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Journal of my relationship and BU with Mary

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I am keeping this journal because I want to record all my memories before they fade away and have a record to go back to in the future. Today, I got up after a relatively peaceful sleep meaning no dreams of her. I have been dreaming of her often, so painful. As I drove to school I had an odd sense of hope, I was sure she would somehow contact me and say she wanted to work things out, that it was a mistake and she loved me, but no messages, nothing at all. Its been since July 11th, the last time I saw her. We had a big fight when she was so sick, and I was so tired and I wanted to be there for her and asked her what I could do for her but she didnt let me do anything. When I did see her, she was mad that I didnt read her mind and help her. There has been limited and sporadic contact since then, the latest arranging the exchanging of things.


I aksed her if I could bring her her stuff since I gathered that is what she really wanted and she replied that she was still sick and that yes I could leave her things in the garage when she wasnt there. At that point a week or so ago, I realized that it was over, and she was just done. But strangely, she was sending me forwarded email jokes. I still dont understand it. Was she trying to lighten a dark time, reach out to me or what? Strange but this is what non communicators do.


There was so much that was good, she was almost always there for me. She was good and generous and loved me. Why couldnt she just talk to me? Why was she so shut down? Was I that bad of a partner?


On Friday of this last week, knowing she wanted the return of her things and after ignoring a few of my emails and such I sent a letter stating that as much as I loved her, I needed to let go and part of that meant deleting her off facebook and asking her to delete my daughters and friends so we could move on privately and separately which she immediately did. I told her I couldnt be a friend and that I had to let go entirely, and to please not send me forwarded emails and to contact me. I havent heard a thing. Even a small thing as a joke email tore me apart.


Every day, it is getting a tiny bit easier and a tiny bit harder. Its harder because "We" are slipping into the past. There is no more us, just me- Lauren and her - Mary. Two beautiful women who have birthdays a day apart and tattoos of dragonflys with each others initials hidden in their wings.


I have never loved anyone more in my entire life, at 51 and I dont see it happening again.


No more laughs about our doggies, no more daily talks, no more of her holding me when I wake at night saying "I got you" "I got you", no more planning special meals for us and lighting the candles for our special time. No more seeing her beautiful smile and freckels, no more being called LaLa or sweet baby.


I really want call and beg, I want our problems to go away and everything to be Ok again for these last months to have never taken place, but no such thing is the reality of life. It has happened it is happening and I dont know what the future brings.


My days are still consumed with her and I am starting to smile and laugh again. I want to hate her, but she is too good of a person to hate, so I am just stuck with regret and pain. I feel like I am in a fog of sorts and I want to be free but yet I dont want to be free, I dont ever want to stop loving her and I am afraid of what will change in me as I heal. Will I forget her? Has she already moved on from me? What does she think of me? Does she cry like I am now?

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