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How do I deal with a spouse like this?


kaibutsu

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I apologize in advance for the length of this because I am sure it's going to be very long. I have a situation at home that I just don't know how to deal with and I guess I am at my wit's end and this point and want to see what others think.

 

I have been married for a few years. When I met her, she was too far away to commute to see her all the time, so very soon we moved in together. Soon she and I were talking about marriage. Before I met her I had just gotten out of a really painful relationship with a girl who I really gave up everything I had to be with her. A couple years later that girl started sleeping with one of my friends. So I was pretty gun-shy about relationships in general but still loved her enough to get re-married. Right before we got married I started to get cold feet, and I got a little crush on a woman at work. Nothing ever happened, and I never even touched this person and she never knew I really even liked her. It was just me being scared and afraid to get into a relationship again. I realized what it was, and forgot the whole thing and completely focused on my relationship. We got married and we got a place together.

 

Months later she was snooping around in my email and found an old message that I had written to one of my friends about this girl that I had the small crush on and my wife had a fit and told me I had been cheating on her. I told her nothing ever happened and explained about my past and how scared I was and why that happened, but she still tells me I cheated on her. This was years ago and she still lays these huge guilt trips on me and tells me she can't trust me because of what happened. I guess I feel a little guilty for getting attracted to someone, but I didn't...do...ANYthing! How many other people start to feel scared and let something bad happen before a marriage? I didn't let anything happen at all.

 

So that's part of it. The other parts are much more complicated and I honestly have no idea how to deal with them. Well I don't know how to deal with any of it which is why I am writing this.

 

She is incredibly unappreciative of anything that anyone does for her. Well, that's not true. She is just unappreciative of me. I hear her talk to other people, sweet as candy, but she is a totally different person talking to me. She has Multiple Sclerosis and she also has major anxiety issues (panic attacks, agorophobia, terrified of driving or getting stuck in traffic). So basically anywhere we go I have to drive her there. And I have to be very careful how I drive and where as she gets extremely anxious if any cars are near us on the side. We lived in a smaller city of about 150,000 people and she really could not function there at all.

 

So we planned on moving. I quit all the things I loved doing like music and reading fiction books and playing computer games. I started fixing up our house and started preparing a lot of certifications for work so I could find a new job in a smaller town. In three years I managed to completely remodel the house, get 19 IT certification tests completed, drove for three hours for five days a week for my commute, still managed to excel at my job, and tried to do everything around the house like laundry and cleaning. All I ever heard about what how I wasn't doing everything right around the house that entire time, and how much she hated where we were and how she just wanted to live in a small town. I just dealt with it for years and hoped and prayed that once we moved to a small town, things would get better.

 

I finally got all my certs finished, I got a great job offer, so I quit my job from a company I had worked at for almost 25 years, we sold the house and moved 2000 miles away to a place she felt more comfortable and a small little town where she wanted to live. Personally I don't care where I live, as long as I can have some peace and quiet at home and have a decent internet connection. I have pretty basic, simple needs, and I hoped making her happy would make it easier for me to me happy too.

 

Now we just moved into a new house, and nothing has changed. She still brings up the stuff from the past. She wants the new house fixed up like the old one. I still do all the laundry and most of the cleaning (and I don't mind that except for the constant complaining that it's not good enough), I still drive for an hour every day for my commute, and I still drive her everywhere that she needs to go. Nothing has changed. I just sit and wonder what the heck I did wrong. I have basically completely changed my entire life for her and all she cares about and notices are the things that affect her negatively and the things she doesn't like. I still hear how the house needs to be all fixed up again, and all I ever hear about is how the things that I do for her are never good enough. Literally she has not one good thing to say about me. I've even tried to talk to her about this stuff, and she won't listen. I've tried to explain that we are two adults and if something is bothering the other person in a relationship, it's probably a good idea to at least hear the person out, but she tells me that I need to be an adult and she doesn't have enough energy to deal with my problems.

 

I am to the point now where I am starting to wonder if I am depressed because I am just so miserable. I could be perfectly happy if she would just appreciate the stuff I do and understand that things take time to get done, but she doesn't get it. She constantly complains about the house (that she picked out by the way) and how this needs to be done, and that needs to be done, and how I am not doing nearly enough around the house and the laundry isn't right and the cleaning isn't like she wants it. I just can't figure out what to do because I have tried to talk to her and she won't talk to me about it. I've even suggested counseling, and she won't do that either. She says that I am the one that should go to counseling and that I am the one that needs help. Maybe I do. I know I get frustrated and I know I am probably miserable to be around because *I* am so full of despair that nothing is going to be any different. I know for a fact that this will never change. I know she will always accuse me of cheating on her even though I didn't, and she will always make me feel like I am totally worthless because I don't do enough for her.

 

Today she asked me if I could remember the last time I was happy. I couldn't.

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Point is you still had some feelings for another woman before you got married. Once any kind of thought like that---comes close to cheating, thinks about cheating, or is cheating; it's in a person's head and it may be hard to let that go. Sort of like the trust wall sort of cracked (even if you didn't do anything).

 

Problem is your trying to change yourself and everything around the situation to suit her. That isn't going to fix anything probably just make it worse. For things to be a bit different she would have to want to change (of her own accord). You can't fix people and you especially can't fix people by trying to please them. She keeps thinking your the problem but there are two sides to every story.

 

Is she working? How is she contributing to the relationship?

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It seems that she wants you as some sort of savoir to save her from her problems. What she does not realise is only SHE can do that. Basically she is treating you like some sort of servant. I would start once again doing things that you like and enjoy and start living for yourself some. Obviously, there are somethings you have to do for her because she has significant disabilities. Does she get any sort of help for them? If not she should because she can be significantly better than she is. I would not pander to her every whim though because she CAN do some things for herself. I would not put up with her mistreatment of you because she is mistreating you. I would also get counseling for yourself, that is a good idea so you can find joy in your life again. She sounds like a pretty unhappy and unforgiving person and wants to pass that onto you, don't allow it.

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I know she will always accuse me of cheating on her even though I didn't, and she will always make me feel like I am totally worthless because I don't do enough for her.

 

You don't have to put up with this

 

I've even suggested counseling, and she won't do that either. She says that I am the one that should go to counseling and that I am the one that needs help.

 

She doesn't want to fix it.

 

Personally? I would move out. Often, people don't understand just how bad things are until you do something drastic. This should be a last resort thing... and really? If she's not willing to help fix things, you should be gone anyways.

 

Whether you were cheating or not, even if you WERE cheating, at some point she has to let it go. And as for the rest? She needs to learn how to express her appreciation (she probably really does appreciate, she just doesn't communicate the positive) and... who knows? Maybe you need to learn to do a few things differently too. But NONE of this can happen if she won't attend any form of councilling with you.

 

I think you should leave. If she values the marriage, she will agree to work on things. If she doesn't... you should leave anyways. It's only going to get worse.

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Point is you still had some feelings for another woman before you got married. Once any kind of thought like that---comes close to cheating, thinks about cheating, or is cheating; it's in a person's head and it may be hard to let that go. Sort of like the trust wall sort of cracked (even if you didn't do anything).

 

Problem is your trying to change yourself and everything around the situation to suit her. That isn't going to fix anything probably just make it worse. For things to be a bit different she would have to want to change (of her own accord). You can't fix people and you especially can't fix people by trying to please them. She keeps thinking your the problem but there are two sides to every story.

 

Is she working? How is she contributing to the relationship?

 

Oh she hasn't failed to mention that about cheating. And I don't want to seem callous about it when I say nothing happened. I feel bad that I had this crush on this person, but nothing like that would ever happen again. I knew what was going on pretty quickly and set myself straight.

 

She doesn't work. She stays up most of the night surfing on the net or reading books because she can't sleep, then sleeps until around noon or 1:00 and has some coffee and gets back on her computer to slowly wake up. MS is rough because it really saps her energy levels, so I understand that, and I never expect her to do anything really because she has a limited supply of energy. As far as how she is contributing, she makes dinner for the family, and ... I just had to pause. I think that's pretty much it. I know she would like to do more but doesn't have the energy to do so. So I end up doing everything. Then she tells me that all I ever do for her is be a taxi.

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I think you should print the post out and give it to her to read.

 

Omg, no way. She would get so mad at me she would start hitting me. She has done that before when she misinterpreted something I said. She thought I was saying something about the MS to her...I can't remember anymore, and the "cheating" thing too. She has hit me repeatedly. It didn't really hurt or anything, but dang. I don't like fending off attacks like that even if it doesn't really injure me. I think in most situations just trying to talk to her would have been good, but she's a therapist, so she knows all the rules and what is going on. I think that's why she won't go to counseling...because she knows what they are going to tell her.

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Omg, no way. She would get so mad at me she would start hitting me. She has done that before when she misinterpreted something I said. She thought I was saying something about the MS to her...I can't remember anymore, and the "cheating" thing too. She has hit me repeatedly. It didn't really hurt or anything, but dang. I don't like fending off attacks like that even if it doesn't really injure me. I think in most situations just trying to talk to her would have been good, but she's a therapist, so she knows all the rules and what is going on. I think that's why she won't go to counseling...because she knows what they are going to tell her.

 

Um wow, she is abusive. I would leave personally. I really think you should. Hitting should not be tolerated whether it hurt or not.

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It's funny you mention the 'servant' thing because that is what I almost put in the post. She does treat me like that. And you're right...I do need to start doing things for myself. I think that may be why I am starting to feel so depressed because all my life revolves around work and working around the house and doing things for her, and I never get any time to me. I finally took a couple weeks out and just read a book that I had been waiting for 6 years to come out, and the worst part about that was the last page and realizing I had to go back to doing nothing for myself again. I think you're right. I probably do need to see a counselor on my own if she won't go. At least do everything I can from my side.

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No one can make you feel guilty unless you agree to it...

 

And you didn't cheat if you didn't actually go with this other woman... everyone gets little crushes now and again, whether married or not, but it is what you do about it that matters.. and if you didn't act on it, then she is just using this as a big guilt stick to beat you with to get you to do whatever she wants you to do, a means of control.

 

If she won't go to counseling with you, then go by yourself to work thru what you really need to do about this... frankly, she sounds like a really unpleasant person who thinks you're her mule to be beaten into getting her what she wants. What does she do with her time? Does she work or contribute anything to society or you or your life? If she is just a terrible taker, then this isn't a partnership, this is her trying to make you her puppet.

 

The thing is too, she has learned what controls you and makes you hop and do what she wants. And she doesn't seem to care if that means she rails on your and abuses you constantly.

 

So i'd go to a counselor to work thru this and what to do about it... and perhaps talk to a lawyer as well to find out what you'd be on the hook for in the event you decided to divorce her. It's not worth spending your life as a whipping boy to someone who has serious issues and won't deal with them or treat you with respect or kindness.

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Omg, no way. She would get so mad at me she would start hitting me. She has done that before when she misinterpreted something I said. She thought I was saying something about the MS to her...I can't remember anymore, and the "cheating" thing too. She has hit me repeatedly. It didn't really hurt or anything, but dang. I don't like fending off attacks like that even if it doesn't really injure me. I think in most situations just trying to talk to her would have been good, but she's a therapist, so she knows all the rules and what is going on. I think that's why she won't go to counseling...because she knows what they are going to tell her.
If she hits you then you should leave immediately and call the police. This has gone on long enough.

 

Why are you even tolerating that for a second?

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Omg, no way. She would get so mad at me she would start hitting me. She has done that before when she misinterpreted something I said. She thought I was saying something about the MS to her...I can't remember anymore, and the "cheating" thing too. She has hit me repeatedly. It didn't really hurt or anything, but dang. I don't like fending off attacks like that even if it doesn't really injure me. I think in most situations just trying to talk to her would have been good, but she's a therapist, so she knows all the rules and what is going on. I think that's why she won't go to counseling...because she knows what they are going to tell her.

 

Have you tried marriage counseling?

 

It sounds miserable, but I also think you allow her to treat you poorly. You need to recognize there are two people in this relationship, and stop making everything about her. You have needs to!

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It's funny you mention the 'servant' thing because that is what I almost put in the post. She does treat me like that. And you're right...I do need to start doing things for myself. I think that may be why I am starting to feel so depressed because all my life revolves around work and working around the house and doing things for her, and I never get any time to me. I finally took a couple weeks out and just read a book that I had been waiting for 6 years to come out, and the worst part about that was the last page and realizing I had to go back to doing nothing for myself again. I think you're right. I probably do need to see a counselor on my own if she won't go. At least do everything I can from my side.

 

Yes, look after your side of things, really that is the best and most positive thing you can do. You can only change yourself after all. You deserve to be happy too, not just her. You are not a servant so do not be one. Reclaim your life. I would get out of there though because hitting should never be tolerated.

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Agreed one hundred percent on all counts. In fact, about a month ago I basically told her things were not going to work out. She has this thing about throwing stuff away if she doesn't see any value in it. Keep in mind we just moved and I got rid of tons of things and only kept the stuff that mattered to me. She went through my stuff and threw away what she considered worthless in this box. In the trash can, as I was taking things out one morning, I see a flag in the trash. This was a gift from my old Karate instructor that I got as a kid for winning my first tournament. It really meant something to me and I saw that in the trash and I just snapped. I have asked and asked and asked her not to throw my things away but she has repeatedly done it. I told her that I will continue to do everything I could for her but there was no way I could be in a relationship where I am constantly disrespected like this.

 

She started crying and telling me how I can't do this to her because she has abandonment issues and I can't threaten to leave her because of things that have happened in her past. I said I was very sorry but I was really upset, and asked her to tell me about what happened. She wouldn't tell me though. I don't know what to believe about that. And of course, she has manipulated that situation where I can't even get so frustrated that I have to leave without her pulling on the heart strings. It just completely feels like a lose-lose situation.

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Have you tried marriage counseling?

 

It sounds miserable, but I also think you allow her to treat you poorly. You need to recognize there are two people in this relationship, and stop making everything about her. You have needs to!

 

She won't go to counseling. I have brought it up numerous times.

 

You are right though. I am allowing it and I know that. Every time I try to say something about it and try to stand up for myself, she brings up the past and the 'cheating' and won't let me talk though. It's really an all or nothing situation it seems. And I guess I don't know how to look in the mirror at myself if I do have to leave because I know she will make me feel utterly horrible about myself if I have to make the decision to leave.

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Um wow, she is abusive. I would leave personally. I really think you should. Hitting should not be tolerated whether it hurt or not.

 

She hasn't done it for a while now so maybe she finally learned, but I don't know. I just completely pictured her flailing at me after showing her that. She definitely has anger issues, no question. She can't get enough force to do any actual damage, but it's still sort of demeaning.

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And I guess I don't know how to look in the mirror at myself if I do have to leave because I know she will make me feel utterly horrible about myself if I have to make the decision to leave.
You are already allowing her to influence how you view yourself. You let her abuse you, hit you and blackmail you.

 

Your show all the signs of an abused spouse.

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She hasn't done it for a while now so maybe she finally learned, but I don't know. I just completely pictured her flailing at me after showing her that. She definitely has anger issues, no question. She can't get enough force to do any actual damage, but it's still sort of demeaning.

 

It is still abuse whether she hurt you or not. There is no excuse for it.

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The thing is you can not allow yourself to be abused which is what she is doing.

 

Agreed. I just don't know how to handle it. She isn't completely incapable of doing things, but she can't go anywhere without me driving her, and she will lay tremendous guilt trips on me if I even bring up the fact that I can't take any of her abuse no matter what it is. I just don't know how to look at myself in the mirror every day knowing I abandoned her. I actually really love helping people and have loved doing things for her...but she makes everything that I *do* try to do for her seem completely trivial because she minimizes all the good things I do and totally focuses on the things she doesn't like.

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I agree 100% that you are being abused. She hits you, she emotionally blackmails you... if the roles were reversed, you'd be in BIG trouble for this. It's NOT ok.

 

Honestly? I think you might feel a little guilty about the MS. For the record - and my heart very much goes out to people who suffer from this terrible illness - but MS does not give you the right to be a jerk.

 

She is abusive and it's time to leave.

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You are already allowing her to influence how you view yourself. You let her abuse you, hit you and blackmail you.

 

Your show all the signs of an abused spouse.

 

Lord, I never thought about it that way, and I immediately want to start defending her, which is exactly what an abused spouse would do huh? Ugh.

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Agreed. I just don't know how to handle it. She isn't completely incapable of doing things, but she can't go anywhere without me driving her, and she will lay tremendous guilt trips on me if I even bring up the fact that I can't take any of her abuse no matter what it is. I just don't know how to look at myself in the mirror every day knowing I abandoned her. I actually really love helping people and have loved doing things for her...but she makes everything that I *do* try to do for her seem completely trivial because she minimizes all the good things I do and totally focuses on the things she doesn't like.

 

Well when she started abusing you she now made her difficulties HER problem. She is the one that created the problem. If she was thankful and praised you and did the little things she could do to be thankful there would be no problems.

 

You just look after your own needs and legalities and she will have to find new people to care for her. Maybe all the friends she has been so wonderful to.

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I agree 100% that you are being abused. She hits you, she emotionally blackmails you... if the roles were reversed, you'd be in BIG trouble for this. It's NOT ok.

 

Honestly? I think you might feel a little guilty about the MS. For the record - and my heart very much goes out to people who suffer from this terrible illness - but MS does not give you the right to be a jerk.

 

She is abusive and it's time to leave.

 

I just wish I could get her to go to counseling and see what she is doing, but since she is a trained counselor herself, she probably already knows what they are going to say and she already knows what she is doing. You're right though, and I've known this for a while. Sometimes things seem so good and I want to be just happy and be with her, but at least 4-5 days a week I am completely dejected about my entire life and where I have ended up.

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