Past Abusive Relationship is affecting my current one

[SpottiOtti]

It happened two years ago. I buried everything that happened. Recently it has surfaced again in the last few weeks. I'm having flashbacks, nightmares, trouble sleeping, remembering things about the trauma that I had repressed. I realized that I was raped and did not want to admit it, if that makes any sense, and that is affecting my desire for intimacy. I've started counseling to try and deal with these issues. My boyfriend has offered to make an appointment with a counselor at the center I am going to, to try and understand how to deal with me. I keep telling him I will give him the number, but I'm afraid I'll give it to him and he won't follow through and make the appointment, then I'll be disappointed. I know that probably doesn't make much sense. Nothing is making much sense right now.

 

I feel so needy right now. I'm experiencing a rollercoaster of emotions; I feel like I'm going crazy. I'm upset with myself for needing help after two years. I thought I had put it all where it needed to go. I'm having trouble not being selfish. For example, last night we had plans but he canceled on me cause his best friend had some stuff he was dealing with and wanted to get drunk and needed a driver. My first impulse was not to be grateful that I have a BF who takes care of the people he cares about; it was to be upset that he had "ditched" me. Tonight, we were supposed to hang out again and he fell asleep. Which is understandable, cause I know he was up late last night taking care of his friend. But I feel really sad and abandoned. I know my reactions are unreasonable, but don't know how to stop them.

 

I just feel like I'm pushing him away. I get really irritated with him, for stupid stuff, then I feel bad for it later. I'm drinking too much. I can't concentrate on my school stuff. I feel like I'm losing control. I feel sad but I can't cry.

 

I don't know what to do and I feel really sad and hopeless. Does anyone have any advice? Thanks.

[Mesemene]

Awesome step to have started counseling. Seriously. It sounds like what happened was you stuffed everything into a little locked box in a dark corner in your mind, hoping it would just stay locked away - and when it came back to haunt you, it started affecting everything you do because well, it hadn't really been dealt with.

 

And it's REALLY awesome you have a boyfriend who immediately wants to go to your counseling center to find out how he can best help you. Especially when it comes to former relationship issues and rape, there are a lot of guys (and girls) who would have to be really pushed into this - not offer. I'd take him up on it.

 

I can actually understand you feeling neglected in favor of his friend. Your own emotions have you more sensitive than usual, and I know I'd be thinking "but... I'm struggling too... and we were to be together tonight!" Sure, a logical and generous part of you is glad he cares enough about a friend to run to his side... but there's a part as well that really wants and needs him at your side right now as well.

 

Avoid the drink. I know, maybe easier said than done, but alcohol is a depressant, and it'll make any of those "lower" emotions worse.

 

Since your boyfriend is so interested in helping, try this. When you feel yourself getting edgy and irritable - give him a head's up. Tell him even though you don't have a reason to be irritated, you're getting those irritable impulses anyway, and while you don't understand WHY, you want him to know ahead of time if you do lash out, it's not because you don't care about him.

 

Keep up with the counseling, and keep pen and paper handy to write down anything you think you might want to bring up to your counselor and might forget between that time and seeing him/her. You can get past this.

 

I'd also maybe look into joining a support group for rape/abuse survivors, even one that allows friends/family, so if you need moral support, or want, at some time in your healing process, to include your boyfriend, it's somewhere that would be welcome. He's probably feeling pretty powerless and helpless as well, since he can't protect you/defend you from something that's already happened, and doesn't like seeing you in pain.

[SpottiOtti]

Thanks for your reply, Mesemene.

 

I want him by my side, but I hate that I am so weak, and when he's around I get cranky with him and wish he wasn't there. I want to take him up on his offers to help, but I feel like he doesn't know what he is getting into and that's why he's offering. Easy to offer, not easy to follow through. I guess the first step is to give him the number for that center, and see if he makes the appt.

 

I have tried explaining to him what I'm feeling right now, and that I'm a little irritable, but he still gets his feelings hurt. Actually, on Sunday night I really just wanted to be alone, but when I told him I was just gonna stay home and do my hair and some reading for school, he pouted about it, so I agreed that he could come over later on. Then the situation with his friend came up. Still trying not to be selfish and feel resentment about that.

 

Your idea about the support group is a good one. I have weekly appointments, and I'm starting to have to drag myself there. Today will be my fourth one. I just feel sad and tired all day after I go to one, and I don't even know if they are getting me anywhere. Maybe the day of, I'll feel like I realized something, but then by the time the next one comes around I'm dreading having to go dredge up all this crap again. Is this normal? I guess I'll talk to the counselor about that today.

[UniqueSoul]

i am experiencing the same exact thing. i too had a horrible relationship with rape and abuse. about two years ago as well. I am now dating a wonderful man and a year into our relationship I am started to get nervous. starting to get flashbacks and having nightmares that I am currently dating my ex and then try to contact my current boyfriend to come and get me and be with me again..and in my dream my current boyfriend says no, and ends up dating his ex. i have horrible insecurities right now that seemed to comeup from nowhere...its so hard.