When dumpers want to reconcile with dumpees...

[gluestick]

If you are the dumper or have been in the past, when you wanted to reconcile with an ex-bf/gf, what were the reasons why you wanted to give the relationship another shot and how did the reconciliation come about? In other words, did you initiate contact or did the dumpee initiate contact after time apart? Or did you accidentally run into each other and that's how you were able to reconnect? Did you realize you still loved/cared about your ex after dating others or having had other relationships that did not work out? Or did you maintain a purely platonic friendship after reconnecting and sparks flew again? Please describe your feelings and experience with as much detail as possible.

 

Here is my cousin's story:

 

My cousin and his first love broke up because she wanted to settle down and get married, but he wasn't ready. She kept pressuring him and finally he couldn't take it anymore. One small flight turned into a breakup. He wanted to remain friends, but she wanted NC. They stayed NC for 2 years. She finally moved on after 2 years and fell in love with another guy but decided to visit my cousin and his family one last time before settling down with her new love. She and my cousin spent 2 days hanging out as friends, and my cousin realized he still loved her and that she was the woman he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. He told her how he felt and ultimately his wife had to choose between my cousin and her new love. She decided to go with my cousin as they had so much history together and they were more comfortable with one another. 4 months later they got married and they are happier than they've ever been.

 

My cousin said he did have feelings for 2 girls during his separation, but never pursued them stating he knew they wouldn't have worked out. He said the most important thing was he grew up and matured during the 2 year separation. Even though he missed her from time to time, he said he never would have taken the first step to initiated contact. He thought when she said she wanted NC, it meant NC forever and pretty much took her words as is. Throughout those 2 years, however, his wife had tried to reconcile with him, but he would turn her down every time. She finally realized that it was over between them and decided to move on and fall in love again. She only initiated contact with my cousin after she found someone new in her life.

 

Their story worked out, but I also know someone who broke up with his long term gf only to realize he made a mistake a few months later. He wanted to reconcile, but she's dating other people now. They still love each other, but I'm not sure how their story will end.

[NoDice]

Wait I am confused, so your cousin is still with his wife?

 

As for me when I was the dumper, after like 4 months of NC, and a failed relationship with a new girl..I rang up my ex and asked her how she was doing..we talked for an hour, she texted me later asking if we could try again and I said not right now, she persisted and eventually we made up but because the second time around it was LDR, it never met my needs so we mutually agreed to break it off.

 

My recent ex broke up with me, a month NC later she said she had some of my stuff, I told her to toss them, she kept asking to meet, she wiggled her way back in said she had feelings still, spent a month back together, then she left again so I have no idea what the frick that means..

 

I look back and realize that unless the two people have grown and matured in their time apart(no just one person) then it is super hard to make it work and usually someone gets tired and leaves.

[lanaa]

How did she try to reconcile if she was in NC for 2 years?

[gluestick]

Wait I am confused, so your cousin is still with his wife?

 

Yes, they dated, broke up for 2 years, then she initiated contact and they got back together. 4 months later, they got married. They're still married to this date and are very happy.

[gluestick]

How did she try to reconcile if she was in NC for 2 years?

 

She tried to reconcile 2 times during the 2 years of NC. She called him up when she was feeling desperate and asked if he wanted to get back together and was shot down both times. She also went about it the wrong way, by trying to make him jealous...saying she has got a marriage proposal from another guy and doesn't know if she should accept or not. He offered her his genuine advice as a friend and told her to think hard before she makes her decision. Then she asked if he wanted to reconcile and he told her no because he felt she was just twisting things around so that he would tell her what she wanted to hear and he felt that's pretty messed up.

[lanaa]

I dont know why a dumper wouldnt contact if he regrets something

 

the only reasons i can come up with is....they are stubborn or too proud

[octour]

I dont know why a dumper wouldnt contact if he regrets something

 

the only reasons i can come up with is....they are stubborn or too proud

 

-Or if they are in complete denial and they think that everything they did was fine and they handled their breakup with class and integrity.

[fashionista2]

-Or if they are in complete denial and they think that everything they did was fine and they handled their breakup with class and integrity.

 

haha yeah i bet this is what my dumper thinks!!!

[Thorshammer]

-Or if they are in complete denial and they think that everything they did was fine and they handled their breakup with class and integrity.

 

Or they are with someone else, like the person and is distracted, but regret their mistake here and there.

[Hastyhand]

I think that my dumper atleast would have done a drunk-dialing /texting or something (like letting some friends talk with me while she is right there) if she would still have feelings for me..or if she would regret things..

because you know what they say "whats on your mind when you are sober - will be in your words and actions when you are drunk".

She would have tested me out somehow I believe.

 

As she hasn`t done anything like that..I dont think she has any regrets and has moved on etc.

 

So should I..and I will..eventually.

[Melting]

I was dumped 4wks ago, he pretty much ignored me for 2wks. So, I went NC... the 3rd week he rings and ask to spend time with me, I decline and did not contact him. Its now the 4th week and he is still trying to get me to spend time with him.

 

I honestly do not know what he wants, so I am very wary and not sure if I want to see him again.

 

When I have been the dumper, I have never wanted to reconcile. I will put everything into trying to make a relationship work and if it doesn't i am out of there for good.

[Thorshammer]

I think that my dumper atleast would have done a drunk-dialing /texting or something (like letting some friends talk with me while she is right there) if she would still have feelings for me..or if she would regret things..

because you know what they say "whats on your mind when you are sober - will be in your words and actions when you are drunk".

She would have tested me out somehow I believe.

 

As she hasn`t done anything like that..I dont think she has any regrets and has moved on etc.

 

So should I..and I will..eventually.

 

Yeah, I thought that too. I would have lost a million dollars if i bet she would crack and come back. Only thing that made this a reality that she was gone was the strange nights i woke up in bed and had a feeling she was leaving. That was on some x-men stuff right there, lol. But i did fake drunk call to say things i didnt want to say... which is kind of stupid when i think of it now. And I am a very stubborn dude, and i still cave in when needed. Plus, my ex has broken her pride to say something.

 

So, realize shes gone, and that will start healing. I always said, realization starts the healing.

 

My ex got into my facebook and read everything, then posted a quote as a reply to something i told my cousin. She went back on and kept reading, and WHOOPS, she found out 2 ex's are chasing after me right nooooow. She took off the quote, and made her name vanish from search. So, maybe there is an element of pride that she wont contact me, buuuuut, it could be that shes with someone else, or isnt sure to make the full step to contact me. Another dude would have chased when they saw that quote, not me... she would only get a free pass if i found out she really was mentally unstable.

 

I dont care how immature this sounds, i hope she realizes she lost me, and that this needy and desperate dude was telling the truth, that this giant just had a bad year, and that what i said was always true, "I always get women loving me, maaaaaaaaaaaaaan!"

[jeepman41]

It could be that after some time apart and some reflection back on the relationship they realize they still have feelings and want to act on them. It may be pride or stubborness or they had an epiphany.

[lanaa]

in guys case its mostly pride....girls dont let that stop them when they regret a breakup(usually)

[HPZOOM]

I have a question, what if you don't know who broke up with who?

 

Meaning- She broke up with me emotionally but she never pulled the actual trigger, and we still lived together. I PHYSICALLY broke up, by moving out, but I didn't break up with her emotionally till I actually moved out.

 

Who is who?

[CMS]

I have a question, what if you don't know who broke up with who?

 

Meaning- She broke up with me emotionally but she never pulled the actual trigger, and we still lived together. I PHYSICALLY broke up, by moving out, but I didn't break up with her emotionally till I actually moved out.

 

Who is who?

 

then she broke up with you since she checked out first.

[HPZOOM]

then she broke up with you since she checked out first.

Oh that explains a lot.

[CMS]

Oh that explains a lot.

 

She did the slow face to forced you to break up with her, so its called force dump, its a cowardly way to breakup with someone, I know because I used to do it a lot back in college. Ahh the things you do when you were immature.

[intotheself]

This is not a break up and recon story but I once contacted a guy I dated several times, after 8 month break. I met three men after stopping to see him, but they all didn't work out. I was lonely and came to miss the guy I dated. He is the son of my mom's friend, and he always treated me very nice. So I wrote to him, and he seemed to be happy to hear from me again. He came to see me from a distant city but it didn't work out eventually. After being rejcted by me, he dated another girl for months, but she wouldn't commit. So when he heard from me again, he wanted to quit with the girl. When he left, the girl cried, pleaded and begged, and he couldn't dump her. I understood his situation so I wished for his happiness.

 

I was not so sad. The thing is, when he came to see me again, I realized that I was not really into him. I was very lonely so I thought about him. I was glad in the end that he returned to his girlfriend.

 

When a person break up wtih you, there are good enough reasons. Nobody decides to break up easily. I had a friend who wanted to meet her ex again in a few years, just because she couldn't find someone new for her. But when she met him again, she felt the same way that she did before. She didn't want him again.

 

Reconciliations happen, but they are rare. So it is good for you to let go of hope, and be ready for the worst. BUT EXPECT THE BEST FOR YOU, as you are the only person who can make yourself happy. You will become happy with someone new or you alone later, no matter what.

[HPZOOM]

She did the slow face to forced you to break up with her, so its called force dump, its a cowardly way to breakup with someone, I know because I used to do it a lot back in college. Ahh the things you do when you were immature.

 

Slow face!! Hahaha. What a name. Anyway this was a year ago, I just never figured out who dumped who. I guess she is having buyers/seller remorse??

[CMS]

Slow face!! Hahaha. What a name. Anyway this was a year ago, I just never figured out who dumped who. I guess she is having buyers/seller remorse??

 

not slow face, i meant slow fade

[HPZOOM]

not slow face, i meant slow fade

Fade.. Boy, that wasn't a fade. More like a blitz. That couch got mighty comfy the last month.

[HPZOOM]

Winning statement.

[Mellie]

-Or if they are in complete denial and they think that everything they did was fine and they handled their breakup with class and integrity.

 

Some of them do though really, don't they? I mean, there's no 'nice' way to breakup, but some of them do at least try to conduct themselves in a civilised manner. "Will you go out with me?" doesn't mean "Will you go out with me forever?". Man alive, that's a scary thought. I know they hurt you, but I don't go along with demonising all 'dumpers' in general. Sure, there are some real cretins. But they are allowed to put themselves first and get out if they know it isn't for them. When you see posts saying "how do I get him back?" isn't that just us, the dumpees, doing exactly the same thing? Feeling that our wish to get him back is more important than his wish to get out?

 

I think it's possible some may have second thoughts but choose not to act on them through fear of rejection. And some, I'm sure, do actually have the dumpees best interests at heart - not trusting themselves not to hurt them again - not forgiving themselves for hurting you in the first place and maybe not having the nerve to reach out. Some. Not all. Others, maybe they still love you but they're working with their brain not their hearts and make the choice based on logic not emotion. Maybe they can see that if there's an issue that caused the breakup in the first place it hasn't gone away so matter now much they want it, based on logic, it's a no go.

 

I think that shows more class and integrity than the ones who string you along or, far worse, those who start something new without doing the breaking up with you bit first. That to me is the lower than pondslime.

 

I think the majority of the time though it's been in their heads for a while. And any proactive action on the part of the dumpee post breakup only reaffirms their conviction. At the end of the day though, they are just people and all people and circumstances are different.

[CMS]

Well said, it really does not matter. Hating and demonizing the dumper will just prolong your anger and pain. Hate is not the opposite of love, indifference is, you cant heal properly if you still have strong feeling for your ex.

 

So it does not matter what their thoughts are after the breakup, they made the decision to not be with you, respect that decision and let go with love, wish them well (silently) and focus on getting yourself back after.