I Think I Am Codependent.

[AloneAgain19]

Alright so, I havent been on here in quite a while since my ridiculous breakup.

Up to this day, I've been doing pretty great, my ex still texts me and confesses her undying love to me when shes drunk etc, but today I stumbled on something.

 

I'm a psychology major and I was doing a little reading about codependency issues and I think my past relationship may have left me with some underlying problems of this kind.

 

I'm a psych major and I evaluate myself regularly, and this is what I have come up with so far...

 

I have noticed for a long time that I'm a fixer, I fix peoples problems for them and I take care of things and it has become my identity. Heres a few things I noticed that are codependent behavior:

 

I was thinking about...

-How riled up I used to get about my buddies girlfriend treating him like * * * * and watching him deviate from everything he stands for as a man and a person.

-How afraid I am to approach people I don't know, and how I drink sometimes to alleviate that (at parties etc)

-When my friend raises an issue he is having, with an ex, or with someone in general, I end up acting like a damn social worker and sitting there and being the most interested party in the problem. Thats great for my profession, but not for my self.

-I have a pretty sub par self image I think.

-I feel unfulfilled if I havent received some kind of attention from the opposite sex in a while

-I do everything with one of my friends in particular, and I feel like I am replacing my relationship camaraderie with a friendship somehow.

-I am either really over the top outgoing and funny, or I am reserved and dont talk too much, I have no happy medium.

-I come from a broken family where I was the fixer for my mom after she was destroyed by her divorce and my dad's cheating and alcoholism.

 

I might be tripping myself out here, but I kind of just stumbled onto this because I was reading a book in the coffee shop accross the street from my new apartment, and a beautiful girl was sitting accross from me, and I couldn't get up and talk to her because I thought I would be bothering her, and I couldn't think of anything to say, I froze, and she left. I realized my self esteem isn't what it should be and I have issues with approach, but a pull toward women that is almost agonizing because of my need for partnership.

 

I have noticed this stuff because I have been thrown into an environment where I need to do everything over. I transferred schools, I am at a school with 6 times as many students as my old one, and I dont know anyone. I have met probably 5-6 people in the month I have been here.

 

I hope I don't sound nuts, any advice here. I just broke this down into the tiniest pieces I could, I self actualize like nobodies business but its knowing what to do after that gets me.

[Betweenthebars]

Quick question: in relationships, do you need constant contact? Do you feel lost without them? Miserable when they aren't around?

 

I used to be very co dependent, still am to a lesser degree, and those are usually tell tale signs of it.

[AloneAgain19]

Quick question: in relationships, do you need constant contact? Do you feel lost without them? Miserable when they aren't around?

 

I used to be very co dependent, still am to a lesser degree, and those are usually tell tale signs of it.

 

Well I havent beent in a relationship since my last one, but yes my last relationship was the most codependent relationship I have ever seen.

 

First love situation, dated for a year and a half, she lived in my dorm room with me, we got upset with each other when we didnt hear from each other for a while. I didn't want to do anything without her pretty much, and same with her for me.

 

I think I may have worked past that part, but if not that would be scary to fall back into.

 

I always try to find problems with myself when I see symptoms arise which is kind of stupid but I feel this is a real issue for me.

 

I have trouble saying no, and I will spend money sometimes when I shouldn't so I dont miss out on what the group is doing, and I also do things even when I don't feel like it or am too tired.

[AloneAgain19]

I feel a lot better after coming to this realization oddly...I think that might have been a lot of what I needed.

[Betweenthebars]

Sometimes just writing everything out really does wonders. It helps me, at least =)

[TearsofFate]

It's alright to want to help people (even if it makes you feel like a social worker). Try to imagine yourself if you didn't sit down and listen to your friends needs? Imagine what it'd be like to have no feelings or care or concern for others (I'd imagine it would feel numb and horrible).

 

I don't think that particular trait about you is bad at all, or means your codependent. Although, if you really feel it in your heart that you are codependent then maybe you could be. Don't lable anything yet. Perhaps talk about it with a social worker yourself Stop being the social worker for a bit and ask for some advice Try not to beat yourself up over it too much.

 

You also have to remember, people go through phases (experiences, different emotional phases) as they grow up. During a first relationship, someone might DO ANYTHING to stay together with that person since it's their first love. They might try and buy them the world, or injure themselves just to try and make the relationship work. Upon realizing this doesn't work (and the relationship is wrong) they might try not to or ever do it again. It's a normal learning experience.

 

Also, I have learned that some people I say no to more than other people. For example, it's hard to say no to my brother because 99% of the time I know EXACTLY what he's going through so I try and help. He's 1 year younger than me so he always seems to be going through a kazillion experiences I already dealt with so I offer help. I also tend to do favors for him whenever need be and as long as they are normal favors. It's just hard to say no. While other people, who I find hurtful to me, I say no to.

 

Are you saying no to your ex who wants you back?

 

It's okay to help your friends just make sure to help yourself when need be to.

[AloneAgain19]

Hell yes I'm saying no, you can look at my old threads if you wanna see why, but it was bad, and it was also 10 months ago, its old news, she just thought she could do better, had sex with someone else, and then realized I was the best thing that ever happened to her.

 

Yeah I actually feel a lot better, but I think I'm still a bit off haha, I kind of had to reconstruct my personality after the stuff with my parents

[He2Him]

I remember your story mate and it's great to see you realize that you're codependent. Which I'm also, just realized that this summer after an affair. And as I've always thought a lot about life and stuff, I see this realization as the first step in getting rid of codependency.

 

And it not only feels better to know the name of cause that's been causing problems all along, but also the fact - that once you know who's your enemy, you know how to fight it and your victory over it is inevitable - is great.

 

Definitely keep this updated, I'm interested in hearing what your way of solving the issue is. So far I realized that to get rid of codependency I have to create environment completely opposite to the one in which it breeds. With primary objective keeping the focus on myself all the time.

[AloneAgain19]

I remember your story mate and it's great to see you realize that you're codependent. Which I'm also, just realized that this summer after an affair. And as I've always thought a lot about life and stuff, I see this realization as the first step in getting rid of codependency.

 

And it not only feels better to know the name of cause that's been causing problems all along, but also the fact - that once you know who's your enemy, you know how to fight it and your victory over it is inevitable - is great.

 

Definitely keep this updated, I'm interested in hearing what your way of solving the issue is. So far I realized that to get rid of codependency I have to create environment completely opposite to the one in which it breeds. With primary objective keeping the focus on myself all the time.

 

Well I began by naming it, I decided I was going to try and stop letting myself be so intimidated by talking to people so I started talking to some of the girls that work at the gym, and I told a girl I think is cute that I wasn't going to go to the event she wanted me to go to tonight.

 

I just feel a whole lot better with the naming to be honest, I cant believe you remember my story lol its been a long time

[sunnyv]

Hey man great to see you back.I wouldn't label yourself yet becausevyour young and you have the power to change. Just be aware of your actions. That's all you can do. Next time smile at a pretty girl or just try it walking down the street to a total stranger. It will help you. I get that way too...its life bro. But font yet so down. Good news is you can change.