Taking back control

[changeacomin]

After receiving this recent email (posted below for reference) from my ex, I've had some kind of mini epiphany:

 

"The biggest part of all this was realising that I didn't want to be bound to one place.

There was also the realisation that by being a part of a long-term relationship I was missing out on something. I never had that wild and free period that you and most other people did. I think it was the belief that it could be still possible. Possibly as a result of the extra confidence generated by this new job, people, in particular women, have responded differently to me. Or maybe I'm imagining it. Maybe I'm deluding myself. This seems even to me to be a fairly childish, immature reason to offer as to why we ended, but I want to be totally honest."

 

 

I've realised, I can continue to torture myself by questioning whether or not he still loves me, whether he'll change his mind, whether or not we'll ever be together again. But it's as clear as crystal from this email, that all of the questioning, the running round in circles, is pointless. It makes no difference. The bottom line is: He simply didn't love me ENOUGH. He didn't love me enough to stick around.

 

And from there, I've reached a whole new place inside my head. WHY am I wasting all this energy, crying, fretting, worrying, etc.etc. over someone who doesn't love me ENOUGH? Someone who has dropped me after 6 years because he wants to see "what he might be missing". Why would I do that to myself? He doesn't deserve me. He doesn't deserve the depth of love I had for him.

 

It's not HIM that's making me feel distraught. It's ME. I'm giving away my power to a man who doesn't deserve me. I'm allowing HIM him to control my emotions.

 

Phew! I feel like I've taken back just a teensy bit of control.

 

P:S Is this the "anger" stage?

[Bolegged04]

My mother always told me, DO NOT give anyone power over you. Once they know that they have power, they will play on it. Stop feeling distraught and pick yourself up. Get your self back. Learn to LIVE, LOVE, LAUGH again. Show them that you are in control of your own life. Waste energy on school, shopping, hanging out, working out, hobbies, not crying and worrying. DO YOU and have fun while you are...

[mhowe]

I know it is hard to be where you are, OP, but it's also healthy. You are in charge of your life, and how you respond to things and other people. So yes, take back control of your life and your emotions, but him and your relationship into the "lesson learned" category, and move the hell on to happiness!!!!

[ParisPaulette]

Congratulations changeacomin, you have reached a vital stage of the breakup cycle and as someone who's been through a very similar experience I am glad to tell you, you'll be just fine. Your ex, meh maybe not so much once he realizes all the new toys in the world won't change whatever prompted him to leave a solid relationship in the first place. I do think our cutlure tends to push the myth of "one must go through a wild period to know what they want in life" a bit more than is necessary. But hey gotta sell that booze, nightclubs and porn some way right? (Yes, I am being sarcastic)

 

But yes, at least your guy was honest with you about why he left. In short he's all but told you he is, at least temporarily, suffering from the Grass Is Greener Syndrome which you might want to take some time to read up on here at eNotAlone. It certainly made me see my ex in a whole new light and helped me tremendously to realize the problem wasn't about me, that I couldn't do anything to change him, and in the end that I didn't want to. He's looking for something he may or may not ever find. And I don't have to put up with it, wait for him, or in any way have to involve myself in the drama of his life.

 

And you don't either as you now realize. You are free to go out there and also experience the world and find someone who's a little more emotionally mature, which I am becoming more and more convinced might well be the problem with alot of these GIG syndrome relationship breakups - one partner is at a different emotional stage than the other and in the end that can be a serious mismatch. So allow yourself to feel anger and all the rest of it and heal.

 

I do now advocate strongly for complete No Contact, especially in these type of breakups where one partner thought all was well and the other suddenly out of nowhere dumps the apple cart on its end to run off chasing a bright new shiny object. NC allows you to heal and decide what is best for you and your life. Not the ex. So yes, take control, it feels good and it's healthy and it's right.

[changeacomin]

Thanks ParisPaulette. That was a very reassuring reply from you.

[ParisPaulette]

You're welcome and glad I could help. It does get better as time goes on and eventually you'll probably reach the stage of just being bored by the whole thing and then excited about the new things and people that enter your life. Time really does help.