Afraid of getting married & moving away - HELP!

[ThatGirl24]

First off, I'm here for some encouragement and need some advice. Keeping it bottled up is really starting to bother me! I'm really having a tough time with this. I'm 23. I've always lived with my parents, my sister and we've always been a close family.

 

I've been engaged to a wonderful man since March. (We've been together for about 3 years now). We are getting married May of next year. We live an hour away from each other - initially, he wanted me to move to his town now.. but honestly, I didn't want to be an hour away from my family. We compromised and settled for the middle - 30 minutes away from where we both are currently. He will be about 40 minutes away from work, which is no different than what he drives now. I'm thankful we agreed on in between.

 

He's loving, supportive, we get along so very well - no doubt he is the man I've waited all of my life for. I am excited to start a life with him, purchase a home and have children and experience the joys of being married. I don't want to live my whole life and miss out on that - I've always dreamed of being a good wife & mother!

 

Now, the problems... I'm having a super tough time imagining getting married and moving about 30-35 miles away from where I am currently. I know you may think it's silly - but I just have such an extreme fear for some reason. My parents are in their 60's, not in the best of health, so I help them out a lot. Cooking, helping mow, cleaning the house, etc. I feel SO, SO guilty about leaving them that it just breaks my heart. I know they have my older sisters who will help them out also and I will visit often, but it still bothers me to no end. I also have extreme fear that something will happen to one of them health-wise... honestly that has always been a fear since I was a small child. I also had a very difficult time being away from my mom when I was a kid... not really sure why, but maybe it stemmed from that fear?

 

Then in another way, I feel like this is my "comfort zone" - what I've always known and it will uncomfortable to leave. I'm used to being around a large family, the house being loud with kids around & always having someone to talk to. That is my "normal". I stayed overnight with my fiance and we had the house alone... honestly, I enjoy his company greatly but it was so quiet and it made me uneasy. It almost put me in a panic - I'm not used to that. I love him so much and I don't want to feel like that.

 

I also work from home (not always, my job changed and for the past 2 years I've worked out of my home office) and my mom is with me during the day - we talk, eat lunch together. I stress when I think about a quiet house during the day. I seriously may have to start a new job after I move just so I'll keep myself occupied during the day - seriously, it's crossed my mind. My fiance gets up for work at 4:45am and doesn't get home until 5 or sometimes 6 - and sometimes works out of town. I think I'll struggle with being alone at nights, too. Don't laugh - I'm being 100% honest.

 

Lately, I've been waking up in a panic thinking about "it's all going to change soon and I won't be waking up here." It seriously makes me want to run and that in itself breaks my heart, because I'm excited for the most part. Some days, I am soo happy and into planning it and looking at houses and thinking how much fun we'll have being married and planning a new life together, and it'll be okay because I can come visit my parents a lot or they can come down for dinner - then some days I just don't want to even think about it. I'm trying so hard to be strong and positive because I know life is too short for this!

Can anyone give me some words of hope, advice? Anything? I really need it. I don't understand my fear - am I just the world's biggest chicken?! maybe it's fear of the unknown, my own insecurities, who knows? This really is hard for me - I've expressed my views to fiance and he tries be really positive & says sweet stuff that will help, but it really doesn't truly help me. I just want to adapt to this change and embrace it and be okay with it!!! HELP!

[penelope13]

Have you talked to your fiance about this? - This seems more than just jitters, but more like serious anxiety and panic.

 

Would you consider a therapist to help you get this under control?

[Angel Irulan]

I don't mean to be unkind but I don't think you are old enough to get married and move away. I lived in my moms house until age 26, and while it was financially convenient, I get the feeling that something more is keeping you at your parents. And, by the way, if no one else says it: you need to live on your own for a while before you move on to marrying someone! You do! Going from your parents house to your husbands means you never learn to take care of you. I think you need to grow up before you do anything else.

 

Angel

[shuttlefish]

I agree with Angel ^^^^ I don't think you are ready for marriage. 23 is awfully young to settle down for a start and it sounds like you really haven't left a certain stage of life yet.

[lavenderdove]

I think you need to get some counseling to address your fears of being alone and being overly dependent on your family... it is sad but true that your parents won't be around forever, and if you can't stand the idea of being only 30 minutes away from them, then you are overly enmeshed with them and haven't make the leap to being an independent adult, which needs to happen for all kinds of reason.

 

You could also be suffering from a mild form of agoraphobia and need to get this addressed while you are young before it really takes hold and you get too fearful to be on your own or out in the world. So I'd really try to go to a doctor/counselor for some evaluation to help you thru this transition and to teach you techniques to overcome your fears and build your confidence.

[Angel Irulan]

I have to admit the mild agoraphobia might be a great DX and I wonder if there is more to the story that the OP isn't telling? A history of panic attacks perhaps? I have them, and she sounds like perhaps she has them too. They can almost make you afraid to go far away from home. BTW, have you gone to college yet, OP?

 

Angel

[RedDress]

Not to be rude... but I drive more than 30 miles each way to work every day! This is not "moving away" by any means. It's... moving down the road. I really think the distance is about perspective. Do you have a driver's licence?

 

I agree that you should not be looking to move right from your parent's house to your husband's house. Especially given the level of anxiety you are experiencing. It's bad news. You will likely (whether you mean to or not) project your unhappiness onto your relationship... and it's just bad news.

 

Have you thought about living on your own for a while?

 

This is a normal part of "growing up". It's a change... but it should be a good, happy change - not a scary, anxious change... Perhaps you should take baby steps and get your own place not far down the road (but without your fiance)

[ThatGirl24]

Thanks everyone for your replies and advice. I don't take offense to any - I think it's neat to see different views and perspectives. I'm thankful for them all!

 

Getting deeper and to answer a few questions, I have had panic attacks and anxiety in the past when I was around 12 that stemmed from an irregular heartbeat - I was put on beta blockers and it seemed to be under control after that. From that point, I was perfectly fine and never thought about it again. That was until I started taking birth control at the beginning of this year - the panic attacks I once knew slowly began to creep up on me after a month on it and we figured out it was from the hormones (my life was perfect, no reason that I should have had panic or anxiety). I stayed numb and didn't feel "real" - thought it was a stroke. Panic attacks began to get worse this time around and I had so much anxiety from it - I was advised to stop taking them and a few weeks to months later, they diminished. I'll admit - I heavily relied upon my parents and sister at this time for a ton of support - it was such an awful experience and I did not sleep for a week straight, had no motivation, couldn't drive without fear. My doctor put me on Zoloft and I started having horrific thoughts and worsened anxiety - I stopped immediately and swore I'd never take meds again. Slowly but surely, I began to exercise more, do yoga, eat healthier and here it is October and I'm doing about 90% better. No panic attacks, I sleep like a baby now, I can drive like I used to, life is getting back to normal. At one point, I wasn't sure how I would make it even the next hour.

 

So, if this makes sense, I've relied heavily upon my parents & sister this year - they've been my support and encouragers and "pushers" and fellow exercisers and a shoulder to lean on when I was going through a very scary time. Not to say that my fiance wasn't awesome either in my support, because he was great too.

 

Never thought about it - but maybe this is why I'm afraid to move on?

 

I was never like this my whole life - from the time I was 18 on, I was involved in college and volunteering and Christian ministry events, concerts, traveling - so I was BARELY ever at home, and missing my parents never crossed my mind. I also had a full time job and worked in another city six days a week, 8 hours a day.

I had a best friend and we did everything together (she has since moved to Delaware and I had a difficult time with that also - I mean it when I say there wasn't a lot of times we weren't together having so much fun and were each other's best friend). I also lived on my own at a dorm for a while but left to go back home after it wasn't affordable for me any longer (student loan and financial issues, dad was laid off).

(Yes, to who asked, I have had my license since I was 16.. love to drive, put many miles on my old faithful Civic and still do.. LOL.)

 

Needless to say after my best friend moved a year ago, she started dating a guy and now we hardly talk. That did kind of hurt me deep down - I have other friends but it almost seems like they're always too busy also. Jonathan is like my "other best friend" though - we do everything together and take cruises and all that fun stuff.

 

Anyway, don't know where I'm rambling on to.. but I was trying to answer everyone's questions and provide a deeper insight.

 

Okay, analyze away!

[ThatGirl24]

Not to be rude... but I drive more than 30 miles each way to work every day! This is not "moving away" by any means. It's... moving down the road. I really think the distance is about perspective. Do you have a driver's licence?

 

I agree that you should not be looking to move right from your parent's house to your husband's house. Especially given the level of anxiety you are experiencing. It's bad news. You will likely (whether you mean to or not) project your unhappiness onto your relationship... and it's just bad news.

 

Have you thought about living on your own for a while?

 

This is a normal part of "growing up". It's a change... but it should be a good, happy change - not a scary, anxious change... Perhaps you should take baby steps and get your own place not far down the road (but without your fiance)

 

I keep telling myself that 30 miles isn't a long way - I guess I've just got it stuck in my mind I won't see them a lot or something?! I know it's absolutely silly. Yes, I have my license...been driving since 16 and put many miles down. I've also gone out of the country quite a few times - why 30 miles would seem a long way makes no sense. Thanks for the reassuring, it helps LOL. In all honesty, I know it isn't too far. I guess where I work from home now it has me all skewed on that aspect!!!

 

For your 2nd paragraph, that's what I mean about I want to be truly happy - I don't want to accidentally project my anxiety or unhappiness onto him at all. I would rather take care of this now, equip myself with tools to help me and get stronger day by day and be ready. There's no doubt in my mind that I can battle this and overcome it, just like everything else. I'm just "stuck" and need "tools."

 

I agree, I guess I do need to seriously "grow up" and become independent like I used to be - whether that be moving out alone or with him. Not sure how I ever fell back into this, but it sure isn't fun! How weird that I was sort of independent after high school, but not now?!

 

Guess living and learning is what life is all about though.

[penelope13]

SO, with all this insight - what are you planning to do about it? What is the goal you are working towards?

[redrose85]

Try living on your own for a few months before the wedding. I LOVED living alone and it really made me ready to live with my SO. It also helps you to get to know yourself better.

[ThatGirl24]

SO, with all this insight - what are you planning to do about it? What is the goal you are working towards?

 

Good question right there. My main goal is to stop worrying so much and try to be a little more independent and real with myself each day and arm myself with POSITIVE THOUGHTS only so I can handle this whole entire process step by step.

I need to remind myself that 30 miles is just a piece of cake and my parents and family are supportive and will love me and we will see each other, just not 24/7. I guess I just think once I move, they'll all disappear - and how SILLY and dumb is that!

I know I need to rely more on my fiance/future husband because he is the new one I need to lean on as we start our OWN new life. I know it won't be easy, but deeply and truly I want a happy marriage and a little house we can call our own.

 

I do want this new life and new experience - as much as I fear it and as much as it paralyzes me sometimes, I think I need it. (How contradictive, but I'm serious). Deep down but I don't want to admit... I think it will open up new doors and experiences that'll help me grow. I even am going to go back to college and have his support.

 

Soooo.. baby steps. Maybe a counselor can truly help and I can start a whole new perspective.

[thejigsup]

Live on your own for a year before you get married. Preferably about at least ten miles from your family. Learn how to be an independent adult or your marriage will be in trouble.