Hastyhand Posted September 27, 2011 Share Posted September 27, 2011 Everyone who lost him/her after you had lived together..you must have lost a part of your lifestyle and part of dreams that were common. Could you give some pointers to the rest of us how you were you coping with the change? For example I lived together with my ex-girlfriend for 1,5 years..and it was magical..everything was working. We had developed certain systems in our life and relationship..how things were done that suited for both of us. Starting from the little things..like giving a hug and wishing a good day in bed (when one was leaving earlier) and making morning-tea for eachother. Cooking together - that was the part I liked the most..and then enjoying the food we just made. Even had a special way to say "bon appetit". Visiting the shops..not every day , but mostly ..it was quite ritual you might say..the walk, choosing things together ..you know what I talk about. Going to gym with her or doing the shores..for example we both did our room together and then one of us did the bathroom and the other did the kitchen, and then next week vice versa. Taking out the trash was mainly on me, but doing the dishes usually together. And the fun parts..like watching a movie or sleeping in the same bed or doing just randomly fun stuff..we never got bored..we always had something to laugh about. and ofcourse...the physical closeness was there whenever you felt like you need a hug or just to grab some a$$ Now all of this is gone and lost..she lives in a place of her own. I am still bugged about the lifestyle change..ofcourse I still go to university and work at nights sometimes and even rejoined the gym..but it`s just not the same. Every time I go to shop..(the same shop we used to go..) I just feel..empty..listening to some music from the ipod and choosing the stuff..I feel no pleasure about it..it`s just a numb and dull obligation I have to do to survive - to consume food. Even the $hitty things like cleaning the toilet-bowl were fun with her. Sleeping alone..is just..boring. I still sleep on my side of the bed..cause my body is used with it. I already done quite a lot to occupy my time..and to improve myself..but that stays out from the home..I need some advice that concerns the time at home..and in general..living alone after this. I cannot help but say that I miss living with her. Living wihout her is..okay, I can manage and I dont actually need someone to live with..but it just is so much nicer..especially if the two like to live with eachother. Thanks for you attention. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crazyaboutdogs Posted September 27, 2011 Share Posted September 27, 2011 How long have you been broken up? Did you ever live alone prior to living with your girlfriend? 1.5 years is really a small amount of time. You were fine living without her prior to that 1.5 years so think back about all the things you did on your own prior to the 1.5 years you lived with her. You need to re-frame your memories so that they focus on your life prior to the 1.5 years rather than the time she lived lived with you. It doesn't happen overnight..but after a while you will think less and less about that time as you adjust to your new reality which is the same as the old reality prior to her moving in. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hastyhand Posted September 27, 2011 Author Share Posted September 27, 2011 Been broken up for..2 months or so. Thats the thing..I havent lived without her in this place. Also the life prior to that 1,5 years wasnt great..the feeling what I had living with her..it`s just the thing I`ve always been wanting...before her a long time aswell. I dont NEED that, but I WANT it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mat347 Posted September 27, 2011 Share Posted September 27, 2011 I'll give my experience.. We were together for almost three years, lived together for about 9 months. After we broke up I still lived there for two weeks until I found a place, during those two weeks she moved the whole apartment around, added alot of things changed her bed sheets basically made it look like a whole new apartment. And it looked really nice, made it even harder to leave. She said she had to change it as much as possible because everything reminded her of me. When I moved into my new place I hated it, always compared it to our old apartment with her and our dog. I would fear going "home" (still doesnt feel like a home) but now I have kinda excepted it but it has been almost six months. My advice would be change your place as much as possible, it will be hard but it will help. If you can afford it buy new decorations, sheets, etc... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eocsor Posted September 27, 2011 Share Posted September 27, 2011 Get out of your ol routine. Stop going to the same places you used to go as a couple. Try new things. And two months is no time at all to heal. It takes a lot longer than that for most after a significant relationship ends. Don't be in such a rush. Healing happens at it's own pace. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brownstone322 Posted September 27, 2011 Share Posted September 27, 2011 Lemme see ... finished my master's degree ... had the house painted ... redecorated ... got two cats ... learned how to cook again ... got into weightlifting like never before ... it's actually been a positive experience, on balance. When the ex comes to visit (just a matter of time), she's not gonna recognize the place. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mano_Ferin Posted September 27, 2011 Share Posted September 27, 2011 Brownstone, how do you keep such a positive attitude? It's been 9 months since the BU for me(3 year relationship, 2 years living together), and I can't seem to stay in a positive frame of mind. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
replytome Posted September 27, 2011 Share Posted September 27, 2011 Well first of all, she wanted to keep the apartment, i said no. You're the one leaving me, I'm keeping the apartment, you have made a choice to leave this life behind, I didn't get to choose, so I'll stay. Basically I made it into a guys place again, put up all my posters and guy stuff I had from university, which I wasn't allowed to have when we lived together, and brought my BBQ, started having friends over as much as possible for beers, bbq and xbox/chilling/sometimes talking about the break up to make me feel better. Luckily I also had my family in the same city, so I often went there after work to eat and not be alone, then I'd be alone only in the evenings, chat to people, skype etc, so felt less alone, and then just sleep and back to work the next morning. I remember that the worst time was in the morning. Got better over time, and I also knew I was going to move. Went travelling which was amazing and now I've moved to a different country to study in grad school. It's been around 6 months since the ball and chain broke off. She never deserved me to begin with, and I was in love with companionship and the idea of forming a life with another half. Just like a little girl dreams of marriage lol. Since, I have grown up a bit, and am less idealistic in those terms. I shall never again compromise just to live a ''dream'', because the dream is worthless unless you live it with the right person. I will someday find my other half. Even though I'm whole, so i'll become a 1.5? hehe. Good luck with everything mate! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sailorman12 Posted September 27, 2011 Share Posted September 27, 2011 On augest 7th we broke up after almost 3 years. We had lived together for a year and a half, in several places. She kept the place, along with most of the stuff. I was trying to be as supportive as I could be, even helped her out with rent once. She completely changed everything, also changing pictures and stuff. I am moving into my new place today with some of my buddies, got a sweet loft. I still really miss the routine you talk about, and the sense of ownership and companionship that comes with having a place together. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hastyhand Posted September 27, 2011 Author Share Posted September 27, 2011 I visited my girlfriend at his new place aswell a month ago..most of the furniture was inside already..she just toke the drawer where she kept her clothes from our place..so this and her amplifier for speakers were the only things that were same at her new place. She had a king-size bed.. and I can just imagine her fakking some guys over there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happymeboy Posted September 27, 2011 Share Posted September 27, 2011 change the whole set up, start fresh and get urself a cat!!! I gave away all furnitures, bought new ones and now busy redecorating...i dont care if will look good or not, just doing it my way...lots of fun here...yep, and i got a sweet kitten...amazing!!!! busy now with cooking books, made some nasty fire in the kitchen, havent had a decent home made food but cant stop laughing about the mess...right now looking at ordering food online...shame on me!!! best time of my life!!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brownstone322 Posted September 27, 2011 Share Posted September 27, 2011 Brownstone, how do you keep such a positive attitude? It's been 9 months since the BU for me(3 year relationship, 2 years living together), and I can't seem to stay in a positive frame of mind. You know, ha ha, I really don't think of it as a "positive attitude" at all. We all have things we need to do or would like to do in our lives, and I set my mind to doing them. That's just how things worked out for me. (I forget to mention that I took up indoor cycling, then road-biking.) I'll be honest, though, the first nine months to a year were depressing, but I emerged from that gloom, and you will too. Plus we all seem to have this impression that our exes are so successful and content without us, but I came to find that that wasn't true, not in my case. Which isn't to say that I don't want her to be prosperous and happy (because I do), but it just hasn't happened that way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crazyaboutdogs Posted September 27, 2011 Share Posted September 27, 2011 This is one of the many problems when people choose to play house with someone. It is one thing being married and having that commitment of marriage..but these days people play house...live together with a partner for a few years..that breaks up...then another partner...break up etc. So they basically have multiple divorces without the legal papers... having to start over living alone etc. If two people who are simply dating and not married live apart, then when the relationships splits, at least their life is not in a total uproar because they don't have to deal with the shared space issues. What they call home will always be THEIR OWN home, never "the home WE shared". It makes it that much easier to go back to your previous life before they ever walked into it because you have still maintained your own place that is not tied in with them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thatguy42 Posted September 27, 2011 Share Posted September 27, 2011 It's rather lonely by myself. I miss having her around. Maybe I can find someone better, but my luck sucks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happymeboy Posted September 27, 2011 Share Posted September 27, 2011 @thatguy42.... for sure u will find someboy million times better...we all go through that stage for some reason but we always end up with somebody better AS LONG as we value more ourselves and set clear boundaries...i am home with my kitten and havent felt lonely one second.Heck!! he is more fun that those crazy women your luck doesnt suck, u just didnt have the right partner...just wait and see...i mean, keep going and u will find her... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hastyhand Posted September 27, 2011 Author Share Posted September 27, 2011 This is one of the many problems when people choose to play house with someone./.../ It makes it that much easier to go back to your previous life before they ever walked into it because you have still maintained your own place that is not tied in with them. Yeah, but you cant get the same level of closeness and intimacy when you dont live with someone..and only then you can "test the water" in the meaning of..are you REALLY compatible..can you live together at all..or is the other person with fakked up habbits or ideas that you simply cant live with. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brownstone322 Posted September 27, 2011 Share Posted September 27, 2011 It is one thing being married and having that commitment of marriage..but these days people play house...live together with a partner for a few years..that breaks up...then another partner...break up etc. Nothing new about any of that. That'd be kinda like saying "these days" people have color TV. This is 2011. Non-married cohabitation has been common in western societies for at least 40 years, maybe longer. The culture shock is long past. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hastyhand Posted September 27, 2011 Author Share Posted September 27, 2011 She took the whole drawer?? That was hers..her father bought it for her. so yea..she moved it to the new apartment. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crazyaboutdogs Posted September 28, 2011 Share Posted September 28, 2011 Yeah, but you cant get the same level of closeness and intimacy when you dont live with someone..and only then you can "test the water" in the meaning of..are you REALLY compatible..can you live together at all..or is the other person with fakked up habbits or ideas that you simply cant live with. Lots of people live together, get married and end up divorced. Lots of people get married without having lived together first and stay married. "Testing the waters" is just a myth..something people use to justify wanting to play house without making it legal. Then many pat themselves on the back for never having been divorced when in reality it is like they have been divorced many times because of all the serial live-in relationships, buying the house, having the children etc. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tacs1895 Posted September 28, 2011 Share Posted September 28, 2011 Certainly a massive part of the difficulties in getting over my break up are to do with having lived together. We lived in a lovely split level flat, had loads of space. We are both freelance musicians and teachers, and she was also training as a masseuse. The space was great, we had one room which was just an office/music/massage room, plus a lovely kitchen, big living room, and a bedroom. Because of being freelance and therefore being at home so much, I find that my home environment is really important. It was amazingly beneficial to be able to separate parts of my life around the house. It was really nice to be able to put all the work-type stuff into one space. It was also amazing having a bedroom that was just a bedroom, and not cluttered with computer and other work stuff. I noticed that I slept so much better in a room solely devoted to sleep (and sex!). I too enjoyed cooking and eating together, both at home and eating out, it was a big part of our relationship. I think it was the healthiest time of my life in terms of all-round well-being. The environment and space was great, I was eating healthily, sleeping well, running lots, having regular massage from my girlfriend. Probably the best I've felt in my life. I also think that generally, the lifestyle of living with a partner suited me well. By this I mean that I liked the balance of the company, but without being crowded by many housemates, and not having to make loads of compromises because of who you lived with, me and my ex and very similar tastes in most ways, so we made a really nice home together. It was great feeling like the whole place was just ours. I miss it loads. Since breaking up, it's very different. I moved back in with my parents, so am back to living my whole life out of one room again. Like I say, I find this really cluttered and it affects my well being. My family aren't that big on food, and the kitchen is often untidy, so I don't feel inclined to cook much, and therefore I don't eat that well unless I eat out or visit friends. I've slept much worse. After a long injury, I'm only just getting back into running (that was obviously nothing to do with breaking up, just bad timing). Obviously I don't get massages from my ex any more (!), and I can't afford to pay for it professionally, although I did take up yoga which has been good. It's been about nine months at home now, and I'm feeling stifled by not having my own space, so I've just started looking for possible places to move out. Unfortunately my money situation is a little bit worse now. Also, I don't have any good friends who need housemates right now, so I'm having to look at flatshares with strangers, which I've never done before and am a bit nervous about. Fortunately living with family means there's no pressure on me to find somewhere fast, I can just wait until the right thing comes along. I just need to be a bit lucky! And hopefully I will find somewhere affordable, with a enough space and with like-minded housemates who I will get along with, and hopefully even become good friends with. So it has been a big lifestyle change to deal with, as well as all the usual emotional breakup stuff. I think as and when I find somewhere to move to it will be a big and positive step, because as much as my family are happy to have me at home, it's important to have somewhere that feels my own, and until I find a new place then it won't feel like I've managed to replace that last home that meant so much to me, both in itself and of the relationship too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crazyaboutdogs Posted September 28, 2011 Share Posted September 28, 2011 Nothing new about any of that. That'd be kinda like saying "these days" people have color TV. This is 2011. Non-married cohabitation has been common in western societies for at least 40 years, maybe longer. The culture shock is long past. Yes, I was commenting on the culture shock..I was commenting on how people like to act like they are so progressive and doing something wiser than previous generations by living together rather than committing to marriage...but in reality they are not any wiser or doing anything really progressive. They are simply sharing living quarters with someone for a year or two or three, buying the house with them, having babies then splitting and going through all the legal headaches anyway..then they move on to the next one, wash rinse repeat. So in the past while many people may have been married to only one person or divorced and then married again for the last time in a relationship that sticks, the ones who choose living together may end up with 3, 4, 5 6 etc live-in relationships in their life-time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crazyaboutdogs Posted September 28, 2011 Share Posted September 28, 2011 I gather your financial circumstances are such that you can't afford to move out on your own without roommates. It is not living with your gf that made you eat well, exercise, sleep well etc. It is how you chose to live your life. It is how you can still choose to live your life even though she is no longer a part of your life. This is the mistake many people who are dependent on relationships make..they think they can't live a full, balanced, content life without that someone special. But they can...it is a choice. Your life, happiness and all the extra things you do to take care of your well-being does not have to come to a screeching halt just because a partner chose to walk out of your life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tacs1895 Posted September 28, 2011 Share Posted September 28, 2011 I gather your financial circumstances are such that you can't afford to move out on your own without roommates. It is not living with your gf that made you eat well, exercise, sleep well etc. It is how you chose to live your life. It is how you can still choose to live your life even though she is no longer a part of your life. This is the mistake many people who are dependent on relationships make..they think they can't live a full, balanced, content life without that someone special. But they can...it is a choice. Your life, happiness and all the extra things you do to take care of your well-being does not have to come to a screeching halt just because a partner chose to walk out of your life. Completely agree with all that. Unfortunately finances do indeed mean that renting on my own is out of the question. (Although right now, I'm not sure I'd want to live alone in any case, at other times I'd have fancied it, but right now I think I need the regular company of friends or family. Anyway it's sort of irrelevant because I definitely can't afford it!) The lifestyle you live is indeed your own choice, but there are also still practicalities. All I was highlighting was that the opportunity to live with a partner made certain things easier in practice, which aren't available to me any more. For example, splitting the cost of a two bedroom place so that we could have bedroom and workspace separate. I certainly can't afford to rent two rooms for myself, let alone my own place. So I do have no option other than living out of one room again, which is not as ideal as it was previously. All I can hope for is to find a big a room as possible for all my stuff! I'll just find the best I can and make the most of it. Similarly, massage was something I could only get from my ex, it was so good for me, but I certainly can't afford to pay for it on a regular basis. So, like I said, I took up yoga, which is not quite the same, but still very good, and I'm making the most of it as best I can. I know my well-being isn't completely dependent on being with a girlfriend, I'm just saying that being in that relationship situation did have its benefits. Which is not to say that's the only reason I've struggled to get over her, my actual emotions and feelings about her and the breakup are a different thing altogether. Realising that has been important in my healing process. I'm still in love with her - but not just because I had a nice flat with her. I'm just saying that on top of her leaving, having to leave a nice home with all its associated stuff was also a blow which has required some readjustment which I still getting to grips with. I'll get there. I completely agree with your sentiments, and my intention is there. I'm just saying that there are practicalities which come into play which aren't necessarily that simple to deal with - finding nice flatmates, money, etc. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crazyaboutdogs Posted September 28, 2011 Share Posted September 28, 2011 Sure being part of a couple has a great many perks that you don't have as a single person..which is why many people will rush out and be with anyone just to be part of a couple. However, life as a single person also has a great many perks. Financially and lifestyle speaking some people come out ahead as part of a couple while others come out further behind. It is hit or miss, depending on the type of relationship and the character of the other person. The thing is, massages, having more than one room etc are not earth shattering reasons to be part of a couple..in the grand scheme of life they are not that important. You need to start looking at the benefits of being single rather than focussing on the little perks of being part of a couple in order to move on with your healing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happymeboy Posted September 28, 2011 Share Posted September 28, 2011 Sorry guys but i had to share this...today i googled how to cook ribs and went woooowwwww...first meal accomplished...this is just getting so much better Ex...what ex ? What was her name again ? My cat is still licking himself Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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