Angel Irulan Posted September 28, 2011 Share Posted September 28, 2011 I've been friends with this lady for years, and she took me to a website with a message board and chat room. I said something political in response to another persons comment and yet another person chided my friend for what I had said, after I'd left the room. She then asked her to email me and tell me not to say it again. That's bad form, IMHO and if she had something to say to me she should have said it herself to me, and not bug my friend about it. I got the email and I asked my friend not to get involved in situations like this, it feels like the grade school bully mentality! But my so-called friend didn't tell me that it was just one person who complained, it was a few people she said. Today, I went back to the chat room and the monitor had not erased any of the conversation after I'd left. It was one lady who lives in Japan who had said these things about me, no one else. My friend explained me to her in ways that I found impolite. I'm a crusader? Opinionated? Okay, if that's what she thinks, why would she want to be my friend? And then there is the huge lie that I simply cannot get my heart around: she told me it was more than one person who had a *problem* with me. I called her on the phone and confronted her with what I'd found. She confessed that it was one person and said she'd lied because she didn't want to single anyone out. I responded was it better that she's saying that a whole group of people just dislike me over something so trivial? (You should have read complaining ladies diatribe!) I told my friend that I didn't care for the way she handled it. She should have said something along the lines of: "that's between you and her." Then stepped out of it. The room was public. Did I go too far in telling my friend I found her lie about the number of complaints heinous? Angel Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rosephase Posted September 28, 2011 Share Posted September 28, 2011 Yes. It really isn't a big deal. She invited you to a place where people knew her. You did something that upset a person there (and possible your friend) your friend still feeling responsible for you because she introduced you to the place and the people tried to be a diplomat, my guess is she was hoping to ease the tension by someone friendly asking you to change your tone or to calm down. Nothing done was heinous. But it's fair to tell her that perfect honestly is important to you and that you would rather deal with people one on one then have her be a go between. But really it shouldn't be a big deal. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RedDress Posted September 28, 2011 Share Posted September 28, 2011 Well... I can see why you'd be upset over "crusader". But "opinionated"? I'm opinionated! I think it's a good thing. Much better than wishy-washy, dance around the issue types... So - IMO, here's what happened. Girl started talking to your friend. Your friend tried to defend you while trying not to be lumped in with your opinion. I agree that she could have said "that's between you and her". And actually... if girl asked her to email you, she could have just said "sure... I'll get right on that" and ignored her. Why confront you at all? It's dumb. It's a forum. It's an opinon. You are entitled to your opinon, offensive or not. Since she DID, in my opinion, cross the line by stirring the pot and making the drama bigger by confronting you... I think you were completely right to call her on her lie. If she's going to confront, confront with the facts. But now? I think you should let it go. I think it was emotion-induced. I think she was upset. Embarrassed. Feeling attacked (by girl). Sometimes, forgiveness is in order. Since you called her on her lie - I bet she'll think twice about doing it again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Galaxo Posted September 28, 2011 Share Posted September 28, 2011 I dont think so. The first time I find out a friend lied to me I tell them the next time it happens I will tell them to have a nice life before they never saw me again. If I cant trust someone, that someone is not going to be around me. Friends have seen me cut people out of my life just like that over trust issues. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Angel Irulan Posted September 28, 2011 Author Share Posted September 28, 2011 Yes. It really isn't a big deal. She invited you to a place where people knew her. You did something that upset a person there (and possible your friend) your friend still feeling responsible for you because she introduced you to the place and the people tried to be a diplomat, my guess is she was hoping to ease the tension by someone friendly asking you to change your tone or to calm down. Nothing done was heinous. But it's fair to tell her that perfect honestly is important to you and that you would rather deal with people one on one then have her be a go between. But really it shouldn't be a big deal. I agree it should not be a big deal but before I saw what she had written I'd asked her not to defend me! I said if someone wanted to say something to me, they should deal with me and not her. What gets me here is that she made the whole thing sound bigger, and more hurtful, by saying that more than one person was involved in it. I felt hurt by the gang bashing I thought I was getting, and now to find out it was just my *friend* lying to me is even more hurtful. Angel Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Angel Irulan Posted September 28, 2011 Author Share Posted September 28, 2011 Actually her life is even more drama than mine, and I wonder now if she does it for attention. I have so many REAL problems, that I do not want to deal with this type of issue, ever. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rosephase Posted September 28, 2011 Share Posted September 28, 2011 Could it be that your friend was upset by your comments? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Angel Irulan Posted September 28, 2011 Author Share Posted September 28, 2011 She has a love interest that works at that web site so it's possible she was upset, but I didn't say much of anything, except to make one small point. Evidently, I hit her hot button and then she lied about it and to me. I don't know how forgivable that is. Lying to me, and making something small worse in doing so, is something I just can't abide. Angel Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sunnyv Posted September 28, 2011 Share Posted September 28, 2011 I would let it go. We all makes mistakes...we are human. Talk to her tell you how you feel then squash it. See how she acts going forward. Lifeboat about learning from mistakes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rosephase Posted September 29, 2011 Share Posted September 29, 2011 I don't want to upset you but you did come to a place that she knew and you didn't and you did something (unintentionally) that made her feel unsafe. It's a little over the top but, think of it this way: She invited you to a party where a bunch of her friends were and you said something that upset one of her friends a lot (and maybe it was something that upset her?) now not only is it awkward she feels like she need to negotiate the damage done by talking to you herself. She feels embarrassed that the person she brought caused someone else (who is more a part of the group) to have an issue. She also likes you so doesn't want someone who is upset at you to scare you off so she steps up and tries to play middle man. Good choice? For some people yes, but for you no. Intentionally hurtful? 100% not. Placating and exaggerating to get the point accross? yes. What did she say exactly? That a few people were upset by your post? maybe a few people were, maybe her and this other woman were? Maybe she knew that it was upsetting to other people without them telling her? You reaction seems over the top to me. What were you guys talking about? Why are you upset that she would try to ease communication between two people she knows? Why do you feel the difference between one (obvious and identifiable example) and some (which might be more sublet or her projection) is the reason to be this angry at her? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Angel Irulan Posted September 29, 2011 Author Share Posted September 29, 2011 The point is rosephase, she lied to me about who was upset. She said it was multiple people and she lied about that because I saw the unerased chat! I could have gone to that room at any time, with or without her. Membership or knowing others was not required! You only had to be a member of the site. The rest of your post does not make any sense to me! She told a lie that hurt my feelings and I just don't like that. Angel Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Angel Irulan Posted October 2, 2011 Author Share Posted October 2, 2011 Just to update the situation. I offered my friend forgiveness, but I really no longer trust her. I no longer like her either. My reasoning? At my expense, socially and emotionally, she made a bad situation worse by stirring the pot. Let me point out that she's been in situations where she's said she broke up with her friends, they retaliated, and she's gone on the warpath against them. She didn't *say* she went on the warpath, but I kind of wondered what she was doing * * * * * ing to me about them. That was a big fat red flag and I blame only myself for missing that one! And, she only used their real full name once, but I don't appreciate anyone doing that to anyone. And I most certainly don't want to be on the receiving end of that either, hence, I forgave it and will watch carefully everything I say to her in the future. Have a great weekend! Angel Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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