Am I in the wrong here?

[birdname]

I don't own a car. My son takes music lessons on the other side of town. My mom really wanted my son to be able to go, but I was hesitant to enroll him because the location takes a long time to get to via public transit.

As an incentive to get me to enroll him, my mom said that on days he has music lessons, I can borrow her car to drive him there.

His music lessons start in an hour, but he's not going to make it today because my mom is going on a date. A first date with a guy she met online.

I was frustrated that I was not given more notice that I was going to have to make alternate arrangements. We could have been there on time if I was more prepared to take the bus, but now if we did go, we'd be so late it wouldn't be worth it.

She's now mad at me because "it's not her responsibility to co-ordinate HER car with MY schedule."

Well I disagree because I think that if you promise a favour to someone, and you know they are counting on it, it's your responsibility to make sure they have notice if you can't live up to your commitment.

Music has been at the same time on the same day for a year. I don't see why that should be so hard for her to remember.

However, she's right, it is her car, and if she'd rather go out on dates than help her grandson, that's up to her, I'm just angry that she couldn't be bothered to tell me ahead of time.

[Wager]

I do not think you are in the wrong, and I can appreciate why you would be aggravated and disappointed. However, you are at a disadvantage here, since, as you stated, it is your mother's car and she is not obligated to loan it to you. I am looking only at the future, since you had every right to expect your mother to follow through on the plan she instigated and not act in a manner so impetuous and self-serving as to derail your son's ability to get to his lesson - but you have little way to make that happen, or to ensure that what happened this time is not repeated in the future.

 

It is understandable why you are annoyed and likely mistrustful of her pulling this stunt again, but as entitled as you are to that anger, it may not ultimately serve you or your son very well (and it sounds as though your son's welfare is your ultimate concern, which I admire, but which, practically speaking, renders you even more at your mother's whims). My best advice is to vent here, or to friends, or to a journal (but not to your son, of course, since it is his grandma, even if she was the one to stymie him in this) and then let it go, as to press the issue is probably going to make her more obstinate and unapologetic, which stands to irritate you further and thwart your borrowing her car next time.

 

Does she do this sort of thing often? Or is it unusual? Is it possible she was simply excited and rattled by the first date, and forgot her obligation to follow through with her offer? Possibly when confronted, she was embarrassed and lashed out instead of acknowledging her misstep?

 

If she does not do this sort of thing frequently, it makes even more sense to get your rightful annoyance out of your system and move on, but if this is typical of her, you may need to plan to use public transportation each lesson day until she consistently comes through on her end. And, though I am in no way advocating a war over this, it may be reasonable to limit or curtail the things you do for her unless and until she makes a reciprocal effort in turn.

 

This is not fair to you or your son, but once the initial reaction has passed, it is in your best interests, most likely, to put it behind you as swiftly as possible and not revisit it, for your and your son's sakes, alone. That may not sound like a just or palatable response, for you to suck it up and be the bigger person, putting this in the past and moving on as pleasantly as you can in light of what happened, how and why, but in the end, you (unfairly) have little choice and saving you from feeling even more aggravation and negativity is valuable. I'm sorry this happened and I wish you the best of luck in this and all things.

 

Wager

[DN]

She made a commitment about the car and should keep it.

[thejigsup]

If your mom promised to do that, she should honor that promise. But, as it is her car, there is nothing you can do. Would it be possible for you to get your own car so you are not dependent on anyone else for transportation. I can't imaging being without my car!

[birdname]

If your mom promised to do that, she should honor that promise. But, as it is her car, there is nothing you can do. Would it be possible for you to get your own car so you are not dependent on anyone else for transportation. I can't imaging being without my car!

 

It would be possible, but it's not necessary. I wouldn't have signed him up for those lessons if she hadn't have offered, instead he'd be taking lessons closer to where we live.

I'm not a mooch. I don't bum rides. I have a bike with a trailer and a bus pass, between the two options we get around just great!

We have more fun with the money we have not paying for gas. With the money I'm not spending on gas I am able to afford these music and dance lessons for my kids.

 

edit: by "offered" I mean, pretty much INSISTED. It was important to her that he goes to "the best" teacher. His teacher is fantastic, but I'm sure she isn't the only great teacher around.

[Seraphim]

I think if she wanted him to go to the lessons where SHE wanted him to go and said you could have her car for that time she should have honoured that.

[anya1607307555]

I would probably let it go this time but if it became a habit, I would go back to using public transport. If travelling that distance is a pain, I'd look to enrolling him in a closer music class.

[DN]

Moderator Note: please stay on topic. The OP wants advice on whether she or her mother is correct over the issue that she posted.

[Seraphim]

They do have polls, I already said who I felt was correct.

[birdname]

Thanks DN, this doesn't need to turn into a debate over whether or not a car is a worthwhile expense.

 

I personally think, because I know my mother, that she lashed out at me because she's embarrassed that she forgot my sons music lessons. She's never been one to admit she's made a mistake.

[DN]

How are you going to approach her so this isn't a problem in the future?

[birdname]

How are you going to approach her so this isn't a problem in the future?

I have no idea.

For the music thing, it's obvious that she needs a reminder, so I'm going to try to do that.

As for the getting mad at me when she's made a mistake... this has plagued me all my life and I don't know what to do other than try to let go of it.

[DN]

Is there a calendar with the dates on it or can you ask her to to put the dates in her diary/blackberry/whatever?