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EX Started to Reach Out Again and Unsure What to Do.


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First off guys, thank you so much for this site as I never thought I'd make it this far. I basically need advice on how to proceed with Ex and will try to keep the history short.


The Breakup:

-Ex broke up with me in May, no reason given but I can clearly see it was due to my neediness, LDR, stopped taking care of myself, made her my world, etc etc.

-Breakup wasn't nasty as I handled it well, pursued her for 2 weeks (rookie mistakes were made I admit), but I don't feel that bad as I really did care for her.

-Went NC at end of May and I started kicking major a*s in life: lost ~35lbs, got in shape, new wardrobe, killing it at work, made new friends, traveled to South America, stuck with NC(!), went to concerts. Everyone around me has noticed the change and is proud of how well I've done.

-Her Bday was in July and I called and wished her happy Bday and kept it short to about ~5min. I could tell the call was wanted, she was happy and relieved to hear from me. I didn't take it as she wanted to get back together though so I went back to NC as I was still emotionally scarred from break up.


Her Reaching Out:

1) Started dating a girl I met at the end of August and I took all that I learned from relationship with ex and I applied it to new girl. I was confident, nonchalant, a better version of myself. Was into this new girl and helped me forget about ex.

2) The day before I go on date with new girl Ex's "radar" goes off and she reaches out with a "Guess who's going to Cali???" type text. Call it a breadcrumb if you want but coming from this kind of girl it seemed as an attempt to reach out as she hadn't done so all summer. I kid you not people, Ex's know when you're moving on.

3) I replied a few hours later, nonchalantly and friendly. We correspond a couple more times and I exhibit same behavior. Ex says "Hope you're doing awesome!" and I do not respond. It was tough to not respond and I felt like an ass but honestly, the old me would have been too excited to respond or would have been needy and said "You too!"

4) I thought me not responding would have closed the casket but guess what? A week later ex texts again about wanting to be FB friends again. We speak on this and I was nonchalant about the whole thing, the fact that I didn't text back previously got to her as she realized I was moving on. Again, we have no beef and I can't blame her for breaking up with me. She asks if I'd accept her request as she doesn't want me to ignore her.. I see the wisdom in saying no but every situation is somewhat diff. and I saw this as an olive branch. I accepted but on the phone with her I acted unaware that we weren't FB friends as I was not checking her out due to wanting to heal.

5) A week later ex texts me on a Friday night, mind you we only have corresponded during reasonably hours in the afternoon and she responded with a "random" text about some musician I introduced her too back during our relationship. I know now not to read too much into these texts but I can tell how she's using it as an excuse to reach out. We text lightly and she puts her cards on the table saying how miserable she is right now with grad school, etc etc. I don't respond to that because I feel like the old me would have tried to console her with her situation but I just say, "I understand, seems like you have the right mentality, etc". She basically replies with have a good night I don't want to bore you with my sh*t". My friend who saw the texts and knows my situation well saw the weakness in this text, hard to explain but I know what he meant.

6) New girl and I end things, wasn't working out and I'm not hurt about it either, it was a fun few week fling and it helped me in a weird way to get mind off ex.

7) Ex and I speak on phone for 15min a couple days ago. The whole dynamic is diff. now and I'm just doing good, being cocky with her, putting her down in a friendly way, haven't brought up the relationship at all. I can tell she's interested somewhat by the way she's reaching out and taking my playful insults as I dish it out to her. I can tell guys it's hard to explain and I'm in a much better place as our correspondence doesn't affect me like it used to. She is also bringing up times and stuff we did during our relationship. I notice a pattern of how she brought up the musician I showed her when we were dating and these times we hung out. Hard to explain too guys but I feel like she is missing the good times, all the good stuff we did are starting to pop in her head.

8.) I feel diff. about our situation now, I'm basically very skeptical of her intentions (does she genuinely miss me, is she reaching out because she's miserable or just wants to keep me in my life, etc, etc).

9) Lastly, I've done great at keeping our talk light and fun, but also showing her how good I'm doing, I've also excelled in validating her and not consoling her or trying to solve her problems like I used to. Hard to explain but all that I read on ENA this summer I've automatically been applying.


So, if you're still here. Thank you. I basically am confused somewhat. Emotionally, I'm not as excited to pick things up with her again. Not because things ended badly...I'm beyond the dumper/dumpee, victim mentality. It's just that I don't know her intentions, I'm somewhat afraid of what to do next, and I'm a little scared that I've somehow misread this whole thing and am potentially exposing myself to emotional hurt. I'm not expecting her to say "Please take me back!" but she is somewhat saying it in how she's been reaching out and responding to me. Hard to explain guys but I can feel it.


TL;DR. Ex is reaching out. Ball is in my court as she has been showing her cards some what(I may have not revealed all this in post but trust me when I say that she has) and I'm in such a better place than I once was. What do you advise? How should I play this? Yes I would consider giving it a second try as I've grown and am in a much better spot this summer with my neediness, attractiveness, just overall mindset. My buds say to keep things cool for now until they plateau and then take it from there.


I'm hesitant though because I've seen guys fall for this only to have the girls just want to be friends. This situation feels diff. though and I'm speaking from a position of strength. Thanks for any advice and thank you for just listening.

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I think what you are doing is perfect -- do not get caught up in it until you think her intention is more than being friends. Keep moving on with your life --- it's not like a decision is necessary in the near future. That neither of you has brought up the past doesn't mean it goes away. You have put yourself back in control of your own life, and it is attractive to her. How much? No one here knows. So, deal from strength, and until or unless you get the strong impression that she wants to get back together, don't let yourself settle for less than you deserve. Good luck.

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Mhowe thank you for the reply. It's funny in a way. Back when we broke-up I never thought we'd be speaking like this again. Seems like the time apart, the fact that I didn't pursue her, take the breakup as badly as she thought I would, took control of my life has messed with her head. I'm not trying to mess with her head but I'm def "playing the game" in how I respond, calling her out playfully, being more assertive and cocky, how long I respond. It seems to be working too and I don't want the girl to feel bad but I feel in my heart I should be carrying this as if we just met and taking things slow.


The dynamics now are so different that I'm just surprised by it. It's surreal how she's lost her power in the past two weeks, she's no longer this mythical person with sway over me, it's almost vice versa. She's excited/relieved when I respond, picks up the phone on the first try, was dissapointed when we couldnt talk to catch up the other night as I would be out and about @ the bar with friends by the time she was able to call.

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Eh, the relationship has already had the seed of doubt planted. Can you really see being with someone forever who rejected you. It also seems pretty common that someone like her really is just lonely and nostalgic, but at the end of the day all the doubts she used to have may come flooding back. The best thing that you can do is when it comes time to decide to be together again, have a stark and blunt talk cutting right to the truth. Expose any and all doubts and if they are serious then eject.

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I agree with you mhowe. Stay strong oscar. I wish I would of had your strength at the beginning. I did the crying, asking why, sad part at the beginning, but now at 2 months later, I am stronger and LIVING, LOVING, AND LAUGHING. I promised myself that I will focus on me and put myself in control of my life.

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If you are different, and are a bit careless now... then you shouldnt care if you are being friendzoned. So, even if you are friendzoned... WHO CARES? Have fun, if she meant something to you, then dont lose out on their friendship. Go out and continue to be busy, confident, cool and careless. Just dont return to that weak man you were. Your "friend" is a number with a history now, she needs to work at it too.

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Thor I totally get what you are saying.


Here is the predicament. I still care for the girl and would def. consider getting back with her. Unsure of her intentions and the best way to go about it. Is me still considering getting back with her a bad thing at this stage? I don't think so, if I feel this way back in June/July then totally but I feel more healed, that chemical emotional feeling is removed.


It's hard man I don't know what to do here. Half of me says keep moving on and let her pursue but the other half feels that if I do the window will be gone.

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The window doesn't disappear. If you don't know what you want, don't make any changes in your behavior yet. Just keep doing what you are doing. Don't pursue. If you keep up this behavior that is attracting to her, w/out pursuing her, at some point she will show more cards.

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Know what Mhowe you are absolutely right and I guess that is the test for me right there. A couple months back I would have sort of been freaking out as I was feeling I was losing her; similar like I did when she broke up with me hence the initial chasing.


And know what, each time we corresponded and it ended I felt like that would be the last time I'd speak with her and I was eventually surprised when she reached out again. Best bet is to keep playing it like have and let her reach out, my neediness in the relationshep and the need to talk to her and see how she's feeling was the catalyst for her to leave; don't want to repeat the same mistake...

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And know what, each time we corresponded and it ended I felt like that would be the last time I'd speak with her and I was eventually surprised when she reached out again.


I've been broken up for a bit over a month. My ex and I have said "Goodbye" about 5 times now with each time really meaning it to be the last. Considering I go to the same college as her I will probably have a few more "Goodbyes" with her...

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