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Silent Treatment: In The Closet. Want to Feel better.

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Okay. This is my first time using this forum.


I am 22 years old. I am a Christian female, but I pride myself in being a human being next to that -- and apply somewhat of a holistic spiritual approach to my life as I'm very inspired by Zen and things of the like. I'm not against making mistakes, but because of a recent event, I've gotten so scared.


To cut to the chase. ... I'm not sure what my sexual orientation is, and that has caused me a lot of grief for a few years now. I don't have many people I can talk to about my fears, feelings and concerns. I don't really feel like I'm having that much fun with life -- and I need help with an issue to continue moving forward. To hear someone else's point of view would be stellar. The she said/she said to follow may annoy you, but I need your help.


I was in a singing group in college for two years, and there was a girl in it that would always touch me and tease me and moan next to me. She is two years my senior. Within moments after what I deemed to be sexual advances, she would be either gone, or telling me she had bigger problems to deal with when I would apologize for messing something up musically. Note: she was not our section leader, but was definitely pissed she wasn't and demanding everything be perfect. She was what anyone else I know has labelled in my presence as cruel and jealous and controlling. Oh, and manipulative. These are not my words. Many people have said about her: "I love her, but she's a b*tch. I can't stand her" etc.


Somehow, despite this treatment (she had a boyfriend) ... and other obvious red flags, I developed feelings for her. I blamed myself, and could tell no one. I began doubt who I was, and develop very bad feelings about me not only because of what someone else was doing, but because I couldn't and wouldn't speak up. And even though it makes no sense, while I felt bad about me, and had growing positive feelings for her. Perhaps, mainly sexual. But I love alongside that. I did love her. Warts and all. That's not sayin much for me, I love everybody. I loved someone who never really made me feel good, though. More and more. In silence. It was an excruciating experience for me. She would come to me and other people to complain about her "controlling" long-distance relationship, priding herself in how many texts she would have to ignore it seemed. It was obvious she was cheating on him as well, so to have an outlet for my positive feelings for someone who was hurting me and others, I helped her exercise what I thought would be love toward her man, even though, I wanted to know how she felt about me. Even though, I know she treated other people with more "affection," and sexual advances or actual sex, which, if it is insincere, is VIOLENCE. I think.


Looking back, I wish I had just told her to please stop touching me all the time. On my face, kissing all the time, numerous butt grabs, slaps, strokes and massages, hand-holding, moans, pulling my face or body close to hers -- and I just took it. It must have looked very funny to her. "I knew I was turning you on," she later stated. Eventually, I would say 10% of the time, when I knew she was going to graduate and leave, I started to initiate the touching. Not much. She dug that. I always asked. "Can I kiss you?" "Can I give you a hug?" etc. This a big deal to me. Touching. One: I believe people say things like "I was touched" when something is poignant, for a reason. And. I don't touch much, grew up that way. Not everything is sexual, but I notice everything when I'm being touched. I can count the number of times I've hugged my dad and we love each other very much. I know this is interesting, right. lol


Anywho. Once she graduated, some strange things occurred that made her look like a liar. (Ex. Broke up with boyfriend, stood me up on my birthday). I was going to tell her how I felt about her. HUGE. When she stood me up, I told her "all you do is make me hurt, you're not my friend." She said she wanted to be. She moved back home. I called her and told her everything. She laughed. Out of shock. Not to be a b*tch. It really did just come out of nowhere, and I told her because she was finally single, and I wasn't going to be in between two people (even though she was cheating in various ways) and I had to get it out of my head. I wanted to see how she felt. She didn't really say. She said "It's not that I'm not into you...I just didn't take you seriously." We had some arguments the next few times we spoke, and then I deleted her from my Facebook. I felt trapped and like I needed to protect myself. She texted "I hope you didn't defriend me for real." I responded eloquently with honestly. I need some time, it's not your fault. I feel out of control. She said "Fine. Good luck I'm here when you need me." I didn't speak to her for two months, then wrote her a wonderful email about how I think I'm ready to be friends. About life, poetry, art -- Charlie Chaplin, Bruce Lee. Me. Anywho. She wrote back, we talked once. Refriend. She got back with bf. Defriend. Knee jerk. My bad.


So anyway. Time passed and she came to visit for a weekend. Broke up with bf. She called me to hang out all day. The one day I said I couldn't she said: "I had a really bad night last night." I felt manipulated. SO. I got drunk the last day, I'm not good at drinking, it was really and accident -- I made inappropriate advances and begged her to kiss me. We fought. She said nobody thinks about what this does to "me" as in her, I can't do this to you, "I'm the bad guy", youre selfish, and that she wasn't sincere and I that I deserved something real and that she didn't love me. She also said she doesn't know if she's straight or not. I said some harsh true things, apologized the next morning. She blamed me for everything. We'd slept in the same bed. Awkward. She went back home and has a new boyfriend and has not spoken to me. It has been seven months. I saw her once two months after it happened, and she was pouting. She asked me how I was, I said good, and asked her the same: "good" and kept walking, out of respect for her silence.


My best friend says, the worst part about it is not the lesbian surprise. It's the fact that I fell for someone like this. True.


It sounds more clear than it feels. I'm just looking for advice. I still think about her. I have moved toward other people, mainly males. I talked to some people around me who tell me to just move on, but I want to know how. I don't miss her. I do want to know what I did wrong. I'm just confused and I feel like the only one who cared.


Thanks for reading. Confusing and tedious, no?

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Notice how many bad points there were over the good points?


DO not love someone who is only going to hurt you in a relationship.

those people are only good as friends if you can only be friends with them.

Otherwise you have to forget about them, carry on with your life and let them carry on with theirs.

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From your post it sounds like there aren't any positive encounters with this girl, she pushes you around, your feelings are conveniently at here disposal and shes a drama queen. Seems like the friendship isn't very strong without the benefits. You voiced your emotions and concerns and she's to personally distracted to care. Why are you so interested in this person again?

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She sounds like she's a rather superficially charming person. Someone can be very likeable and personable and nonetheless remain a grade A jerk. It can be hard to resist people like that, so it is understandable you fell for that, but ultimately we need to make rational decisions based on the way we are treated.


It is hard now, but time heals all wounds. Be kind to yourself and consider this a learning experience, in the future you will know to cut ties with similar people before you are too invested.

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