How do you know when it's the point of 'no return'?

[octour]

I'm at the point of still going thru my breakup even though she is seeing and sleeping with somebody already. We were together for 3.5 years and she met him before she broke up with me. She was hanging out with him 2 weeks before she ended it with me and 'with' him 1 month out of our relationship. It hurts like hell.

 

My breakup was the result of outside circumstances and my inability to overcome then. Basically overworked and grossly underpaid. This led to neglect in our relationship despite trying to do everything she and I could. She hit the wall and met someone. So she said 'screw this' and went with her gut. They have been together ever since.

 

Shortly thereafter, I let her know that she lied and for how long in front of this guy and her father. I gave her what she deserved, minus the name calling. I should not have done that and I regret it.

 

But I do understand that she had the mindset of 'how much more can i do, it's going to be this way forever.' I can't say I blame her, but I can blame her for how she handled the breakup. She should have been stronger and stood on her own two feet. She didn't do it because we were incompatible, she did it because she felt it was always going to be the same. And the same wasn't good, and the changes I promised never came. But she wasn't 100% gone until she got to that comfortable point with the new guy, very weak of her.

 

I finally reached that point where I can get myself out of this mess and start rebuilding me. That is what we both wanted. But she was done waiting. Hurts like hell again. But this is a major step in getting back ME and my healing process.

 

I still really love this girl but know that I cannot even think about us getting back until I am healed and my stress is zero and my career is great but doesn't control my life. That is steps 2,3,and 4.

 

I can see us patching things up, slowly. But how do I know if she will ever have that feeling again? I know this is a moment of weakness, but how can you tell if you should throw in the towel and walk away without ever looking back? Or, is that the mindset that yields the most options? The option of trying to reconcile because she notices the changes in you (please keep in mind, these are for me and not for her) or meeting someone else and forgetting all about reconciliation? There has to be a point when one of you says 'absolutely not, never again'. How can you tell if either one of you has reached that point?

[happymeboy]

I wonder outloud...what the heck do u need a person who in times of need takes off with somebody else ? Come on!!! Waky-waky...wouldnt waste a sec in thinking about that person...only that fact will erase all memories of my head...Plenty of good women out there, trick is to dont settle for anything...aim high!!

Look for somebody stable, reliable and mature...Honestly,and with all due respect, she aint worthy the time u spent writing this thread...Again, plenty of women out there who will be willing to meet u and get to know u...i have been single for last 3 months and lost track of the number of women ringing my phone...i go out to bars and places and always meeting ladies...just make sure to look at ur best and have a fun ride...give urself a chance cause she wont!!!

[mactownman]

You are way past the point of no return. She egregiously disrespected you and showed very little concern towards your well-being. Patch things up? You have got to be kidding me. She emotionally cheated on you and made a cold and calculated decision to leave you for another man. You can never trust her again. Walk away and never look back. No contact forever.

[Eocsor]

Well, she's with someone else now so I think throwing in the towel would be a good idea. Plus you called her out in front of her father. People don't usually forgive or forget that kind of humiliation. She's moved on and so should you. You say you are changing for yourself but you seem to be hoping that these changes will attract her. You need to get out of that mindset and simply work on things that will make you happy without regard to what she thinks.

 

Let her go. Who knows what the future will bring but right now she's moved on and so should you.

[Angler]

I feel your pain man. My last relationship (before the one that brings me here these days) was ended by cheating on her part. I went through the same thing you are going through. The pain is unreal, I know...you'd rather the person had died than to do that to you, because it would hurt less.

 

I looked for reasons, and even rationalized, why it was my fault that she cheated. I loved her dearly and looked for a way to forgive and forget.

 

Truth of the matter - the point of no return was when she stepped out with the other guy. If she'd had the decency to break up with you first before hooking up, then that at least shows some degree of respect.

 

I put myself first and went completely NC. She didn't deserve the time it took me to respond to her texts.

 

Her relationship with the other guy lasted a couple months before she broke up with him and started telling me she missed me and never let go of the thought of us being together, blah, blah, blah. Ignored.

 

The only hard and fast rule I have regarding break ups now - If she cheated, she doesn't exist.

 

Be well. It gets better.

[octour]

Thanks for the quick responses. I have been trying to figure out something I can say positive about how she handled this. That 1 thing is that she didn't sleep with the guy before she broke it off with me. But I do get all of your points. It's a roller coaster ride and this is a moment of weakness. Thank you for your insights.

[octour]

And after reading your posts 2-3 times more, calling her a 'lying piece of s%#t in front of her father and her new 'friend' was probably the best thing for me. No wonder I felt so good right after. I proved to her father that she is a liar, her new guy that she is a liar not only to me but him as well, and humiliated her in the process. She got what she deserved. There aren't too many people out there that are even able to have that chance. But the day of our race, she invited him and knew we would all see each other. She tried to rub it in my face but only wound up backfiring directly into her own. I guess my only question is, how in the world did she ever think that I deserved this? I know that I didn't and that's why it hurst so much. I will never know the answer to that question.

[Angler]

I guess my only question is, how in the world did she ever think that I deserved this? I know that I didn't and that's why it hurst so much. I will never know the answer to that question.

 

And finding out isn't worth looking back.

 

Just take comfort in the fact that I, and many others, have gone through the same thing, and come out the other side feeling true indifference towards our exes...not hate, not anger, not sadness...just not caring.

[Aqua066]

Stay strong Octour! Go NC and work on yourself! Although its very hard you have to give up all hopes of reconciliation and just focus on getting you back first. I know the feelings your having regarding your ex being with another guy... it sucks!Nothing is going to help except staying NC, keeping busy, working out and time... You can do it. I know there will be weak moments, I get them all of the time. Its knowing that they WILL pass and not doing anything stupid when those weak moments occur.

[Lavender25]

The minute the ex is with someone else is when I say GAME OVER.

[octour]

You guys are awesome! If it weren't for this forum, I would have done some pretty stupid things that I reget. I probably would have begged, come up with a list as to why it would work etc etc. Thank goodness, I found it! It has really helped and it's great knowing I can find a thread here that helps me with whatever emotion I am having during this breakup. Because of this forum I have not gone past her house, not called, not texted, not returned calls or texts, not gone to her work, pretty much I have done nothing of the sort. All I did do was tell her off in front of the two men that now mean the most to her. Why? Because she made me look like a schmuck and feel like a schmuck. She totally deceived me, she lied to me, she thumbed her nose at our 3.5 year relationship and friendship, and she used me. And there isn't 1 thing I have ever done to deserve this treatment. I am only guilty of overworking because I had to or be forced out onto the street. I wasn't feeling like the bigger person about an hour ago because of my name calling rant this past weekend, but now realize I could have continued to call her every name in the book including the biggie, and still would have come in a distant 2nd to the disrespect she showed me. I have nothing to apologize for and she has to live with everything that she has done. I am positive that one day, she will find her conscience, and she will be completely alone. Underneath, it's probably what she really wanted.

[EgoJoe]

Now is the time to actively push thoughts of her and situations regarding her out of your head until you can achieve an unattached perspective. I learned this the hard you. You did good and handled yourself well. I'd rather you be unstable here then with her etc.

 

Keep your head up brother! You're the man for calling her out on her BS and telling her Dad and new Dude. You're also the man for not going, "Ok I'll stop running here like a good little biatch!"

 

You did good, rest assured!

[octour]

I have spoken to several close friends making sure that what they are telling me isn't just what I wanted to hear, but what they really think. And they all say the same as you EgoJoe. I feel great about it. And the one thing that everyone is really amazed at is this. She knew we were both going to be there. She tried to create space between me and her so she could concentrate on him despite all the claims that she wanted to remain friends. What she didn't think of was me telling her off and proving that she is a liar in front of the new guy and her dad. She kept saying standing right next to this guy that 'we are just friends'. Wouldn't that eat away at you if you were him? You've been dating this guy for two months and he's been taking you places, buying you things, texting you constantly, and now sleeping with you. And she's says they're just friends. Not to mention the fact that I proved to everyone there that she is a liar. It would eat the hell out my insides if I were this guy. So if her plan was to create space between me and her, she got it. But she also created space between her and the new guy. Plan backfired. So be it. She deserves nothing, and I really hope she gets it.

Up to that point, I was thinking I couldn't have worse luck. But what are the odds that I got all three of them together and let the cat out of the bag? Somebody up there likes me and what goes around comes around.