All but lost the will to live...

[usc823]

Well, I don't know how much longer I can survive in my current state. If you have ready my other thread you know what my issue is. Basically, I am dependent on a guy who I don't know is gay to live my life. I think he is gay, or I don't, or I do, I'm not sure. This is how my process of thought goes day after day. I have nothing in life going for me. I have a * * * * job that pays bad, I do bad in school partially because I cannot focus on school work because I am so preoccupied with him all the time. Whenever I am around him, my life gains purpose. I love him so much that I cannot stand being away from him, and the worst part is that I never get to see him. When I do I can't truly enjoy the visit because I am trying to gauge his sexuality the entire time. I mean one minute he is all over me and smiling at me and being really sweet, and the next he is just kind of neutral. He does things that make me think he is gay, and then he does things that make me think he is straight. It is so hot and cold with him it is making me ill. My health is going downhill. I never have any energy, and all I do all day is lay in bed or in front of the computer and dwell on him. I literally have nothing in life that I care about except him, and I am reaching the point where I think that without him I will completely lose my will to live. I fear rejection from him because I know that if it ever happens I will be done...

 

I can't keep living this way...

[Incog]

Hey man,

 

dont be reckless with other peoples hearts, and dont put up with people who are reckless with yours. if its making you this depressed, you need to change. stop thinking about him, stop dwelling, think about something else...i know, its hard...been there, got the "i feel so pathetic" t-shirt...but, and i have to be blunt, this sounds like an obsession. not love. gay, bi or charlie sheen...whatever the outcome...you need to take a step back. it aint easy dude, but separate yourself from him, just organise your thoughts. at this rate, even if you work up the courage to ask him, if you dont get the answer you want you could spiral. I'd hate to see you unhappy(er), even though we have never met.

 

seek no contacts, and you will find union

[TwilightLurker]

I apologize if this sounds harsh, but you're living this way because this is how you've chosen to live. You've chosen to live a life that revolves around the life of another. Even in relationships where both individuals love each other, that's not a healthy or stable way to live. You have to live for yourself first and foremost, and that means you need to take an active interest in your own life. You say you have nothing in life going for you, but that's because you have chosen not to pursue what life has to offer. You say you have a poor-paying job that you hate, but imagine if you invested the same amount of time and energy into finding a better paying, more pleasant job that you have dedicated to this guy. You say you're doing bad in school and can't concentrate, but if you let it sink in that you're sinking your chances of getting into a good college and leading a secure life, the concentration would be there. That drive to better yourself and enjoy life needs to come from within, not from someone else. The only way to have such drive is to believe that you are a person of worth that is in control of your future.

 

You need to have the ability to make yourself happy before you're ready to enter into a relationship. You need to learn how to live for yourself before you take a boyfriend. You need to build a life for one before you can build a life with someone else, and even after you're with someone, you'll find that the healthiest and most stable relationships are a result of the individual maintaining successful personal endeavors. What I'm saying is, you have to live for yourself first. This is how self-worth and self-esteem are built up.

 

I know how you're feeling because I've been there. It does hurt, brutally so. I'll be blunt, if you find out he's not gay or he doesn't feel the same way toward you, it's going to hurt a heck of a lot more. I can tell you though that with time, the pain fades and you begin to feel alive again. It depends though whether or not you take charge of your life. Work towards your goals and one of those goals should be to make friends. I'm not saying just make friends with other gay people, but people that you can have fun with and draw support from as well as offer support to when needed. It's hard to be alone and not have any help to deal with powerful feelings and seemingly big problems. A circle of true friends is just about the best thing you can have in life because you're never alone and there's never a time when life appears to lead nowhere. In order to attract friends though, and this is also true when attempting to attract a boyfriend or girlfriend, you have to be your own person, with your own dreams and hobbies and you have to have a degree of self-worth, too, or people aren't going to want to be around you.

 

I just think you need to re-evaluate yourself. Your life is hollow because you've elected to not fill it up with things that are meaningful. Your purpose cannot be to exist for another and another person can't make life worth living for you. You'll never achieve a lasting and real happiness that way. Ultimately, I think you may need to seek professional help because I feel there's more going on here than just your feelings for this guy and honestly, someone that's trained in psychology may be able to better help you make sense of your feelings as well as provide you valuable guidance. The depression you're describing could potentially spiral toward something tragic, especially since you're gay and a teenager, so I'm definitely concerned with all the aforementioned factors in play, that you don't remain in this state of mind for too much longer. If you truly mean that he is the only thing you care about in life, I think this is something that needs to be addressed immediately, preferably by a professional.

[usc823]

I know that I need to get help. I am at the point where everyone notices that I am in a funk and my mom has even stated that she will help me get help. The only problem is that she wants me to see a Christian counselor, which is all well and good, but I can't really talk to a Christian counselor without it turning into a conversion therapy. I need someone impartial to talk too so that I can explain my true feelings. Everyone around me sees me as a greedy bastard because they think that I am obsessed with things and that I think life is all about acquiring "stuff". All I am doing is searching for something to fill the void, but nothing can. I am a big car person, and I am trying to find a good car, so that;s all I really talk about and everyone thinks that since I keep running into walls in my search that I am depressed and greedy because of it. It is all a cover up, a way to distract myself because I know the real problem. I know that I will never be happy UNLESS I am with him. That is the bottom line. When I was in the backseat of our friends truck the other day and we were looking at pictures of puppies on my phone and commenting on how cute they were I felt happy with him. I felt like we belonged, like we were together. He even held his hand out to me and told me to feel how cold it was, and then commented "cold hands warm heart" while smiling at me. He locked eyes with me earlier and smiled for a good 20 seconds while I made faces at him, and this was a DEEP eye lock, like he was looking into my soul. It's just those little moments that make me even more sad that I cannot hold him close whenever I feel the need to be in his presence.

[TwilightLurker]

Pick your own counselor. You can look up local counselors online. I don't think a Christian counselor would help in this situation. You have a right to choose who you want to see.

 

Have you ever searched for events and locations specifically geared toward gay people in your city? Go to Google and try typing "Gay life in..." and put in your city, or just Google your city and the word gay and see what comes up. If you meet other gay people and find a couple or more good friends, you'll have someone to talk to about your problems do fun stuff with, and hey, seeking out openly gay people may prove very beneficial because you may find a great guy that makes you forget about your crush!

[Coolstorybrah]

I agree with Twilight, you should really start seeing life as being in your control. Right now you are letting this fantasy of a relationship reign over your school life and emotional life. I know it's difficult, I've fallen for a straight guy.. who hasn't, but in the end you need to be able to be happy with yourself no matter what. Counseling will definitely help your cause. Most schools even have a counselor on campus that are more than willing to help and are FREE! Take advantage buddy, you deserve to be happy with or without this guy.

[usc823]

I am hopefully going to be able to see a counselor sometime soon. I have made my mom agree to look for one considering all the OTHER * * * * going on in my life. Its just until then that I have to try and survive... I am actually at his house right now. We have gone to bed for the night so I am stuck to suffer until morning because I am sleeping on a mattress in his brothers room instead of sharing a bed with him. He was really sweet tonight, almost the entire night he smiled every time he looked at me. We were also sitting watching football and we had our legs crossed towards one another and he started playing with my foot with his toes. I moved my foot b/c I thought I heard his mom coming and when I re crossed it he went back to it, commenting on how I had cold feet. He was just all sweet and smiley like that all night. It got awkward thought when we had a few minutes alone, I froze and couldn't really say anything important to him. We then went to bed... I am going to have a rough night...

[usc823]

Just and update on how confused I am. We went to a football game last night at my school. While he was sitting with me I was happier than I have been in a while. Something about him just makes me smile and feel good inside, something that I never have unless I am with him. He is SO flirty with me, weather it be facial expressions or touching me when he is talking to me. He stood really close to me and had contact with me almost the whole time. If I named all the cute stuff he did I could go on forever, or just couldn't remember it all. The best way to describe it it, like I said, is flirty and cute.

 

Now the entire time he was being flirty and cute he would suddenly, almost like if someone flipped a switch, stop and start acting kind of dismissive and nervous. He would then start looking around the stadium like he was looking for someone. Then, the switch would get flipped the other way and he would go back to being sweet to me. It literally is that sudden of a change. What I feared, that he was looking for my sister, came true b/c half way through the second quarter he got up and went off saying that he "was going to get some food" and he never came back. I didn't see him until half time when we found him walking around with my sister and another friend. At this point I almost threw up. I probably was visibly "white" because I was so sick. But then when his brother asked him to come with us, UNLESS HE WANTED TO STAY WITH THEM, he shrugged them off and came with us, walking next to me. He then proceeded to be flirty with me again. Like he went and sat on a railing and smiled at me and called me over to sit by him etc... We then went and sat in the stands for a while. He was flirty there as well, just saying. BUT THEN, at the start of the 4th, he left again! This time I didn't see him again until we met in the building after the game, and of course he was with my sister and her friend. But AS SOON as they came in and he saw me, he ditched them and started doting around me. Walking close to me with them behind, being smiley and such. When we got out to the cars he and his brother got a football out and started throwing it around. My sister and her friend had gone to my car. I was following them as they were running with the football to tell them goodnight. I said to him once "I have to go" and he said "awww, stay". I then played around with them for a few minuted before approaching him to really say bye and he came up to me and hugged me. It felt like a really sweet and sincere hug.

 

This situation is SO confusing. One side of me is telling me that he likes her, but is really, really comfortable with me. The other side tells me that he is CRAZY for me, but is too scared to do anything about it and tries to ignore his feelings, letting them slip through once in a while. I don't know if he is actively trying to disguise his feelings for me, or when he goes off with my sister and her friends he is just hanging out with his friend group. We have different primary friend groups, and maybe he is just wanting to hang out with them. I probably would want to do the same thing in order to make my attraction less obvious. I really need for this thing to come to a close...

[TwilightLurker]

I too think the healthiest course of action is for this to come to a close for you. Right now, the feelings that you have for him are completely controlling your life and the consequence of that is your quality of life is suffering when you're not around him. I'm extremely hesitant though to recommend you come out to him because if you do, and he tells you he's not gay, I'm concerned with what you might then do because this guy seems to mean the world to you. If you had a close circle of friends that knew about you being gay and supported you, then I would be more inclined to say come out to him and get it over with because regardless of his answer, you'd be able to move on with your life and you'd eventually be free of the pain and doubt. Since you are alone though, and your state of mind is so heavily clouded with pure emotion, I can't tell you that the best action would be honesty right now. Considering how obsessed you are over this guy, you really shouldn't be alone should he not be gay/interested and you learn this first hand. A supportive group of friends would be able to help you get through the aftermath of it all and stop you from slipping further into what I believe would be a dangerous depth of depression.

 

I'm more inclined then to recommend that you take a good, long break from this guy. Just don't interact with him. Give yourself space so that some of the feelings you have for him ease up and you're able to think more clearly without so much raw emotion flooding from your heart and into your head. I think it would be extremely helpful if you focused some of your time making some friends that are gay or lesbian because look, it's good to have friends that can be there to listen to your problems, share your interests and just be with in times of happiness and sadness. Distance and relationship-building might be the two most important things for you to do right now.