interested in 2 different girls from same social circle, and everyone knows

[benkuske]

got myself in a little bit of a pickle. I feel like it's not a big deal and I'm about as far from a player as you can get, but people don't know that. There's a larger group of girl friends from my church 10-12ish. They're all friends, but not all "besties" or whatever. But their paths cross, they get together, and being girls they all talk. We are all in mid 20's. There's sort of 2 "sub-groups" of closer girlfriends out of that larger group.

 

A few weeks ago one of these girls noticed I seemed interested in one of her friends, and I was, so when asked I said "yeah I'd be curious to get to know her better" and tried to arrange some different group hang outs (dinner/game nights/etc.) and have seen her around a little but still want to hang out more and get to know her better. But it became known to her and her friends that I was interested and intentional about it.

 

Well, I've also been interested in another girl in that larger group (but not close friends with the girl mentioned above... different "sub-group" or whatever) and have been trying to hang out with her more (game nights/group dinner/etc.) - just casual stuff, but I've also been intentional about that...

 

Anyway, each girl and their friends know that I'm interested just because I've made it either somewhat clear in my actions, or someone saying something (even though I've haven't gone around talking about it much, it's seemed to have spread because girls talk talk talk). Just the other day I learned that it has very recently almost certainly become common knowledge to the entire larger girl group and to each girl (girl A knows I've been interested in girl B, and vice versa; as well as known to all the girlfriends in that larger group who know I have been trying hang-out and stuff with each).

 

Personally I don't feel like this is a big deal because I'm not dating either of them and it's just casual hanging out, but I know girls - especially when they are all sort of friends, even if not besties (they've all got this little social circle from church and they're sort of a "girl-herd"), and the dating atmosphere is just different than other settings it seems. Will this be upsetting to either girl, or to the group? Could they look down on this, or speak negatively of it? Would either girl feel offended or become upset/disinterested? Any thoughts on how to handle this situation, or if this sort of hurt chances with either girl a lot?

 

Since I'm newer to this particular group I didn't realize the dynamic, and while I didn't really spread the word much at all, it seems people gossip/talk a lot about this sort of thing... did I possibly just burn two bridges here? Will the girl group of friends interpret this as "girl crazy" or some negative connotation as if I'm going after "all" the girls in the group? I'm definitely not, but I fear that's the (unfair) perception it might create, since they don't all know me super well, and they're all friends.

[abitbroken]

No matter what the group in, sometimes girls (or guys) might tend to try and compete if they know someone likes them. Right now, you are not dating anyone. You are just getting to know them. there is absolutely no harm in that. And as you get to know them in a group setting, you could figure out you are more friends with one of them, etc. If you want to be careful, I would make sure you invite others when you are spending time with either of them. At this time, nothing makes me think that you are being other than friendly to them so long as you do activities that you would also do with a guy or someone that you were friendly with and had no dating interest.

 

There is a book called "Boundaries in Dating". It talks about not being exclusive immediately but seeing different people - getting to know them, and being at different stages in the process of getting to know different ladies (no physical stuff of course), and then eventually choosing one person to exclusively date. There is no harm in going for coffee with one person, playing ping pong with another until you get to know them enough to decide that you want to exclusively date them.

 

I think the most important thing is to ask yourself "what do you want?" Are you looking for someone to pair off with and date, or do you just think two girls are cute, or you want to just get to know them as people? Do you just want to make friends? If you are really not looking for a relationship, I would make it a point to rotate and ask guy friends out to go places with you, and mix in other people as well so you are not so exclusively looking like you are honing in on them to date. And remember its easy when you like two different ladies to not think about what you are ultimately looking for, but comparing them to eachother.

[oldenoughtoknow]

I think you might be over thinking this a bit. If you're interested, ask one of them out. Women talk. People talk. All that means is you're already a topic of conversation. They're leaving someone else alone. Be honest, upfront and respectful, and go for it. If they choose to fault you for it, oh well.

[benkuske]

Thanks guys for the great advice. I think the main reason I was/am concerned is one of my girl friends told me this:

 

"It depends on how much the girls know, and if they know you're into the other one. If they know you are into both, I'd say maybe you burned two bridges, because it's important to girls to feel like they're the only one. That's why we trust a guy in the first place if we express interest back to them"

 

To me that seems super unfair because (1) there's not much to know, I've hung out in group settings and showed some interest and tried to get them to hang out more in groups and asked one of the girls to coffee but never been on an actual date with either, (2) while both have expressed interest in talking and hanging out neither have expressed interest beyond that, i.e. "I like you" or even so much as holding hands or talking on the phone or something, (3) I personally think its super normal, healthy, and even respectful to try and hang out with different people in casual settings before deciding if you want to pursue them and say "hey let's date".

 

But do many girls really think like my friend, or do you think my friend is misperceiving the situation?

[oldenoughtoknow]

I agree with your friend and yes, it's a sticky situation because everyone knows one another. These sound like nice, normal girls who do like to think they're the only one you're interested in. Most PUA books would probably tell various methods to get them to compete for your attention. You don't seem like that kind of guy, and you wouldn't be interested in that type of girl. I would try to talk with each of them in group settings and make up your mind which one has the most compatibility potential and ask her out. Since the cat's already out of the bag, I would make this happen pretty fast. Otherwise they'll both start to wonder if you really meant it, blah, blah, and you'll have a whole other set of rumor mill issues to deal with. Good luck.