your choice. If you met her for the very first time today knowing the type of person she is and what she is capable of would you date her?

 

The things I listed aren't that hard if you take baby steps. You journey starts today and like climbing steps there is no need to look back, only forward to your life. Read my signature below, it has helped me more than I can express in words.....

 

Lost

[NICEMAN99]

Well it hurts .... Maybe a little less but still hurts.. When i think of my kids and the things she did it kills me

And more then getting back together i would love to take a pill and kill those feelings

And wake up not feeling a single thing about her

I would love to be single with no feelings towards no woman

Right now i have this Problem( not really one but..) i always wanted to go visit japan,italy,argentina,peru

So i was thinking now that im alone is the perfect time, but then i think,, what if we back together in the near future, i would probably need the money

I think i just should by the ticket and get the hell out

What you guys think

[Lester]

Once back home the trips will be just be foggy memories. You also won't enjoy them. Your brain will be doing the same thing over there. That could lead to ugly errors on judgment.

 

Improve yourself, be responsible with money, get your affairs in order and take small day trips.

[freebird0120]

WOW.....Nice when I read your story, tears filled my eyes, and an enormous amount of pain came over me because as I was reading your story it was like you were telling me mine. I have/had been with my husband for 14 years this January...I too have an 11 year old daughter, and my husband also had an affair, although supposedly just emotional, on me with a coworker. My daughter too wanted to text this woman, but I wouldn't let her. But she wanted to tell her the same thing.

 

I know the pain you're feeling...I know what you're going through. My husband for the last 3 months has been treating my like a yoyo as well saying at first he wasn't in love with me anymore and had feelings for this woman at work, then it was "don't give up on me, I've ended it with her, please don't give up on me" to "I can't do this anymore. We keep going in circles and it's the same thing over and over", to "I don't know how to let you go. I want you, I want our family. Please just give me the benefit of the doubt that I will do right by you", to where we are now. I too just found out that he has been talking to her again on his work phone and hiding it. Now he's telling me that he no longer wants to hurt me, and is letting me go. I so badly want him to wake up and realize what he's giving up, but I know in my heart that it will never be the same no matter what.

 

I know that there are success stories out there of thousands of couples that have made it through something like this and are closer than ever, but I guess the real question is are you willing to completely forgive to move forward. And better yet, is she willing to give everything that it takes to help you make this work. It has to be both of you. I now realize that no matter how hard I tried, no matter how much I gave and sacrificed, no matter how hard I cried, pleaded and begged, I just wasn't enough for him to want to meet me in the middle.

 

Last night he removed all of his belongings from our room to a guest bedroom. If you are separated from her now, take advantage of that. I unfortunately am stuck in the same house that we bought together, seeing him everyday with the constant reminder that to him I am disposable. Every wall, every floor space, every nick nack, every room has a memory that 14 years has provided. I unfortunately have to stay in the same house with him until I can get on my own two feet which hopefully will be by the new year. It hurts so bad to be in that house. I work all day and just want to come home to my family and feel the security there knowing that he loves me and our family, but sadly that's not the case. I turn down our street and my stomach instantly knots up and my heart aches. I put on a happy face for my daughter, because she needs me too right now and your daughter needs you too. Her mother has already replaced both of you and that to an 11 year old is unforgiving. She needs you now more than ever.

 

I truly wish you the peace and end to all the pain that I know exactly what you're going through...If you ever need to talk on here I will be here, because I know exactly what you're feeling...

[NICEMAN99]

i just read your post and is true is almost what im living now.

last week i didnt talk to her at all and she texted me saturday for coffee ,i agreed and went out for coffee then she proposed to go for a walk and we did.

then she wanted to go dancing,and we did

after that we spended the whole weekend together (till tuesday morning)

she cryed and she asked to move in ,but since it didnt sound sincere i said no,we should wait, but i sugested to continue going out and having fun.

this morning she is s bit more distant and that gets me mad.

is 2 different women ...cold and distant during the week and warm the weekend

this is getting on my nerves

today i asked i want 1 the distant or the warm but 1.is it over or its not?

i`ll see how it goes

[Stay_home]

Cheating doesn't ever just happen; it's a conscience decision people make. You have a choice. Just like she did and in her position she choose to cheat. Understandingly, you love your wife. But a man cannot simply continue to be hurt, either.

[lostandhurt]

Don't be fooled by her actions when things are all fun and games. She has some issues that will surface as soon as she knows she has you again. You are living like you are dating again which is all fun and no responsibilty which is the way she is living her life so of course she likes it. Her selfish behavoir is troubling.

 

There is no rush to do anything right now is there? I suggest you continue healing and learning about yourself so you can see all this clearly. Here is a link to my first post here so you can see it happens to us all.

I was a mess back then and felt much the same way you do now. I would have given my everything to make my family whole again. Luckily for me she chose her loser bf which was the best thing that could have heppened as I would have lost my very soul if she would have came back.

 

This is your choice, not hers. She needs to learn and grow before you will consider taking her back. There is a huge question "WHY" did she think it was okay to betray you and your family for her selfish wants? Why is she so quick to put herself before her own child?

 

Take your time before making any choice that will affect everything.....

 

Lost

[NICEMAN99]

Damn lost i find alot of wisdom on your advices

Thanks man i ll do just that

[Lester]

Lost, if you don't mind... Did you ever discover what happened with her? Did she just snap?