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back together but its not how it was


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Hi everyone,


its been a while since i posted on here. Since my last major break up things have been going great until now. I met this new guy in jan 11, so we've only been together 8 months. We've broken up a few times now over stupid things which seems ridiculous for such a short period, but he has this problem - he gets hot headed in arguments and says thinks like "well lets park it then" and because of my past humiliation of not being able to accept it when a guy dumps me.... this time i just walk away everytime.


I've come to realise its his defense mechanism and he literally says it in every argument but doesn't mean it and the pattern is he says if you feel that way then don't go out with me, i say fine then and storm off, refuse to speak to him, he chases me because he misses me, realises hes a fool, makes a grand gesture, i slowly come around...


Its got to a point where i'm a joke among my friends. They don't believe me when i say thats it, i'm through with that guy... and they are right, because the next week im seeing him again! It was frustrating the hell out of us both because we both like each other a lot. We've even told each other we love one another. We have an intimacy and comfortableness i've never had with anyone else and he agrees. but that means we also have passion and a hell of a lot of arguments.


Anyway that would be fine. I've learnt to ignore his break up threats by questioning it rather than reacting in a negative way. Once he's calmed down it's fine. However i've only recently learnt this and now we are back together (only just) it's not the same. He is less emotionally invested this time. He wants to try and he loves me but i can see he's thinking it won't work. TBH i'm thinking the same, but we agreed to stop talking and just have fun like we used to which is fine. I've got no expecations and he certainly doesn't so we are having fun and going on dates...


however i guess i can't get past how he is less emotionally invested now. He used to be so into me and now he's hanging back. Like for instance he's thinking of going travelling without me in jan, basically working on a short-term future without me in the picture. Hes not 100% sure he'll go, but he's keeping his options open. I can't help but feel that this is an indication he doesnt even want to consider a future with me. I mean i can understand, as 2 weeks ago we were broken up. We had an argument about it but i came round to it that it could happen and the important thing is we give it a proper go.


But now he's said he doesn't want me to come to his birthday party. All his friends who he hasn't seen for a while will be there, as well as friend i've met and know an friends from his work. It will be a big party. We had a massive row about it because i feel left out, hurt by his decision, that he's embarrassed by me when months ago he would have been thrilled to have me as his date. It's his 30th what does it say about me that he doesn't even want me there. I feel like hes just using me for 'funtimes' and i mean nothing to him. Just a great time until he goes travelling. His reason is that we've broken up so many times he doesn't want to look like a c*ck in front of his friends introducing me as his gf in case we don't work out next week, he also doesn't want to have to babysit me all night or look back at his 30th pics and see me on them. I understand this but part of me is still angry and can't seems to let this go. On top of it one of his female friends who i'm slightly jealous of is going. We ended up arguing about it with him trying to use breakup threats that don't work anymore, he said that if i feel like hes using me for a casual relationship then we don't have to be that intimate, he just wants to have fun with me and not get serious yet until we know it will work, eventually that he would make it up to me and that he's sorry but im not allowed to go.


Im still really angry and while i understand his pov.... that we just got back together and taking it slow.... my mum and friends think he's a waste of my time and i need to just move on. I think im confused, and so many times i've walked away and told him to get lost and leave me alone, he just keeps coming back, but it always seems to be on his terms.


if anyone can help me understand what is happening i would be so grateful. Are my friends right? Is he just a a*s hole? or i'm i being unreasonable?


CA x

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I agree with your mother and your friends. He is a big waste of time. He was never really invested in this relationship anyway. Someone who is invested doesn't threaten break up all the time. He threatens break up, you walk away, he comes running back...wash, rinse, repeat. This is no way to have a relationship...in fact, this is not real intimacy and comfortableness...this is thriving on drama which can increase excitement and passion but does nothing to bring two people closer in a meaningful way. This guy keeps controlling you and the relationship. I suspect in previous relationships he was the same way. Time to dump him for good because the writing is on the wall.

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