Can't stop thinking about the girl he left me for

[MuscleSpasm]

Why was I not good enough? I can't stop thinking about all the things they've probably done, are doing and will do. All the cute flirty messages they must exchange, etc. I'm so miserable.

[Smile12]

I remember that feeling I'm sorry! Just keep your head up.. you'll find someone better!

[WildHorse]

I'm right there with you!! I think that a HUGE character flaw in somebody is their ability to continue being with someone while starting to pursue someone else. I think of it as the person never being satisfied with a good thing, and always looking for better instead of nurturing what's right in front of them. I may be the one who's alone while he's uploading pics of himself and his new girl on vacation, but I would 100% rather be a person who values & appreciates her s/o, instead of someone like him. I don't know about your case, but for me, I believe that his new "relationship" will run its course when the newness wears off, and he will again be looking for the next new thrill. I believe that my ex's priorities and sense of loyalty & committment is all jacked up, and I think he's got a lot more to work through than I do. He's gotta sort that mess out, while I just have to find someone worthy of my time & emotion. I'm getting the better deal, I think. This is what comforts me... Hopefully some of that applies to you, because I felt a lot better when I started looking at things that way.

[laura40]

Why was I not good enough? I can't stop thinking about all the things they've probably done, are doing and will do. All the cute flirty messages they must exchange, etc. I'm so miserable.

 

Hey,

 

Urgh I know that feeling well as I've experienced it a lot!!

 

I don't know the background but it's hard whatever the situation is.

 

I just hope you feel better soon, here's a smile and virtual hug for you!

[MuscleSpasm]

I think of it as the person never being satisfied with a good thing, and always looking for better instead of nurturing what's right in front of them. I may be the one who's alone while he's uploading pics of himself and his new girl on vacation, but I would 100% rather be a person who values & appreciates her s/o, instead of someone like him. I don't know about your case, but for me, I believe that his new "relationship" will run its course when the newness wears off, and he will again be looking for the next new thrill. I believe that my ex's priorities and sense of loyalty & committment is all jacked up, and I think he's got a lot more to work through than I do.

 

This sort of thinking is what's been helping me so far, but I still sometimes think that maybe it was just me, that I wasn't good enough. Maybe he'll finally settle down with this girl and live happily ever after while I'm forever alone.

 

He's had a few serious relationships, and the longest one, he bailed out on it because "he just wasn't feeling it anymore." But then later while breaking up with me (before continuing to string me along) he told me he still had feelings for that ex and that nothing was wrong and he regretted it. I'm sure if she wasn't in Hong Kong and dating someone else, he'd have gone back for her.

[thelastsong]

This sort of thinking is what's been helping me so far, but I still sometimes think that maybe it was just me, that I wasn't good enough. Maybe he'll finally settle down with this girl and live happily ever after while I'm forever alone.

 

He's had a few serious relationships, and the longest one, he bailed out on it because "he just wasn't feeling it anymore." But then later while breaking up with me (before continuing to string me along) he told me he still had feelings for that ex and that nothing was wrong and he regretted it. I'm sure if she wasn't in Hong Kong and dating someone else, he'd have gone back for her.

 

Sounds like he's got problems, and it definitely isn't you or your fault. He needs to learn the true meaning of commitment, and no one can teach him. He has to figure it out on his own.

 

It's kind of along the same line as cheaters. It doesn't matter who they're with; they'll keep running around looking for something new and better. You're more than good enough for him, and you'll eventually find someone who can appreciate what he has and not go thrill-seeking.

[horse2000]

I am feeling that right now. I am still getting over my ex a year later and he is now onto girl number 2. I only know this because I found out before I finally went NC 2 months ago. Since then I assume this new relationship is going strong blah, blah, blah. Knowing he is with her and living life happily is extremely painful.

 

It hurts and I can't stop assuming that he will live happily ever after with her and I will be forever alone.... At the end of the day I know that I am strong and I will overcome these feelings. It will just take time and for me it seems that it will take a long time..... It sucks and it is not fair that he is happy and has probably forgotten about me while I am struggling everyday to overcome the feelings of pain, anger, regret and grief. I often blame myself.

 

However, life is not always fair and I do believe (deep down) that I will be happy again with someone. I just need to give it time and get over my ex first. Yes, he is with someone else and it hurts like hell especially if he marries her etc... but that is just the way it is - I can't control it.

 

All I can do is be the best person I can be and learn from my mistakes in that relationship and take it into the next relationship - you can do this too.

[MuscleSpasm]

When will I stop hurting and thinking? How do I do that?

[thelastsong]

When will I stop hurting and thinking? How do I do that?

 

Personally, I just try to not obsess about it. Whenever I think about them together, I just clear my mind and think, "Let it go." It's really, really, really easy to lay in bed and drive yourself crazy thinking about your ex and their new partner, but you've got to just tell yourself to let all the bad feelings go. Much easier said than done, I know, but just try to catch yourself obsessing, stop the thoughts, and move on to thinking about something else.

[horse2000]

I agree with you thelastsong. When the thought comes - let it go.....

 

Better yet - don't stay in contact with your ex. What you don't know won't hurt! I made this error when the ex and I first broke up. He went to someone else and beacuse I kept in contact with him, I knew almost everything that he was up to with her! Bad mistake.

[AvonRepus]

I know how that feels,I was thinking for 3 months straight about the girl that my husband is with..Thank God I never knew anything about her so I managed to control my obsession.

Later on I found out that the relationship failed (thanks to a love letter I found),she was complaining about the rough times they were having and all that . And I am thinking well this doesn't have to do anything with me,I let him go(kicked him out heh) and I didn't interfere. So it's all him. And her. So the honeymoon stage doesn't last long.

His next relationship was only a month old and he was trying to get back together with me meanwhile. So..like somebody before said -his priorities are all jacked up,he was lying to these girls the same way he was lying to me,sneaking,cheating... But I take pride in knowing that I was the one that got away and my heart hurts for all of these girls out there that don't know what he's capable of.

Don't you think that just because your ex is with somebody their relationship is all unicorns and rainbows. The truth is that most likely they will have the same problems that you two had but you have the opportunity to work on your flaws and heal yourself till you end up well-rounded and complete person. And yes I know sometimes these rebound relationships or whatever end up something more but that's not the rule-that's the exception

I am thinking this way-if my husband couldn't man up and be loyal and trustworthy person with me- his WIFE,I doubt he will be that person for somebody who he met a week ago.

 

I think the right thing to do is to ignore his existence,block everything,pull a total no contact. Trust me you will feel way better. I asked all of my friends and family to not tell a single word about him-good or bad and vice versa. I'd rather act like that person is dead . He is toxic.

[1guygirl]

THIS ^ absolutely....

 

my ex ex ex...he pushed and played out his new gf he left me for, they both played it to be fair, they both got off on it, and it hurt bad at the time. then bout two months in, predictably, he started making digs publicly at her, tried to contact me publicly on my profile praising me, so she would see. i instantly deleted it cos i wasnt gunna let him drag me into his stupid games, even if it would have hurt her and i had the chance to get my own back if you will....but nah...i knew i was worth more and i already had my validation right there.

 

ex ex, well he would flirt with other members on same forum we'd go on...so i deactivated my account til i was over him. a while later we did speak in a chat room on a diff site, and he went on about us, and his new gf he played it as not being entirely happy or content. i didnt react.

 

ex...hmmm well....now hes added lots of new girls to his fb, they send him messages with xxx at end of them, he returns it, and i think...cheers for helping me see you for what and who you are. whether its meaningless or not, and jus the ego or trying to get a rise from me, stuff like that doesnt impress me, and i blocked his page.

 

me on the otherhand, yeah i can own my flaws, i can work on them, but being with people who still try to push your buttons in such a way wont help me overcome them. i cannot afford to let their sh** keep me down from my true self. until they stop projecting, deflecting, playing, and change themselves, then worrying about them and their new "percieved" life isnt gunna help me on my journey of inner peace, let alone my final destination of true happiness.

 

it is what it is, but not what it really is x

[MuscleSpasm]

He's driving out to meet her tonight. I know because I called from a blocked number and heard the driving, but I didn't say anything. Why did I do that? I'm going crazy. I'm so lonely. While I'll be alone and crying myself to sleep, he'll be spending the night with her.

[UnchainedSoul]

I'm right there with you! I was dumped too and it took a long time for me to get over. As a matter of fact that feeling "of not good enough" is still with me and is travelling into my current relationship and causing problems I think. But *hugs* to you. YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH!! He just wasn't! Chin up!

[mg22]

iam going thru the same pain, my ex of 5 yrs dumped me and started seeing someone right away, i think of both of them being together, she replaced me, but i have to move on ! i have to face reality, hes no longer with me , he didnt love me ! i keep repeating this in my head and somehow it gives me comfort, iam sure the day i meet someone he will be alone, iam focusing on myself now, i do feel sorry for the new women hes with , because believe me he will play her too !!

[soundlessvoice]

I feel you, I dumped my ex of 5 years because he was practically fawning all over another girl. I found out one day that he had hundreds and hundreds of text messages to her daily and even phone calls... so the "they are sending cute messages to each other" was happening while I was with him. I still think "man...was I not good enough?" ... but then I start drilling in my head that I am awesome and it's his loss. And even if I don't know you, I'm pretty sure you are amazing as well because the ones who feel "they weren't good enough" are the most beautiful ones

[Destiny2112]

Oh I know so very well how you must feel right now

I have been dumped for someone else as well last year (they already got married after only a couple of months of being together *sigh* ) and for the first 3-4 months, I couldn't help, but think of them together ALL THE TIME, especially at night, before I fell asleep... and it was horrible, it made me feel SO BAD, but I just couldn't stop crying and feeling sad

I blamed myself for each and every little thing that I said or didn't say, did or didn't do... and it took me a looong time to realize, I didn't do anything wrong - I'm not saying I'm perfect (who is?!), but I didn't do anything that bad to deserve to be treated that way!! I also felt not good enough and wondered why he chose her over me, what was better about her, etc...horrible!

 

Now, more than a year later, I must admit I still have some days where the whole story brings me down, BUT it hast gotten much much better... it just takes time and for me, lots of time... whenever my thoughts start to wander again, I keep telling myself, that it doesn't matter what they do or don't do together. What matters is ME and only ME! And that he simply doesn't deserve to still have such a power over me and my thoughts. Those are MY thoughts and I am the only one who can control them... I also keep telling myself that I have to ACCEPT the situation, no matter how miserable I am, how much I miss him, envy her, wished things were differently, I CAN NOT change the reality, I can't change what happened. But what I can change is my attitude and my life a and what I make of it!

 

I find this quote very true and helpful:

 

Serenity Prayer

 

God, give me the serenity to accept things I can not change, the courage to change those that I can and the wisdom to tell the difference.

 

 

I know now, how stupid it was of me to think, I wasn't good enough, since I was - he was just too stupid and too blind to see!!

 

We all are good enough and we all deserve someone who sees our value... and someone who just throws sth good away, isn't worth any of our thoughts or love anymore!!

 

Believe me, time is a great healer! So take your time, all the time you need... and just know, you are not alone!!

[twistedfate]

Destiny-- I love your post and I completely relate.

 

My ex of a year left me in May for his married coworker. They were hanging out behind my back (which I later discovered) and less than 2 weeks after he dumped me and shattered me, she moved in. She knew we were involved seriously. She didn't care because she's a jerk. We had never lived together and the "reason" he dumped me was because he wasn't sure he ever wanted to get married again or live with someone and be in a serious relationship. He knew those were my goals and wanted me to go out and find that. I've gotten MUCH stronger since finding out all the horrible things and lies, but it still hurts me to know they're still together.

 

To make matters worse, I bought a new sports car and got involved in a local forum for that particular car. He owns the same model car. She went out and bought one also. So she goes on the said forum and posts all kinds of things like: "Had a great weekend with B... we did XYZ and this and that." or "We can hold a holiday event at OUR house." etc etc. I know she does it to get under my skin, and it's actually rather pathetic. I guess she thinks it bothers me. It doesn't, but I find myself secretly hoping he dumps her homewrecking arse too.

 

The ex sent me an email around my birthday-- I never could figure out WHY. I never replied but it stirred up a lot of feelings like, "What did I do wrong?" or "What could I have done different?"

 

It's been almost 6 mos and I still struggle sometimes. I think about them everyday... even though I've met a wonderful guy who would do ANYTHING for me.

 

I'll be seeing the two of them on saturday for the first time since June. We're all going to be at a car event. I'm nervous as it gets closer, but I need to do this to face the music. I just hope it doesn't bring me down, but then again I always seem to perk up when I see ex'es as it's a reminder that I am better off.

 

I'm going to try some of the affirmations-- I'm sure those help.

[AutumnBorn]

Ah, the memories.

 

Would it help to break out the scientific components of love? There are real answers there, but I don't know if they're any comfort. I've studied some neurobiology and it did seem to help put things in perspective for me at one point. Science never seems to be very romantic, unfortunately.

 

What we think of love is a chemical response to our inborn need to mate. We see someone and somehow find ourselves drawn to him or her - our hearts race and our stomachs flip around, we feel immense pleasure in their company and desire nothing more. That's hormonal; genuine love follows or we move on to the next rush. The problem appears to be that we associate the initial rush of hormones and the resulting pleasure and excitement as "love". It's not even close. Genuine love is comfortable and safe, a harbor that's created over time by neural reprogramming brought on by the chemicals and sustained stimulus.

 

It's the difference between a pair of trendy and classic jeans. We covet the newest and latest, we feel great when we wear them. The wide, wide leg or ultra-low rise seem perfect. But fashion changes and we find ourselves reaching for the trendy pair less and less. Instead we go back to the classic, comfortable jeans we've had for years - they're comfortable, always look good, and never go out of style. Even when they get a hole in the knee and we have to patch them, we hold onto them to wear when we take the dog on a walk or run down to the market to grab milk. ometimes, and not often enough, that trendy jeans become a classic pair - the one we reach for years later when we're taking the dog for a walk. Not exciting, but they still look and feel good; they're dependable, always there, and we know we're never going to find another pair we feel as good in...no matter how worn they become. Some people always chase trends and never develop their personal style. They never know the comfort of an old pair of jeans and have a closet full of clothes they wouldn't be caught dead in a year later.

 

So it is with love. We either chase the chemical rush or we recognize that what we have before is is something special enough to hang onto.

 

Heartache is a result of the object of our affection withdrawing before our chemistry returns to a normal balance (and it always does return to a more natural state, sooner or later).

 

MuscleSpasm, you want to know what this woman offers that you don't? Nothing. She isn't more beatiful or intelligent, she isn't more anything. He has simply produced a new chemical response to her.

 

Can you start using positive daily affirmations to help you realize how special you really are? They helped me tremendously. I admit, it took a long time, but I've never felt so good about who I am. My ex leaving was the best thing he ever could have done for me, I realize that now. He was so emotionally and mentally abusive that I didn't even realize how inhuman I felt. One day you'll fall in love again and thank him for letting you go. I promise.