Friend with benefits

[bob333]

I've just split with someone, she didn't have the space or time for a BF (single mum with two kids), first night we had sex she asked me what I wanted, a relationship or lots of , being a gentleman I replied 'a relationship'.

 

I knew as soon as I said that I obligated her, I now realise I shouldn't have done it, and should have let her lead the agenda - but she was always saying 'take control' in the bedroom, so I did.

 

Anyways - I dont think I particularly want a relationship right now - and a friendship with benefits would suit me perfectly at the moment.

 

Any suggestions how I could steer this back round, I think friends with benefits is what we both wanted, but I'm never so sure about the lady - is that what a woman 'really' wants ? best part is we are already friends, we got on quite well, if I lose her as a friend thats fine, it wont be a huge loss for either of us, I think we both want a bit of sex and intimacy - but our lives are so busy and dont want the full on commitment stuff, just something light and fluffy.

 

I'm hoping to pop in and see her at the weekend to pick up a book I'd left at hers. I'd like to broach the subject, as a woman I know its a more sensitive subject, any pointers for that conversation or situation ?

[charity]

you have nothing to lose by asking i think. but are you sure you don't have deeper feelings for her?. suppose she gets interested in someone else? will you be detached enough to be able to deal with that as a friends with benefits would?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I think we both want a bit of sex and intimacy

 

You won't get intimacy out of an FWB. An FWB is all about sex. People like to kid themselves into thinking there is friendship and intimacy involved. Nope, the end goal is sex...any dinners or talking is just the foreplay for the main event. If you really just wanted sex, why didn't you say so in the beginning. What if she had actually wanted a relationship and you told her what she wanted to hear..but your goal was sex only..that is not being honest. You got lucky this time and found a woman who just wants sex...but really...being a gentleman means that you don't pretend, you are up front about what it is you really want this way if the woman wants a relationship, she doesn't get herself involved with someone who says relationship but really only wants uncommitted sex. As for broaching the subject...I think you can be very direct with her because she made it perfectly clear that she is just looking for no strings attached fun. I don't think you will be insulting her by telling her that you understood from your last conversation that she might not be looking for a relationship, simply casual fun and that you are interested in that kind of thing with her.

[bob333]

CAD umm, Do I feel lucky ?? , have I got lucky, not really, I quite like this lady, and she likes me, but her ending it has told me a relationship is not what she wants.

I was willing to commit, be the surrogate dad - in fact I really enjoyed my time with the kids, so no I wasn't just after sex, in fact I think she felt obligated after I suggested I take her out on some proper dates ... she texted to break up and say that she admitted she'd been leading me on saying she couldn't in fact go out, and hoped I'd find someone that i deserved. So I think its the other way round if anyone wasn't being up front ... I was committed.

 

But with all that in mind I am a bloke - and I think with this one I could avoid falling in love, and from her actions she most likely could avoid that too.

I'm still recovering from a 12 month period of heart break, and just simple intimacy for a few hours with a bit of sex would do me fine, I dont think she wants me around for more than a few hours at a time, so i'm quite happy for her to chuck me out at the witching hour, I have a busy social life anyway. She did say to me she gets quite bored just on her own sometimes, so I just feel a bit of company for both with sex would be great for both of us, its very relaxing.

 

I dont do the 'sleezy' stuff like FWB very well, I should practice at it more maybe, I come from the school of thought that feels a woman is best in a relationship - and so with this lady I just assumed thats how she wanted things to be - I always throw my hat on the ring - and usually end up in a relationship, but my head is so burned after my last experience this would just be ideal, I just wanted to make the lady happy I guess, and still do, how ever she wants it.

 

I dont think she made it perfectly clear from the off she wanted no strings fun, in fact nothing was very clear, it just happened, its only as things have progressed its all come out in the wash.

Yes I'll just be up front and tell her what i want, I'll do it in person - if I get the chance, I guess I need to show her I wont be a burden, and can come and go quite easily, that way she wont feel obligated. My problem before is I was trying to make her happy - too much, she once called me a gigolo during sex, maybe I need to be less touchy feely for her, I just cant help thinking a woman wants more than just a hump, which is what i do too, but just centred around sex, I guess I need to cram in a lot in 2-4 hours then before I'm chucked out. I think I'm over analyzing this too much, just say what i want, i have nothing to lose, at all.

 

I can do just sex, I am a man, my big concern is ... can she ??

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I am not convinced you can just do sex if you now say your original goal was a relatioship. Also, you are feeling burned from the last relationship. I wonder if it won't be YOU that will get emotionally involved and when she blows hot and cold (which is what the less invested person in an FWB typically does...blows hot when they want sex and blows cold when they are not in the mood or are having sex with someone else) you will get very hurt and it will compound the pain you are already feeling from the break up. This has bad idea written all over it. As for intimacy...you would do yourself a big favour by never thinking about an FWB in terms of intimacy even for the few hours that you are locked in each others arms. It is all pretend..it is not the kind of intimacy that is emotionally fulfilling. It is all pretend...real intimacy comes with a desire to be a true part of the person's life...not just for a few hours for the purposes of getting an orgasm. What you are feeling is very lonely and you are willing to grab any pseudo-intimacy to ease the hurt you are feeling...but you will end up feeling more hurt after the hour of good physical feelings.

[Day_Walker]

I dont think that you can avoid the collateral damage that will be caused by saying that you want to have a FWB instead of a relationship. Also when she asked what you wanted she seemed to be looking to see what you were interested with what she was already on board with. Meaning she already had her mind made up. I would address the topic but instead of being a "gentleman" you should have been honest.

[bob333]

Umm, who knows what we really want really, right now I'd like to meet her for an hour or so and have sex and a bit of a cuddle, if she chucks me out after thats fine - I'm happy sleeping on my own (I have sleep issues - see my other thread)

She's ended any 'relationship' that was, so thats not what she wanted, I feel quite unscathed ... so know that I can remain uninvolved, key is to not fall in love, and I know I can do better, so I think I will be the one up.

I feel she just wants something to fit in in the brief moments she has to herself, I know she thought I was sexy and would undress me with her eyes, but her life is with her kids - not any partner.

But I need to ask, I'm programmed to think a woman wants to be made to feel special, which I always try to do, I never treat a woman purely as just wanting sex from me ... maybe that has to change then, but I although a woman might think like that I've got the impression they dont like to appear or be reminded or told thats in fact how they are, woman are far more subtle ... almost like they need to deceive themselves and the person they are involved with, who they have just sex with, almost like they want it to be a grey area, so no one can go, 'your just in this for sex' - a woman is socialised to not be like that, for variuos reasons.

So I think being up front and saying in so many words 'do you just want to have sex' ... wouldn't be greeted very well, after all we are both deep down loving caring individuals, but we both know that long term our goals will be outside any connection we make, hers is her children who she loves to bits (and is lovely to see) and me (no knowing she doesn't want a relationship) I will eventually move onto something better, for now though just happy for some part time loving, both our lives are very full and busy, and it would suit us both.