Moving Forward?

[Lavender25]

I just wanted to run this past you guys and get a little advice. My ex and I have been broken up for over 4 months now and while we work in the same building, we've been pretty much NC. I haven't seen him since the night we broke up, but he's been reaching out to me in some form about once a month for the past 2-3 months. For those that don't remember, he broke it off very suddenly saying that there wasn't a spark and didn't know if he saw a future. But based on his emotional state at the time (he was crying) and how sudden it all was, I didn't believe his reasoning. I was very heartbroken but I told him that I wanted to respect his decision and that I didn't think I could be friends but if he wanted to try again then he knew how to get in touch.

 

Most of the contact has been via text with him asking how I am. We chat back and forth for a bit about our lives, but then conversation drops off and I don't hear from him for another month. We have somehow developed some mutual friends through our jobs and I've heard about him mentioning me to people. He has made no mention of having made a mistake or wanting to get back together. I know that's the big thing a lot of you are going to point out and I know that is important, however, I don't think my ex is the kind of guy to be brave enough and come out and say that. I'm even surprised to be getting any kind of communication from him at all. I find his personality to be laid back but also very timid in certain situations. I also don't know if he would make the "first move" because the night we met, I pretty much did that.

 

The last contact we had is what has been boggling my mind. I changed my routine and went to the gym really late one night, got home and logged onto Skype. I had stopped logging in because I really only talked to him on it and I didn't want to keep checking to see if he was on or not. Well, this time he was on and he messaged me almost immediately. He asked if I was there and I paused for a moment in shock, but then told him I was and we started talking. He started the conversation saying that he remembered something embarrassing but thought I would find it funny. Then he told me about the night when we'd first met and started talking and how he got nervous and left the bar to walk around in the snow for a while and ate some granola bars. I did find it funny because he has an unhealthy addiction to a certain granola bar and I always made fun of him for having at least one on his person at all times. I even bought him an entire case for his birthday. I laughed when he told me and then the conversation continued for about an hour.

 

We just talked about work and our job searches. We are still friends on facebook and I know he's been keeping tabs on me. He asked about the interviews I've had and when I told him that the one I wanted was in Seattle he said, "and you'd be willing to move there?" I told him yes but that the position was only from Feb-Dec and I didn't know what I would do after that. He said "oh, ok that's very cool then. And Washington and Oregon look stunning." A bit more chit chat and then our connection started to get bad and it was late so I told him that I had to get to bed but that it was really nice talking to him and he said the same and we both said goodnight.

 

*Sigh* I don't know if any of this means anything. If anything, I'm glad we spoke because I've missed him so much. I don't feel like chatting with him has set me back. I haven't felt poorly emotionally or anything. I will go forward with this move because it's something that I want and feel like I NEED to do, but I know I would reconcile with him if I had the chance. I mean, I know he's looking for a new job and he said he would move anywhere for one. He could come with? But I guess I'm jumping the gun here because there was no talk of reconciliation...

 

Anyone have any insight here?

[happymeboy]

no talking of reconciliation was a big plus for the both of you...I am a guy and i would have done the same thing to dont rush anything...take it slow but make him work for it as he broke up with you and u wanna make sure that IF the chance to get back is there then it wont happen same mistake...

Its looking good but keep ur eyes open...

[Eocsor]

You're still in denial. Deep in it. He was very clear about how he felt. You're grasping for straws right now. He told you exactly what was going on but you chose not to believe his reasoning. Right now you aren't going to listen to any advice unless it goes along with what you want to hear. Thats OK, a lot of people do that at first.

 

In time you'll be forced to accept the truth of the matter and when that happens just remember, it's not the end of the world and you will recover from this and go on to a better relationship with someone who actually cares for you. It just takes time to get there.

[Nick Lansing]

I think he's very gently kind-of reaching out... I don't think you're grasping at straws, but I don't think he's necessarily initiating a reconciliation either.

 

I remember you from another thread bc my story is kind of similar (timing and also the dubious "spark" comment), and I remember thinking in 3 or 4 months you and i might well hear from our exes... neither of us had done anything bad to cause the breakup, and the breakup seemed... strange. It's been my experience that after three months or so feelings have died down enough that the ex sometimes feels emboldened to reach out, if they're not seeing someone else... it's happened to me three times in my life.

 

I heard from my ex this week too. Not a long convesation like you had, but some flirty contact, more than I've had since we split. I'm not jumping to any conclusions and some othyer women are interested in me, so at this point I'm pretty close to healed. We'll see what happens.

 

Anyway I'd take it slow and let him initiate the contact at this point. Don't assume anything, and continue moving on. Don't consider him at all in your decisioon re: the job. Don't jeopardize your healing over this. Good luck!

[Lavender25]

I could be grasping at straws, but I don't think I'm in denial. I know we're broken up. I've even gone out a on few dates with a couple of guys since my ex. However, nothing was promising and I even got upset because there was no spark with these men. I even remember thinking while out with one of them "I really hope he doesn't try to touch me." That only made me think of how my ex could say there was no spark with me. I mean, you know that kind of thing after the first date. You don't carry on for months, meet each others family, and develop the type of intimacy that we had and then come out and say there's "no spark." Either there was never one and he carried it on for way too long even though I gave him plenty of outs (I don't think this was the case) OR it was something else. But anyway...

 

In our last text convo we both admitted to missing each other. Again, it was nice to hear but not the "I WANT YOU BACK" that we all hope for. I guess I've been doing the "nonchalant" thing without really thinking about it. I wouldn't change any of my current plans for anything. But I guess I'm hoping that we can at least get together once before I leave and have a drink or something. It would be nice.

[Lavender25]

I remember you as well.

 

In the times that your past exes have reached out around this time, what was the end result?

[ToF]

I think the reason for the break up and the reason for his sporadic contact can both be explained by the presence of another woman.

 

I know that you won't believe it, as you guys have been keeping tabs, have mutual friends, and work together. But trust me - if someone wants to hide something (even a relationship), they can do it. Easily.

 

His reasoning for breaking up with you may have been that he didn't feel the spark, but I bet there was a catalyst at work there, which is why he still showed you emotion while he was breaking up with you. He may have been confused about his feelings for you, then another woman sparked his interest and he left. Classic grass-is-greener syndrome.

 

And regarding the once-a-month contact ... This is very typical of someone who is dating someone else, even casually. He wants to make sure you are still around, and when he gets bored with this other girl he knows he has someone to talk to.

 

Keep in mind that if this is what's happening, it may not be intentional or even conscious on his part. I just think it's something you should be very careful of.

[Brownstone322]

You're still in denial. Deep in it. He was very clear about how he felt. You're grasping for straws right now. He told you exactly what was going on but you chose not to believe his reasoning.

Where did you get all this? I know her story in detail, and if there's one thing the guy didn't do was to make himself clear. To the contrary, he spoke in clichéd euphemisms. That's hardly unusual, but it's not revealing either. I never did figure out what his reasoning was, but I always suspected that his "official" explanation was a cover-up for the true explanation. That's not unusual either; cold, hard facts are difficult to obtain during a break-up.

 

Similarly, I don't know what he's up to now by maintaining light contact. Maybe he's still in that "guilt phase" and is trying to be "nice." I dunno. I'd practice avoidance, and I think most people would do the same. I saw a woman for a while in the summer before I opted out, and, believe me, I don't wanna have any contact with her now. She lives up the street, but I avoid her like the bubonic plague. I see her walking her dog from time to time (that's how we met), and I always wave, but I'm wishing one of us would disappear the entire time. (Come to think of it, I wish she'd take a job in Seattle.)

 

I think the reason for the break up and the reason for his sporadic contact can both be explained by the presence of another woman.

That would explain everything, and I told Lavender25 that a long time ago. We need evidence, though.

[Nick Lansing]

When my exes reached out, I had either moved on by then or, in one case, we did reconcile, and it lasted another year and a half before we split more or less by mutual agreement.

 

With regard to ToF's comment, I suspect my most recent ex got back with her prior ex, either right before or shortly after letting me go. I think she was having doubts about us that had little to do with "spark," and she turned to him, in a lot of ways the safer choice (he knew her and her family for years, lots of friends in common, much simpler and less educated, not much threat of him cheating on her etc.).. She defintely seemed conflicted when she broke it off with me, but with him around, she never had much incentive to come back to me. Anyway, that's my theory.

 

Also, the one ex with whom I did reconcile was with another guy (met him several weeks after we broke up), and she didn't come back until they had broken up. It's possible your ex may have split with someone else, thus motivating him to contact you, and that may be the same situation with me.

[Brownstone322]

It's possible your ex may have split with someone else, thus motivating him to contact you, and that may be the same situation with me.

Let's say that's true, because I thought about that too. Then it'd be about time that he owns up to the entire story, even though he'd face a lose-lose dilemma: If he suddenly came clean, it'd expose him as a crass opportunist now and a liar then. If he didn't come clean, then he'd be a liar who has stuck to his story. (By "liar" I'm referring to an intentional "sin of omission," that is, withholding information that's obviously pertinent.)

 

On the other hand, if it's not about another woman (and possibly a split), then ... I still dunno. The "lack of spark" story never rung true with me.

[Lavender25]

The possibility of another woman has always been there. When I was going over every possible explanation there might be, I thought that it might have been a woman that he worked with that also happened to be an acquaintance of mine. She and I had worked on some plays together and have been tied to a few of the same guys in our town. I never suspected anything during the relationship, though, because I didn't have a reason to. I know that they spoke on occasion but they were just friends. I do get jealous of my boyfriends having female friends because of past relationships, but I'm trying to get better about it.

 

After the break-up, I stalked both of their pages trying to find any type of communication between the two of them but never found any. A few times her statuses would pop up in my newsfeed and I would cringe and go off the deep end imaging that they were about him and they were together. Then I saw that he was helping her move out of her apartment and in with her parents. That's when I stopped checking. Next thing I know, she's in a relationship with some guy in Australia and is going to visit him with plans on relocating completely next year... and the ex and her aren't "friends" on facebook anymore. I wonder if something happened here? Maybe he was keen on her and she chose the other guy? But why would he help her move into her parents house to save money to move and be with this other guy? I guess I could speculate all day and won't know what really happened there.

 

I find the idea of another woman really hard to believe because this is a guy that hardly dates and had never been in a serious relationship before me. Unless it was another girl back in the UK the whole time, then I STILL don't know what happened. I always assumed that he just got freaked out by how serious we were getting. Or that he was being influenced by the people he is living with. For those that remember, he is living with family friends/cousins (they are in their 50s) and the woman of the house had issue with me staying over and I had a feeling it was causing a lot of problems. She was the one that told him that if he wasn't in love with me by now (after 4 months) then he should break it off with me and spare my feelings. Now I'm finding out that she and her husband are going through a bitter divorce and my ex is living in their house right in the middle of it (what a person to get advice from...)

 

I've wondered if maybe his family at home found out I was of a different race and took issue with that, even though he told me that it wouldn't matter. It's not religion. Pretty sure he's not gay (but who can be sure these days). The reason why we broke up could be anything but I can be nearly positive that it wasn't "lack of spark." I've moved on from trying to figure out why, but now I'm wondering the reasoning behind his contact. I've never understood the guilt thing. While I've never had to break off any serious relationships, I have stopped a few casual things and after I'm done, I'M DONE. I'd rather you not exist. Needing to check in and see if the other person is ok to relieve guilt completely escapes me because, usually, I don't care and the guy was a jerk anyway.

 

If I started a conversation off with an ex "remember the night we first met and..." then I would be leading up to something. That's just me, and I'm biased.

[Lavender25]

I have another little update. After going last night I came home around midnight and logged onto Skype. After a few moments, he messaged me a "hi." I said hello and he asked me if I had done anything fun tonight. I said yes and told him what I did, even though I get the feeling he already knew what I was doing because I'd put it up on my facebook with some photos. Again, we talked for an hour until I started to get really tired so I ended the conversation by telling him I had to get to bed. This is the second contact we've had this week.

 

The conversation was pleasant, but neither of us brought up the relationship/what happened. He did make a comment about a conversation we had when we were dating, but nothing like when he made that comment about the night we first met. Still, he hasn't commented as to why he's suddenly started contacting me or if he feels differently. He initiates, and I usually let him lead, but last night the conversation was sort of dying off and I realized I was starting to lead it and then I stopped and said it was getting late and I needed to go to sleep.

 

Emotionally, I'm happy to be speaking with him. I know that I want more, but I also know that I'm focusing on trying to get this new job. I think that's the only thing that's keeping me from having a "set back" from contact with him. Still, I wish I could just get into his head and find out what's going on!

[ToF]

The only way to find out what's going on is to ask him. I wouldn't get your hopes too high, though; if he wanted to reconcile, he probably would have made it more apparent by now.