kaibutsu Posted September 27, 2011 Share Posted September 27, 2011 I apologize in advance for the length of this because I am sure it's going to be very long. I have a situation at home that I just don't know how to deal with and I guess I am at my wit's end and this point and want to see what others think. I have been married for a few years. When I met her, she was too far away to commute to see her all the time, so very soon we moved in together. Soon she and I were talking about marriage. Before I met her I had just gotten out of a really painful relationship with a girl who I really gave up everything I had to be with her. A couple years later that girl started sleeping with one of my friends. So I was pretty gun-shy about relationships in general but still loved her enough to get re-married. Right before we got married I started to get cold feet, and I got a little crush on a woman at work. Nothing ever happened, and I never even touched this person and she never knew I really even liked her. It was just me being scared and afraid to get into a relationship again. I realized what it was, and forgot the whole thing and completely focused on my relationship. We got married and we got a place together. Months later she was snooping around in my email and found an old message that I had written to one of my friends about this girl that I had the small crush on and my wife had a fit and told me I had been cheating on her. I told her nothing ever happened and explained about my past and how scared I was and why that happened, but she still tells me I cheated on her. This was years ago and she still lays these huge guilt trips on me and tells me she can't trust me because of what happened. I guess I feel a little guilty for getting attracted to someone, but I didn't...do...ANYthing! How many other people start to feel scared and let something bad happen before a marriage? I didn't let anything happen at all. So that's part of it. The other parts are much more complicated and I honestly have no idea how to deal with them. Well I don't know how to deal with any of it which is why I am writing this. She is incredibly unappreciative of anything that anyone does for her. Well, that's not true. She is just unappreciative of me. I hear her talk to other people, sweet as candy, but she is a totally different person talking to me. She has Multiple Sclerosis and she also has major anxiety issues (panic attacks, agorophobia, terrified of driving or getting stuck in traffic). So basically anywhere we go I have to drive her there. And I have to be very careful how I drive and where as she gets extremely anxious if any cars are near us on the side. We lived in a smaller city of about 150,000 people and she really could not function there at all. So we planned on moving. I quit all the things I loved doing like music and reading fiction books and playing computer games. I started fixing up our house and started preparing a lot of certifications for work so I could find a new job in a smaller town. In three years I managed to completely remodel the house, get 19 IT certification tests completed, drove for three hours for five days a week for my commute, still managed to excel at my job, and tried to do everything around the house like laundry and cleaning. All I ever heard about what how I wasn't doing everything right around the house that entire time, and how much she hated where we were and how she just wanted to live in a small town. I just dealt with it for years and hoped and prayed that once we moved to a small town, things would get better. I finally got all my certs finished, I got a great job offer, so I quit my job from a company I had worked at for almost 25 years, we sold the house and moved 2000 miles away to a place she felt more comfortable and a small little town where she wanted to live. Personally I don't care where I live, as long as I can have some peace and quiet at home and have a decent internet connection. I have pretty basic, simple needs, and I hoped making her happy would make it easier for me to me happy too. Now we just moved into a new house, and nothing has changed. She still brings up the stuff from the past. She wants the new house fixed up like the old one. I still do all the laundry and most of the cleaning (and I don't mind that except for the constant complaining that it's not good enough), I still drive for an hour every day for my commute, and I still drive her everywhere that she needs to go. Nothing has changed. I just sit and wonder what the heck I did wrong. I have basically completely changed my entire life for her and all she cares about and notices are the things that affect her negatively and the things she doesn't like. I still hear how the house needs to be all fixed up again, and all I ever hear about is how the things that I do for her are never good enough. Literally she has not one good thing to say about me. I've even tried to talk to her about this stuff, and she won't listen. I've tried to explain that we are two adults and if something is bothering the other person in a relationship, it's probably a good idea to at least hear the person out, but she tells me that I need to be an adult and she doesn't have enough energy to deal with my problems. I am to the point now where I am starting to wonder if I am depressed because I am just so miserable. I could be perfectly happy if she would just appreciate the stuff I do and understand that things take time to get done, but she doesn't get it. She constantly complains about the house (that she picked out by the way) and how this needs to be done, and that needs to be done, and how I am not doing nearly enough around the house and the laundry isn't right and the cleaning isn't like she wants it. I just can't figure out what to do because I have tried to talk to her and she won't talk to me about it. I've even suggested counseling, and she won't do that either. She says that I am the one that should go to counseling and that I am the one that needs help. Maybe I do. I know I get frustrated and I know I am probably miserable to be around because *I* am so full of despair that nothing is going to be any different. I know for a fact that this will never change. I know she will always accuse me of cheating on her even though I didn't, and she will always make me feel like I am totally worthless because I don't do enough for her. Today she asked me if I could remember the last time I was happy. I couldn't. Link to comment
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